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The drama just never ends. The EW cashed a check for the 11 year old he had gotten from my parents for Easter. Partially my fault for not cashing it but I've been a little busy keeping our lives running. So my mom emails me and asked about it. She was sick when she saw the EW's signature on the check. I was pretty sure she would not spend it on herself. But I need to inquire about the check. So I did. I tried to be as nice as possible but still state that it was inappropriate to cash the check and not at least contact me and tell me. If it had not been from my parents not a huge deal. But to not even have the courtesy to tell me was just wrong (IMO). I wasn't trying to make a big deal out of it, it was only $25 after all. But that's the way it went down. A number of email exchanges and name calling. That lead to her (again) stating she will go back to her attorney to go after more money from me. My response at this point is go ahead. If you can get more blood from that stone do it. I'm not just handing over any more so go ahead and go after me. In addition we agreed to split the kids accounts (she holds 3 of 4). Now she says screw you on the kids accounts I'm keeping the 3 I have. Fine I said you will just hurt your kids since your parents and my parents won't contribute to an account you are holding. Then she always likes to throw in "I wouldn't have taken your car, other funds if you hadn't been a such and a-hole". Hmm. Let's see I walked on eggshells and basically kissed your ass for 7 months putting this deal together to minimize my damage and attorney fees. I blew up one time and now you would of gone easier on me if I hadn't blown up the one time? How come I have a hard time believing that?

Then she writes me today and says why do you make a big deal over catty things. So I wrote her back and said while I hate writing back and putting any emotions out there, you seem to fail to realize what the last 9 months have been like. You never put yourself in my shoes and think what all this will do to me. I gave you so many opportunities to make this better. Even life after the D could of been better. But to me and people around me it looks like you just keep coming back for more. I have a lot of people around me that listen to what I say and how I feel. I in turn listen to them, this is how I heal. They constantly ask me how could she do this or that? I don't know. No remorse, no guilt, no concern about anyone else. I don't know how that happens.

In addition I said "You have often said I would never accept *asshat*." Of course I can't. How could you expect me to? How could you expect your parent or any of our friends to accept him? I told you back in the beginning, your choice to stay with him would result in sacrifices by you, you would lose things. Everyone from our old world is not just going to welcome him in with open arms. He is part of the group that has hurt our children. Many people will never accept him because of that. On top of that, he too has decided to take shots at me, firing text and emails at me. (I just love the one where he said "You lost dude" - I didn't realize my marriage and my family was a game). So now I must continue to try and move on and heal. I was a great husband and I was very good to you. Now I will be even better for someone else.

Today is one of those days I want out. I could just pack up and sell the house and leave town. I have a good career that I can do anywhere for another firm. I could easily start a new life. I fought so hard for my kids and this house. But today I feel drained, exhausted. I don't want to do this for another 10 years while my kids grow up. Maybe I would just be better leaving town. Give her the kids full time and let her see what it will really be like without me around. It feels like she has it too easy. Still works limited part time hours, drives nice cars, now engaged to asshat, only has to be a mom part time (exactly what she wanted). Meanwhile I'm busting my ass working full time, paying for two households, holding onto what I have left after the D. If I didn't have kids I would probably be gone already. I'm tired, I'm drained and today I just feel beaten. This just sucks some days.

[This message edited by Dadtryingtocope at 2:28 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

Dttc, one of the things you'll learn (as many of us have) is which battles are necessary and which ones aren't. In all honesty, contacting her about a $25.00 check wasn't necessary. You know what to do in the future, so you just let it go and have all checks sent to you from now on.

Take a breath and take some time to refocus. I know it's difficult and extremely frustrating (been there, done that), but it does get better.

I know that it was not a huge deal. The check was sent to me. My oldest took it with him to his mother's house. She took it and cashed it for him. It's really about principles now. But every conversation becomes a bitch session because she thinks I am trying to start a fight. I know part of it is my own lose of control on some things. Another part of it is she got to go ahead and flee the scene. Run off and make her new happiness (at my expense). Why can't I flee? I know the answer is my kids. It's just one of those days I'm in negotiation with myself on how much more of this I really want to do.

In time, she won't be able to get under your skin so easily. You'll be able to step back and truly see how ludicrous her behavior is and actually laugh at her. It's a wonderful feeling....trust me on that.

((((dttc))))

Thanks NIK.

(((dadtryingtocope)))

Oh boy, do I know how you feel! It's hard holding all this shit together and feeling like they have rode off into the sunset. There were many times that I wished I could just disappear, let him raise Teslet and see how he liked doing it all (even though he wouldn't cause he has stripper whore picking up his slack).

Deep breath, Dad. We are in this for something bigger than a colossal "fuck you" to our waywards. (Although I often have fantasies where I'm giving ex-shat the bird with a big ol' smile on my face ) We are in this because our children deserve at least one tuned-in parent. And your kiddos have an awesome dad.

As for the principle thing...somewhat gentle 2X4 here: she doesn't get the principle of being faithful, she's not going to get the check thing.

This story shouldn't make me happy, but I will share it anyway.

My STBX is NOTORIOUS for sending messages through the children. He does it all the time, and it's really frustrating. Constantly having the kids ask me about schedule changes and such.

So I figured out I wasn't the only one he does this to.. Looking at my son's phone a couple months ago, I noticed my son texted my MIL, "Can OW and OW's kid come over?" MIL texted him back, "I really want to see you DS. Why does STBX have to bring OW and OW's kid over?" I can't tell you how good it made me feel to see my MIL say that. She was a victim of infidelity as well, so I'm not surprised she isn't welcoming OW in with open arms.

