Today I am sad, and a little angry. I have been trying to keep the anger out lately because I know it does not serve any purpose. I wonder though if maybe I shouldn’t suppress my anger, or if that is what I am even doing? I don’t know. I just feel like there is no point in being angry, it’s done, whether I want it to be or not. My husband, the man I thought was mine only gave, his time, his body and his words of love to another, and there isn’t a thing I can do about it. I wish I could go back to before it started, stop it somehow, but I can’t. It’s funny because this fact of being unable to do anything to change this major aspect in my life is one of the things that bothers me the most. I feel so powerless about it; I want to change it so bad, and I can’t. Does anyone else feel this frustration and sadness with the powerlessness of their situation. I know there are some things that I can control, like what I do now, but there are so many things I feel unable to control or stop, like the things that trigger me and my reactions to them. I want to look at a picture of my husband and not be sad that he is not the same man he was before, I want to look at a picture of the OW and not feel overwhelming hatred. I want my life back, the life I had before Dday, I want my sanity, and the fact that I literally cannot go back upsets me. I know this is irrational, but its how I feel.
I am also sad and angry because I feel so disappointed in my WH. For months I worried that he would do this, and I talked to him about it and begged him not to and he always assured me that he had no interest in the OW, even after he was already fucking her. Because of what happened years ago when we were first dating, I always worried he was capable of something like this, but I told myself, and he told me, that he loved me too much and that he would never do it, and I am disappointed that he did do it after all, that my fears about him have now been confirmed. This is also a weird aspect of the way I feel, because in a way, deep down, I suppose I never really expected anything else. I am just disappointed that he met my lowest expectations of him, instead of the high ones I was hoping he would meet. Does that make any sense? I suppose this is a good thing, because it means that in a way he is the man I married, but just not the best version of him. I don’t know, maybe I am just rambling. Well anyway, I am sad today, and I know many of you are feeling the same. I hope everything works out for us all in the end and that our waywards try to have a care with our hearts and don’t confirm our biggest fears in life a second time; I am not sure my heart or my sanity could survive a second stomping, sometimes I think the only reason I am still here is because I have my son and another coming soon, if not for them I would have quit on Dday.
[This message edited by inshockandhurt at 6:03 PM, May 23rd (Thursday)]
