SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am very new to all of this so I apologize in advance.

Short back story- I had an affair that lasted a little over a year, I broke it off and then it started again and lasted a few more months before my husband found out. He found emails and photos on my laptop. I was never good at hiding things, he just was never looking for anything like this because it is so out of my character. It has been a little over 4 months since D Day. So know it hasn't been long.

I absolutely feel awful for what I did and I have never given any excuse for why I did it. We have done mc and I am starting ic. The affair was with a man I knew before I started dating my husband and he messaged me via facebook 3 days after my 7 year marriage anniversary when my husband and I were going through a really hard time after years of IVF and fertility therapy and the birth of our first son. We had stopped talking to each other and he had shut down and I had pulled away. This left a crack that OM took full advantage of. OM is married as well. After my husband found out I helped him contact his wife and they have kept in contact. I am fine with it because I am never going down that road again. I know I am never going to cheat again. I would leave my husband before I would ever do that to him again and I never want to leave. I love him and I want a life with him.

He has made it clear that he wants R and we are working on that. I have been doing everything I can to help my husband through this, this mess I caused. I have followed every request, std tests, no contact letters, complete openness to my phone and computer, gps tracking on my phone, mc, ic. All done without hesitation as it is the least I can do. I would do more if I knew what it was. I still feel like I am failing. We went on a 3 week cross country trip with our 2 kids and had a blast! It was great, like nothing was wrong. As soon as we get back, OM's wife emails him to let him know that OM will be working in the area. I really could care less and we both have been reading that "More Than Just Friends" book. So that seems to have set him back as well.

I am trying to do everything I can to save this marriage and be who he needs me to be. I talk to him about the affair. I am honest. OM was a different man than him and he had pieces that my husband doesn't have and fufill needs that I don't honestly believe my husband could fufill, but I believe no two people are perfect for each other. OM was far from perfect for me. His bad qualities outweigh the few things that attracted me to him. So I have trouble dealing with being a better wife and person for my husband and fixing this epic mess I made and missing those things I got from OM.

This is a whole lot of issues trying to stuff in one introduction. A reason I am starting IC. I just have over a week til my appointment and need to get this out. ugh...

This takes a long time. We are 9 months out and sometimes I have a complete reenactment of dday and the fallout in my head. Last weekend was a real struggle for me, and therefore for WH as well. He feels like a failure on those days. The thing is, you can't fix this. You just can't. You can be there for comfort, or give him space, or let him rage at you, but you can't unfuck the other guy and can't make this right. You can only try to go forward. There's no gluing the vase back together, so to speak. Your job is to help build his confidence back that you obliterated, and continue to be a safe partner for him. He will be sitting back and watching what you do. Stay the course, and never give him reason for suspicion again.

BTW, Not Just Friends, while and excellent book, was a HUGE trigger for me because it mirrored the A for us, and many other people I'm sure. We had to stop reading it in the beginning. I didn't finish it till last weekend. I did find the later chapters on healing very good. Best wishes to you both.

Welcome, thank you for sharing.

Sounds like you are taking the steps in the right direction. It's best to follow the lead of what YOUR BS needs, what they share they need. Humans vary wildly from one to the next so there is no cookie cutter path to success.

There is a healing library here, upper left hand corner, yellow box. Lots of good stuff there for you and your BS.

I encourage you to identify what those needs were that helped you to have your affair. Once you do that you can explore healing that part of yourself so that it does not repeat itself.

It's hard work, but you seem committed so I suspect you will be successful in the long run.

Thank you for the encouraging words. I am hoping to figure out a way to deal with my needs in IC as soon as it starts. Most of it is dealing with opening up and talking. Very classic, but BH and I struggle with this because he gets defensive when I get emotional, even when it isn't something that is his fault. So I just hide my emotions. There are some sexual aspects as well that I am trying to figure out how to deal with as well.

After thought....

As a new WS in recovery, the most paramount thing you can do is offer 1000% honesty at all times. Even when it's painful, humiliating, or casts you in a bad light.

