SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I'm back.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic/addict and I was here a year ago when I found out he'd been cheating on me when he was away attending military training. He spent 62 days in inpatient psych/inpatient rehab and did intensive outpatient rehab all year including a program mandated by the Army.

A few weeks ago, he gave a moving speech at his "birthday" AA meeting. The next morning, he went out, bought a six pack, started drinking, went to a bar, took off his ring, nearly started a fight and drove home plastered.

I left the next day. Stayed a couple nights at a hotel, then a couple nights on the couch while I packed anything that I couldn't bear to lose and left to stay with a friend in Kentucky for at least 6 weeks. That's my arbitrary "cooling off period" to figure out what to do. It's week four right now. I've been mostly NC other than "logistics" which he seems to find a lot of.

He wants R. Really wants it.

The thing isn't him taking off his wedding ring or taking a drink. The thing is the year in between. I gave him that year. From day 1 I was there for him, my first thought was always "how can I best help him heal and heal this relationship." I didn't want to enable so I didn't get involved in his personal recovery. In fact, he shut me out of it entirely, which hurt my feelings. During the year, and mostly because of my symptoms after his relapse, my mental health diagnosis was changed from bipolar disorder to major depressive disorder and PTSD (the initial trauma being in childhood- not his cheating.) I've made great progress since changing the focus of my treatment, and while I still live with symptoms daily, I feel more in control of my life than ever.

Towards the end of the year, he got less and less patient with "the crazy." He hated to hear about my recovery, what I was thinking and feeling, etc. He started blaming more and more things on my mental illness, even to the point of saying we would have no problems in our marriage if it weren't for my mental illness and inability to "get over it." He had forgiven himself and done everything I asked of him (technically) so what was my problem?

He claims he just "wasn't thinking" and the timing of the relapse had nothing to do with the anniversary of his sobriety/DDay, but how could he have disrespected me more?

He agrees that for the last 6 months or more he was just "mailing it in" with regards to recovery.

I think part of him loves the attention his relapses bring.

I think he was gaslighting me and behaving unkindly to me so that I would react and boost his self-esteem.

I am not sure I want to R because I am not sure that he loves anything about me other than the fact that I adore him unconditionally and pursued him relentlessly.

I know some of you will call me crazy to think about not jumping right back into R with a contrite spouse whose "only" transgression was a little slip where he took off his ring, but I'm not sure his idea of a happy marriage and mine are the same anymore.

Anyway, thanks in advance for your good advice, as always.

Welcome back....

I am not going to say that you are blowing your chance at R. What I am going to tell you may seem a bit harsh and in contradiction with what a lot of other people feel about Addiction recovery.

Your H was given a whole year to be completely and totally self absorbed, while he recovered. Addiction recovery often focuses on the belief that you have to put yourself first in everything, and that everyone else has to fall in line behind your needs to stay sober. I am sorry but this is horsesh*! For many addicts this allows people who are already self centered, and borderline NPD to become even more so. So he feels entitled to make the whole world about him.

Now he is blaming you for your "mental illness" that is basically a scar that hasn't been healed properly from a childhood event? WTF?!? Obviously it is a big deal, since you are 30, and still having to deal with it.

I would say taking off his ring, and making the concious decision to drink is NOT a slip up. But the actions of a selfcentered person who hasn't figured out what is broken within himself and fixed it.

Take your time to decide what you really want. He is showing you who he really is, pay attention. Ask yourself can you deal with this again in another year, when he feels like he isn't the center of the world and isn't getting the admiration and praise he feels he deserves?

Again, I dont' want to sound mean, but I would seriously consider these things, and his behaviors before deciding what I want and what I need.

I'm so sorry you're back, La Traviata. (Beautiful music in that opera, btw.)

I'm married to an addict, too. I first found out last March, thought we were in R, then had DD #2 this March. I know exactly how you feel.

I don't know how much of this is textbook "addiction" management and how much is just cover for them to hold on to really destructive coping mechanisms. I think we both know at this point that with addicts, the coping mechanisms becomes their... religion when the going gets tough, if they aren't really invested in finding better ways for dealing with stress.

That means that no matter what you think you mean to them "normally," all that goes bye-bye as soon as the addictive pattern is embraced.

I have a really hard time with that. I understand addiction means operating from a place of no logic, no reason, but that I've seen proof that in that moment, I just don't ping on my husband's priorities is extremely painful. I just don't matter. I cease to exist.

Only you can decide how much of that you can live with. Only you can judge how much your husband is embracing recovery versus repeating bad habits. People talk about "falling off the wagon" as part of the process, but it's hard to be pragmatic about it when a relapse means further betrayal.

