SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Guess I'll just dive in. I'm an abusive fuck. Mental abuse to my BS. Emotional abuse to my BS. I was told once I'm an emotional vampire. I've yelled and screamed at BS. I have no right to do that, but I let my anger get out.(anger at me from her repeating my crimes) My BS gave me her soul and everything in it and I turned around and used it like ammo, hurting her. I'm the criminal here, yet she has been paying. An incredibly outlandish price! I have gone as far as to tell her to put the knowledge of my A in a box and let's move past it. I've blamed her for my toxic behavior when all she has done is love me and try to find a way to stay with me. I hate myself for the evil fuck I am and the horribly deplorable things I have said and done. I love this woman, yet I abuse because the sick twisted fuck inside me didn't get his way. Meaning, I didn't get my way. Own it, right? We have little spurts of good and calm loving times, mainly because she needs a break from her pitiful abuser. And, of course, that's more ammo for me. "But, we were doing good! Until you had a memory of my betrayal". No, I'm not in IC. I've bashed this site with my small pathetic mind. "It's like AA, just a bunch of whiny little bitches". I actually like reading zuzwang.(?) I came from fucked up people, but so did she. No excuses. It's been suggested I drive my big truck off a tall bridge and do the world a favor. Selfishness and blind eyes at that mirror have been predominant here. She needs me to help her heal, not tear her down. I'm getting back to reading "how to help your spouse heal..." and I think there are 3 others on my kindle. This lady is such a wonderful woman and I can't let her go. Selfish! Today, I'm pretty sure I used the last straw on the camels back. So, let me have it. Both barrels. Maybe a pepper box. I'm shit as a human. I know my BS deserves better. This is 19 months she has been trying while I want and take more. Fuck!

haven't read the rest of your story - but why not in IC? Find someone who will help you act/react differently if you can't bear the thought of dragging up and examining all old issues - doing nothing is not helping obviously.

You can find someone and frame it up how you want it to go - ie i want to work on ways to react/act better towards my BS, and that's it for the moment.

just a thought....

No stop sign? Guess you really need this.

You should know, I'm a bs.

Here goes.

Want to be a better person?

Want to help your poor bs?

Keep reading and posting.

I'm saying this for her.

If you are ready to own your sh#!, then keep posting and really listén.

I like reading zuzwang too. You know why? Cause he is on the other side. Tells it like it is. Not how you selfishly want it to be.

This is a step. A step only.

Want to be a better person? Listen to these people. They know. They nearly ruined their lives, like you are doing, but they came out the other side.

There is hope if you really want it.

I want it for your betrayed and abused spouse. She needs help too.

You need help.

You are an abuser.

Get help.

Tell your betrayed spouse to come here for help. We will help her.

Make that your first unselfish act.

I wish you the best.

I imagine you don't like my post. People like you do not like to face the truth. But something about your disgust with yourself made me want to post.

I'll likely be disappointed, but I hope you will get help. I hope you will prove me wrong.

People will smack you over the head with 2 by 4's here. You need that. Are you not tired of being what you know you are?

No stop sign. Yes I need this. My BS is the reason I'm here. She is on here. I'm a long haul trucker. It's hard to find video counseling. Driving local doesn't pay half of this pay. Poor excuse, yes. Been holding a steering wheel for 30 years, so I'm kinda stuck in this field. 2x4 are welcome and yes I'm tired of this idiot whom I know and despise. I'm listening!

My wayward spouse is in your field of work too.

Funny.

If you are truly ready then wait for it. The 2 by 4s will come. But it will be tempered by your willingness to learn.

Your post gives me hope for you.

Funny, I truly have that. Hope for you. An abuser.

We will see.

You need help.

I suggest you take this time to tell more of your story. Truth only. Tell the truth here on the wayward side. Not the truth as you know it, but the truth as it is

BS here. How would you like to live with a person like you?

Pigpen64,

Can you give us a bit of your background?

It will help us to help you. It will help you to get it out. Purge it. Start with a summary of your family issues then tell us as much as you can about your abusive years with your wife.

I went back to your first post and reread it many times. You stated that 'today, I think I used the last straw on the camel's back." What did you mean by that?

"It's like AA, just a bunch of whiny little bitches"

And your post is any different?

I was going to suggest you read "how to help your spouse.." which it's good that you are, but I feel like you will need a whole lot of help more than that book can offer. Perhaps, since the book is very short, you should read twice back to back for good measure.

