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Honey, yesterday afternoon I said some cruel things to you. I'd been relatively nice the past week or so, but the painful revelations from May 9 - and the knowledge that you had been lying and trickling out the truth for almost 3 months - sort of ate away at me and I guess it all came out. You understandably had enough, and said some pretty harsh things back to me. To defuse the situation, I went and got a hotel room, which will be my home for the next two days.

I don't like myself when I act like that. A person, even an unfaithful spouse, can only take so much grief before the natural inclination to fight back kicks in.

So I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that I'm not handling the news of your 10-11 month sexual affair with another man well. I'll try harder.

I'm sorry that I'm not handling the news that you did everything in bed with him that you do with me well. I'll try harder.

I'm sorry that I'm struggling with the reality that you exposed yourself to pregnancy, and both of us to STDs, during your affair. I guess I just assumed that you'd be smarter about things. I'll try harder.

I'm sorry that the public nature of your affair is something that I find especially humiliating, especially once I found out that our daughters found out about the affair very early in the process, and you continued right up until that grim day in February when I caught you on the phone with the OM. I'll try harder.

I'm sorry that finding out that you received and exchanged nude pictures with the OM is so upsetting. Maybe it would be less so if our daughters hadn't seen a picture of the OM's penis, but it's pretty much a horror show any way you look at it. I'll try harder.

I'm sorry that our 16 year marriage (at the time) was something that you found so easy to disregard and betray. I find that quite disturbing. I'll try harder.

I'm sorry that, during our marriage, you told another man that you loved him many, many times. And that you kissed him, many many times. That's tough to deal with, but I'll try harder.

I'm sorry that you betrayed me without even sitting me down for a long talk about what you perceived was wrong in our marriage. That you didn't feel that even one MC session was in order before taking the plunge with the OM. Perhaps I'm being insensitive to what you were going through at the time, but I'll try harder.

I'm sorry that I'm still bitter about all of the lies you told me the past year. That I'm bitter about the fact that I often babysat our precious twins so my wife could go out and have sex with another man under the guise of "just dancing with friends" and "girls night out". I'll try harder.

And I'm sorry that you don't think your attempts at honesty, transparency, and R are getting you anywhere right now. That this whole process is more difficult and painful than you could have imagined. I feel the same way. I'll try harder to validate your efforts.

I'm sorry that the sweet words and physical affection that has come flowing my way these past 91 days, but which you largely deprived me of for much of our marriage, hasn't been enough to fully heal me, yet. I guess some wounds don't heal that fast. I'll try harder.

I'm sorry that a marriage I was once so proud of has been tarnished, disrespected, defiled and degraded. Many times over. That's a very hard reality for me to deal with. But I'll try harder.

I'm sorry that I'm deeply disturbed by you texting and sexting the other man with me sitting right next to you, driving our family to a Florida beach vacation. And that you also did so at the dinner table. I'll try harder.

And finally, I'm sorry that I'm bothered by the fact that the reality that our precious children's intact, two-parent home was being put in extreme jeopardy, wasn't enough to make you stop or even slow down your destructive, lying behavior. I'll try harder.

Keep up the good R work, Honey.

Your loving husband.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 12:27 AM, June 8th (Saturday)]

This is an excellent post. If I'm ever 'lucky' enough to have a wife that realises that she's been a total heartless witch and tries to reconcile I will probably use your words when she believes I should 'be over it by now'. Aren't we lucky to be here?!

So sorry for what you are going through.

I'm bothered by the fact that the reality that our precious children's intact, two-parent home was being put in extreme jeopardy, wasn't enough to make you stop or even slow down your destructive, lying behavior.

Even though we are reconciled and almost 6 years out, the fact that my fWW was willing to sacrifice our family still bothers me the most.

Thanks allatsea. She hasn't used those words yet, but I get the feeling she's thinking them. She's getting frustrated, and saying things like "what more can I do?"

I wonder if she has what it takes to deal with this shit over the long haul.

file papers and see if that turns her head.

i've reduced my WW to a basket case. i've started to be nice because i'm afraid she'll have a breakdown. but i can't hide the fact that i'm disgusted with her.

apparently after i told her to go with her OM, that i didn't want her anymore made her want to stay.

i didn't tell her to be mean. I told her because i could see how many years it would take us to get over it. i'm not sure how many years i'm willing to deal with this mess.

maybe you should consider leaving her?

Even though we are reconciled and almost 6 years out, the fact that my fWW was willing to sacrifice our family still bothers me the most.

Agree with you, Harden. The harsh reality is that during the affair, the AP comes first. My wife practically ran out of my office (she works with me, further complicating things) to have a nooner with her lover on Valentine's Day. Which is also our eldest child's Bday. Nothing was sacred to her while she was in A mode.

"maybe you should consider leaving her?"

I'd be lying if I said that wasn't on the table, Mike. But the 4 innocent children who have suffered enough already make that the last option. I have to try for them.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 4:26 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

(((Sal1995)))

despite my tough talk, i agree with you Sal. I take being a father very important. THE most important thing. Even though my kids are in college and essentially gone, they are still a factor in my decision making.

So, I admire your integrity and strength.

((((((((((Sal))))))))))

I could not have said it better myself. So sorry for your pain. You don't deserve any of this.