Real R means both people are all in. Everyone has personal issues, everyone has the ability to choose who they want to be and how they want to live - there is no magic "get out of accountability" card. It sounds like you're totally invested and he isn't. If that's the truth of it, after putting in a year, that's a pretty solid answer for you, isn't it?

(((La Traviata))))

I'm going to agree with Tushnurse and Reality. Yes, addiction therapy/12 steps requires the addict to focus on themselves before they can make amends and address other things in their lives. It works if they work it. He had a YEAR, and did not work it. He certainly kept the focus on him but not because he was working it. What you have there is an addict not in recovery. And I'm sorry but taking off the ring to me is not part of the relapse, is in fact a big deal, and indicates he has further issues that need to be addressed in therapy. Issues that have nothing to do with you and are not your fault.

It's okay to put up boundaries, to say you are not interested in pursuing a relationship with an addict that is not in recovery. It is okay to say you won't even consider it until he has a certain number of months of sobriety under his belt, he attends 12 step meetings x times a week, is seeing an IC, whatever you need to feel safe. And even if he meets all that it is still okay to decide that it's a dealbreaker for you. And conversely it is okay to stay with him if that is what you want, and he is respecting whatever boundaries you put down in that scenario.

Do you go to Al-Anon? If not, you should start. There will be a lot of people with IRL wisdom for you that can provide you the support you need right now.

(((La Traviata))))

I'm going to agree with Tushnurse and Reality. Yes, addiction therapy/12 steps requires the addict to focus on themselves before they can make amends and address other things in their lives. It works if they work it. He had a YEAR, and did not work it. He certainly kept the focus on him but not because he was working it. What you have there is an addict not in recovery. And I'm sorry but taking off the ring to me is not part of the relapse, is in fact a big deal, and indicates he has further issues that need to be addressed in therapy. Issues that have nothing to do with you and are not your fault.

It's okay to put up boundaries, to say you are not interested in pursuing a relationship with an addict that is not in recovery. It is okay to say you won't even consider it until he has a certain number of months of sobriety under his belt, he attends 12 step meetings x times a week, is seeing an IC, whatever you need to feel safe. And even if he meets all that it is still okay to decide that it's a dealbreaker for you. And conversely it is okay to stay with him if that is what you want, and he is respecting whatever boundaries you put down in that scenario.

Do you go to Al-Anon? If not, you should start. There will be a lot of people with IRL wisdom for you that can provide you the support you need right now.

You're all saying what I'm thinking.

He never worked the program, really. Never had a sponsor for long, never did service. I think AA was a place for him to stay sick, because his real drug of choice isn't alcohol- it's attention. He's off-the-charts brilliant, and the smoothest talker you will ever meet. He does PR for a living and can tell anyone what they want to hear.

I never held his feet to the fire because I don't feel I should have to. He even used my fear of being codependent/enabling him to help him avoid doing any real "work" in recovery.

He had everything: A supportive family who knows about addiction (his dad has 27 years sober in AA) a loving wife committed to supporting him and improving herself, the entire staff of a state-of-the-art rehab facility, ongoing support through outpatient rehab and therapy- and he phoned it all in because.... it was too hard?

My theory is that he did it because he hates himself. All the attention-seeking is just to fill that void, and every time he uses his charm to con someone into giving him what he wants, he hates himself a little bit more.

He had the best chance any addict could ever have for a year and he pissed it away. To me, that's a betrayal way worse than him having sex with another woman.

He always tries to be valedictorian of everything- it's a running joke we have. He was valedictorian of AA, or so everyone thought.

He never tried to be the valedictorian of being my husband, or of loving me.

Of course, NOW he's doing everything right. Got a real sponsor who he calls daily, is praying every day, doing 90 in 90, 3 meetings a week with sponsor present, daily acts of kindness he doesn't tell anyone about, (except he just told me he was doing it so....) daily readings... He's respected my request for NC. Here's the plan so far:

When my 6 weeks are up (he has no idea about the 6 weeks) I'll tell him "you can start talking to me again" and then see what he says. Then, I'll probably send him some variation of this letter:

You f'd up.

The disease of alcoholism is just part of the reason you're in this recovery/relapse cycle. You've been a shitty husband for a long time. You crave positive attention but instead of asking for it or doing things to get it, you would be distant or mean to me just to get a reaction. You gaslighted me. I feel like I wasn't so much your wife as your live-in cheerleader/punching bag. Conscious or unconscious, the timing of your relapse was very much to do with the anniversary. You say you weren't thinking, but it's no coincidence that you took off your ring when you knew I was trying my hardest to hold myself together and celebrate your milestone at the same time. What could you have done to disrespect me more than that?

I could waste a lot of kind words about my theories regarding your motivations and inner turmoil, but that would just feed the beast.

