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My H is flying down to Houston this afternoon for a customer conference tomorrow. He'll be home by 9:00pm tomorrow night. He's going with extremely "safe" people that I can trust so I really don't have anything to worry about. But...

Last night, we were lying in bed and before he went to sleep, he told me how much he was going to miss me, love me, etc. I curled up behind him and all of the sudden, I couldn't breathe. My chest started pounding. I starting crying quietly. I was trying to control it but he noticed, turned over and held me for a long time. I finally had to take an Ambien to help me sleep.

I've never had anything like that happen to me - Ever! I hate that his brokenness has changed me so much. I am totally jaded when it comes to matters of the heart. Physically, at various times over the last year, my hair fell out, I couldn't keep any food down for more than 15 minutes, couldn't stop crying, couldn't sleep, and lost 30 lbs. I had to take Ambien and an AD to get over all of that stuff. But I recovered and am off all the meds - except the occassional Ambien like last night.

So now that our reconciliation is going very well, I have a panic attack? It's a one day trip. COW4 will not be around. His brokenness has turned me into an insecure, jaded cry-baby. And I hate it!!!

He's the picture perfect remorseful spouse. He answers my questions without getting defensive. He holds me when I need it. He takes full responsibility for all of the pain that he has caused me and the boys.

So why now am I having a panic attack?

His brokenness has turned me into an insecure, jaded cry-baby. And I hate it!!!

This is so not true. I have watched you become a strong independent woman. Even back before your husband found his brain

We hold things together and go to work, take care of the kids all the while knowing the pain that's still there.

Sometimes you have to just let it out.

He did the right thing, you did too...you didn't hide it. You acknowledged the pain and you walked through it.

Re-read where you have come from, I applaud your strength.

(((txbw68)))

Thanks for the words of encouragement Karma!

I guess I sometimes forget just how far we've come in the last year. Thanks for the reminder!!

Thanks for sharing, I actually had one myself yesterday just randomly. I was out work and jumped up and ran outside for fresh air. I called my H and he talked me through it.

I am so glad I am not alone, thanks!

I am so happy things are going well for you, wishing you the best!

Fun aren't they? OK not so much. So you have to rely on a little chemical help Big Deal.

At least that's the way I feel, and travel was a HUGE trigger for me, for a LONG time given he had his A out of town.

Go easy on yourself. It takes time to not feel that way, after he goes on another 100 business trips, you will be ok. He's knows that this is a trigger for you, and will do his best to help put you at ease, if you can tell him how to help. My H would text me when he landed, when he got to his Hotel, call me before dinner, and bed. Sometimes sends me pics of his meal. All of these things reassure me that he is thinking of me. Putting ME first. It helps me. I love him for it.

Thank you for the support!

tushnurse: With the exception of sending pictures of his meals, my H always called or texted before take-off, after landing, get to hotel, bedtime, multiple times throughout the work day, etc. That doesn't do a lot for me now because when he hooked up with OW#3, she was a friend who knew about me who happened to live in the city he was sent to for work. I remember the trip very well. He called me in between work and dinner to tell me that he was meeting her for dinner. Then he called me at bedtime to say goodnight. He just left out the whole "I just fucked OW3 after dinner in my hotel room" part. I even asked how dinner was. I just found out about the sex part in April on DDay 2.

None of his were random hook-ups. All women who were supposed to be friends. Fortunately, he doesn't have any female friends in Houston!

I'll just feel better when he's back... Thanks again!