SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm sorry I'm posting a lot. I do not believe this "once a cheater, always a cheater". Maybe some of us are, but I for one would NEVER pull a stunt like this off again, never.

How can you be so sure?

Have a look in the mirror. I’m guessing you look a lot like you did pre-affair.

I think this phrase was coined for valid reasons. I think it's more rare that a cheater changes than not. I think serial cheaters are more common than not. Even when it's supposedly only one time, chances are high they just got away with the one. Hell I literally could have gotten away with just one but I committed myself to honesty.

The kind of change and healing we take on to go from cheater to not is hard. I'm still doing the work. Yes, I feel confident that I won't betray my spouse again, dday and the months that followed seeing my BH THAT traumatized by my actions is enough. But also by choosing to do this work it's more personal than ever, it has meaning that I do understand now. I value things that I just didn't have a clue before, my integrity, character, conscious, was the furthest thing from my mind.

[This message edited by foreverlabeled at 5:57 PM, July 18th (Thursday)]

Ok, damn. Time to rip through the stitches. I don't WANT to believe this phrase. I will not live this phrase.[hold my beer- here I go!]

But I did have an emotional affair (with sexual overtones) and 2 physical affairs within 1 week of one another. If one know criminology terms, I am a spree adulteress, not a serial cheater. This is still so hurtful to read back as I type, but it is the truth. I hurt my bh not once, but 3 times. I hurt my children. I put myself and my husband in physical danger due to my stupid, selfish choices.

I am learning through IC that I need to find my voice, find myself and know that all of my actions are due to my feelings of inadequacy. Soooooo.... I am working my ass off to become worthy, above average, exceptional to myself, to to earn back my bh trust and respect, as well. I want to reconcile because I will never be that spree cheater again/unfaithful woman again. He deserves a faithful woman. I want to be the best me, the faithful me. And I hope that we can find one another on a healthy and happy relationship again.

It really depends on the why. Why did you cheat?

AND what did you do to fix what was broken within yourself?

Temptation will always exist.

Bad self esteem, depression, negative self image, the need for validation, past trauma, things that happened to us during childhood, etc. Those are things that every single person faces and are underlying factors on why many of us cheat.

So what will you do next time these feelings creep up again? Because they will.

These are the factors that determine whether or not someone will cheat again. Most people don't bother to do the work on themselves.

Here is my perspective. Cheating is really just a symptom of deeper issues. Most cheaters, if pressed, often find that the qualities that led them to cheat were present in their lives even if infidelity wasn't the result. WS's often lack empathy, have entitlement issues, have addiction issues, have poor coping skills, and so on.

So sure, you may never cheat again, and that's good. But that doesn't change the way you relate to your spouse. You may still find yourself being very selfish. You may keep lying about small things, and big things. You may keep requiring the approval of others to value yourself. In the same way that an alcoholic who hasn't had a drink in years is still an alcoholic, a cheater who isn't cheating is still a cheater. Understand? You have that potential, and you've proven that.

The way to escape the cycle is to change who you are at your core. Become someone worthy of respect. Regain your dignity. When you change what you believe about yourself, you will change what others believe about you as well.

There’s a broad spectrum of WSs on here, but I think the majority fall into some degree of serialism even if it doesn’t fit traditional molds of either EA or PA... That is to say long before there was action there was likely intent. And that intent was fueled by the underlying issues DaddyDom catalogs, I believe.

My understanding of who I’ve been my entire post-adolescence is a ramping up of entitlement to the point where it was truly catastrophic. Had my BW not checked on my phone I like to think I’d have corrected, but I also as a college grad would have said that I would never betray the woman I love.

I come back frequently to the point that the vast majority of us on SI are in the realm of recovery, and so there’s likely a larger unrepresented population of adulterers who seriously DON’T CARE about the giant F$#king wrench they swing around their lives, and so that factors into it as well, IMO... Bottom line is it’s hard to discredit the statement when you factor in the degree of effort spent deceiving, etc.

Not after the trauma I caused, it will NEVER happen again. I have put in 6 years of hard work, counseling, books, transparency, yada, yada. I realize I will always be considered a cheater but I wouldn't do it again so I still disagree.

Agreed. My point is we’re likely the minority in the world. Additionally, from the perspective of a BS, I think this statement is likely gospel- Like I said, based more than anything on the vast capacity we demonstrate to deceive, which makes verbal affirmations to the contrary look suspiciously like hot air.

I didn't understand that, but so you all feel you don't trust yourself not to do it again? Is that the point people are making? Confused.

I agree with JBWD in regard to the deception tactics most of us used. The lying, the hiding, and the fact that we did it means the capabilities are still there. Humans are highly adaptive creatures. I know my BH's biggest fear is that I will "adapt and overcome" how I got caught. There wont be another getting caught because I am not going to act on the "trade craft" I developed.

I think the saying "once a cheater, always a cheater" stings the most for those that want to evolve and be better. But if we are not willing to accept who we are and treat the root cause of our infidelity, then it will be true.

[This message edited by Meetvirginia at 8:49 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

Oh I definitely accept that I a cheater, I cheated. That I will NEVER deny. I can handle that. At least in my heart I know I would never do it again.