Last year, I stayed close, stayed strong, rolled up my sleeves and got down to the hard work of rebuilding myself and rebuilding our marriage while you just soaked up the attention and mailed it in. That is not going to happen again.

We've always joked about you being the valedictorian of this or that. I deserve someone who will spend his whole life doing his best to be the valedictorian of being my husband.

What do you love about me? If the fact that I adore you unconditionally and pursued you relentlessly is the top, or indeed the only, item on that list, then do the right thing and let me go.

Otherwise, start fighting. It won't be easy- not because I'm going to make you jump some hurdles before you get to the foregone conclusion of reconciliation and we return to the status quo. It won't be easy because you've already lost me. I will not ever tolerate being lied to, kept in the dark and above all disrespected in the ways that you have disrespected me. The only reason I'm even leaving the possibility of reconciliation open is because I believe that marriage is for life.

-La Traviata

Thoughts? I really don't want to give him a roadmap to winning me back, because then he'll just focus on doing those things, when what I need is a genuine improvement in character, not behavior.

I am not "up" on addiction, so I don't know what to tell you except--

He always tries to be valedictorian of everything- it's a running joke we have. He was valedictorian of AA, or so everyone thought.

He never tried to be the valedictorian of being my husband, or of loving me.

Wow. That is a very powerful and perceptive statement.

You seem to be a strong self-aware woman. You will figure out the right thing for you.

((La Traviata))

That was beautifully written, L.T. You were compassionate and strong.

I hate to say it, but yeah, our husbands could be long lost brothers. Mine: brilliant, driven, persuasive. I've watched him throw himself whole heartedly into pursual of any goal he's decided to go for. I am watching to see if that includes me; if that includes saving our marriage.

Know one thing I hate about this whole process? That during attempted R, when you're already vulnerable, already wounded, you have to stay vulnerable, have to keep emotionally accessible, stay present (in ways the other person possible never was/will be) to give that chance.

It's why it's so important that the other person gives at least as much; they're already at a deficit; to have any hope of "making things right" it takes really, concerted effort. Half way, half-hearted effort isn't lack of momentum, it's constantly losing ground.

((L.T)) x 100.

Thanks for the kind words. And you're right, Reality- we were losing ground. I'm trying to stay positive and not beat myself up- not an easy task.

I forgot to mention earlier- I did give Al-Anon a shot and I might again. I ended up leaving after trying a bunch of different meetings because it seemed like I was usually one of the few spouses there, and with no exceptions, I was the only one whose alcoholic was sober for over 30 days. After awhile, sharing felt uncomfortable because I felt like since I had the thing everyone there really wanted- a sober family member who was in recovery- I didn't deserve to "complain."

I know that's wrongheaded, and that has a lot to do with my FOO issues and childhood trauma, but after going to meetings became very distressing, I stopped and focused on addressing the trauma aspect.

I have nothing but respect for Al-Anon and the people who have found it helpful, but my therapist and I agree that codependency is not a big problem for me. I certainly have some codependent traits, and I have to watch out for enabling and controlling/passive-aggressive behavior as much as any spouse of an alcoholic, but approaching my recovery/progress from the perspective of treating mainly codependency isn't going to help me much. Many Al-Anons get fairly riled up about that idea, and I've had a few unpleasant conversations that end up going in circles about how my "real" problem is that I won't admit I'm a classic codependent and I'll never make progress until I do, etc.

I'd love to find a PTSD support group, but unfortunately I have yet to find one that isn't exclusive to either combat trauma or sexual assault trauma. A good friend of mine who also has PTSD has been a great help, but I can only lean on him so much, you know?

My H is a recovering addict. I told him on DDay, his issues are his issues, and he needs to fix them whether we stay together or not. I am completely uninterested in being the best supporting actress in the fix WS drama. That was HIS work.

He also has considerable work to do to help repair our relationship. That is our work, but he has a LOT of heavy lifting to do.

The thing is, with addicts, R is 2x as hard, You cannot build a healthy relationship out of unhealthy people. And addicts have tons of work to do to get sober, stay sober, work the 12 steps, get to some of the root causes of their addiction and do that work. There is a lot of me-me-me-me for them in that process. But if they want to end up in a relationship with you, that needs separate work.

We have a pretty darn good MC who is an certified addiction counselor, he really, really helps US keep focused on OUR reconciliation, and supports but keeps H's addiction recovery separate.

It is a very, very, very hard road.

Going to 12 step meetings and filling a chair doesn't make someone recovered. Its a lot of work, And you will just know when they are working for real versus going through the motions.

You need to figure out your boundaries. Will you be involved with an addict who is not truly in recovery, and if so, how will you take care of yourself.

((((((hugs))))))))