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I am in no way trying to sound dense here, but I'm looking for advice from those who have or are in the process of forgiving their WS for the WS' A and A-like behaviors.

A couple nights ago, my WW formally apologized to me for all her A and A-like behavior, among other destructive behaviors that have either contributed to or were related to her A and A-like behaviors.

She read me a list of things she apologized for, and they were very heartfelt. I could tell she put quite a bit of thought into this, and she was very genuine and sincere.

I guess I'm wondering how others have moved toward forgiveness after being 'formally' apologized to for a wayward's affair(s)?

To put this into perspective, we're approaching 4 months since she last cheated on me. She is very remorseful and is 100% NC with her AP. And incredibly committed to searching within her to discover and fix what led her to act in such destructive ways toward me and our family. She has made significant progress in IC and MC.

That being said, I guess I don't have a lot of experience with true forgiveness. That is, I've never really been put in a position in life where I needed to even broach forgiveness, as I've never been so viciously betrayed, lied to, emotionally abused and harmed by anyone, ever. All prior 'conflicts' in my life were easily resolved among friends after going out for a beer or something. So I feel very far out of my league here.

Does forgiveness mean that you are no longer recovering from trauma? That the pain is gone? That it is ALL "in the past"? Or is forgiveness a precursor to experiencing those things? When you truly express forgiveness, does that mean you 'put it all in the past' and don't ruminate on it anymore? Do you forgive if you are still consumed by thoughts of the A, the betrayal, etc.? Do you forgive if you are still working to believe their won't be repeat offenses in the future?

Sorry for so many questions. Just looking for a little advice.

Thanks in advance for any comments or advice.

I read a great book on forgiveness about 3 months after dday. I read it all in one sitting in an afternoon. It has helped me a lot. It is very christian based which is not really my thing but the ideas and concepts hit home.

Finding Freedom in Forgiveness

By Daniel Ledwith

I read a book recently that said that forgiveness is just no longer holding the betrayal between you. Doesn't mean that the pain is over forever or that the questions are over.

For me I am considering offering forgiveness because I now have enough understanding that the worst of the anger is gone, the hurt has diminished, and he has changed and is completely remorseful. I want to focus on the future and working on our marriage today and helping him work on his issues outside of the A.

To me if would not mean no more questions, but perhaps no more "holding it over his head".

So happy that your wife did that for you; good for you both!

I dont believe forgiveness is really for the WS. It's for the BS. It's about letting go of the anger, and the resentment, and I think it's an ongoing process.

I am trying hard to forgive my WS for her past behaviours and also to forgive myself for my own. I needed to understand them first, as I believe you cannot truly forgive something until you understand it.

I do not that after four months forgiveness wasn't even an option. I didn't even really comprehend the permanence of what she had done to our marriage for about 9 months.

I struggle with this. I feel most of the time that i have forgiven, or else he wouldnt be here. But then, there are times i still get angry or i cry or i'm sad and i'll think "then i havent forgiven". But i think forgiveness of this type of injury is a journey. And journey's sometimes take a while. I believe in forgiveness, mostlly for our own inner peace, but i believe its also like that roller coaster ride towards recovery. It will have its ups and downs.

How do I forgive you? was a great book to read for me. I found acceptance that it had happened before I found forgiveness.

I kept checking in with myself and every time the answer I came up with for a year was "nope, not yet." Then about two months ago, it was "yes" kinda surprised me actually. And I realized that I no longer needed to hold it against him. For me, that was what forgiveness was, the true ability to move forward.

I am still in the acceptance stage ...have not forgiven my H yet for what he did. I don't know if I ever will even though all the reading I've done says forgiving will be good for me.

The first year after Dday, I was moving through the shock and then the anger of the betrayal. No way was I ready to forgive then....the second year we were working hard reconnecting, learning about each others wants and needs and H was working on his own issues, especially his selfishness.

It is only in the third year now approaching the fourth that I've accepted what he did and truly incorporated it into my 'history' now.

But forgive him.....not ready yet. He forever changed our lifetime relationship ....he destroyed any chance of me ever trusting him or anyone else 100% again or ever feeling completely confident in his ability or desire to keep me safe ....to love me enough to think about how his actions would affect me.

My H stopped asking for forgiveness. He finally said he understands I may never be able to forgive him, but he knows I love him and I will always be honest with him. That has to be enough for him........

I agree - It is all new and confusing when you have never been betrayed. How Can I Forgive You? was really helpful to me in understanding this stuff.

According to that book, forgiveness comes after a genuine remorseful apology and consistent actions. You don't "owe" forgiveness and it is not the same as reconciliation.

As others have said, it is as much to free you from the pain as anything else. My IC said it is something that may occur gradually over a long period of time. I think it is normal for you to maybe not quite be there after only a few months.

Also, regarding fear of future betrayal, I think that has more to do with "trust" and perhaps "reconciliation." You could forgive past incidences with out feeling trust for the future or wanting to reconcile. You could forgive and set boundaries for a new relationship (together of apart) going forward.

[This message edited by LimboStill at 3:36 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

I spent the first 24 years of my life with two different substance abusers and learned a great deal about forgiveness. It is my experience that forgiving and forgetting are often spoken together, but forgiving in no way equates forgetting. I may forgive my WH, but I will never forget, ever.

It's not easy. 4 months out is not enough time. That's great that she's making steps forward, but she has to wait on you. YOU are in control of the next step of the relationship. So take your time.

How did it happen for me? It took me 9 horribly hurting months for me to get to forgiveness. Now my case maybe a bit different then yours since the affair was still on for a 3rd of that time, then she had to get over the guy and had me in limbo saying she wasn't sure she loved me and if she wanted to remain married. Not easy to forgive like that. She was sorry for hurting me only. She has since come off the fog and has seen the true impact. And although she is working towards R, she has to deal with plenty of demons.

So one day, it just hit me to Love her. And in order to love her, I had to step up to the plate and forgive her. I tell ya, God touched my heart (don't mean to get religious) and I came home, picked her up and went to dinner. When I got off the car I held her hand and later put my arm around her. She was giggly the rest of the night. Couldn't stop talking and smiling and being happy. That night she thanked me for holding her hand. I then told her that I can finally say that I forgave her.

Does forgiveness mean that you are no longer recovering from trauma? That the pain is gone? That it is ALL "in the past"? Or is forgiveness a precursor to experiencing those things? When you truly express forgiveness, does that mean you 'put it all in the past' and don't ruminate on it anymore? Do you forgive if you are still consumed by thoughts of the A, the betrayal, etc.? Do you forgive if you are still working to believe their won't be repeat offenses in the future?

The pain subsided a LOT after forgiving, however there's always those flash backs, reminders, triggers and demons surrounding you rehashing it all. They DON'T go away. However, now I do fight them because I love my wife, and I want to save my marriage. Is it easy? NO!

The pain remains but your wife will make it easier. I've also discovered that I had to look inside myself also to find forgiveness. I too was not the greatest of husbands. Sure, I didn't deserve betrayal and nor do you, but I had taken her for granted. I could have made the same mistakes she made given the circumstanced perhaps. I had to dig inside myself and take responsibility for our bad marriage prior to A. I didn't see is that way prior anyway.

Hope this helps.