I don't know how an abusive person turns himself around without the want to and a good IC. Your excuse for not being in IC yet is kinda lame. When I am unable to make it to an appointment in person, there is an option of a phone session. I would advise that on your very next day off, that you have an appointment already set up, with an IC that will offer the same phone sessions. And get that ball rolling.

Maybe you should focus your reading to subjects that talk about abuse. tons of podcasts out there too that talk about his subject.

Do you think you are capable of owning all your shit? Humbling yourself? Do you have any faith yourself that you can do the right thing?

If indeed you have driven your BW to the breaking point, let her go, don't fight it. Make the D process as easy and favorable to her as you can. Its the very least you can do.

I feel for your wife, what a saint to put up with this for 19 long months, while she is hurting far more than you will ever know.

If you change nothing, nothing will change. What you've been doing your whole life isn't working for you. Maybe you should read here more. Maybe you should read more books. Maybe you should journal or do IC. Or just bash all of it and be the same person you've been thus far.

Thank you for the words and wisdom. Talking today with my BS, she is pretty much done with me. I'm a walking, talking paycheck. She pleaded with me to stop the bullshit and pain before I took it to the point of no return. The other day when I changed the length of the A, again, was the last straw. Telling of my plan to start and stay with my books and SI seems like an old song, much played, she's heard before and before. I'm a long haul trucker, almost 30 years now, and am out usually a month at a time. That is also a huge problem as we both agreed, many years ago, a job like this and marriage can only work when trust is there. Guess what else I destroyed. FaceTime on phones let's us see each other, but that's only a small amount of time. She lived in the truck with me, to keep an eye on me. It's a hard life out there and my BS deserves her pretty. So, when I leave on Tuesday, I go by myself. I can promise the world and everything in it, but by my assholeness, these are empty words. I have shit all over this wonderful woman and the 4 beautiful (step)daughters she gave me.

What I wanted was that life I threw away. You know that fairytale life the man and woman have? Rainbows and unicorns and happy and unconditional love? That was what I threw away. It's no longer a part of the reality I've created, nor is it accessible again.

I'll immerse myself in my books, maybe some crocheting and keep on reading and posting here. Please keep your wisdom coming. Thanks...

You seem to post something new every couple of months. It sounds like the same thing...What are you changing?

I am his BS

It's been suggested that I post here. I am actually the one that found SI.

I have been begging him to do all the things y'all have suggested. He promises to do it, then doesnt. That's why the 1 post every couple of months.

Normally, I wouldn't comment on his post. But, I'm desperate. I have never been in so much pain in my life. Maybe he will tell the truth here. I'm not holding my breath. Especially since every part of his story changes every time.

I hope, for his sake, y'all can get thru to him. Because honestly, I give up. I'm stuck here because I'm on disability. I don't have much hope of any kind of real marriage because of all the damage he's done to me.

Guess I'll just dive in. I'm an abusive fuck.

No, your just a mentally twisted entitled fuck. But who’s mincing words here. Saying and owning it are two different things.

Mental abuse to my BS. Emotional abuse to my BS. I was told once I'm an emotional vampire. I've yelled and screamed at BS. I have no right to do that, but I let my anger get out.(anger at me from her repeating my crimes) My BS gave me her soul and everything in it and I turned around and used it like ammo, hurting her. I'm the criminal here, yet she has been paying.

Its called DARVO - Deflect Argue Reverse the Victim with the Offender. You are blaming her for your actions.

An incredibly outlandish price! I have gone as far as to tell her to put the knowledge of my A in a box and let's move past it. I’ve blamed her for my toxic behavior when all she has done is love me and try to find a way to stay with me. I hate myself for the evil fuck I am and the horribly deplorable things I have said and done. I love this woman, yet I abuse because the sick twisted fuck inside me didn't get his way. Meaning, I didn't get my way. Own it, right?

Pigpin, nothing is going to change unless you change it. You are the one here that holds all the cards, your wife has basically three options here:

A) Put up with it

B) Leave you and divorce

C) Put a bullet in your head (this is only slightly sarcastic)

We have little spurts of good and calm loving times, mainly because she needs a break from her pitiful abuser. And, of course, that's more ammo for me. "But, we were doing good! Until you had a memory of my betrayal".

