SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

AD - just chiming in to say this is great - I'm very pleased to see such strong progress from you now. We all have to reach these points on our own timelines, but reach them we must - and you have. Well done.

I totally relate to your post about the costs ($) of infidelity - don't get me started. But - what price freedom from the toxic?

Anyways - keep it up.

V

Check out a few books on parenting through divorce. I particularly loved "Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way". Also for your kids, "Dinosaurs Divorce". I read many books, but I thought those were the best. Both were rec'd by my ds's therapist.

Going through some bad moments. Fighting off an overwhelming urge to call my wife and tell her to stop this madness, come back to our family, and live the rest of our lives.

Don't worry--I won't give in to the urge. It's normal. It will pass. But it is so strong.

What's so horrible is that a person can be both your tormenter and your source of comfort. I guess it's the class abusive relationship, huh? He hits her and comforts her, telling her he loves her. And she stays.

Just need a few words of understanding and encouragement.

Thanks...

[This message edited by Abbondad at 8:09 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

I may be totally out of line with this question but what is the arrangement as far as your sharing of the parental duties? It seems like they are going back and forth a lot. My ex had children and I know that everytime they shifted from dad to mom's or mom's back to dad's, there was all kinds of emotional upheaval

We are supposed to have a strict schedule--or so I thought--but my wife's job entails a lot of travel, and often it is not predictable. They tell her just a few days before.

But you're right. This needs to end. The kids should not be wondering where they are going to be. This far we have shifted the schedule only a day before or after what was previously agreed upon, but even that is too much.

When coparenting matters are finalized during divorce, are these binding? Must the parents adhere to the schedule?

First, feelings are not facts. I know your feelings are painful, but they have led you in the wrong direction in the past, and have prolonged everyone's suffering....right??

Yes, the divorce decree is a binding contract. You have legal recourse if it is violated. Reality is that it needs to be violated repeatedly, and that is why the advice on SI is to document everything to establish a pattern of contemptuous behavior.

Speaking of that, have you thought of the precedents that are being set right now, that may be used against you? Please speak with your lawyer about this.

(((Dad))) NC NC NC

What's so horrible is that a person can be both your tormenter and your source of comfort.

This one specifically the source of comfort part was hard for me to get. Yep the person you confided in and went to when you needed to talk or felt down is no longer an asset or coping mechanism you can use. The "missing her part" will go away eventually but the fact that your Spouse was a tool in your toolbox of coping mechanisms still needs to be dealt with. This is especially important if like me your WS was just about the only tool in your coping toolbox.

If you have a bad day at work or something happens you used to be able to come home or call and vent or talk it out with your WS. That is no longer an option so you need to develop new coping skills and mechanisms. For me working out was big but I also learned to write things out, sit back feel whatever I am feeling and let it pass, or actually pick up the phone and call a friend or family member to discuss it with.

After awhile I realized most if not all of the things that used to stress me I could handle by myself. I was just going to my WW at the time because she was there. Not that it's a bad thing in a committed relationship between 2 people but it's not a good thing when there is no relationship and if there is codependant behavior involved.

Hell, some stuff I even let blow up now because, well, I now know I can't control it anyway so no need to stress over it. That one was hard for me to get but again I can only control my own actions and if the tools I have at my disposal for the particular issue don't work then I let it go.

That was probably more than you asked for but I remember being in the wanting to call my STBX phase and in reality it was more than that for me. That was just the tip of the iceberg since she WAS my coping mechanism. Now I have plenty of different outlets and you need to develop those for yrouself as well.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:43 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

What's so horrible is that a person can be both your tormenter and your source of comfort

I am waiting to see if FWW will ever again become a source of comfort or support for me. After the betrayal, so many lies, so much saying what she thought that I wanted to hear....

I am a much more independant person than I was during the M. More like before the M.

Abbondad, I rarely post here but have been following your threads. Having trouble quoting you, but I want to reassure you that every single time you resist calling your wife, that urge will get more and more manageable. And conversely, each time you GIVE IN and call her, that urge will get stronger. So remember that every time you resist, you're strengthening that "muscle" that helps you resist. You are literally making yourself stronger. Good job, Dad.

