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It's just not logical that I should still be feeling this much pull toward the AP. At least now I'm telling BH how I feel--but he doesn't understand it. Neither do I, not really.

I mean, it makes more sense when people have two-year affairs where they're seeing each other weekly, talking often, maybe IM'ing a lot.

I "met" AP on AM, practically the day I signed up (one of the many sharks who smelled new blood in the water). He lives overseas and was traveling here on business in a week. His writing charmed me, and I agreed to meet him for lunch.

We hit it off, we kissed, it was magical. We averaged then probably 5 emails per week, and he returned several weeks later. We had three rendezvouses in a 5-day period. BH busted me, and about a week later we sent AP a NC email.

Of course I fucking broke NC, twice, and came clean just a couple days ago, when BH kinda 180'd me and broke me out of the fog.

Now that I am actually committed to NC, and truly want to put AP in my rear-view mirror...I have to admit to myself and BH that I still feel that pull. The drug addiction, so to speak.

I've read Maia's withdrawal survival guide. Logically, rationally: I get it. So, why can't I simply shut it off?

Time is going to be the solution to this, and of course diligence. But it is so confusing. BH is so supportive, but obviously this hurts him, and I hate feeling this way.

Can anyone relate, and how did you get through it?

EDITED to remove information which may identify me to the OBS, in case she stumbles upon this site.

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 2:36 PM, June 4th (Tuesday)]

I don't think you feel a pull towards the AP, but more the way he made you feel.

You enjoyed the validation. He made you feel sexy; like you were the only thing that mattered to him.

What is important is that you recognize this - that it was all just to make you feel good. Until you let those feelings go, real R just isn't possible...

I had a post a few weeks ago and some WS talked about how they too felt that way and what made them realize how wrong that is.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=495679&HL=37775

SandAway, thanks for the thread and the diagnosis: rationally, I get that I miss the feelings--not the person.

Quoting Aubrie from that thread:

he used arm chair shrink tactics on me to suck me in further

This became abundantly clear to me, when BH read AP's emails and busted out laughing--because I was so easily sucked in.

We speak of As in terms of addiction, in part because it gives us a context. What I wonder is, did you (anyone) have an "a ha moment" where you suddenly snapped out of it?

If I were an alcoholic or a meth addict, at least I could be shut away in a place where I couldn't access the substance. Harder to do that, with my brain. So I'm left with willing myself to just "get over it." Or--I am still delusional, or in denial. I've pulled my head far enough out of my ass, at least, to recognize that possibility.

Time. It took over a year for me to feel that indifference. In the meantime my emotions ranged anywhere from wanting him again(barf) to hating him. It's leveled off to just not caring and general disgust. I kept it to myself though. At first I didn't and that was a HUGE mistake. Then every time my BH was a dick to me I'd go back into that AP fantasy. But that's all it is:fantasy.

20W,

I'm one of those who had a 2 year plus intense emotional affair with daily online contact for hours a day. The attachment was intense and I was addicted to him/the feelings of him/to the highs, who knows. Fact is I was extremely dependent on him for filling ALL my needs. Withdrawal was really hard for me as you know as we've exchanged posts about it.

I had an "a-ha" moment and this was it:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=450823

Aubrie is a vet and her posts have been especially helpful for me as she's providing what I (and most fresh ww's) need the most: PERSPECTIVE. We tend to lose all sense of reality. In my head there were moments I would have left everything for the high. What the fuck was I thinking?

You are still foggy. Still attached to the drama or to the highs or the way you felt. I miss that bit too. I felt amazing but it was FANTASY. What's helped me is reminding myself of how cheap I felt when AP did certain things and how my H has never made me feel like that. Yeh, there may be absence of certain things like not being complimented enough by H or being told how amazing I am but why do I need that so much anyway? What about the things he DOES do. And there are plenty of things he does to make me feel secure, stable and protected which ultimately is what I want and need. The stuff I went for during the EA was shallow and fickle. Selfish and cowardly. Immature and weak.

Don't know if you catch my drift. What I'm saying is focus on what you have NOW and stop drifting or escaping as that shit wasn't real.

Then every time my BH was a dick to me I'd go back into that AP fantasy

I tend to do this but am so aware of it now that I consciously change my mind set when this happens. I now speak to BH about how he's being an asshole rather than withdrawing into the fantasy in my head.

Hang in there 20, it does get easier. Not saying that I'm at the indifferent stage yet, cos I'm not, but as each day passes I feel i'm going closer towards it.

I think just "saying this out loud" and writing it out here was very cathartic. It helped me let go of that feeling, and I truly feel detached now from the AP. A week ago I was still having a hard time with it. Every day it gets easier.

focus on what you have NOW and stop drifting or escaping as that shit wasn't real.

Yes, I totally am focusing on what I have now. I'd always compartmentalized, and separated that "escapist fantasy" from my real life.

IRL I have a brilliant, empathetic husband who hasn't thrown my ass out, in spite of what I've done to shatter his world. Tomorrow is our 12th wedding anniversary. For better or worse, we said. I've tested the limits of "worse," and he responds by demonstrating "better."

In these past few weeks I've bared my twisted soul on SI, and encouraged BH to join me. As I've transitioned from fog to acceptance of my choices--I've lied (to myself, BH, you), exaggerated, embellished, justified, confessed, and searched. I'm grateful to have such a supportive, pull-no-punches community of people (on both sides) who dedicate their time to helping us heal.[/bold]

[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 10:10 AM, May 25th (Saturday)]

20wrongs...

You will not call out and flame any of the members on this site, especially those that have taken the time to help your husband.

You may not like what's being said, but that doesn't make their opinions wrong.

Post accordingly or you will be removed from this site.

20wrongs...

You will not call out and flame any of the members on this site, especially those that have taken the time to help your husband.

You may not like what's being said, but that doesn't make their opinions wrong.

Post accordingly or you will be removed from this site.

urrrrm.. Did I miss something?

Trying, 20 was flagged for flaming members, as you can see she has edited her original post. If you have further questions, please PM a Moderator.