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I am the WH and my BS and I were on the path of R. We were having a good 3 week stretch when yesterday she triggered. She was just pissed at all of the thing's that I have done and believe me there have been plenty.She started screaming at me and instead of taking it. I know she has the right to but I immediatly went to self pity and pouting the fight continued this morning. We went to lunch and had a pleasent time. Tomorrow we will start over. Day 1 again. i know I have no right to fight with her so I am asking if anyone has any advice on how to end the fight once she starts screaming? Anybody else going through this? I am running out of chances.

Let her scream, listen, and validate her feelings. You can explain yourself later or on another day when she can hear what you have to say.

I've screamed at my WH out of frustration and anger because he was defensive and didn't understand what I was feeling or trying to say.

When I was in a phase of losing it a lot, it had a lot to do with the fact that the more upset I got, the more FWH would mentally check out and just look at me like a deer in headlights.

Not getting a response is like being ignored or abandoned to a BS that is in trigger town.

If you can respond to her with compassion, that may be able to help her down. Feel your defense mechanism start to rise, and shut it off. Be the healer, and tell her over and over "I'm so sorry. I know you're hurting. What do you need right now? How can I help try to stop the hurt?"

Don't turn it into a fight - remember that the place she's coming from doesn't warrant a regular response, you need to treat her as if you destroyed her mind and heart and you want nothing more than for her hurting to stop.

Let her scream. If she's screaming it's because she feels she's not being heard. Let her scream. Hear her. Listen to what she has to say. Apologize. Be specific,more than a general "Im sorry." Be sincere. Be remorseful.

I've read some of her posts,and some of yours. Your path to R has been very bumpy. I think a big part of that is because your BW hasn't felt as if you hear her..and the self pity and pouting only makes it worse...it' selfish..it's about you..not her..you hear her pain and you turn it around and feel sorry for YOU. Cheating was all about you,too. So when you start the self pity and she sees you being selfish,it only triggers her more.

Yes. It is very hard for you, but it is 100X harder for your BW. As I tell my WH#2, put the shoe on your foot and pretend you are me. How would you be feeling right now. The thing is what you think you would feel is not how she is feeling at all. Until you are the betrayed you can't even imagine how you would feel or what you would think.

In order to have a successful R I think you must let her vent and scream if that is how she needs to release her pain at times. Instead of getting defensive and feeling pity for yourself, listen to her, validate you are hearing her, and tell her you are sorry for causing her to feel this pain and anger. After you do this several times and she knows she is being heard, then I bet the screaming will become less and less. She just wants you to hear her and you owe her that much. R is not easy, but in the long run you get what you put into it. Hope that helped some from a BS point of view.

You've got some good advice.

Self Pity is SO destructive. It took a while for me to get out of it ( after a lifetime of feeling the victim it was a hard cycle to break) But it is possible. You are not the victim here. Stop acting like one.

Let her scream. Instead of asking how to end the fight....don't make it one.

This is a hell of a ride. For both parties.