SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my SO went out last night. He left around 7:30 saying he was leaving early to come home early. He usually leaves at around 10pm and gets back at 4 or 5am. So he leaves at 7:30 pm and gets home at 5am. I was mad, I think understandably angry.

I've been in a bit of a funk. Haven't been going out besides classes and just sad with everything. I keep thinking that our actions have been dealbreakers neither of us want to face. So last weekend he asked me to go out to the movies with him and I didn't want to leave the house. He was supposed to go out last weekend but his friends cancelled and he went out the weekend before that too. This Friday night he asked me at 9pm to come to the movies but he was going to go either way. Still in my funk I got up, took a shower, did my hair and got dressed in a skirt and cute top. He tossed on some jeans, a sweater and his sneakers. Then he fell asleep and said he was tired so we'd go out the next day. I asked him what's wrong and he tells me nothing...I don't believe him but I can't force something out of him. He goes to sleep and I just sit there. I eventually fall asleep and wake up late. His phone goes off and he goes to the store around 3:30pm. He buys new clippers to cut his hair and shave. He gets showered, freshly shaved, fresh haircut, puts on his cologne, puts on his fancy watch (I bought this for him years ago), finds his shoes, and IRONS a shirt to wear. I'm watching the whole time and finally ask so you're going out? And I get told yes and he'd be back early.

I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach watching him. He gets messages and hides answering them, he leaves the house sometimes to take calls and at times when he talks to his friends it sounds like he avoids saying things. Watching him get ready I felt that tightening in my stomach. The thought I had was "I rate a sweater and some sneakers with no shower and him falling asleep. His friends rate a new haircut, shave, cologne, ironed clothes, and him getting ready early and staying out late." Immediately behind that thought came this one:"who is he trying to impress?"

I refuse to check the phone bill anymore. His phone is locked with a new PW and he doesn't like talking. I feel hopeless, I'm still trying though. To top it off his family called me last week inviting me to a barbecue this week. I haven't spoken to them in 9 months, since dday. I was asked why I haven't come around and I told them I'm ashamed and didn't think I'd be welcomed. I got told by his family, everyone makes bad choices but you are a beautiful person and we miss you. I almost cried but all I thought was I don't want to deal with this too.

WTH has my life turned into. I'm just so tired of the sad, empty, tired upheaval. Thanks for letting me share.

You know that he sounds just like all the other unremorseful WSs we read about here, right? No transparency, locking phones, getting mad WRT talking about As, treating the partner badly while giving their best to others...Unagie, you don't deserve this treatment, any more than any other BS on this site deserves it.

I don't mean this sarcastically or snarkily or 2x4'ish in any way: what do you feel you have to work with here? What is the redeeming value you see in keeping trying to make it work?

(((hugs)))

Stop trying. Seriously. Move the hell out of there and get away from him.

Find your center. Find your peace. Find your boundaries. He is cheating on you. He is treating you like crap. You know what the BS's get told when they post the shit that you're posting about your man. You KNOW what he is doing isn't right.

His family called you. Great. It's been 9 months and this is the first that you've heard from them? So they know about your *mistakes*, but are they aware of how he has been acting?

You are wasting precious life-minutes in this relationship. Leave it.

Focus on yourself. Get yourself healthy so that you can be a kick-ass life partner for the NEXT guy.....because your current one just isn't interested in *making it work* with you.

He has no business going out without you after an A. He should be all about taking care of you. What is keeping you with him?

{{{Unagie}}}

Wow, I see red flags flying every where. You are right, who is he trying to impress? I would ask, "Which of his Buddies is he putting the cologne on for?"

If you were my daughter I would do everything to try and get you away from him. Believe in yourself and know that you deserve better. You will not find better if you continue to sit around waiting for him to change.

I see the same message over and over: what is keeping me with him?

The simple answer is I love him. But its more complicated then that isn't it? In some way I think after my actions I should try to stick it out until I can't anymore. I know that's foolish but my logic and sense fly out the window with him. I think I still see the dreams I've had for a decade with him. Kids, marriage and a white picket fence. My dreams were never big but they were mine and they were with him. I think I'm having an issue letting go of that. If I let go of him, of us then I lose those dreams and I don't know if I'll be brave enough to have any again.

Focus on me I keep chanting to myself but making him happy was a part of me and now I have to figure out how to make me happy again without his influence. I'm trying so hard to figure it all out.

(((((Unagie))))

Oh, {{{{Unagie}}}}!

Yes, you made some poor choices. But bad choices on his part will not make your relationship better. And beating your head against a brick wall will not make you a martyr.

A friend of mine once told me the following analogy. Jethro from the "Beverly Hillbilliys" wanted to be a great artist. His uncle Jed found him beating his hand with a hammer. When asked about it Jethro responded, "if you want to be a great artist, you have to suffer".

It is right that you should suffer, but not in the way your bf is forcing the issue. Your guilt and shame should be internal and related to his pain and suffering, NOT his selfishness and attempts to manipulate you. Stop being Jethro.

I absolutely agree with RidingHealingRoad, if you were my daughter, I'd try everything I could to get you to leave. I see his behavior as an indicator of the type of man he is. Even if you had never made your poor choices, he may well have done the same to you; he certainly seems to be doing that now.

We all want the dream of the white picket fence. Bad news: it doesn't exist except in our minds. Even if you find the perfect soul mate, loyal, loving, faithful, intelligent and giving; one day you'd have to end the relationship.

The good news: all those things are inside of you. You've responded to my threads with compassion and caring, so stop projecting your good qualities onto him: own them and use them on yourself. Stop settling for his after thoughts and start treating yourself with compassion. If you were my wayward, we'd be in reconciliation WITHOUT DRAMA.

It occurs to me that it's time for you to start doing 180. Think about it and {{{{{{Unagie}}}}|}}.

phoenixrivers

[This message edited by phoenixrivers at 3:52 AM, May 20th (Monday)]

How long are you going to punish yourself? Life is short. I have a friend in a similar sich who puts up with so much disrespect because she made mistakes. Sometimes you just have to throw in the towel, especially when theres not much to work with, for example his going out. Learn to love yourself again. You don't have to be miserable because of a past decision. You deserve to.have love and peace.