SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The main thing I heard. I overreacted on. She wasn't talking to him.

What did you hear?

It is amazing how many times I got high blood pressure when I thought I had the proof I needed and it turned out to be nothing.

This seems to happen a lot. Sometimes our minds over react and other times we under react.

I found too many times that things I dismissed came back to the important piece of the puzzle. Sometimes it is the little things that made everything make sense.

What a miserable way to live all the time. You really have to pretend you're Colombo and Monk all of the time.

I don't like being a detective against my wife.

I searched everything again. I can't find anything solid. I just have a few words on var that could be nothing or could be everything. I need time to listen again and write it down. Holiday ... No time ... Right now.

The major item was her bitching about my reaction to the mc and my refusal to believe I'm depressed and how I forced her to give the story. At the time I heard it I thought she was talking to him. Now I know it was a female friend.

I also caught her lying that she didn't tell anyone. I forced her to admit she told her friend (without giving away the var). We then talked quite a lot about trust and her lying.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 12:55 PM, November 28th (Friday)]

and how I forced her to give the story.

Funny how the WS really feels they deserve to keep these secrets from their BS.

Funny how the WS doesn't understand English when you tell them a lie is a lie.

May I ask a couple of questions?

1. Why do you wish to remain with her?

2. Why do you wish to remain married to her instead of divorcing and perhaps starting a new relationship with her after divorce, if she proves herself?

3. What would be your deal-breakers that you would go straight for divorce and wouldn't look back? Both deal-breakers regarding her behaviour during the affair and her behaviour after D-day?

Best wishes

1) I love her. I love the life we had together. I love our family. She is compassionate,loving, fun, self confident, successful, beautiful. I trusted her completely . Every time I heard a friend complain about marriage, I would say I guess I got lucky. The only thing missing for me was intimacy. She didn't have a desire for me. Then d-day happened and my wife died. Now I'm trying to figure out who the woman is that sleeps in my bed.

2) we have a family and a home. If I divorce I will not go back. It's a one way decision. And yes I have divorced before. This is my second marriage.

3) deal breaker in the affair would be if there was more than one. Or a history of affairs. Deal breaker now would be her seeing him or proof of her planning to see him. If I caught her talking to him but not planning to see him, then I don't know. That may be a deal breaker as well.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 5:29 PM, November 29th (Saturday)]

I saw the emails from the boss and the hotel reservations. Her boss is coming. They are sharing a 2 bedroom hotel room because the hotel is full. I saw the emails. It's on the up and up. (Boss is female)

I snoop all the time. Never find anything.

Her boss arrives at midnight on Tuesday she gets in at 4. She voluntarily told me that a coworker in the Boston office (female) might take her into the city when she gets there. Or she might have dinner with a much older partner in the firm (male). She asked the second one. I told her no that I don't care how old he is I am not comfortable with her one on one with a man. She asked if his wife comes if that is ok but she respected my answer.

She is at the grocery store now. I checked her email. It cooperates what she asked. The partner has some business questions and they don't have other time to meet. (She is going to a client and not the main office where the partner is). He invited her to dinner and suggested that his wife might join them. Also found the coworker email about going into the city.

She does sound remorseful to me. I don't write about that much though. She hates seeing me hurt. We had a good mc today. I told the therapist in front of her that I felt she was still talking to him and keeping him on the back burner. She hugged me and said she only wants me that she is sorry she hurt me and broke our trust. And she will never talk to him again.

I asked her today if she was wearing her wedding ring when they met. She said yes she was. She always wears it except at the gym. I asked if she wore it when he came here. Yes. And when she saw him in Raleigh. Yes.

It's strange that there is no guilt during the affair. I've heard that in questions from bs to ws and I heard that from my ws.

I went to strip club several years ago. I was physically shaking during a lap dance because I was feeling so guilty. I haven't been back to one since.

I'll be in Nebraska this week. I kind of want to go to one.

And she will never talk to him again.

Does your wife know you are able to see all of these communications she has concerning work, trips, etc.