We have a weekly 4/3 schedule, 4 overnights for me, 3 overnights for him. I would HATE to go a whole week without seeing them, and I didn't want too much shuffling, so this works for us. It's good for the kids too to know what days they are supposed to be where..

Of course, his work schedule has him working 4 to 9 a.m. Monday through Friday, so with my new shark lawyer, I'm hoping to get the standard every other weekend schedule at the next mediation in a couple of weeks.. If it can be one of us watching the kids rather than mom, dad, brother, daycare, etc., (in his case MOW), it really should be one of the parents watching the children if they can.. And I work from home, so I'm always available to watch them.. Suck on that buddy..

I'm no lawyer, but I think what you guys officially set out now will start setting a precedence, but things change, schedules change, things happen, so I think extenuating circumstances could warrant a revisit to the schedule.. But everyone is correct:

NO CONTACT and DOCUMENT!!!!!

Big hugs to you. Keep fighting that urge to contact her. That will NEVER lead to what you want. If this is ever going to get to a healthy relationship, it's going to start with her contacting you saying all those things you mentioned wanting to say to her.. And then her actions would have to back up her words.. You are a LONG WAY OFF from that..

BIG HUGS!!

Hi Everyone,

Just an update. Yesterday was rocky, but I think a success overall.

No contact except for one brief kid-related text!

But many urges to communicate over the course of the day, as well as agonizing over her not contacting me. But I got through them and congratulated myself.

Crying jags here and there.

Therapy is going really well. Delving into serious personal issues that helped contribute to the situation leading UP to the infidelity. Issues that I now understand and am determined to resolve so I can move into my future relationship emotionally healthy.

Oh, and for around one minute the clouds lifted and I had a moment of clarity: the emotional abuse, the million lies, the shocking depth of the deceit, just the abominable way I have been treated overall. And I felt disgusted with myself, but also more sure of my decision.

I hope these moments return more often and ultimately will be sustained. The anger helps.

This morning I burst into tears waiting for the kids at the bus stop, which was not good. My six year old had to comfort me. "Do you miss Mommy?" she asked. I felt terrible that she witnessed this and had to assume the role of comforter, but these bouts of emotion come suddenly, with no warning, no discernible trigger. Otherwise I would have hidden this from her.

Now I am angry again...

I don't think that's such a bad thing,AD. Not that you want to burst into tears all the time around the kids,but it's ok to show them that you are sad. It is normal to be sad when a marriage ends. It also shows them that it's ok for a man to cry. And,the fact the she comforted you shows you that despite all the trauma of the last year,you're kids are ok..better than ok..they are compassionate and loving and kind. So,maybe what happened this morning was a good thing..but I don't think you should do it all the time..you don't want to place that burden at their feet. But it is ok to show them that you're sad.

NC today! Stay strong!!

Hey AD - you're doing good mate. Keep it up.

I think its OK to be emotional in front of the kids, but maybe not too often and don;t put them in the role of supporter - it sounds like you are very aware of that and are not doing this so again good job.

As for arrangements with the kids, so much depends on your circumstances and what will work for the kids. My arrangements are not 'standard' but they ARE consistent. I have the kids two night during the week and every second weekend - its 6-7 nights per fortnight for me depending on what happens on Sundays.

We have stuck more or less to this schedule now for two years. Many will say that its too much to and fro and it should be week about or even 4/3, but those simply did not work for us. The kids know where they are going to be and have settled into it well. Find something that works for you and the kids.

I know nothing about the legal system in the US but I am sure that what you do now will set some kind of precedent. Here in the UK when it comes to D the courts will only really order changes in the parenting arrangements if they think that the status quo is detrimental to the kids. Parental appeals don't cut it - it only about the kids.

At the outset by WW wanted more time with the kids but I dug my heels in and fought for the contact that I have - she now agrees that this was best for them (although that took her a long time). I did that because I knew it was in their interests and also I knew that I was setting a precedent - establishing a status quo that the courts would need to see a reason to change. I don't see a reason now - its working for us, and everyone has settled into it.

