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windowsnotwalls (original poster member #36983) posted at 12:31 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
Really thought I was done grieving our once life. Hell, it all came crashing down 10/08/2010. It's been almost 3 years. I've mourned and mourned, and I thought I had finally come to accept it all over the past several months. I had honestly forgiven him, and anything I would get upset about recently was new hurts, not old stuff. I was happy to feel I had finally begun to heal from all the lost dreams.
This morning, though, I'm fucking ANGRY. My daughter was a terror this morning....again. (She has autism) I have another middle of the night disaster to clean in the toy room. She'll be 10 this coming month, and I don't know where I'm gonna get the strength or patience for another 8-11yrs of this crap. Then I was reminded this wasn't in the plan. I wasn't supposed to be a single mom now. I should have a fucking supportive husband. He'd have NEVER put up with the shit he did if the tables were turned. In some way, I feel that makes him less sick than me. I need to quit comparing, quit thinking of how it was supposed to be, and just accept this is it.
I'm on my own, but I have been anyway, for a long time. Haven't had his consistent support in over 3yrs. It was about this time 3yrs ago that he just totally shut down on life. It's affair season, it's triggers everywhere, and I'm just pissed and sad this morning. FTG.
I'm even more pissed I'm thinking of him. He doesn't deserve my thoughts, not even angry ones. I'm angry I'm not fully focused on me this morning, that he even has a space in my head. This isn't healthy, this anger and disappointment. I'm angry that at 32yrs old I'm struggling to get above water and breathe for the first time in years. This shouldn't be my life!!! 
I need to snap out of this funk I'm in this morning.
Me (39): BS
Him (39): WS
Praying my way through each day.
Content (Philippians 4: 11b-13)
openedupmyeyes ( member #27871) posted at 1:11 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
Good morning Windows,
No words of wisdom. Just know you've been heard. We all know the anger you are feeling. You are not alone. You are strong and good. You have been heard.
Me:55 BS
Him:55 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:37
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.
BaldwinBeauty59 ( member #35507) posted at 1:39 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
(((((windowsnotwalls)))))
I hope your afternoon goes better than your morning.
Me - BW (53)
Him - WH (56)
OW - skanky whore coworker
Married 33 years
DDay1 8/10/11
DDay2 8/15/11
DDay3 8/28/11
2 grown children
Status - in R
SBB ( member #35229) posted at 1:46 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
Vent away mamma. You'll feel better just getting it out.
Letting go of what I never had was very very painful but necessary for my healing. Accepting it doesn't bypass the mourning. I expect I'll be mourning it for quite some time yet.
((WNW))
I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!
stilltrying2025 ( member #39145) posted at 1:48 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
(((windowsnotwalls)))
Wow, that's a lot to deal with. I'm so sorry that you are going through this! I have absolutely no words of wisdom for you but I hope you have a better day! Big hugs to you......
Me: 38
WH: 43
DD: Thanksgiving Day, 2012
Status: Separated
nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 1:54 PM on Thursday, May 23rd, 2013
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
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