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Just found out that WH broke the no contact agreement 4 weeks ago, just after telling me that he was completely committed to our marriage and working things out. (This after a week of "Please let me come home", a week of "I'm figuring out what I want - oh it's a divorce", to 2 weeks of "I'm figuring out what I want", to asking for R.) All while actually maintaining NC. (Allegedly).

NOW I find out, after 4 weeks of trying to build trust, that he actually BROKE the NC 4 weeks ago and has been LYING to me every single day since, swearing that he has maintained NC. Lying in our MC too.

The contact wasn't awful - a phone call to her to 'check-in' because he was 'worried about her'. He called from a payphone. She is "devestated", "loves him", and "can't imagine her life without him". (Note after 7 weeks of romantic contact, for a few hours a few times a week - she thinks they're soul mates). He said he was "sorry", that he "loves her", but that he loves me too & is working on our marriage.

So here's what kills me. 1.) That HE broke the NC - what message is he truly giving her? What message is he giving ME?

2.) the level of 'addiction', difficulty releasing the A.

3.) but the biggest F*&&^^ing thing is that HE LIED TO ME EVERY SINGLE DAY SINCE THEN!!! And I have asked, every single day, if he's had contact.

4.) that he only told me when his 'back was against the wall', when I insisted on complete transparancy between our MC and ICs - and that not having that was a deal breaker. The minute he said he had to think about it, I knew.

Please, please please,tell me about broken NC!!! How can I EVER EVER EVER trust him again???? We were actually working on reconciliation, with hard, hard work toward healing & beginning to establish trust. I feel like we are back to 0, no BELOW 0. And there is no hope.

Thank you.

We were actually working on reconciliation,

Gently. There was no R. None.

You were working hard, he was still active in the affair.

What are your boundaries? What were the consequences of broken NC?

What message is he giving ME?

The message he's giving you is you don't matter. He does, and in some pathetic way OW does. That you are worthy of the disrespect of your WH having a GF while he's still M to you.

As Lucky said, this is not R. Yes, you can work past this, but every instance destroys the trust and possibility of a repaired M even more.

The message is this.

Honey, open your eyes. I am not who you think I am. I am a liar. I am a coward. I love another woman. I can't be trusted. Your emotional well being means nothing to me.

I suggest that you file for divorce. You can change your mind before the divorce is final. Why you would want to change your mind is not clear to me, but that option would be there.

The message is:

he was 'worried about her'

he "loves her

I think those messages are pretty clear. He is not some prize that you should be happy about when he says he loves you both and "chooses" you. I can only say what I would do in your shoes and that is kick him to the curb. I agree with others, that is far far from R, though it may have been a false R for you during the time you actually believed he was NC and not lying.

First, I am so, so, sorry you are having to go through this. All of us know what kind of pain you are in this close to DDay.

Now about hubby. He is nowhere close to reconcilliation. He is still deep, deep, in the fog of the affair. He is afraid of losing his home and his life, but he has not let go of the fantasy of the affair.

He called her. He is concerned about her. He loves her...etc., etc. He will take the affair underground if he hasn't already.

To save your marriage, if it can be saved, you need to start a hard 180 immediately. Most of us want to jump to reconcilliation immediately and if we have a spouse still in the fog, that is very reassuring to them. They will become a cake eater and think they can have you both. You need to knock that idea out of his head pronto.

Read up on the 180, see an attorney to sort out your options, let him know that you did. Start thinking about a divorce and how you will manage it. Doesn't mean that it will happen, but you need to be mentally prepared for it, and he needss to think that you are.

(Even if you are dying inside, love him, and want nothing more than your life back.)

It is the only thing that will snap him out of the fog and save your marriage if it can be saved.

Again, so, so, sorry. I never knew anything could hurt so bad. Hugs. K

Btdt. I am so sorry that you are here. The message from your H to her and to you is really clear, even if he doesn't get it. She is that important- worth risking it all for. He knows how much he hurt you. The struggle to get you to take him back, etc. but he was willing to risk hurting you again and all the progress that you to shave been making to talk with her.