You will be surprised at just how sneaky a WS can be. That was the most shocking part, just how sneaky she was.

My wife knows that I snoop. She is fine with it and tells me I can look at anything I want at anytime. When I have snooped with her present I scanned through email looking for his name or anything else that looked out of place. I completely skipped obvious work emails. I don't think she would realize I would read those on my own.

Last night she talked to me about my feelings that she is still talking to him. She said the affair was never about replacing me or ending our marriage. She never thought that he was better than me in anyway. She has issues in her personality that she feels good when she helps others. Most of her friends are screwed up in some way and she is the level one that helps them feel better. And she becomes their source of level and help and that is what she needs. The om was broken. His marriage was a disaster and only still married for the kids. She made him happy. And he made her the object of his happiness. That was what she was missing and wanted from the affair. I'm not broken. I don't need help. I don't ask for help. She isn't my object of happiness.

So she was with him because he was filling something missing for her. It made her happy to make him happy. But she never wanted him over me. She felt it was a completely separate thing and one was not affecting the other. Now that I know the fog broke in her mind and she can see how bad her actions were. She is sorry for my pain. She wishes she could make it better but no time machine. She doesn't need or want him. She doesn't talk to him or wish she could. Her trip right after d-day she was nervous he would show up. She didn't want to see him. He didn't show up.

I tell her I snoop. Like I said she doesn't have an issue with it. I mentioned that I have been thorough but I know there are ways to hide things from me. She said she doesn't have the energy or desire to hide things that much. She wasn't careful in the affair. Her cell phone, linked in, an open suitcase full of lingerie. She isn't good at hiding things.

I am feeling better about her and us today. And we didn't even have sex last night.

Double post

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 11:27 AM, December 1st (Monday)]

Have you told the OM's wife yet? I bet she might be surprised to find out her marriage is unhappy..and he is only staying for the kids.

I have texted, Facebook messaged, and sent real mail to OMs wife. She never responded.

I don't see how my message wouldn't have got to her. I suspect she is burying her head. She is a stay at home mom with a senior in highschool and one in college. She doesn't appear to have any hobbies. She doesn't have a presence on the Internet that I can find. She looks unhappy and dependent on him and her kids in every picture I have seen of her.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 6:02 AM, December 1st (Monday)]

I think you need to be a little more aggressive in informing the OM's wife. Phone or face to face.

She lives about 1500 miles from me. I could attempt to contact her friends. Or maybe they aren't friends but the people that commented on her old Facebook posts.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 9:55 AM, December 1st (Monday)]

Have a PI deliver it to their home. And out her bastard husband to all the facebook friends.

Your wifes reaction to that will let you know if she really never wants to see him again. She should care about YOU not him.

[This message edited by nononsense at 10:07 AM, December 1st (Monday)]

Have you considered having her do a polygraph?

Nonsense - her reaction to me telling his wife is fine. She didnt have an issue with it. She would have herself if I asked her to.

Hobbes, I have. I have not mentioned it to her yet. I'm waiting for the right time or moment.

Tonight I'm going to ask her to turn on location sevices on her phone so I can see where she is at all times. Well at least her phone. Not that this matters much. She will be at a hotel. And she could always shut it off or leave her phone behind. It's more symbolic then anything.

I also have the var recording today.

Im in a training class at local hotel today. She offered to meet me for lunch. That was nice. We rarely have a chance to see each other at lunch. It didn't quite work out though with timing.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 1:06 PM, December 1st (Monday)]

she talked to me about my feelings that she is still talking to him

She's still talking to him? Why?

No,

It is my feeling that she is talking to him. She always tells me she is not. Is it paranoia on my part? Idk. Gut feel? Idk. Mostly it is if I was him I would not give up on talking to her so easy.

It is my feeling that she is talking to him.

I wonder if your gut feelings tell you she is because she seems to be rather easy going, not a problem to tell the wife...almost like she is too easy going.

There are many ways she can still be talking to him so keep paying attention. Search her car for a pay as you go cell phone. Look through the entire house once in a while.