SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Just wanted to pop back in and thank everyone for their replies - especially the women - please keep 'em coming SI women. And be honest ;o)

Just a note of agreement.

My dating experience is *very* limited and over 15 years ago. Maybe 2 girlfriends before I met my STBXW and really back then dating was often going out drinking with a lot of friends.

I am in no way equipped to handle this part of the real world - and in no way looking forward to it.

I would be open to a guy starting up a conversation in that setting, but I would recommend keeping it light the first time - and hope that there's a second time if you're interested in someone in particular.

But, heck ... the last time I dated Reagan was president, so what do I know.

I'm with the guys here.

Really worried about dating and meeting someone.

Never "dated" - my GF in highschool turned into W so I have never dated as an adult or ever really.

I am not an approacher.

I assume everyone I am interested in is married or taken.

I assume that a friendly woman is also flirting with me - but then I rethink that and think I should not make a move because they probably are not making a move at me.

ugh...

Yeah, that's the thing Don'tDream, I've experimented with being proactive and giving my self a chance, and taking chances with women who are friendly. And almost all of them have been taken, or only being friendly and just want to be friends So now I've lost my fake confidence - and I don't take chances anymore.

The most recent one I asked out gave me her phone #, I called and left a voicemail, she called back and said she needed to clarify something - the fact that it was going to be just friendly not a "date."

My apologies to the other men on this board - I'm probably not helping your cause any either LOL

[This message edited by abandoned1 at 1:48 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

Since I am able to talk to anyone, including the equipment in the gym...approaching was not my problem. However, I am a woman, maybe I can help...

I am going out on a limb and say that I think that the gym is a bad place to meet women. I know of too many (at least 7 off the top of my head)women or men that picked up new BF/GF at the gym. That right there turned me off-- so that said... do you have friends, co-workers who can set you up? I was divorced four years ago, and my sister/BIL set me up on a blind date...and we are now married. I have other close friends who were set up on by their friends as well, and I have set up friends of mine... not that this always works. But generally the person setting you up (if they are a close friend/family member) cares for you and wants you to be in a successful relationship. My husband is not an approacher either... if we had met casually somewhere else, he would not have initiated a conversation. Personally I have been approached in the library, Christian bookstore, ice cream stand, Petsmart, little league baseball games...etc...I don't think that it's a specific place (although I do think that there are places that are inappropriate) I do think it matters how you approach someone. And generally most women are flattered by the attention..even if they are taken, they will be polite about it. At the gym, everyone is so busy/focused. one thing I would add is that if you do talk to a woman... follow up is important. If my current husband had not followed up after our initial date, I would have assumed that he was not interested. If he had waited too long, I would have assumed that he had other females and I was further down the list... and yes, I also realize that those insecurities come from being a BW ... but I think that if you go thru the effort of asking a woman out, it's important to put just as much effort in following up the date. ok, i am rambling..sorry!

Grasping - no, no that's great, ramble all you like. I like to hear differing points of view too - so thanks.

As for being set-up... Friends have tried (and are still trying) to no avail. I'm old enough that my friends, and friend's friends are all coupled-up and/or married. They don't really know any single women that might be a match for me. Trust me, that's the route I'd love to go if I can't do it on my own. I've actually tried to subtle-y ask co-workers (another great place to meet someone - except you work with them) out to no avail too. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm leaning toward nothing, and just letting things happen - but then I feel if I'm not being proactive - how am I going to meet someone?

[This message edited by abandoned1 at 2:41 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

At this point, you could strike up a conversation in the gynocologist's office and I'd listen.

Supposedly nice guys hang out at bookstores; that or the library is my only shot.

In all seriousness, friendly and open but not creepy or "using a line" are usually welcome and not annoying conversation starters.

GL!

RG

[This message edited by RiotGrrrl at 3:54 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

Supposedly nice guys hang out at bookstores; that or the library is my only shot.

I LOVE bookstores but rarely have time to go hang out in them!

