SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm a FWH, happily reconciled with my wife of 8 years. D-day was in March of last year and I've been in IC ever since and my wife and I have been in MC. My affair was mostly emotional with physical contact on two different occasions. Not that it really matters, but we never had sex of any type. We were friends who started talking to each other when our marriages were going through bad times. Before we knew it we were talking and texting everyday and it got way out of hand. Not going to make any excuses for it, because there really is no excuse except selfishness.

But the reason for my post today is that I see so many threads where the AP is portrayed as the ultimate POS. I understand that emotions run very high for BSs, but I see the same comments from WSs too. I guess I wonder if we all realize that all of us here either love an AP or we are an AP ourselves. Seems like so many on this site just want to pass the blame to the third party - even the WS. My AP is not a bad person, she is like me...someone who did a bad thing. We both felt much remorse and came clean with our spouses. I have no wish to beat her up or blame her or make her out to be the bad guy. So why is it that so many people resort to that on these forums. I really do get why a BS might do that but why the WS? You hate someone and bash someone for doing the exact same thing that you did. I just don't get it.

Things also seem very black and white here. Again, from a BS perspective, I can understand that more than from the WS perspective. I've seen people here trying to get help only to have Waywards bash them until they probably leave. I alomst left this site after a similar experience where a Wayward bashed me for missing my AP. I guess I see a HUGE lack of support for the Waywards. Maybe I have read the wrong threads or something but shouldn't we support those who are going through what we did? And shouldn't we do it in a kind manner? Just some thoughts. I still like to come here to gain perspective on what I did and to see how others are doing and if I can help. I just see so much negativity focused on the AP and WS. And I know if you are a BS, you may want anything else besides compassion for a Wayward but if we other Waywards can help them, then isn't that a better outcome than scaring them off?

[This message edited by Rocket80 at 2:25 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

I think the exact same thing about my husband as I do about his AP. His AP has never apologized to me. Being the deep Christian she is....apologizing is part of repenting.

My husband was very selfish man before his affair. His affair was his own shelfishness mirrored reflection.

For me, I heard a VAR tape between the two of them. I heard what she said about her husband. I know what she said to my husband. I know what my husband said and did.

I think anyone who has an affair is scum of the earth. It’s cowardly, rejection, betrayal, selfish, disgusting, self-serving, ego-building for WS and deflating for BS. It leaves a stain for generations. Which is why children who come from adultery homes have a 86% chance of cheating when they marry.

I am giving my husband a chance. I know my value and my worth far outweigh him. He is more than welcome to catch up to me if he can.

Waywards deserve zero sympathy period. They are selfish, emotionally immature and destroy multiple families.

Infidelity should be a criminal offense and all adulterers should have to pay huge financial penalties and lose the rights to their kids. You have no idea the mental anguish, emotional abuse, sexual abuse and so on that they've put the betrayed spouse through. It's an intentional act of destruction of the marriage and the very foundation of the fabric of civilization.

Waywards need to go to rehab just like any other drug addict and maybe after that they can be reformed with years of psychotherapy and medication for their mental disorders.

I think you probably should have posted this in the Wayward forum. If I understand correctly, you want to know why Waywards bash their own AP. I would ask it there. General is predominately for BS's, and you already know that they have a right to be angry. Mod, do you want to move this?

Case in point. So why even have a waywards forum on here? And why even suggest MC, IC, etc. Infidelity a criminal offense? You'd do better to allow WS to get the help they need on these forums rather than scaring them off. Not all affairs are equal and not all Waywards are equal. I don't think I'm a POS and neither does my wife. Again, just proving my point about this site. It seems like a place for BS to just bash the hell out of Waywards.

Thanks hiking out, maybe I did post in the wrong place. I thought General was just that...general. I didn't realize I was breaking the rules. How do I move it?

The mods will move it. Go to the waywards forum and I will give you my two cents. ;-) You are going to only hear from betrayeds on this thread.

You still miss your AP. I don’t think there needs to be any other comments.

Your posts come off as needing kindness because you are so wounded as a human being.

If this works for you and your wife so be it.

This would never work for me. You posted in March 2018 you miss your AP.

Do you believe you and your AP are good people who just made a mistake?

" It seems like a place for BS to just bash the hell out of Waywards."

well. generally, we're pretty pissed.

I don't see many passing the blame on the AP, most all reserve if for their own WS. It is possible to carry anger around for more than one person.

"happily reconciled with my wife" and "D-day was in March of last year"

so, you're happily reconciled in a year. do you think your wife agrees with this?

"a Wayward bashed me for missing my AP."

what would you have liked to hear? it seems plain as day to us. you're missing someone who helped crucify your BS.

"And I know if you are a BS, you may want anything else besides compassion for a Wayward but if we other Waywards can help them, then isn't that a better outcome than scaring them off?"

then those WS should use the stop sign in the wayward forum.

"You posted in March 2018 you miss your AP.

omg. and that would be a dealbreaker for me. really? a year later? and you're happily reconciled but missing your AP?

[This message edited by sewardak at 2:49 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Oh yes, I think we (or at least I) do accept this. The same flaws led my WH to this point, as the AP. She was my 'friend' and so I know a fair bit about her, and I can't tell you how similar they are.

So yes, I 'get' your point of view. But my view is that:

-During the affair they were both pieces of shit

- Afterwards, I initially cut them both off.

