SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So here I am.

Found out today my wife cheated on me. Apparently some guy she met in a restaurant on a business trip. been going on for a couple of months. guess it started because he was having problems in his marriage and shell wanted to help, how ironic. She was supposed to meet him next week. I caught her because I saw all the lingerary in her suitcase. She doesn't even wear it for me.

This is my second marriage. the first one ... wait for it... wait for it. Cheated on me.

Damn am I really that bad in bed....

Anyways, I know this is a common. Hell I spent a good year and half on a marriage forum last time.... but god it hurts.

I'm shaking right now, in shock, don't know what to do... I want to run, grab the kids and my things and never see her again. ... but the kids... I want to grab her and kiss and tell her we can work this out with therapy. But she f*cking cheated on me!

She says she loves me and wants to make it work.

I am ....... just confused and hurting.

ugh... Divorce, forums... I'm back

I feel so sorry for you, man, but you've found a place to unload and that's good.

The Healing Library has some good things to read, and the Betrayed Spouse FAQ found as a link at the top of The Healing Library should be required reading. Read about The 180 or google it, they say that that's what you should be doing.

Everyone will tell you to eat something, drink juice and water, and try to get some sleep. The kids need you to be stable right now because everything is probably going every which way pretty soon.

Good Luck!

Hi Mikeinaa,

Welcome to SI. I am so sorry that you find yourself here with the rest of us BSs (Betrayed Spouses), but you will find a lot of comfort, wisdom, & support here. I have not been on any other marriage support forums, but this one was a lifesaver for me.

I also was cheated on in both of my marriages.

In my first marriage , of 10 years, I came home sick from work

( I was working the 7 PM-7:30 AM shift to put him thru grad school)

in the middle of the night & found him in bed with the OW (Other Woman) , a fellow student.

That ended that marriage. Thank God there were no kids involved, & I moved a few states away, so I was able to start all over again.

In this 2nd marriage, we have 4 kids together, & he cheated with a coworker after 22 years of marriage. It was not an easy decision for me, but since I was making the decision for 5 people, I decided to try to reconcile.

I think that it is especially traumatic for us to go thru this nightmare, then make ourselves vulnerable again to a new person, & have it happen to us YET AGAIN. Of course we are going to say "What is wrong with me that both people I married cheated on me?"

I had people tell me that maybe I was picking the "cheating type" both times, but I disagree.

In fact, in my present marriage, I purposely sought out someone who I believed would NEVER do something like this. One of the main things which attracted me to my present WH was that he presented himself as the most moral man I would ever meet. I put up with a lot of things in the marriage which I was not happy about (like a manipulative, narcisistic, domineering mother in law who lived around the corner who was constantly interfering), because I thought "Well, at least he would NEVER cheat on me"----but guess what, he did!

So, I just want to tell you that all the things you are feeling are normal. Don't make any decisions for awhile. Just try to get thru every hour. If you cant eat, at least drink water & protein drinks. If you can't sleep, please go to the doctor & get a prescription for sleeping pills, or anti anxiety medication. If you are full of rage, go to the gym & work it off, pound a punching bag.

Is the POSOM (piece of $hit other man) married? If so, please tell his BW ( Betrayed wife)----she has a right to know.

You will not always feel this bad. I am almost 3 1/2 years after Dday (discovery day), & I can tell you that it does get better. You are going to be ok.

Sending you strength.

Thank you. I think I'll do some reading.

Im so hurt and mad right now but I can't do a thing. There is a kids party at my house right. I have to pretend. Im telling people I had a flu shot and am feeling the affects.

I just want to scream!

And ya he is married.

Has she written him a No Contact letter?

Telling the POSOM's wife is the best way to ensure that it is over.

Please know that all of us BSs here know exactly how you feel, we have been there.

Yes, read everything in the Healing library , in the yellow panel up to the left. Also, I will bump some bullseye threads up to the top of this forum----they are golden, really helpful.

OK, I just bumped 6 bullseye posts that I think you will find very helpful.

Keep reading & posting. We are here for you.

She met him in a restaurant? Like he was dining at one table and she at another, or they were having dinner together with a group? Does he live near you? Is he in your wife's line of business? Did she give any reason?

You found the lingerie today, and she just confessed? Did you check the cell phone records yet, the emails, facebook to see what was said? Also, she was going to meet him on a business trip I guess she was going on this coming week? Is she still going?

Has she given you this guy's name, address, phone, email?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 7:03 PM, November 1st (Saturday)]

so its new today for me. yesterday I had full trust in her.

I found the lingerie and got real suspicious. Her work email was on so I check it. Found the emails in deleted folder. I have his name.

He lives a long ways from here. We are in the midwest, he is in the south, she met him in an east coast city.

restaurant/bar idk...

yes she was planning on meeting him this week.

She is still going. The work trip was real, guess he was an extra.

I told her no contact. Send him a text only. Tonight I am going to make her give me her phone to see if that is what she did.

He also is connected to her on linked in. She doesn't know I know that. We will see if that goes away or not.

I think she should cancel the trip. Maybe she can get sick with the flu if her job won't understand. This isn't a time for her to be pushing limits. She can send the no contact text, then contact him later and say "he made me send it, see you later this week." There is no way to monitor her contacts with this guy. You can see if she's in constant contact with him, but you can't see the occasional one if she uses a burner phone, a cheater app, or a fake email or facebook account.

I have learned not to believe the first story the cheater tells. I can't remember one that turned out to be close to the entire truth.

At this point, I think it is the right play to lay low and not let her know you are spying on her.

What's your judgement on how remorseful she is? Personally, I would think she would have sent the no contact right in front of you, getting your approval for content, just about immediately after being caught, if she really wanted to save the marriage. Is she under the impression that you have decided to stay in the marriage despite this cheating of hers?

What were the emails like? I love you's, sex stuff, anything bad about you?

Agree with wk55hn. How will you know if she will see him or not, once she is out of your sight?

No trips right now.

Forgot to mention before, it is slow here on weekends, especially a holiday weekend like this, but more people should be around to help you sooner or later.

I agree. I won't know.

This sucks.

Tell her she is free to go, but not as your wife.

The emails were things like "sorry to stalk you", "your not, I like it". And "I found a note from you with a smiley face" and plane reservations.

Her words sound right and remorseful but I don't trust her. It wouldn't matter right now what she said.

Doesn't sound like a long affair or too deep, assuming these were recent emails. Like they are still feeling each other out about how each feels about the other. What's her reason/excuse for the affair?

One thing I have observed is that it seems relatively much easier to get over anything that happened BEFORE you confronted, much harder to get over anything that happens AFTER you confront. Anyone can take an easy out on a trip for the flu. Her marriage and your feelings at this point after being betrayed should matter at least that much to her. Did she know you were cheated on in your first marriage?

I agree with not trusting her words. Look at her actions. Will she cancel the trip? Will she send the no contact? Will she live up to what you've asked or what she's promised? She wounded your marriage, what will she do to heal it?

Agree that your wife needs to cancel this trip. If she is truly remorseful, she will put her marriage AND family above her job.

Right now her actions will speak louder than words. No business trips....for awhile.

Wishing you strength.....

I am so sorry. I just found out the my husband is having an affair. It is the worst pain in the world. My body is constantly shaking, I can't sleep, I can't eat, and yet I need to be strong enough to not only care for my two children, but to pretend that things are okay in front of them.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I am so sorry. I just found out the my husband is having an affair. It is the worst pain in the world. My body is constantly shaking, I can't sleep, I can't eat, and yet I need to be strong enough to not only care for my two children, but to pretend that things are okay in front of them.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

I so much agree with this!