SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First, I want to say that I am so sorry I have not been contributing to others, I don't think I'm in any way able to give advise...

What I want to say to STBX, is "I'm sorry I have been mean and said things that make you feel bad. I don't want to hurt you. Sometimes, I can't stop myself from retaliating. It hurts me every moment that you have lost so much. You were a wonderful husband and father for so long and you just threw it all away. There was a time where I wanted you to feel this loss, now that you do, it hurts me so much. Your children want nothing to do with you. They seem happy, are moving forward, but how do I know they really are okay inside? I'm not and I never will be again. I read daily on my support site and know I could have it so much worse. I don't have to split my time w/ my kids ( he has never enforced his rights and hasn't even tried to spend time w/ the kids w/out me). " I want to tell him I care. Probably, I care more than he does. He just wants to come home and I'm so sad for him because he lost that. And, I still love him but know 100% I could NEVER be intimate with him again. So, we are done, right?

Also, I told kids he is contacting me and wants to work it out. DS12 said " NO, and that's my final answer" He retreated to his room but the next conversation we had about this, DS said "We can't trust him! He's a liar and a cheat! I'm glad he's gone." Worried bout my boy, but think he will be okay. Hearing our son say those words made me feel so sorry for STBX...he has no idea how much his actions have impacted others and him. He thinks this is just between he and I.

You are right not to text him t2Bs. He won't get it, unfortunately. He will think you are just being dramatic.

They don't get that this affects the kids. They want to believe that kids are happy as long as they are happy, so OW or OM or whoever will just be wonderful in their lives. Posting here to us is the right thing.

Oh, and on your first line? Don't worry about not giving advice to others. You are still in the middle of it. You have to work through your own stuff first.

{{{hugs}}}

I'm so happy you posted here instead of texting WH.

One of the things I did when I was at the place where you are now, was to start on online journal. I think SI has one. I used livejournal.com.

Every time I wanted to call him, email him, text him, yell at him, cry to him, beg him back and everything in between - I wrote it in my journal. Then I would sleep on it and read it the next morning AND everytime, I was so thankful that I did not contact him. At the same time, it gave me an outlet for my emotions. I got to release my feelings and at the same time, I was able to maintain strong when it came to him.

Please don't feel sorry that you were mean, said things you probably shouldn't. If he didn't put you in this situation, you never would have said those things! Whatever you said - he deserved it. Don't be sorry. He made his bed. Of course he wants to come home, he had a good thing going at home and oops. Maybe he is finally coming out of the fog. But he did this to himself.

If he really wants to come back, you'll know it. He will do everything to win you back. Remember - it's not his words, it's his actions. It's so easy when you are hurting to take the crumbs he is giving you. But they are just crumbs. Unless he gives you everything you need to heal and move on from this, be careful. Been there. You are just going to get hurt again.

That's my advice as someone who knows what you are feeling.... and now I have to give you a gentle 2x4.

Try and keep the kids out of it as much as you can. It's hard, I know. But that is still their dad. They have been hurt, crushed by all of this. Give them emotional support and that means biting your tongue when you want to lash out about him infront of the kids. You have to be strong for them.

It does get easier. Keep your feet firmly planted on the ground. Release your emotions elsewhere - to a friend, a journal or here - and stand strong knowing that you and your kids deserve better.

(((hugs)))

Don't text him! You will regret it. Come here and vent, talk and post, there is always someone around that will help.

Go NC with him that is the only thing that is going help you heal right now. He wants to come home, let him show you how much he wants to come home, not tell you. He needs to sort his own issues out.

((t2bs)) the healing journey is hard.

Are you kids IC? It may help your oldest with the anger he feels right now....

T2. You're heart is just too darn big.

I think one thing that you lose sight of is the fact that, as broken as he may be, your WH is an adult. He is completely responsible for himself and the choices that he makes.

He incessantly chooses himself over his own children and you. And then he comes boo-hoo'ing to you, and because you are such a caring person, you feel badly for him.

Stop it.

It's been plenty long enough for him to address whatever *broke* him and fix it. He WON'T do it. You know that he doesn't really want to *work things out*....he just wants to come back home. No.No.No.No.

He is breaking your son's heart. If you can't get angry and detach from your WH for yourself, then do it for your kids.

Please don't dangle R in front of your kids. Do not heap this uncertainty on them. Your son sees WH for what he is: a liar and a cheat. You don't want that in your life.

Stop feeling sorry for him. He is a grown ass man, making grown ass decisions. You cannot make him a better person by feeling sorry for him. Let him figure out (or not figure out) how to be a grown up. Take the energy that you are spending on feeling sorry for him and spend it on yourself...on your kids.

(((t2bs)))

Keep posting here...do not text that loser.

its hard not to try to get through to your WH, we have so much time to think and many BS have a support system whereas many WH have no one, for the most part their guy friends think hes the man, got 2 woman!!!! They are no help

My WH has no one to talk to, not even me anymore, because im sick of hearing the false promises. He tells me how miserable he is yet he is still with OW

Great idea to post here instead of texting your WH, and also to start a journal, i think that is what I will do the next time I get the urge to talk to my WH

As for him wanting to come home, hes gotta prove himself now, they cant just come back and think everything will be ok, it wont and not for a LONG time

Hang in there