Pig, mind if I call you that? Fuck it I don’t care… Pig,

Your wife is most likely suffering from PISD (Post Infidelity Stress Disorder) which is akin to PSTD that many of our brave men and women in WWI, WWII, Korea, Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, have. She gets to relive your betray in her mind day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

This is not a voluntary thing, this is because her very inner being has been traumatized by what you have done. You have set off an emotional and physical nuke inside her and then turn around and blame her for the destruction.

No, I'm not in IC. I've bashed this site with my small pathetic mind. "It's like AA, just a bunch of whiny little bitches". I actually like reading zuzwang.(?) I came from fucked up people, but so did she.

Thank God I’ve never met you at an AA meeting. My groups call out the whiney bitches. Its the whiney one’s who usually leave the program because they can’t pull their head out of their asses and own the fact they are there because of what they have done.

Your rancor at this site is the same thing. You are a whiney little wayward bitch because you don’t want to change. You want this to go away magically and guess what? It fucking doesn’t just go away.

YOU ARE THE ONE WHO FUCKING DID THIS TO YOUR WIFE. read this over and over.

You can’t blame your wife

You can’t blame your family of origin

You can’t blame the OW

You can’t blame the fact that you just “Love the women”

Or any other thing that you try to hang this on, to absolve your sorry ass for the consequences that you brought on by your own decisions and actions.

You know what the fucking book is called “How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair”? Its because in order for her to heal, you have work on yourself and become a safe partner. You can’t do that until you change.

This thing isn’t done just by changing your actions. That doesn’t work because the mental and psychological basis for the changes have to be there or its just doing the actions so you don’t have the consequences for them. What this does is lead to resentment for the changes, because you are doing them for the wrong reasons.

No excuses. It's been suggested I drive my big truck off a tall bridge and do the world a favor. Selfishness and blind eyes at that mirror have been predominant here. She needs me to help her heal, not tear her down. I'm getting back to reading "how to help your spouse heal..." and I think there are 3 others on my kindle.

Ok, no excuses -

Find an IC who will work with you over Skype. Make it a priority. You can’t just do this for your wife or the fact that she is leaving you. You have to do this because you want to make the changes.

My sobriety is #1 in my life. Today I am sober from alcohol, chemicals, lust, masturbation, porn, and a host of other things, and its because I am sober that my mind is clear and I can do the right things.

This lady is such a wonderful woman and I can't let her go. Selfish!

Pig, In order to save the marriage you must be willing to lose it. This means you do the work with no guarantees that she will stay with you. This means that you change all your attitude ands actions because you want to be a healthy man. You then realize that nothing you do will make her stay and you become ok with that and continue to work on yourself.

This comes from owning the fact that it is 100% on you.

Today, I'm pretty sure I used the last straw on  the camels back. So, let me have it. Both barrels. Maybe a pepper box. I'm shit as a human. I know my BS deserves better. This is 19 months she has been trying while I want and take more. Fuck!  

So, what are you going to do about it? Seriously, you ware wallowing in how shitty you are, and that isn’t going to help a damn thing.

One of the biggest tools that waywards use is what I call the shame show. They cry, they berate themselves, they meltdown at what they have done and thats it. Its a show. It makes the wayward the star, and the plus is they have cried, melted down, showed what a shitty person they are and then they go on, don’t work on themselves because its easier to breakdown, cry, show your shame, and make yourself the center of attention than it is to actually change yourself as a person.

So quit this “I am such a shit person” bullshit. Yes you are, we agree with you. You are one mentally and emotionally fucked up individual. Who happens to be posting on a forum of mentally and emotionally fucked up people.

So drop the “You are such a special snowflake” attitude. You are not a more shittier person than the rest of us here.

If you what this bad enough then you will be willing to do what it takes. Your actions and attitudes will prove to your wife if you are safe. This is all on you, no one can do it for you.

[This message edited by sorrowfulmate at 9:44 AM, March 16th, 2017 (Thursday)]

Dude,

Seriously, how many times are you going to say the exact same thing? You even make YOUR abuse about you.

As far as mobile counseling, there's a phone app called doctor on demand that you can use to access a therapist as frequently as you need it. It's forty bucks a pop. Pretty sure you could have found that had you looked.

You can make excuses OR you can change, but you can't do both.

I have spent a lifetime saying you live what you know unitl you choose to learn otherwise. I am the posterchild for how not to raise a child. I've worked my ass off making serious life changes to be the kind of person I believed I could be. Recently, I've come to realize that is wrong. Some people are either born a certain way or molded into personality disorders that make them unable to change. Those people can not change. I say this after a lifetime of cheering for the underdog. There is in fact a certain percentage of people who for whatever reason will not change. Is this you? I have no idea. I would seriously recommend you get evaluated by a psychiatrist for personality disorders.

