SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think there is something to that this shouldn't be this easy for it to be over.

One email from me to om "hi (om aka dickhead). This is (ws)'s husband. Sorry your marriage sucks. Thanks for ruining mine.

And then one text from her to him. "My husband found out. I can't talk to you again. Don't worry". I never saw this text. This is what she said she wrote. I saw phone records that she sent a single text from her phone at the right time and there was no reply from his phone to her phone. I have asked her several times what the message was to see if her story would change. It hasn't.

That should not have been enough for him never to contact her again. But that is what she said happened and she is surprised by it as well.

She has told me that he told her that she was his second affair. And he nearly divorced after the first one but they stayed together for the kids. ( 2 adopted kids from abusive homes). Face book evidence supports this story. He also had a major accident early this year and nearly died. Facebook evidence and newspaper evidence agree. Maybe he was scared of my email. Is it possible he did turn tail that easy to protect his marriage.

I would feel way better if om's wife had replied to me.

I have looked for 2nd phone many times. I have looked for anything anywhere many times. I don't ever find anything.

What does "Don't worry" in statement of what she told him mean? Sounds to me like she is telling him she has things under control and if he almost got divorced after his first affair she is telling him not to worry about Her finding out.

Your wife is telling you she would call the OM wife if you asked her to. Why don't you call Her bluff?? Tell her to call and say that you don't believe her husband is not still calling her. My bet is she will not know what the fuck your wife is talking about.

And make sure she does it with you there . My bet is she will refuse to do it and get pissed at you

You have two different stories here. First, his marriage was in shambles and he was only staying for kids. Then , he got caught in affair and she was only staying for kids.

You told him he ruined your marriage . He did not. Your wife did. But if you believe he ruined you marriage have your wife put the finishing touches on his.

As far as the locater on her phone being useless. Maybe not. You know when she is out of town she does not sit in her room and order room service. So if her phone shows continuously in hotel location just call her. If she left the hotel without her phone and does not answer that is on purpose. If she is in the Damm hotel she should answer the phone if you call. Her location when you are out of town and she is in town is good to know. If she is near the airport she should have some explaining to do . Your wife is a successful business woman and is obviously clever. Knowing you are snooping is only going to make herore careful. Having her blow up his life by calling OM wife could go a long way in proving it is over. She deleted what exactly she said on purpose . You know that so you are still in the dark on that one.

[This message edited by nononsense at 8:01 PM, December 1st (Monday)]

Amazingly compassionate wife you have. Gets to feel sorry for a guy and gives him her body so he'll feel a little happier.

Just don't believe it; she did it for excitement and sex and the guys state of mind didn't enter into it. The picture she is painting of a tortured angel, who is driven to bring comfort to the lives of unfortunate depressed males, is simply laughable. You have to be an utter fool to believe this. It just makes her look better in your eyes; "see I'm not doing this for sex, but out of compassion for men in pain who need my 'help'". She's not a slut she's a saint!

This infidelity may have been practiced before; part of her lifestyle when traveling on business. This is extremely common for many WS's. As long as you keep checking up on her she can play the remorseful wife and just wait until things have died down, before finding another male who needs her healing touch.

OK now said:

Amazingly compassionate wife you have. Gets to feel sorry for a guy and gives him her body so he'll feel a little happier.

Just don't believe it; she did it for excitement and sex and the guys state of mind didn't enter into it. The picture she is painting of a tortured angel, who is driven to bring comfort to the lives of unfortunate depressed males, is simply laughable. You have to be an utter fool to believe this. It just makes her look better in your eyes; "see I'm not doing this for sex, but out of compassion for men in pain who need my 'help'". She's not a slut she's a saint!

This infidelity may have been practiced before; part of her lifestyle when traveling on business. This is extremely common for many WS's. As long as you keep checking up on her she can play the remorseful wife and just wait until things have died down, before finding another male who needs her healing touch.

Mikeinaa, I'm sorry but I tend to agree with the above. The explanation, she has offered for her affair, is simply ludicrous. Just like OK now I don't belive that a woman with a healthy dose of self-respect would offer her body to cheer up some dude she just met at the bar. This is ridiculous.

And.... I wouldn't be also surprised if it really wasn't her first time.

Has she written out a full, detailed timeline for you?

I don't know what I am supposed to do with suspicion. Other than what I am doing. ..... I agree doesn't all seem right. But I can't find evidence.

I asked questions and took notes to make a timeline...

So here are the words from 8 days ago that I freaked on. This is from a VAR in her office.

... means I couldn't understand the words. /// means there is a break in time on the recorder.

Also keep in mind there were people working in the back yard on landscaping. and I the VAR seemed to cut stuff out.

well I need mean I need to know to know about that for if I ever go out. soft laugh. interesting. ya. its not the same.

////

... tires, ok. bye bye (this was to me)

///

phone beep. so impressed. yes. ... thank you so much.

