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I no longer want to think about this, I know I will end up making the wrong choices. Please SI, tell me what to do.

Should I give my DD's Dad a notice? Let him know that the restraining order issued for my DD expires next month? Mine expires in 2018. I guess the judge wanted to give him a chance at parenting. Deep down, I don't want my daughter to grow up without her father. I don't. I want to give him a chance, even if it means supervised visits.

I saw him today for the first time in 7 months. I was coming home from work and bumped into him inside the train station. He got out of jail ( Due to Domestic Violence ) last month. I KNOW this sounds like a person who shouldn't be around any child. But what if he wants to see her? like I said, I want to at least try supervised visits. I can't bear the thought of my daughter growing up without knowing her Dad.

BUT I want him to give up his parental rights. I want sole custody. Even if I decide to not go through with the first plan, I want sole custody. How can I do this if there's a restraining order in the way? I don't have an attorney, lawyer. I want to be able to speak to him and tell him to relinquish his rights.

I'm so very confused. I don't know what to do. I have all these thoughts going through my head and don't know which one is best. Please help a confused momma out.

Sorry, but there's not enough information to even make a guess. Was the DV against you and/or your DD? If not, what did he do to go to jail for it? How old is your DD? Is he the reason you're here? What is his personality?

It just might not be a bad idea for your DD to grow up not knowing her father; there's just not enough information for anyone to try to help you.

I think you need to get some legal advice because it's a difficult area to navigate and you need to understand what it is you're really trying to accomplish.

Typically, sole custody and relinquishing rights are different things. Sole custody he has legal standing as her parent, though you have more control, and they can have a relationship should the court see fit to allow it, but if he relinquishes his rights he has no right to her at all, he has no legal standing as her parent. (Though I have no idea what state you are in)

Is there a legal aid clinic that could assist you?

I got a restraining order against him due to Domestic Violence.

His personality? Bipolar and ADHD. Lots of Highs and Lows. I believe at the time that the abuse began, he was experiencing one of his worst episodes. Extremely depressed for months, lots of crying, would get upset/angry over anything, fighting a lot with family members, getting into fights etc...

My DD is a year old.

He is the reason I'm here. We were once a couple and he cheated a lot. I found out about this site while looking for a way to cope with his infidelity. This time I just need help figuring this out.

I know it all sounds crazy BUT 1. I thought he was moving. I now see that he hasn't and I'm probably going to be bumping into him lots. 2. He deserves a chance? What am I supposed to do if I see him while walking around with my DD, run? say NO?

He deserves a chance

Why?

Do you know that he's getting help? That he's on effective medication? That he's changed at all?

Also, you will probably invalidate your RO if you contact him. Go on line to the court website and see if there is any info.

It sounds like you need to do a lot of work on yourself if you are having these thoughts. This does not sound rational.

The title of this post is "Tell me what to do!"

So I'm going to tell you what to do. You need to get into counseling immediately. Your words are not the the healthy words of a mother who is thinking clearly. You need to protect your daughter from her unwell, violent father. Instead you're trying to explain why what he did isn't so bad. You're trying to enable him. This is not healthy thinking.

You're saying you want him to reliniquish his parental rights, then you say that you don't want your daughter to grow up without him. Which is it? He's a good person? Or he's a SOB who is so violent you got a PO from him? No court is going to take you seriously when you engage in double-speak. If he's such a bastard that you want him to relinquish his parental rights, then how can you possibly then say that you want your daughter to have any kind of relationship with him?

You need counseling to figure out why you think this way.

Oh, and don't tell him anything. Don't even talk to him. Don't talk to him. Don't contact him.

Sad- Yes I'm aware of my um irrational thoughts, reason why I'm looking for advice. I have an appointment with a counselor for next week.

Like I said earlier, I really thought he was moving to another state. Now that I know he's not, I wonder if keeping DD away is fair?

If he were to ask me to see her, Do I just simply say NO?

Nature - Read your post after posting. I guess I'm just having a hard time coming to terms with the fact that he's out AND so close to DD and I.

I was doing well up till his release date. I've been a mess since then :(

(((HUGS))))

I am so sorry.

My feeling is you need help in making these decisions for yourself and your DD.

That being said. Your DD is a year old. Anyone who comes into your life will likely be daddy to her. She most likely will have no memory of her bio father unless he steps up and asks for visitation.

Getting sole custody.. legally he can be ordered to pay CS. Relinquishing his parental rights means he no longer has any responsibility to DD.. financial or emotional.

If he did something to hurt, or threaten DD as an infant... I wouldn't want him around her at all. Unstable Bi polar people are famous for not taking their medications when they are feeling good and very rarely recognize the slippery slope when they start to have 'off' days.

Be very careful with talking to the courts with wanting one thing one minute and then the other thing. His attorney will use that against you. I also would not tell him anything. He has an attorney that will inform him the RO has expired.

Can you get another, based on the fact that he is out and you thought he would be out of state once he got out. But now that he is in town.. you want another to protect your DD. She can't tell you if he hurts her.. only if the bruises show up will you know.

Hugs,

K

Aside from every other reason given here to keep your poor innocent child the hell away from an abusive, mentally unstable, exconvict... Why would it ever be your responsibility to keep track of and remind him of things like when his daughter's RO expires? You are not his secretary. You asked what if he wants to see her - If he does care about that, it's up to him to keep track of when it's a possibility. I personally hope he forgets.

If the RO is still in effect for you, he has no business approaching you. If he does, it is a violation. So if you are out with your daughter and he approaches, you have every right and responsibility to tell him to stay away. If he doesn't, he has violated the RO.

If he truly wants to see his daughter, he will initiate the legal proceedings to make that happen. Since you still have the RO, even if he got visitation, you would not be present. At that point the court would appoint someone for supervised visitation.

Sending strength and peace.

NL

You're getting a lot of concepts confused here.

There's:

Legal custody--decision making (school, doctors, etc.);

Physical custody--who has the kid and when; AND

Parental rights

Those are all different and separate issues. Anyway.

It's my understanding that it is extremely difficult to terminate parental rights and that it is unlikely to occur unless there is someone else willing to step in and adopt the child. Say if you were remarried and your new husband was willing to legally adopt the child.

It seems that you aren't married to your DD's dad? And there are no court orders that address the custody issue? If that's the case, then it seems to me that you kinda have sole custody by default and, while he certainly has just as much *right* to the child as you do, you have complete control over whether he sees her or not. If he wants to see her, make him take you to court over it.

You really, really, really should consult with an attorney for guidance on this issue in order to protect your daughter.

Should I give my DD's Dad a notice? Let him know that the restraining order issued for my DD expires next month?

No and no.

It seems that you aren't married to your DD's dad? And there are no court orders that address the custody issue? If that's the case, then it seems to me that you kinda have sole custody by default and, while he certainly has just as much *right* to the child as you do, you have complete control over whether he sees her or not.

I missed that part from your post, but if it's true that there are no custody orders currently in place I would absolutely not let him see her until custody is established. You are running the risk that he could choose to not bring her back and it could turn into a huge mess.

I really hope you will seek out a legal consult, many attorneys will consult for free, or call legal aid.

This man is bipolar and has already been violent. It will only get worse from here.

There is no way in the world you should ever let your daughter be with this man. He could hurt or even kill her and then himself. My bipolar husband killed himself last year and he wanted to take my dogs with him. I never let him see them alone, EVER.

Get some help. You need to protect yourself and your daughter. These men are no joke. And never let him near you again without calling the police.

Good luck to you.