If you love your wife the way you say you do then perhaps the best course is to leave her and offer her a divorce settlement that allows her to have a decent life. Sometimes you really can't make up for the things you have chosen to inflict over the years and that is the best solution.

BS here. You've been given excellent advice here. My WS is also an OTR driver. He has had 2 different IC's that call him once a week-so yes it can be done. Sure, he has to pull over for an hour but it can be worked out. He's been able to work it around loading and unloading so I'm sure you can too. You just have to want it to work. Not sure that you do. I so feel for your BS. Even with IC it took my WS almost a year until I felt that he was remorseful and not just regretful. Douglas Weiss has a DVD- Helping Her Heal. That DVD helped my WS tremendously. Worthy of Her Trust is a book you should read too along with Helping Your Spouse Heal. If you can't do the work then you need to let her go.

I've cried and melted down and made such a show of being on track for a new and improved ?? . Don't reckon my foo had much to do with it since I left at 17. The rest has been on me. After all the shit, I chose to not be hurt anymore. Hence the incredible bastard before you now.

Was just on the phone with my BS. After much questioning from her I threw my headset cause I couldn't handle hearing the horrible things I'd done. Fuckin coward.

The story? I had an 8 month sexting affair with my 1st cousin. If that wasn't bad enough, after I ended that sick thing, put it in a box and wouldn't admit what I'd done. Instead, moved into denial and called her "just a cousin" again. I stayed in limited( but there nonetheless) touch with her. I told her I love her as my cousin.(left that out, hey?) Last contact was in 2015 because of a picture of my drunk and incarcerated(it runs in the family) brother, ending that post with I love you also. When d day happened, 08/15 I said I had the affair cause I love her. I reasoned that as a legitimate excuse for the sickness of an incestuous affair. Ya, I'm the butt of all my jokes too. Talk about traumatizing someone. To my BS, I was the love of her life. 7 years after I ended that sexting affair, I hid the miserable lie from her, never letting her have the decision of how to proceed with her own life. In fact, told her i love the cousin for 8 (?) months after. Of course, now i scream that was a pathetic lie to excuse myself for the affair. Told myself I'm an awesome husband with an impeccable work ethic and providing roof and funds for my family. She believed that until d day. Now, 03/17 and we still fight because of the lies I started telling her to continue to protect her. It was 2 weeks. No, it was 2 months. No it was 2 years. No that's not right. It was only 8 months. Make it worse so it don't sound so bad when it's told for real. I'd yell at her different time lines and blame her for my lie because she wanted to believe the worst about me. Then, I killed what ever love my BS had for me by banging my head against my dresser telling of course I would continue to say i love you to my cousin. She's my cousin. My BS was rolling on the floor begging me to stop. Please stop.

I think you're going to need a bigger stick! She begs me to divorce her now and I tell her that I never want to be without her. She wants out and I won't let go.

I may have left some out, but that is the incredibly insane story and trauma my BS lives with. I say I'm doing things to change, but when she plays nice, I stop working and we end up fighting. With me mentally and emotionally abusing her cause I didn't get my way.

I've cried and melted down and made such a show of being on track for a new and improved ??

No, crying and melting down are self serving.

It isn't a show that she needs its concrete actions.

Your last post is still about you. The advice you will get will be the same that you have gotten on all your threads in the past:

IC - not just a one time session, but going over and over and over

Read the books that have been recommended.

See a psychologist figure out if there is something chemical that is going on that can be helped with medication.

Finally quit talking about what a fuck you are and start doing the work that has to be done to be a safe partner. There is no way around this shit show. You simply have to plow right through it.

I hate it when my fwh cries. He cries to get me to stop. He uses it like a weapon and gets to call me cruel if I'm not buying it. He never used to cry before the A. After the A it was a fucking meltdown.

You cry because you need to escape the reality and it's too much. It's too much because you're too weak to make it better. You don't want to face it 'like a man'. You don't want to accept responsibility. You can own it with WORDS. You can own it when you write it down. BUT YOUR ACTIONS!!! The cliche is a cliche because it has merit.

