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Why are you accepting physical abuse???? Isn't that a major indicator of co-dependence? Man, you can't R if you're co-d. You can't heal if you're co-d. Get help - find a good IC.

Borderline can now be treated, but only if the BDP person wants to change.

One social worker I know says it's the Narcissists who are the hardest PD to treat.

Folks on SI really need to start typing 'BPD' for borderline and 'BPPD' for bipolar. We tend to use BPD for both, and that can really eff up responses.

Dummy (I hate saying that),

This doesn't get better for you.

I know some people believe that borderline can be treated, but do a search online for borderline relationship success stories. Generally, the non BPD partner just finds a way to deal with the awfulness, and sometimes the BPD person throws in an apology.

This is going to go on forever. She almost certainly hasn't stopped the sexual behavior, she won't stop blaming you for her awful behavior either.

Do you have any family or friend you could confide in?

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 2:32 PM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

You are both pretty fucked up. Spanking is abuse, you spanked hard enough to leave a bruise??? You really showed that little girl! You can scream at your wife and the two of you can hit each other but if she raises her voice that's totally unacceptable!!! What a man!

Kids just do what their parents do. Spank yourself next time.

I hope you get away from your wife, and I hope your kids get away from you both.

Your WW is a lost cause , so all you have left is your girls .

So yeah , please don't spank your kids . And don't be like their mother either .

If they don't "get it" (whatever "it" is) on their own they will just do "it" when you're not looking.

Punishments and rewards and using baits and all that behaviorist nonsense is really harmful to their development (this has been backed up by evidence) , and it will just make them resent you latter.

Just REALLY listen to them , try to get where they're coming from , ask them real questions and try to guide them in that way. No baiting , no punishment.

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 3:14 PM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 3:23 PM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

Getting back to the original topic :

Have you consulted a lawyer yet?

Spanking is abuse, you spanked hard enough to leave a bruise???

Thanks for pointing this out annanew.

I have been reading this thread for a while and was wondering why no one seemed to have found this unacceptable.

Hitting your kids (and yes, spanking is hitting) is abusive. Please don't do that.

I'm not going to comment on your wife. However, as a BS, I have realized that I relied too much on my WH for my healing. He was never abusive, he thought he was doing his best, but he could never really step up.

I was the only one who could decide how I was going to feel. Your wife can be abusive, but you don't have to take that. She could be the biggest monster, but you and you alone have the choice to say "No, I will not tolerate this anymore."

Not every parent what spanks their child is abusing them.

But..leaving bruises is abuse.

Slapping your cheating wife..17 years ago..one time...doesn't equate to the two of them hitting each other.

OP...that she asked if you had a VAR tells me she will try some other way to bring charges against you. I hope you have one anyway. A few of them.

Child abuse.... comes in many forms.

I have only "spanked" one of my children once. For scaring the life out of me when she ran out infront of a car.

I swatted her on her butt and felt like shit. BUT

I do not think spanking a child for serious misbehavior is child abuse.

There may be some lines crossed here and if so I really truly hope that both parents take a look at that because what happens to us as a child DOES shape who we become.

I have learned over the last few months just how much childhood trauma can effect us later on in life. Please talk to your children. They are only children once.

Back to what the post was originally about..... how are you holding up op?

x8,

I'm not going to tell you whether to divorce or reconcile friend. That's your call. I don't even know enough about BPD, or whether she's actually been diagnosed with it or not, to make a comment.

I would like to remind you that she did come here and she may actually be trying to be a better person. A lot of Waywards are really messed up at first and don't know exactly what to think or do. They have bad boundaries. They have bad coping mechanisms. They frequently seek out other people to fill up their empty bucket of affirmation. But that doesn't mean that they can't become better people. Only you can decide if you think your wife is sincere or not.

I would recommend that you pay close attention to what 5454, Worndown, and YOP have posted. These guys have been where you are and know what they are talking about. Seriously.

I also think you should take action to protect yourself. In my previous post I didn't suggest you try to get your wife disbarred. I suggested that if you have that ability to do this, to remind her to protect yourself. I have seen several BHs falsely charged with domestic violence. I saw one poor guy lose his family, custody of his children, and his home because of this. I watched it happen in real time right here on SI. He wasn't prepared and he didn't take decisive action to protect himself. Don't let this happen to you. Do what you can to protect yourself and your children.

Good luck friend.

[This message edited by mike7 at 4:22 PM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

Nooneleft...I completely agree with you..And out of my four kids, I have only spanked the girls once each...one for the same reason as you spanked your daughter..And the other for disappearing on me because she was mad at me..so she hid while we were at the lake..And I couldn't find her...I started calling for her..no response..so my calls turned into screams rather quickly....no response...I was running and panicking..And she sauntered out of the woods,near the lake, claiming she hadn't heard me..which was bullshit..because everyone in the area heard me..so I spanked her..then hugged her..And cried my eyes out. She was 8...And is now 22...And admitted a few years ago that she heard me the first time I called for her...she was punishing me because I had told her no about something.

She made it clear today that she would not respect my boundaries with regards to being around the ap's. There is really nothing left for me to do except file.

Can you explain? What were your boundaries? Since she works with them..did you ask her to quit? Or are you asking her to refrain from social situations, like that party? Or both?

Either way...you have a right to set boundaries..And if she refuses...the best thing you can do is divorce.

I'm sorry.

Social situations that I am not comfortable in. I never asked her to quit her job or anything unreasonable. My boundaries are that I decide what and when I'm ok with her being around ap. Work = OK, parties = not OK. She doesn't think that's OK of me to request.

[This message edited by dummyX8 at 5:27 PM, December 7th (Wednesday)]

I am so sorry. It is impossible to even try to R when the WS is not willing to sacrifice anything for the M.

She fucked up, she needs to be the one to do the heavy lifting in this.

She is not even willing to avoid being around the AP.... Not willing to miss a social event...

I would file.

FILE HARD

Well that is a perfectly acceptable boundary. One any remorseful wayward spouse would willingly do.

Keep the VAR on you at all times. This is bound to get ugly. I'm so sorry.

Asking her not to go to parties with the men she had affairs with is not unreasonable in any way, shape, or form. That she would think that it is okay is mind blowing.

Considering the complete lack of remorse, and the unwillingness to stay away from all of the men she has had affair with, and wanting to go to parties with them, I strongly suggest you get tested for STDs again.

Again, I'm so sorry.

Agree VAR!! protect yourself bud.

She is not in reality it seems.

I'm sorry that your WW is not giving you anything to work with when it comes to saving your marriage. It's pretty sad that going to parties with her APs is more important to her than having any respect or regard for your feelings on the matter. I agree that all that is left is for you to file. I hope you go for custody too.

That was a perfectly acceptable boundary. Actually if your WW was at all remorseful or empathetic you wouldn't have had to set that boundary because it is basic NC with AP. Without it the affairs are still ongoing.

I am so sorry that you have had a rough time lately.

I am so sorry your WW isn't R material.

Keep posting and maybe have a look in the Divorce and Separation forum so you can get an idea of what your next step looks like.