///

I mean so I, I just don't want to risk it and that whole, sorry. Alright. we will. okay. I just think that, ya ya. It just takes away from (her company) doing work. (My name) umm. its a good problem to have. but shit it's scary too. ohhh god. (said like stressed) so ya let me know if I can help you elaborate so you don't feel like so

///

No school and (laughing) and I've got. It feels like its taking awhile but whatever (I can hear friend in background). .... No school .... I mean I sort of take the day off. but with (child's name) Probably won't do shit. Never heard of it. (friend talking). (local school) in football finals.

///

I might be. ya. I'm going u... ... I talked to him and he's arguing. I said prove it. and I'm thinking in my head he's upset because ... I brought it up. ... I finaly set look. If your quitting just don't on on o n... I need help getting shit done. Your coming in here another finger pointing. ... your assuming the consular is blaming you on this, ... and he turns it into an argument. And then he needs the timeline. Yes the timeline and all the details. He's making up stories in his head because he doesn't think it work and doesn't believe me what he's heard so far. When he first asked me about it. and he ... he kind of is right. but he can't even talk to people. ... there are different levels of depression. because you don't want to put a gun to your mouth doesn't mean your not depressed. Thats where he self diagnosis. you know what I mean. It's a combination of things. but a he is going all these different directions. And he comes home and and I go listen ..... how it works. .... everything has to be closed out and filed. .... well let me know how your serving goes. I know its going to be freezing. ... but I'm okay.

The VAR cut out a lot. I couldn't hear the friends words at all. Also the friends has a son hooked on heroin that was going into rehab center the next day. Some of the conversation I think was about him and not me.

Just finished listening to yesterday and today's VAR.

I heard her talk to her friend about me. Nothing bad was said.

Otherwise clean this time.

I think I freaked myself out by writing out what was there from last week.

You know, either she is still talking to him or not. Or she is still doing him or not. or planning to divorce me or not. But I can't change those things. They are or are not. I have no control. If it is a "she is" then I will eventually catch her or find out. Then I can act. And until then I will try to let her prove to me that "she is not."

She was supposed to meet him next week. I caught her because I saw all the lingerary in her suitcase. She doesn't even wear it for me.

32 days ago.

And then he needs the timeline. Yes the timeline and all the details. He's making up stories in his head because he doesn't think it work and doesn't believe me what he's heard so far

You still don't have a timeline from her? Doesn't she care about what you want? Instead of talking to her friend about what days the kids are off from school and who's playing who in football, maybe she could sit down and write you out a timeline.

You know, either she is still talking to him or not. Or she is still doing him or not. or planning to divorce me or not. But I can't change those things. They are or are not. I have no control. If it is a "she is" then I will eventually catch her or find out. Then I can act. And until then I will try to let her prove to me that "she is not."

Mikeinaa, I was fairly confident that my wife stopped cheating after I caught her, probably had more reason to be than you. BUT, that would not have been enough for me. No way I would have been satisfied to stay in the marriage ONLY because the cheating had ended. I still needed the truth, and I still needed her to prove to me that she wanted to be married to me, as opposed to just not wanting to be divorced.

I still needed her to prove to me that she wanted to be married to me, as opposed to just not wanting to be divorced. How do you feel about that?

Why won't she write you a timeline?

And then he needs the timeline. Yes the timeline and all the details. He's making up stories in his head because he doesn't think it work and doesn't believe me what he's heard so far.

This was about you?

If so, you have no reason to believe her. She needs to understand the level of lying and deceit she has done with her affair.

She has never in her life been lied to and deceived like you were, she has NO idea what it feels like.

Hell no you dont believe her and have no reason to believe her at this time. It takes a lot of time and effort for someone to rebuild trust.

You need the timeline and details, so does 99% of everyone else that has ever been lied to and deceived like this.

Has she written you the timeline yet?

Has she read a book like Not Just Friends or How to help your spouse heal yet?

If she cannot understand this, print out this from the healing library:

http://survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/confrontation/joseph.asp

Yes it was about me. The stuff about depression was about me too.

She read healing partner after affair and is reading not just friends now.

The timeline she wrote me was 5 lines. When they met and when they saw each other. I turned that into 6 pages of notes.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 7:01 PM, December 2nd (Tuesday)]

Lack of trust is a marriage destroyer unless the WS is deeply and devoutly remorseful; like the WS's in the wayward section who suffer from extreme self-loathing at the damage they have wrought. Don't see any of that emanating from your wife.

She is just waiting for time to dull the edge of your pain; throw some quality sex your way and get back to some degree of normalcy.

There is a problem with her possible style of opportunistic cheating. Travels on business and goes down to the hotel bar after dinner. Gets picked up by some guy who is attractive and interesting. Later she arranges to meet him again when she is back in town. As long as she doesn't do anything stupid, like lingerie in her suitcase, you are not going to find out about her cheating, since there isn't any evidence you can easily acquire.

You mentioned earlier that your wife was bad at disguising the truth and you thought you would know if she cheated before this latest infidelity. It may be equally valid to claim that your wife began cheating when she withdrew from 'participating' in your married sex life. Maybe fearful of passing on a STD made her reluctant to have sex with you. I would not be surprised to find a history of cheating from your WW, and thats why her ridiculous lies and lukewarm remorse will make it so difficult to reconcile.