There is a saying “you are entirely up to you”. You decide who you are going to be, how you will conduct yourself, your moral fiber, and your integrity. The work you do and your commitment to it.

I don’t know if I agree with JWBD that this site has mostly cheaters with serial tendencies. I don’t feel like I am giving something up to be monogamous. I was never tempted to cheat before I went and did it. So there is a spectrum here. But my issues were deeply rooted and that is why I think no matter what kind of cheater you are there isn’t any of us that doesn’t have years of hard work to do.

The last two years I have worked a lot on myself. And each thing I realized and worked on made me recognize the next thing. In the end it’s me who benefitted the most from that work. I am saying that because if my h had divorced me when he asked I wonder if I would have continued. There was a big chunk of time I looked at it as amends to him or being a safe partner for him. Now I look back and I think I learned so much about being happy and comfortable in my own skin. About becoming whole and healed. For the record I don’t think I am yet either of those things but I am closer and I am striving.

I am not putting it that way because I don’t think it was important for him or our marriage. Or because I don’t want him with all my heart. I say it that way because your motivation will work best of you recognize this is not who you want to be. The pain of staying the way you are is greater than the work you need to do on yourself. You can’t do this for him or to say you aren’t a cheater anymore. In reality the label of cheater really has no bearing on anything. People are going to think what they think - especially if they don’t know you well. It’s what you know and eventually what those you love know. They will know the aftermath, and if you dedicate yourself they will see the difference and the progress.

Right now whether you will cheat again remains to be seen. But you can get to a place where you are confident that is not something you will do again. I will not do it again. The person I have become would not allow for something like that. And I know first hand the destruction it caused me, my husband, and our marriage. You are best to be asking why did I cheat or how could I do that rather than this question. If you start asking yourself those questions instead - get very curious about yourself- and very brave about what you are willing to learn (some of it is really ugly and hard to figure out what to do wit or about) you will know the answer to this question as it pertains to you.

Sorry I posted and didn’t see it as you already think you won’t. I got caught up in your title as there are many posts called that on this site now and recurring since I have been here.Maybe that is true. I certainly thought I wouldn’t in the early aftermath. But don’t let that confidence circumvent the work.

[This message edited by hikingout at 9:46 AM, July 19th (Friday)]

Thank you Hikingout

No,I can honestly state that with the changes I’ve made I am certain I won’t cheat again. Tied mostly to those individual criteria of being whole and comfortable in my own skin like Hikingout nailed.

My thoughts on making the concession that I believe it’s a valid statement are from trying to be pragmatic, and acknowledge that I don’t know how a BS could get past it. My wife had a ONS RA that I THINK gave me a little perspective, only in that when confronted she denied, and I can feel a fraction of that betrayal. BUT it’s much easier to put in context because I was vague and she honestly had no idea if I was staying or going. But I felt that mistrust, and I had subsequent concerns based on suitors who persisted.

Ultimately I believe most of us (especially here) are capable of change and are working hard to resolve/repair- I think the statement is PERCEIVED as valid on the BS side, and that just is the case. No value can be assigned to it, IMO.

[This message edited by JBWD at 1:50 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

Re: the serial piece, I MAY have been premature. But what I’m personally noticing the longer I’m on here (which is STILL ONLY 3 months) is that most WS initial posts highlight their continued progression past “indicator events” towards more concrete betrayals. I frequently highlight with BSs that these are lifelong tendencies and merit a little patience in working through, but I also approach this with my own experience- As someone who had lots of opportunities to recognize unhealthy behaviors and self-correct, but then failed to until things went nuclear.

ETA: My failures to correct/maintain I THINK are why I always seem to center on and take interest in this discussion in particular.

[This message edited by JBWD at 2:01 PM, July 19th (Friday)]

JBWD

We are probably headed for the big D too. He wants a separation but last night it occurred to me that he's going to be mistrustful of my whereabouts when separated and probably accuse me of things he concocted in his head. I wish I could just get a microchip so he always knows where I am! Yeah, divorce is pretty much inevitable.

I say once a cheater always a cheater. I have that as a bumper sticker and I am not afraid of it. I cheated. Therefor I was a cheater. It doesn't mean I will cheat again. I can change who I become and what I do yet I did cheat in the past. I don't want to forget who I became in the past. So, I will always have the label and I am proud I will never do it again and have learned and changed. I owned it. I have plenty of better labels. The reason I don't use former. The phrase just doesn't bother me or freak me out.

He wants a separation but last night it occurred to me that he's going to be mistrustful of my whereabouts when separated and probably accuse me of things he concocted in his head.

With statements like this, yes divorce will most likely be inevitable. Part of your own healing will be being able to empathize with where these accusations would come from. He hasn’t concocted anything. You have given him reason to believe. That’s very different.

Although you are 6years out, neither one of you have been able to work towards getting healthy, leaving both of you still in the “early” stages of infidelity.

You have to decide if this is a marriage you are willing to fight for. If not, just let it go. If yes, then fight for it. Keep going to IC, do the poly (whether he takes stock in it or not), show him empathy. Get to a place where you are comfortable with you and the decisions you make.