Thank you all for your support. I'm hanging out at my office on a Sunday, how pathetic but that's what my life has come to now. Getting ready to head back to the hotel room. I don't have access to a computer at the hotel where I'm staying, so I'll bid my SI friends an early goodnight. See you tomorrow.

Stay strong. I've spent quiet time in my office, too.

My WW had a nine-month A that sounds very much like yours. Not that it helps, but you're not alone.

Hey there Sal,

I am a FWW in progress (I say in progress because working through WW thinking is a fucking every day/lifetime battle) and have been following your story on BM. I get a lot out of reading the man's experience of betrayal and am blown away by the hurt and pain that is poured out on this site. Makes me realise there is no difference between men and women when it comes to the agony of infidelity. Hearts are torn apart regardless of gender.

I have done pretty much everything your WW has done, ie, texting while my husband sat next to me in the car;taking off for a night to spend with OM under pretext of work commitments; and even the horrible action of having sex with the OM in my sons bedroom (my H was/is devastated at that little gem). It takes a huge amount of work on ourselves to get to the bottom of that shitty/hurtful/selfish and yes, violent behaviour. I say violent because it is violence when we betray and trash ourselves, as well as those we profess to love, including our children, and our SO.

A bit of background for me. I have been married for 20 years to my BH and confessed an A 7 years ago with a co-worker a few months after it ended. Unfortunately, I did not get on SI at the time and my H and I did the classic rugsweeping whereby he took a lot of the blame and I went along with that story. As you can imagine, as we see it so much on here (we are all so depressingly predictable) I then embarked on another brief flirtation 2 years after that, kissed a guy, and then became what UO (a member on here) terms 'dry cheating'. I may not have been physically unfaithful for the last 5 years, but neither had I addressed the my behaviours over the years and my crappy coping skills. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I had a meltdown last year when we went back to my H's country for a holiday (he's from the states) and realised how fucked and lonely I felt and also how disconnected I felt from my H. I spent months after getting back thinking, wailing, smoking on my porch and looking at my whole life, including FOO shit, my kids, my hurts, my H, my behaviours. All of it. I wasn't sure where it was leading but knew something was fundamentally shifting for me. I felt absolutely fucked. And then I knew what I had to do. Because what I had omitted to tell my H, was that the affair 7 years ago was not in fact my first one, or my last. I knew that I had to come clean as these secrets sat between us and were causing the disconnection and the wariness in my H toward me. And he deserved to know who in fact he was loving, as I had taken that choice away from him with my lifetime of lies. How suckarse is that!

So I then had to tell him, with my hands shaking and my stomach about to heave, that I had slept with his bestfriend when we were first going out 21 years ago. Then I had an affair with a slimy car salesman in the 90's (3 years married), then I kissed another friend of his when I was drunk and he was away, and then after my confessed affair 7 years ago, I kissed and flirted with another co worker.

We are still working through all of this. My H alternates between loving me fiercely and hating my guts and being repulsed by me. But you know what? That's just the way it is probably going to be for awhile and the fact he feels like that does tell me how much he loves me. You don't break down over your wife's horrendous betrayal of you and herself, if you don't give a shit. So even when it gets hard and I'm tempted to go into my "but I was honest with yoooooooooou, what about meeeeeeee" wail, I get on the BM forum and read about what my H is feeling when he can't always share that with me himself. And I suck it up. Because what did I expect?

So when you write the following;

Thanks allatsea. She hasn't used those words yet, but I get the feeling she's thinking them. She's getting frustrated, and saying things like "what more can I do?"

It basically means that your WW is in the "but I'm being goooooooood" wail stage. And that's because I've been there, done that. She has some major work to do on herself to get past this place, and you will know the difference when you see it, feel it. But it's gonna take some time.

The hope I guess I am holding out to you, is that whatever you feel is absolutely fine, and it can last for awhile. Your WW has only just begun to scratch the surface of the hurts she carries that would allow her to trash herself so royally, as well as you. And those hurts will have nothing to do with you, but everything to do with her own self-loathing.

Its a hard path to go down, and I really hope she gets there.

Great post. Summarizes everything I ever felt towards XH who also just wanted me to be over it. Good luck to you. Take care of those kids, you sound like a wonderful father.

She's getting frustrated, and saying things like "what more can I do?"

The only thing that could really make it better is if our WS's could unfuck the donkey. As Chinese scientists have proved a couple of summer agos that time travel is impossible, I don't know how else they could do that.

You deserve so much more. It is outstanding that you can express yourself like this- I wish I'd had the guts to say these kinds if things to the Dooosh during our false R attempts.

Not because anything would have changed, but because to unload all of that truth- your truth- must feel freeing for you.

Does she read here? Have you told her this?

"What more can I do" Needs to turn into I am so sorry I did this to us and how can I help you right now? I am working hard to fix me and will do that for the rest of my life.

Until you hear those words, It is all just blah, blah. Sorry you are going through this.

This is a powerful letter. Have you shown it to her or planning on it?

O24,

....sounds to me like you are making good progress.

Wow! Well written, clear statements. I hope it was as empowering for you to write as it was for me to read. Thank you for sharing.

Every WS should read this.

I have a model WS but I assure you I will be reading this to him. I grab every opportunity to educate/enlighten him.

Thanks for sharing. I know how painful this is. {{{Sal1995}}}