You will ultimately find that you cannot successfully repair your marriage without a reasonable degree of trust. Thats the foundation you will need to rebuild and its currently not there. I think she needs to leave her employment, just in case she is a habitual cheater. That will make it so much easier to 'keep an eye on her'. Either that, or wonder just who she has been sharing her compassionate sex with on her latest business travels.

D-day + 32 days

Sleep - 3hrs

Weight -25 total

I'm in an airport this morning

I'm so tired of wondering and hurting.

I can't even tell you how much I relate and how sorry I am for you. My stomach hurts from lack of food then hurts worse when I try to eat if I don't throw it up first. I have stopped having nightmares about the A and now dream of eating? The A nightmares start when I wake up. I find myself holding my breath alot from the stomach pain. Hang in there Mike.

This is from yesterday. Too upset during the day and too drunk last night to write it yesterday.

Caught another lie. Part of getting location service on her phone is that I also now have her Google search history. Her first night in Boston she googled his name several times in different ways.

I asked her if she missed him. She said. " No. I am curious if his wife knows, etc. But I don't miss him. I'm relieved it is over. And i miss you. " I then asked if she has searched for him. She said no. I told her she was lying. She said she wasn't. I blew up. I told her I had her search history. I used lots of cuss words. I told her it isn't that you searched for him that pissed me off it is that you lied about it. She said now I do remember searching for him. I had forgot. I went off again about it not being possible that she forgot from the night before. I then told her that she doesn't get it. I said how am I supposed to believe the big stuff you say we you can't even admit the stupid stuff that doesn't matter. And maybe we should split up.

The shit thing is. The fact she is googling him for information means she isn't talking to him. Just that she probably wants to.

Today I told her no more searching for him on her own. If she feels like she needs to then tell me and we will do it together.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 12:46 PM, December 4th (Thursday)]

My opinion only but I wouldn't facilitate her curiosity to know what's going on with him at all. My WH wishes she was never born and is sick physically when he even looks in the mirror. It's not contrived for my sake, I know him better than he knows himself.

I would be highly insulted if he remotely cared about anything about her.

I did something I am not proud of and bought a Trac phone, texted him pretended to be her telling him I have a different phone so my husband wouldn't find out. I just asked him if he was ok and he went into a texting tirade telling her (me) how he fkd up his marriage and wants no more contact from her ever and would contact her husband if she did. He immediately nervously called me and told me about the text and sent me a copy. This shows me remorse. I will not continue the phone game because it's dishonest on my part but it did relieve a part of my questions.

Mike,

She is lying again on what she just told you. You know she knows exactly how to get hold of him EXCEPT she knows if she uses the email or phone you are tracking she will get caught. Unfortunately, now she knows of another way you can figure out what she is doing. Here she is out of town for one of first times again when she was supposed to meet him and first thing she does is google OM. And then tells you she was not thinking of him. Mike, call her bluff, and tell her since she is so fucking curious the two of you are going to call OM wife tonight and make SURE she knows. And why is it OK if she is still googling him and searching for information on him. It's supposed to be over, right?????

You are believing too much of what she is saying and not absorbing what she is and is not doing. There is nothing in her behavior here that shows any signs of helping to alleviate the 5 things you were tired of in your other post.

My opinion is she was googling to see if she could find anything to indicate a way to talk to him again without you knowing. How does googling OM jive with thinking about and missing you????

You need to see an attorney and put some potential real consequences in front of her quickly. Nothing shiort of that is going to change this I am afraid.

Nonsense I told her I couldn't continue with her. What more could I say. I didn't accept it.

She puked when we were talking later that night.( Well it wasn't quite talking. I was pissed. ) She is feeling . I just can't pin down what.

My way of facilitating her curiosity will be to call om wife With my ww. If she wants to know if om wife knows then we can find out together. I'll make ww dial the number.

She wasn't looking for contact information. She was looking for news stories.

Forbetterorworse that is a good test. I will consider it.

Mike good luck. It's repulsive to have to bring ourselves to becoming detectives. I have told him I am sick of having to investigate him. One day I became a member of a bunch of dating/hookup sites to see if I would find him on there. I only made myself sick, men and women posting nude pics and hunting each other like prey on body parts.

I am in no way a prude however my head is so screwed up that all I could wonder about was how many of them were married.

I hate that my peace and stability has been taken from me.

No. I am curious if his wife knows, etc. But I don't miss him.

How would Googling this guys name different ways tell your wife anything about if his wife knows or not.

When we catch the WS in lies we are already in a state of excited misery and then they lie even more and on top of that the lies are so stupid...we miss it.

How could googling the guys name different ways tell her anything about if his wife knows or not.

She is out of town, so what is the reason for googling his name different ways. To find other email addresses etc.

The affair sounds like it is over...for the time being. Maybe it is just time your wife give up her job since she cannot be trusted to leave town.

Perhaps she is googling his name to try to catch him in another affair. You would be surprised the nerve. ..