SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So it has been a month since posting. We are in R. We are doing well and we are both in IC. We still haven't started MC yet. My IC has helped me a bunch. I am moving on with my life. Taking car of myself. My husband has shown to be remorseful and determined to deal with his issues.

Lately I find myself thinking about the A at random times, without even a trigger. The A just pops in my head. I don't have the physical reactions that plagued me at first, just a deep sadness. I tell myself not to think on it for fear that it will lead me down the road of "negative" feelings. My IC says that it is too soon for me to try and force myself to move on. But I can't help but feel I need to just get over it. WS has never said this to me. Just some weird thing on my part. IC says I need to let myself be angry and to address it with WS when it happens-not to bury it. I guess I am just in a hurry to start anew.

I guess what I would like to know, when does the thoughts and feelings of A start to dissipate? How do you all handle these feelings and emotions when they come.

We are almost 7 months out from Dday. It has been getting much easier. I usually only find my self thinking about it if he has a long day at work or we are apart for a long period during the day without communication. But it is no longer that stomach twisting, headache causing pain I used to feel, just a sadness. I don't really feel any anger towards him or OW anymore. Just a pity for him that he missed out on enjoying my pregnancy with our son and the first month of our sons life because he was so in the fog. We are pregnant again thanks to hysterical bonding and it makes him so sad to realize what he missed with the last one. I pity her because she was just a stupid young 19yo girl who thought she could compete with me. An maybe she held his attention for awhile it was over months before I found out. I just try and look to a future where it isn't relevant anymore.

Your Dday is still VERY fresh, I would say it's pretty damn normal. At least I would hope so seeing as I am 7 months from first Dday and almost 3 months out from last one (lies from same A revealed). What we are going through is not an easy thing to fix. It is a lot of feelings and takes a long time to process.

I'll echo what others have said. It just takes some time, but the length of time varies by the individual and the circumstances that surround the A(s).

For me, I haven't had any painful, gut-wrenching thoughts about my WW's A (or AP, for that matter) in the last 1-2 months. That isn't to suggest it won't ever happen again, but it certainly hasn't happened in 1-2 months, and we are 8 months out from the first (excluding the A that took place in 2006) DDay, and a little over 3 months from out from the most recent DDay. Everyone heals and moves at a different pace, so my dates may not be applicable to you.

One thing I'd like to mention is that I noticed a correlation between not experiencing those painful, horrible thoughts once my WW quit TTing and revealed everything (feelings, thoughts, etc.) WITHOUT me having to ask. Once I truly believed I had the 100% story, I noticed the painful, bad thoughts almost immediately stop.

Has your WH provided you with everything that you feel you need to know? If not, that may be something to explore.

I still have the A pop into my head randomly 7 months out every day, multiple times, but instead of it feeling like being punched in the gut it's just a thought, sometimes a twinge.

We have a lot of stuff to work on, so I don't imagine it will stop being a topic of conversation for many months at least. I'm working on setting up limits on when I ask questions, so that the topic doesn't sabotage an otherwise nice time.

Take your time; I have learned it can't be rushed (and believe me I tried!)

Ok, so I am feeling my anger now. I think it has helped to talk about it. I think I had been at an internal stalemate with myself.

So I guess what I really want to say is, why should I or any of us for that matter, have to deal with the long term emotional shit because of what they did. Right? Why do I have to be the one that has to deal with these feelings? Sometimes I feel I let WH and OW off way too easy- like I've made it easy for everyone, but I'm the one having to do all the work...all the soul searching. WTF! They should all be on the ground groveling and begging for forgiveness and mercy.

Combine sodamnlost and catlover50's post...and this is how I feel.

It does lessen with time. I, too, tried to move on thinking it was unhealthy to think about it often. "I know that it happened...no sense in looking at it again". I am 8 months out from DD, but only 4 months out from given MOST of the truth from my wife and NC being broken.

Hang in there. Time is a key factor...and you, like I, will get tired of hearing this.

God be with us all.

Be patient on how you process your anger too. I RAGED like I never thought I could.

Your C is absolutely right...you have to experience that anger. Keep in mind anger is a secondary emotion...but to get to the underlying feeling you have to release the anger to be able to look under it.

God be with you.

We are on at the exact same time...not in the same emotional stage of the roller coaster but on this site at the same time...i can see by your post time.

I can totally relate to your current feelings. I, too, struggled with this feeling of "why the heck am I doing this?".

NOW I realize I am doing this for me. I have also come to realize that is not a selfish motive and I could have used more of this type of thinking in my marital relationship pre-A.

This is a bad feeling but a good sign. Try and experience this as fully as you can without tipping over into raging and acting on this feeling. I did not master this the first time (actually, still have not fully mastered this, but oh so much better now)...said and did some very mean things.

Find that balance between feeling it..but then back off just a bit when you feel the uncontrollable point coming on.

I have gotten much better at this.

You are experiencing progress....I know it is so incredibly painful, I know it is not right, I know it is scary to think someone you shared an intimate relationship once could bring this into your marriage, into your family...and then you add the TT'ing and outright lying that takes place AFTER DD and it really adds to the pain, shock and betryal.

BS's are asked to remain reasonable when faced with this incredibly unreasonable situation.

We are asked by our internal moral compass...which I believe we are given and directed from by God.

Even disciples failed at this...expect to fail....not fail at R..but that you will fall short of what we know we need to do. Be courageous and get back up and engage with the same enthusiasm as if you never stumbled before.

A wordy, preachy response...just so want to support you right now.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:08 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

(((Naivete123)))

I feel like I think about it too much as well and it is mostly when he is not around. I have that gut wrenching feeling at the moment, which is why I came on here. I'm wondering if I am going to hit the anger stage

I like what Catlover said about working on limits as to when she asks questions as to not sabotage a nice time. I am trying to learn to do that but I am scared that I will wait too long and chicken out and not ask the question.

I am not quite at the month mark of D-Day. I ask myself if I am being too forgiving and letting him off too easy. I sit back and think of the alternatives. Today when I went out to lunch I gave myself permission to not make any rash decisions and be patient with the process. I honestly am in shock that this is happening to me again. It makes my brain swirl.