But I didn't have to do anything there. That was her choice to say that to my son. Yes, they will lose the respect of tons of family and friends. Sometimes I wonder why STBX is so willing to lose everybody for that skank, but apparently he is. He has lost almost EVERYBODY. Whatever.. You really don't have to point that fact out to her. Let her feel the consequences without showing them to her.. I would really recommend you stop engaging her in conversation. I know she hurt you, but you are talking to a brick wall..

I know it's tempting to cut and run, but your kids really need you. It's obvious where your wife's priorities are, so it's imperative you stick around for them. Please don't leave them with a woman who really only wants to be a part-time mom. She probably wants even less than that if I'm honest.

I would really focus on the 180 with your ex and strict NC with her except kids and finances. When the conversation veers off, just stick to the important topic and completely ignore the rest of her bull..

Lots of hugs to you. Maybe it's time for a new hobby or something fun around your area on your days off from the kids. You deserve to have some fun on your time off too

I'm hoping this is just a trigger time for me but it is also the strongest I've felt about cutting out. I just feel like I'm doing 90% of the work and paying 80% of the bills. I meet my little one at her soccer practice and I have to face the OM driving her there. It's just trigger after trigger. Now we have a holiday coming plus my birthday and I don't feel like celebrating anything. I hate this. It's frustrating because I've done so well for 9 months. I plowed through the whole D process knowing it was the right thing to do. I came out on the other side beat up but breathing and now I feel like I am just dying a piece at a time.

I am trying to stay busy. I have all kinds of things to do at the house. I am going to check out our local cross fit gym on Thursday because it is always something I wanted to do. Trying to find that happy place. Maybe I'm just entering another phase of the D. I don't know.

Just imagine the OM being the primary father figure in your kids' lives because you're gone.

(((DTTC)))

DTTC, there are definitely ups and downs in this process and my guess is that you were so focused on getting through the divorce that you never had time to really process the emotions. Now that your ex is engaged (for whatever reason, the OM seems seriously spiteful so he probably did it just to hurt you more), you're probably especially having a hard time. Is there any way at all for you to avoid them and detach for a little while? Without cutting and running? I'm the last one to offer up this advice (funny how others' situations are so clear when your own is not) but...can you just not engage for a while? Not respond if she emails you? She's just being an ass now and so is the OM so it's just not going to get you anywhere. She's in whatever fog she's in and she just doesn't care. Not only that, but you getting upset probably simply reinforces the notion that she was right to get away. I'm not saying that you're not 100% correct and entitled to every single feeling you're having...just don't turn them toward her. Tell your parents, your friends, anyone but her. Where she's concerned, appear to have moved on. It is your best revenge. Along with the fact that she and OM are never going to last. You just have to wait for that to implode. Unfortunately, from every angle, time is your best friend. I hope you feel better really soon.

The first year after I was divorced was really hard; being a single parent and pulling the whole financial load on my own, taking care of my kids and trying to help them deal with it all; taking care of the house etc. It is not for the faint of heart and I often felt like it was just a grind with very little joy or relief. My ex was not as bad as many on SI but he did continue to push my boundaries. But, as time has gone on (I am more than 3 years out) it is easier to deal with and life seems a lot brighter.

I promise you it won't always hurt this bad.

I promise you you'll get better at NC when you realise its not worth the angst.

I promise you once you are firmly on the road to detachment what she says/does will have zero impact on you.

We can't control their fuckery but we can control how much we let it impact us.

STOP talking to her friend. Just stop. I recommend hardcore NC.

I feel trapped too friend. I hate it that I'm tied to him and will have to deal with him on some level for the next 16 years. If it weren't for the kids I would have walked away from everything and been on the first plane out of here.

But I do have kids so that isn't an option. The best thing I can do right now is focus on me and my girls.

((DTTC)) Damned rollercoaster.

I agree with everyone else. You need to detach from her and go as NC as you possiblly can. Get an on-line calendar and schedule things there. Don't call her, don't text her. Send an e-mail if you have to, but keep it brief and to the point. She doesn't care about your feelings or your principles. She doesn't care what you think about that check or anything else. You are D'd, she is engaged, and you are going to have to let it go now. Eventually you will get to a point of indiffernce in everything she does and says. It just won't matter anymore.

You will always have regret that the marriage did not work because of the impact on the children and the wasted years you spent trying to hold it together, but indifference does come with NC and time and you do move on with your life. You just have to set your mind to that fact and quit engaging in conversations that do nothing but lead to more arguements. Like others have said, you have to pick your battles when you are D'd. You don't control her and she doesn't control you. I know it is frustrating as hell when they do something that you don't agree with. Then you have to count to 10 and ask yourself how important is it in the grand scheme of things. After a while, not much of it really matters. The best revenge is NC and to live your life to the best of your ability.

We all have thought of running off to somewhere else far away, but that is not reality when you have children you love. You just take it one day at a time and it will get better. (((HUGS)))

Dadtryingtocope it gets better, it really does.

When we separated I became a single mother. My EX works out of province and only has to see our son 1 week out of the month, and even then only takes him a few hours here and there, never over night. His choice.

He pays chils support, but it is nowhere near enough to cover every expense that is incurred. So I take on the financial burden.

That being said, I started to do things for myself like you are. I took up running and martial arts. I started to get to know myself all over again as a single person and it made me so happy.

There are times i am very angry at him, but most of the time I can now talk to him without the venom. I keep our conversations to our son, his family (in laws) and his work schedule. He occasionally tries to be my friend but I cut that off quickly, he lost that right.

It is now two years since I separated and I am feeling great, I have a BF who treats me like I deserve, a great kid and a great life. I only think of the Ex once a month when he arrives back in town.

So keep holding on life does get better.