So - think about this. Your challenge is that you are dealing with a very flaky WW - we all did to greater or lesser extents, but yours maybe more difficult than many. At least I was able to negotiate direct rather than through lawyers.

You will know what's best for your situation, but consider the longer term here too.

Good luck and keep up the good work.

V

It is hard to get the parenting schedules down. My ex works three weeks out of the month out of province, and is home a week.

Our origional agreement of every other weekend, and visits during the week didn't cut it.

Luckly we are at a point that we are working together as parents. When he comes into town he can see his son whenever he wants to (unless there is some event that was previously scheduled). I do my best to ensure he has a relationship with his dad, and his dad has all the access he wants. The ball is in his court.

Kids do adapt. Mine is 12 so he understands a lot better than younger kids, but they will adjust to the schedule changes.

HOpefully you can get something a little more reliable worked out yourself.

[This message edited by ninebark at 7:21 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

Hi everyone,

N/C today, but going through intense withdrawal and anxiety. Hanging out with my bro, which is better than being alone, but it is not abating.

Please help "talk" me through it. Fear not, I won't contact her, but I am not doing well...

This feels like it won't get better...

I miss the "good her" so intensely.

Thank you!

Have you read "getting past your break up"? The title sounds like it could be about high school, but it truly isn't. There is an entire chapter about maintaining NC, and some tips on managing the urges. Also "from abandonment to healing".

As far as parenting schedules, you don't have to stick to whatever is in the decree as long as both parents agree. These things come before the courts only when there is a disagreement. It is definitely better for the kids to have a consistent a schedule as possible, given the work limitations. Is it possible to set out a schedule at least a week or two in advance?

Also any changes to the official schedule, be sure to get your stbx's agreement in writing (plan changes via email, doesn't have to be formally written and notarized or anything) so that you have evidence of her agreement should she come back later and say you're keeping the kids during her time.

AD,

Sending STRENGTH Brother.

You can do this. Man up.

When life knocks you down...Calmly get back up, smile, and very politely say, 'You hit like a bitch

Peace...

[This message edited by Mikey56 at 11:11 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

You have to distract yourself. It is like a drug, thinking about her is the "fix". You spend so much time getting your "fix" that you can't heal.

I distracted myself the first few months with books. Nothing serious or heavy, just fun reads...and music...and exercise.

Also, if you feel the urge to contact her, write everything in a word document. At least you "got it out".

Stay busy.

Yes, it is OK to be sad around your kids, but you don't want to emotionally burden them either. They are not your emotional support...you are theirs. Nothing wrong with them knowing occasionally you are hurt too, but follow it up with "This is a part of life, things change, and I am going to move forward and be happy. You don't have to worry about me. I love you."

Also, therapy is emotionally hard. I still feel wiped out after some sessions. I usually rebound in a day or two...but I expect it now.

Thanks, everyone. The worst has passed. I guess "it" just needs to come out a few times a day.

I am reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing. Very good, very relevant to what I am experiencing. I also ordered Getting Past Your Breakup.

AD - You have been doing great. The one thing that you can do when you feel that overwhelming urge to call/talk/see her is to first ask yourself what is so important to tell her. If it seems significant, write it down, get it out. Walk away from it if you come back several hours later and it still seems important, ask if it's about kids or finances. If it is, then email it. If not then get rid of it, in a cathartic way, burn it, rip it to a bazillion pieces. The anxiety is just another way for your mind to grieve.

The other thing to do when the urge hits you is to do something physical and productive. Clean, Mop, go for a walk, a run, a swim. Exerting yourself releases endorphins which counteract the cortisol that your producing from the anxiety. (there is legit science behind it).

((((Stay Strong Friend))))

Hey Dad, I think you are making amazing strides, keep up the good work! I lost a friend due to cancer that I can't speak to anymore because she is gone from this world:( I often "write" to her knowing full well I can't send the message to where she rests now but I have things I want to share with her, she was my BFF of 30+ years. On some level, even though sadly, I can't talk to her, I do feel better once I write my thoughts down. I know your WW is still available for you to talk with but just something that has helped me to let go of a confidante, maybe writing your feelings but not sending them... Just an idea from a S.I. friend:) All the best Jamie