A BS who offers the gift of reconciliation deserves nothing less and while it SEEMS cruel, it's like the debrading process for burn patients. It's so important to get all the dead and infected parts of you and your marriage out in the open (ie sunlight and air) to really really heal.

IMO, (Others may vary) there's no point in staying together when the results are a gaping infected wound. It just makes no sense.

As painful as it may be for you, it's more painful for your BS (important to remember) and that's how we grow, by really taking a hard look at who we ARE now and what we've done as a result. Never fun, but always worthwhile.

Have you written a timeline of your A for your husband?

Then offer to take a polygraph on the timeline.

100% honesty is important to trying to rebuild a new marriage. the old marriage is dead.

If he finds out something new, it sets your H back to day one. So avoid the TT.

Good luck to you and your family.

Do be kind when you tell him the things that the OM filled that he did not.

Your H's self esteem was flushed down the toilet by your A.

One thing that helps to realize his pain is to imagine that he had an affair just like you did.

How would you feel? Would you get back together with him after his A?

I am being honest with him. Letting him know things I know would hurt him. I have no problem making me look bad, I accept what I have done was awful. We talk about whatever he needs to talk about. When something comes up for me. I bring it up. Lately it has taken a hit to our sex life and that has been difficult to deal with. We talk about it, but he gets hurt and shuts down. I can't imagine it is easy for him at all and I am not sure how to work through it.

Have you written a timeline of your A for your husband?

Then offer to take a polygraph on the timeline.

100% honesty is important to trying to rebuild a new marriage. the old marriage is dead.

If he finds out something new, it sets your H back to day one. So avoid the TT.

Good luck to you and your family.

Do be kind when you tell him the things that the OM filled that he did not.

Your H's self esteem was flushed down the toilet by your A.

One thing that helps to realize his pain is to imagine that he had an affair just like you did.

How would you feel? Would you get back together with him after his A?

Yes, he has a solid written timeline, he didn't want a poly but it was all verified by OBS.

He knows every detail of the A. He has asked every question multiple times. My why has been pretty consistent, though the more we dive into my issues, I see that I am much more hidden than I even thought.

My pain comes from the idea that while H is an amazing man and the best husband and father I could ever imagine. How do I define and deal with these missing pieces?

I don't know the nature of these missing pieces you are referring to but it might be a little while before you can address this with your husband. Right now I suspect that anything you ask him to do or change would be seen by him as you asking him to be more like your AP which will really be a bad way to go. Eventually I think you should be able to express what you need in this relationship and see if your husband can give that. Did you give him a chance to change? I daresay there are things he'd like to see different from you and probably needs he has that aren't being met as well. Obviously you should have had this conversation before finding someone else to fill those needs and since you didn't this is going to be harder. Good luck.

OM was a different man than him and he had pieces that my husband doesn't have and fufill needs that I don't honestly believe my husband could fufill, but I believe no two people are perfect for each other.

Why do you believe your husband can not fulfill those needs?

This information is really going to hurt him - it's as if you're saying your BH is not the man your OM was... like BH doesn't measure up. It's fairly common for BS to feel they are in competition with the OP, and knowing that he's always going to fall short will really twist him up inside.

What missing pieces that OM had that your BH doesn't have are you referring to?

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 3:17 PM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

Yes...talking about this stuff really does hurt him and I do NOT want to really compare OM to H. H is a better man by far, for many reasons.

There are two basic needs that we have identified in detail was:

1. Giving me an open and safe place to be emotional. H is not an emotional person and when I am hurt or upset, I get really insecure and have what is called my "a$#hole voice". (a name given by OM) When I try to talk about my issues with H, he either is distracted, doesn't understand, or gets defensive and upset at me. He isn't great at wording things (especially emotional things) well and tends to upset me more or make me feel worse. It isn't intentional at all and we have had this issue since day one of our 15 years together. OM was always someone I could talk to, even when I didn't want to talk. I don't want H to be OM, but I would love to have him be the person that makes me feel better. Without OM in my life, I have to figure out how to work with H to be that for me, or just go back to not having it anymore and that thought makes me sad.