My fwh read How to help heal twice. The first time he read it it took over a month, which drove me crazy because it took me a fucking hour. It's not even 100 pages long for christ's sake. But he highlighted it and added notes and it helped me see how he was really READING it. Not just flipping pages. And it helped us. We're a long way away from full healing but my life is improving slowly.

It helps that he vomited the truth after being pushed for it on day 1. I haven't had TT, thank god. All new issues are new issues. Why make an old issue a new issue. Just fucking spill it all out.

And your cousin?! If any reason matters get to an IC to figure out that shit. I have some very good looking cousins but the idea of being with them intimately literally grosses me out. You need to get thee to some REAL help. There's call-in therapy you can get. Just work out your issues!

we still fight because of the lies I started telling her to continue to protect her.

No, you still fight because of the lies you started telling her to protect YOU.

Lying is YOU being self-serving. Lying benefits YOU. It does not benefit her.

You want to get out of the lying rathole? Make a commitment to come clean and stay clean. There's no easy way, no abra-cadabra or bippity-boppity-boo. It's not easy. If you can't do it, then do the generous and kind thing and let this woman go.

She begs me to divorce her now and I tell her that I never want to be without her. She wants out and I won't let go.

Again, it's you looking out for YOU. Divorce doesn't suit YOU. But marriage to YOU isn't suiting her and hasn't for a long time. Keeping someone trapped in a relationship that no longer is good for them is abuse.

Do you have any empathy? Do you get in touch with the part of yourself that thinks and tries to feel what other people feel? Or are you an excellent mimic and just phone in the "emotion." You know, the solemn face at a funeral, the fake happiness/pat works when a friend has a new baby, the appropriate expression when someone tells you something intimate and personal. Or do you really, truly feel? If you do, can you describe how you think she feels without bringing YOU into it?

Seriously, this would be a good exercise.

When I lie, my BS feels:

When I lash out in anger, my BS feels:

When my BS finds out about my "extracurricular" activities, she feels:

How much of a wall have you put up that keeps you away from legitimate feelings of guilt, shame, and embarrassment? How hard have you worked to make sure those feelings don't intrude on the life you want to lead? How many lies have you told yourself to make your BS's reaction "wrong" and your actions "right?"

The above is all the varnish and filler you've put between a genuine relationship and the sham you're living. Tearing it down is enormously difficult. You have to be a big person, able to navigate the tough road, to hold your partner up in the tough patches.

Frankly, I don't see it.

Instead, you come to a great place of healing and it's all about YOU! How awful YOU are. Because it's all about YOU!

So what do you want from us? Do you want us to tell you that there are people who have done worse? That we have one WS that did all the circus clowns and the monkey, too? How does that help YOU with YOUR healing? It doesn't. It is only ego kibbles to make you feel better about yourself. I think the time for that is past, and you need to go on an ego-kibbles free diet if you want to heal your marriage.

If you want your marriage, you have to abide by the First Law of Holes: When you're in one, stop digging. That means stopping all of the behavior. All of the secrecy. All of the locking your BS out of your life and heart. Every. Last. Bit. All of the lying. Everything.

That's going to be tough. You have a long history of lies, minimizing and bullying your BS into buying what you're selling. Unraveling that and developing new habits of truthfulness, openness and discussion vs. bullying is not going to be easy.

Then the REALLY tough work begins. You have to start stripping away at all that varnish and filler and dirt and grime that you've put around yourself for years. It's incredibly difficult. You won't be comfortable. You'll want to stop. A lot. You will want to blame your BS because YOU aren't comfortable or in control anymore.

Do that and she's going to file papers so fast they'll be on fire when you receive them. As she should.

You know, you owe it to her to do one simple thing: be downright honest with yourself. And with her. If you can't stomach what it takes to reconcile, let her go and be generous and non-combative about it. Let her go. Let her find someone who cherishes her for HER. Who doesn't play games and make it all about themselves.

She deserves that.

Cat

When I lie, my BS feels betrayed and crushed. Security is questioned,

When I lash out in anger, my BS feels violated by the ferocity and lack of reason for this reaction

When my BS finds out about my extracurricular activities she feels utter devastation from the knowledge that everything she believed real has been shattered.

Thank you for this exercise. Learning is most important!

sorrowfulmate...

BS here.

Thank you for that post. Thank you for your heart. And thank you for your contributions.

I say this to you not to thread jack the original poster - but to let him see what true honesty can do for a betrayed spouse.

My prayer is that one day MY WS - hell, ALL WSs can 'get it' the way your post shows that you 'get it'.