SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Argggh....Is it me, do I have the wrong idea about OLD? A little history, I met a guy online back in January and we've been seeing each other since. You may have read one of my earlier posts where I didn't feel comfortable introducing him to my family and I thought it was because he wasn't my usual type. I think I also posted one other time asking what the "norm" is for moving towards exclusivity together. I've been out of the dating scene 32 years so I admit I have a lot to learn.

So, the other day I get an e-mail from SO saying "Dearest ****** I've been feeling awful lately due to the usual, my not being able to get a job and not having enough money. I wanted to tell you I have been seeing four other women other than you and I have feelings for all of you. Well, that is it in a nutshell". Like OMG WTF FOUR OTHER WOMEN??? FIVE OF US? What is wrong with him? Lately I was feeling like this wasn't going to go anywhere so, luckily I closed my heart. Now I know why I didn't feel like I wanted to introduce him to my family. Argh!

So, am I crazy for wanting to date one man after a few months? Are there no men out there that want to date one woman at a time? Guys feel free to chime in here. I'm really losing faith in relationships here. And the worst thing of all, it's not that he hurt me, it's made me miss my XWH so bad. I have had a moment each day where I want to cry for XWH. Gosh I miss him. Has anyone else experienced that? Maybe I'm not ready to move on yet. I was feeling like the sun was starting to shine again.

Big Sigh.

I don't think I'm clever enough to date more than one woman at once and I wouldn't feel right about it anyway. I also don't think that in 20 year or so when I poke my head out and start dating that I will enjoy it very much.

[This message edited by h0peless at 10:55 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

Wow. I commend him for making time for 5 women. Does he have a job? LOL Making time for one woman is hard enough. 5 women? Damn that's crazy! I got caught texting at work the other day. I don't think I'll ever do it again at work.

No wonder he has no money.. he's dating 5 women.

I give you points for listening to your gut.

I can't answer the question, I am not a guy. But I date one guy at a time. When I date, which I am not. LOL.

Hugs,

K

No money, no job, dating 4 other women. What a fucking loser, but at least he was honest about it. Um, F for effort..

The betrayed men on this site give me hope all the time that there are men out there who are just as disgusted about cheating as I am.. There ARE one-woman men out there. I really believe that.

Online dating sounds horrid, and I don't think I'll be trying that any time soon. I'd rather focus on me and spend time with my friends hanging out and doing fun things and maybe meet a guy that way.. Not that OLD can't work out, but it doesn't seem natural to me..

Please don't let this terribly bad rotten apple ruin dating for you, or ruin your thoughts on men in general.. I think it shows a lot of strength when you turn down and forget about guys who are not worthy of you. You are gonna meet the right guys a lot sooner when you don't give these losers too much headspace.. I wouldn't spend any time trying to "fix" or "help" any guy at this point. That's co-dependency and will never lead to the healthy relationship I'm searching for.

Just keep dropping these clowns and have fun being single and "doing you" till you find what you are really looking for

Did you reply well now you're only dating 4 cause I'm out.

What a jerk!

h0peless, ManBearDivorce, Thanks for confirming there are some one woman men out there. And to that I commend you...take a bow ;-)

Kajem, BG, bb26, Thanks for your support. Yep I'm outta there....totally a jerk. He will get what he deserves. Onward and forward. For some reason I'm almost relieved.

OLD is completely different than off-line dating. You pretty much need to assume that the other person is also seeing other people, until/unless you've had the exclusivity talk.

Though this guy rather takes the cake. I'm surprised that someone who was unemployed and having money trouble found any woman willing to date him, much less five. You definitely dodged a bullet here! (I understand that with the recent bad economy, more people are unemployed, but that person needs to be working on their own life and finding stability before they bring a partner into it!)

And the worst thing of all, it's not that he hurt me, it's made me miss my XWH so bad. I have had a moment each day where I want to cry for XWH. Gosh I miss him. Has anyone else experienced that? Maybe I'm not ready to move on yet.

This definitely sounds like you are not ready to date yet, and possibly why you put up with this guy for so long. Broken attracts broken, and you want to be a whole, healthy person on your own. Otherwise, if you are looking for a replacement for XWH, or someone to complete you, or make you happy, you risk dismissing red flags and winding up with someone terrible.

You'll get there :)

Did you reply well now you're only dating 4 cause I'm out.