The trust can be re built, but you need to take care of yourself first. Continue IC, support yourself with IRL supports, and let him go work on himself. I don't think he is a good candidate for MC right now, but I am if that mind set, I wouldn't start MC initially until WH worked on himself, and I stopped after I found he broke NC last fall. I sent him back to IC, and told him to work on himself. As of yet, the results are not particularly promising,

Take care of yourself.

I'm afraid Im going to have to agree with the ohers. I'm so sorry. His concern over her well being and him saying he loves you both...no that's not R. He's ggoing to have to have a huge awakening that sometimes only filing for D can make happen. I wish u the best.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and support. We have been separated since DDay (I kicked him out the night I found out). We had been working toward him coming home, something he desperately wanted, but a part of me felt like he wasn't really committed...and of course he wasn't.

The way I see it, he was still in the affair as long as he was still actively LYING to me about contact with her. The lie, (which included some minimizing of his thoughts of her now & his feeling during the affair) held him still in the EA, even if the PA wasn't continuing. WH also is seeing how cruel (to her & me) this contact was, that, although he told himself it came from caring about her, it was a completely selfish and manipulative, designed to keep the his options open & him in her thoughts. (I mean how cruel can you be? "I 'm thinking about you, I love you, but I love my wife more & I'm committed to my marriage. So sorry your devastated. Again." - this was a replay of their original "good-bye".)

So where does that leave me? Exploring my options. Taking a BIIIIIG step back. No longer focused on him, us, her, healing him, healing us, our future. Just focusing on ME and my beautiful children. Figuring out what I want for myself, for now & for the future.

And him. well. There's a part of me that is afraid that pulling back contact will leave a hole that he'll be tempted to fill with contact with her. But so be it. I now understand that NOTHING I say or do will change his actions. No promise or vow to me will mean anything unless he CHOOSES to honor it. So - I have to do what's right & healing for me, he needs to work on his own heavily layered s*&t & we'll see.

[This message edited by broken17 at 8:20 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Oh. And we were/are in MC, both in IC too. He had been lying in MC. The moment of truth came when I told him we had to have complete transparency between all our therapists or I was done.

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I have absolutely no advice for you and, for that, I'm sorry. All I can say is that I agree with everyone else, he is not trying to R, he is still active in the A, unfortunately.

Sending you prayers, hugs and strength!

Oh dear Broken, I am so sorry. I also have been there, done that. FWH actually dragged me to MC and then lied to them. I got to tell the whole sordid story to two different MC, the whole time he was texting and talking to skank.

My advice to you would be to stop MC and make it perfectly clear to your WH that it is not going to start again until YOU are ready.

He is further damaging your M by continuing to allow the pig space between his ears. Yes, checking and "worrying" about this pig is not considered working on the M. And I respectfully disagree, the contact was awful. SHE is devastated?!? How about his wife, the mother of his children?!?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but I would pull out the 180 and put it to use like yesterday. I am so sorry for your pain. I went through 3+ months of him breaking NC, even texting skank while he was in bed with me, months after I thought we were in R. It was awful.

Take care.

E.

Thanks everyone. I have spoken to an attorney, am gathering financial information, have been researching D...all along. I've always kept my options open. (In retrospect, I'm sure I was 'clued in' to something).

I'm not sure what I want to do, but I know that if I decide to move forward with a D, I want to do it thoughtfully and with care...and as lovingly as possible. Not for him, but for my boys. I have survived, as a child, 2 extremely contentious divorces and I will not do that to my children, regardless of how satisfying it might be for me.

I just read up on the 180 & realize that I've been doing it since I found out about the contact & continued lying. It wasn't really conscious, just my automatic pull-back that followed this kind of awesome wave of detachment.

I'll talk to the MC about whether it makes sense to continue at this time. thanks again!

[This message edited by broken17 at 10:33 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]