- I then let him back in, on strict conditions, and with a watching brief that if he steps out if line again, it's over.

- So he has a chance to redeem himself. He needs to be making the most of it. I have reasons (practical, financial and emotional) for giving him that chance

- On the other hand, my 'friend' doesn't get another chance with me, I simply don't need friends like that. So she can NEVER redeem herself in my eyes, and she will forever stay a POS.

Meanwhile, I more than understand that to the OBS, my WH will always be enemy number 1. My WH has a hard time accepting that, I think, but I totally get it.

So for me, they both hurt me, but I will cut one off and forever vilify them, because the risk/reward to me doesn't make it worth doing anything else. The other gets a chance. One chance.

There is so much to learn in the 2-5 years or more, to recover...does your BS agree with your outlook? Its only been a year for you two...I would say, your only just beginning.

This is a great place to learn...It would be interesting to see your ideas in 5 years....Keep reading...keep posting....there is a wealth of information here. For WS and BS...

In my personal experience, the AP knew H was married, had children...she participated anyway, equally...she helped in the destruction...same as WS....I'm not interested how they feel about each other now. Their opinions of each other.....it was wrong. It was wrong for our marriage...it was wrong to me and my children. that's why marriages struggle after cheating...you feel this way about both of them. Bad choices still affect people. No matter who you are.

This seems to have been no big deal....what are the chances of a repeat? I'm sure your BS wonders. Foggy?

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 3:03 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

Whoa...I did not post that I miss my AP.I responded to a post about someone else who did. And I may have said that I sometimes still miss her but only as a friendship that was lost. That's just honesty.

My posts come off as needing kindness? Actually I came here looking for compassion as many people do.

What I see is bashing and name calling.

And yes, since you asked, compassion does work for my wife and me. We went through rough times but in the end it is the compassion that helped us the most. I'm sorry you seem to lack that trait.

Compassion for a cheater? Why? Where was your compassion for your wife when you were stabbing her in the back on purpose?

Where was your compassion when you and your AP were actively plotting and deceiving your wife?

You should just be lucky that your wife is still with you. I promise you she is not over it and she still doesn't trust you. You don't even seem like you've changed at all. The fact that you still have any type of feelings for your AP tells me that you're not all-in with your wife even now. You're just as selfish now as you were then.

I have zero compassion for people who sit down at dinner, a little boy FaceTiming his father over 20 times to discuss a baseball game. An AP witnessing this. Her husband at home watching her children. Me at my home running three kids around so my husband can work. Sitting at dinner. Somehow kissing after they discuss childhood connections. Then going up an elevator. Pulling the key out of his wallet. Going into a hotel room. Unzipping pants and having sex with a married person.

Then pursuing each other because they were good people and true soul mates.

My son discovered his father’s affair and put together a suicide plan at 12 years old. It’s in his school records. I was called and asked to come get him from school. Meanwhile AP is emailing my husband asking why he hasn’t checked on how she is doing.

No. I have zero compassion for that. Where was your morality?!! I do have compassion for AP’s husband. He is a nice man who was at home caring for his children while his wife was singing church hymns with my husband.

My compassion is with my children. Which is why I didn’t divorce my husband. I am compassionately giving him another chance. That he doesn’t deserve.

You did say you still missed your AP. Did you kiss AP in front of your children as you were playing on the floor?

[This message edited by Iwantmyglasses at 2:58 PM, March 28th (Wednesday)]

rocket - you need to be disgusted by her. did she know you were married? she was willing to do this with another woman's husband and you miss her friendship?

yeah, just no.

Yep, my wife does agree. As I said, we've been in MC for a year and I've been in IC for a year. We've learned lots of tools to help and yes, we've even been able to discuss that it's normal to miss a friendship when it's lost (my wife actually misses her too). I realize I screwed up but I don't believe that defines me as a POS for the rest of my life. And thankfully, neither does my wife.

Not all affairs are created equal and not all Waywards are equal either. I did a bad thing, and I came clean with my wife about everything. But yes, in spite of that I do think I am a good person. My wife is an amazing person and we ARE doing well one year out. Why that is so upsetting to some on here is another example...."hey, you're doing well? Well I am not so I call B.S." - There's no set timetable for healing and just because my timeframe doesn't fit yours, then so what?

I'm sorry I've offended so many BSs on this site. It was not my intention. I should have posted this in the wayward site.

sewardak - Actually, I need to be indifferent to her. Wish her well and not constantly beat her or myself up for a mistake that both of our spouses have forgiven. It's a waste of time.

Rocket if my WS wished his AP well he'd be divorced.

iwantmyglasses - absolutely not. Any physical contact happened in private. Your situation is absolutely horrible and even though you might not want it, I am so sorry for what happened to you. And I truly apologize if my post has cause you pain. You've been through enough for sure.

My affair was not like that at all. It was still a terrible thing to do, but it differs so much from what you describe. Maybe that's the point I am missing.

I do wish you well.

sewardak - I wish her well for me and for my wife. We learned in MC that staying angry or bitter or wishing her anything but well keeps the emotions running and keeps a connection between us. Becoming indifferent and wishing her well and letting her go in peace just works better for me. Hating her is just the opposite of love. Learning to just let it be and send her good wishes has just worked out better for us. Not for everyone I'm sure.