Yeah...there you go! Now he will feel less stressed! One less woman to string along! JERK!!!

OLD is completely different than off-line dating. You pretty much need to assume that the other person is also seeing other people, until/unless you've had the exclusivity talk.

I agree that OLD and off-line dating are two different animals but I think you should NEVER assume exclusivity until you've had the conversation. The term "dating" means different things to different people and to save yourself some hurt and whole lot of confusion, it's best to spell out your position.

There is no way in hell I could "juggle" two or more women at once...

One is more than enough most days...

WB

I have enough problems just getting to know women. It would be foolish of me to think I could try dating more than one at a time. No thanks!

Thank you for this thread, I feel less lonesome.

Lately I feel like one-on-one "dating" and then monogamy is part of a past life and honesty is just...something pretend.

People ask me all the time if I'm dating or going to and I just stare at them. I've been more slack-jawed in the last year in replies than my whole life, lol!

The ink isn't even signed on our divorce papers, and in my mind, I am still a wife. In my mind, I also know I'm not! So how does that work, I don't know?

Do men still want women to act wifely, or do we simply get back in the canoe without expectations and be like Blanche on the Golden Girls? Or Fonzie?

Sometimes I think that's not a bad idea, lol again.

And then the other part of me, in better spirits, likes thinking that I'm free as a bird and only tied to children...someetimes that feels really okay, but the lonesomeness is then unbearable.

How do you even begin?

I don't want to offend anyone, but I find the online sites somewhat hysterical. I created a faker to h-hunt and didn't even put up a picture. I put up kind of silly specs or profile stats and was just amazed at how often my email beeped!

I haven't been single for 20 years and am pregnant, so it's really pretty much out for me. But yes, I wonder too, if there are men out there wanting to be serious with only one other...that care about safety and health and honesty, or is that all going away and just me being naive?

P.S. I like the post that talks about being exclusive...but I also grew up being taught and thinking that marriage vows meant we were exclusive?

Dear Phmh, thank you for your post.

OLD is completely different than off-line dating. You pretty much need to assume that the other person is also seeing other people, until/unless you've had the exclusivity talk.

Yes it is, I totally agree, we had a talk and agreed that we most likely didn't have a long time future but we enjoyed each other's company and that if one of us would find someone else we wanted to date that we would let the other know. My feathers were ruffled when I heard four others??I'm sure that didn't manifest over night. Maybe I don't have a right to be irritated...taking that away.

I said: And the worst thing of all, it's not that he hurt me, it's made me miss my XWH so bad. I have had a moment each day where I want to cry for XWH. Gosh I miss him. Has anyone else experienced that? Maybe I'm not ready to move on yet.

This definitely sounds like you are not ready to date yet, and possibly why you put up with this guy for so long.

One thing that is good, I wasn't hurting for SO. My response was good luck, see ya. I feel like I have to stick my neck out there. Otherwise, I'd find myself mad at myself for never getting out there and trying.

Wonderingbull & time2grow

There is no way in hell I could "juggle" two or more women at once...

One is more than enough most days...

I have enough problems just getting to know women. It would be foolish of me to think I could try dating more than one at a time. No thanks!

Haahaa Yes, less is more sometimes!

I have had a moment each day where I want to cry for XWH

I think you're missing something here. XWH was also seeing others while married to you. So why on Earth would you miss that? He's no better.

Always a one women kinda guy, never cheated, not even close, EVER. I relish and so enjoy having one special person with whom I can give my all to, feel connected with, share what I have to offer, enjoy what they have to offer, and experience that secure feeling of mutual respect, love and togetherness.

Sure butterflies are interesting, but getting to know and love a single human being deeply, is REALLY what does it for me. I know, lots of yeah, yeah, or "better check if your halo has slipped"; I have nothing to gain by lying to my friends on SI.

I would have no idea how or desire to be a player, cheater, whatever. Even my friends trying to set me up with women while I am technically still married, makes me uncomfortable, as does the same friends "pushing" me for NSA "dates". For whatever reason, that never did hold much interest when single, and it sure doesn't now.

Like you BS50, I have not been on the dating scene for a long time (about 25 years), and I too have a lot to learn, but have learned a LOT because of the hell I and all of us have gone through. Good luck to you, and hope you find a special person to be happy with.

The thought of dating more than one gal at a time really grosses me out.

Would never ever do that!