2. Physically, our sex life is good, but H had only one physical partner in his life besides me and despite many a "lesson" doesn't have the skills I enjoyed with OM. Well before I met H OM and I dated and even back then he was the best I had ever had, that never changed. It was a combination of physical and emotional that I try and get with H, but can't find the right thing. Again, I don't want H to be OM or do what OM did...I just kinda want a good O again....(god I feel awful)

ouch.

Number 2 will destroy him. I don't know what to say.

No ma'am.

YOU need to be the person that makes you feel better. Not the om. Not your husband. YOU are responsible for that. It's part of the work you need to do on yourself.

And,yes. Number two will destroy him. Wow.

Number 2 will destroy him. I don't know what to say.

I know....I feel awful even missing it...it sucks.

I hate feeling this way and I spend more time dealing with his issues because in reality they are 10 times more important than my issues. H has been amazing through this whole thing. He is madly in love with me and does so much for me. I ask what else I can do for him and trying to get him to talk to me about his needs and what I can do...but again...he thinks I am f&$*ing perfect...which makes me feel even worse.

Have you told him that OM was better sexually?

Sometimes without reality, bills, kids, housework, it is easy to be free in fantasy land.

Your H can not get an even shake with the fantasy.

You do need to be truthful, but If I found this out, I would be done.

Hope you do let him know that when you dream, you dream of the OM for sex.

His self-esteem is already flushed down the toilet.

This will really do a number. If you can't replace the OM with your H, maybe let him find someone that will feel this way about him.

Hope you bring this up in IC or MC.

And if your H had an affair, his A sex would probably be hotter than sex with you.

How would you feel if he had an A and the sex with the OW, he liked much better than with you?

Good luck to you and your family.

If he's madly in love with you he will work on the emotional support part.

2. there are toys for that.

If he's madly in love with you he will work on the emotional support part.

2. there are toys for that.

1. It is something he has been working on. It is a natural deficit of his, and I feel bad asking him to change such a deep seeded part of him, especially with all of his other great qualities....he just doesn't handle emotions well...his or others..

2....hehe..true...

Muttmatch

nightmare01

ouch.

Number 2 will destroy him. I don't know what to say.

HellFire

No ma'am.

YOU need to be the person that makes you feel better. Not the om. Not your husband. YOU are responsible for that. It's part of the work you need to do on yourself.

And,yes. Number two will destroy him. Wow.

I echo the above - Sex matters a LOT to us boys - it's what we are on the animal level - but now that we have some mental capacity tied to our animal - the mind movies will take over upon hearing such.

Both emotional conversing and the sexual satisfaction can be fixed - if both of you are willing. Keyword - willing.

Right now your boat has a huge hole in it (effing another man) and your marriage may sink. I think you need to stop and work on making yourself safe. Right now you husband is in the worst pain a man can have other than a child dying.

Look in the healing library and get going on reading, studying, and working on changing/developing what boundaries you should have had that would have not allowed this betrayal to occur.

One good thing (I don't mean to offend anyone's sensibilities) is you have two children. I would hazard a guess that is the most likely reason your husband is still with you.

Keep telling the truth and do it as often as he asks. If you remember something be sure to add the new information or he will trigger in the future when the information is finally learned.

I would consider telling closest friends and family if you can and before people find out via another message path.

I wish you well and tell your husband you think it would be an excellent idea for him to find someone to talk with about this permanent life-altering activity.

FWIW, you have a memory that will be part of you and your husband minds forever. It can be overcome so never quit trying to save your family.

Don't give up!

Interesting. Its strange, I couldn't give my XW an O for the life of me, not with sex anyways. She was much more experienced than I was. She named that as one of the reasons she cheated on me. I was seriously considering giving up on women and becoming an ascetic monk I was so destroyed. I've never had that problem with my GF though. Sunday, we had sex twice and she had 7 O's! Granted, she hasn't had much experience, but I have to admit when I hear that my ego grows a little. I'm starting to think some people are just sexually incompatable or maybe women get spoiled by some extraordinary sex early on and can't get it back.

But, agree that #2 will destroy him.