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LA44 (original poster member #38384) posted at 8:36 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2013
Hi all!
I am in an optimistic mood and thought I would share this passage with you from the book, The Dance of Connection by Harriet Lerner.
Sometimes we have to deliberately refrain from excessive criticism and negativity and instead experiment with kindness and generosity of spirit. We have to stop waiting for the other person to change, first.
If you are feeling madder then hell right now the thought of warming up the relationship may feel impossible. Actually, it's not. It's just extreamly difficult.
Much of Gary Chapman, 5 Love Languages is based on "warming up" using the love languages. The book features many examples of couples "on the brink" who find love (yes with one another!) again.
If your parter is showing true remorse and you are really invested in R but are finding it hard to take that step forward, this might be something to consider.
[This message edited by LA44 at 2:41 PM, May 17th (Friday)]
Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear
Bellecatprincess ( member #38902) posted at 9:03 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2013
Thank you!!! It seems like I am disappointed everyday. Maybe I need to just step back and see what he can offer me. Let him try without my judgement.
Here is to hope
D-Day #1 3/21/2013
D-Day #2 5/24/2013
Me BS 41
Him 41
OW 30 (8 months w/the SL*T) found out 5/24/13 more like 15 months
M 16 yrs (5/27/2000)
Together 20 years
2 sons(21,20 both US Marines)
D will be final 6/21/2013 nothing left to save
Re
Tiredofthepain ( member #37932) posted at 9:07 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2013
I so needed to hear this! It totally is related to what I just posted about being conflicted.
ME-BS 48
HIM-WS 38
WS is SA, multiple visits to prostitutes.
Status: Hanging in there
I would rather be told a hurtful truth than a comforting lie.
LA44 (original poster member #38384) posted at 9:26 PM on Friday, May 17th, 2013
Even before the A, our relationship post-kids was quite negative - mostly coming from me. I have to admit that. And I didn't like me when I was doing that. In some ways, the A broke me open. I released so much in terms of hurt, fear, anger. It was all on the table. And the TONE I had - my gosh "the tone". Brutal. I am sure if I listened to a tape of myself back then, I would either shudder or laugh at how ridiculous I sound.
I see him trying - he is making the first move every day - and I need to try too.
[This message edited by LA44 at 3:26 PM, May 17th (Friday)]
Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear
Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 6:47 AM on Saturday, May 18th, 2013
Nice! Positive self-talk and pushing yourself a little farther than you think you have in you can go a long way.
Thanks, LA44. 
"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom
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