Being single dad I find I have no time for much loitering and scamming as I am too damned busy living a basic single life. After work, home remodeling, shopping, cooking and cleaning the only thing I do have time left for is going to the athletic club (I like saying that - makes me feel more athletic! ) to work out. No time to fill Moe's shoes!

abandoned1 - try self help books like How to Make People Like You in 90 Seconds or Less . It teaches you the importance of body language and other subtle techniques for connecting with anyone, anywhere, anytime. I downloaded it from iTunes to my iPod... I love listening to the author present it.

-t2g

[This message edited by thyme2go at 4:26 PM, May 8th (Thursday)]

It teaches you the importance of body language

I've skimmed through that but the only part about the body language I've applied so far is...

"Don't walk into a room with your finger up your nose"

Still waiting to see if fixing that is going to pay off.

I actually have some experience here, all be it quite a few years ago. before I was married, I taught aerobics at a gym. My pet peeve was men taking my class just to hit on me. That being said, I think the gym is a great place to meet people. Any people. Easy to see if you have something in common. If you find someone atractive, then strike up a conversation, but if you are going to ask them out, do it within a couple of meetings. That way, if they are not interrested, you haven't become workout buddies and made things all uncomfortable. Even if it is just meeting at the smoothie bar or a game of raquetball or something, you will know right away if they are interrested. Just don't be a lurker and let her know you are scoping her out all the time. That gets anoying, and makes you look like a stalker.

Good luck!

i've met alot of people at the gym just by being generally friendly to both men and women. i'm not suggesting that you approach this like the welcome wagon, but if you do the same routine, attend classes, etc. you will start to recognize people. one good trick for me is to start a conversation as i would if i were talking to a friend, whether or not i thought the person was cute/had potential. also, by expanding your social network or men and women, you will start to meet others you never would have met, even if none of your gym friends turns out to be the "one."

have fun!

I have mixed feelings here. My STBXH met OW at the gym so obviously you CAN meet someone there. But, all in all it seems like an ok place to meet people, just beware the lack of a wedding ring. OW didn't see one and didn't ask and now he lives with her. Poor thing.

It's hard to find quality people, for sure and I certainly have not been successful. I'd guess though that if you started a conversation with me at the gym, it'd be okay.

Good luck!

It seems that only the married people meet someone at the gym. My first XW met her muscle bound donut maker/aspiring SO beater at the gym.

...she called back and said she needed to clarify something - the fact that it was going to be just friendly not a "date."

There's nothing wrong with that as a starting point. I was talking to one lady on a dating site and she agreed to meet me at the zoo for a date "as a friend". It was our first face to face meeting and before the day was over we were holding hands as we walked thru the zoo and ended up dating for a month or so and then things didn't work out and we went our separate ways. I never would have had that chance with her if I was scared off because she just wanted a friend and not a date and I never would have had the chance to get to know a pretty cool lady.

Even if it is just as a friend, it's still a chance to knock a little of the dating rust off and learn to be a little more comfortable around the opposite sex. Nothing wrong with that at all... and who knows, it might even be a little fun!

As a mini t/j:

...she called back and said she needed to clarify something - the fact that it was going to be just friendly not a "date."

There's nothing wrong with that as a starting point

If it was me that said that, it would mean, I'm interested enough in a date, but I just don't want the pressure of it being a "date" date. I don't want to feel I have to try too hard to be interesting or fun ... blah, blah, blah.

Clear as mud, right?

Oh, and a HUGE thanks to Moe for this. It made me giggle.

I've skimmed through that but the only part about the body language I've applied so far is...

"Don't walk into a room with your finger up your nose"

Still waiting to see if fixing that is going to pay off.

Thanks again everyone - it really is helpful to read all these replies.

Kosa, my best friend said the same thing. He had a similar experience and it worked out for him, so I'm considering giving it a shot keeping in mind that I may grow on her or make a new friend and expand my social circle, thus maybe being able to meet someone through her. At this point I have nothing to lose and everything to gain. I'll see if she calls back (she's entertaining her parents for 2 weeks who, like her, are from Europe). Although I didn't say no to meeting after her parents left - discouraged, I deleted her phone number.

A:

Take a spin class. There are mostly girls in these classes. The bikes are placed around the room in a half moon shape. You can speak/chat with them lightly before, during and after class. It will be unsuspecting and you'll eventually find out which ones are married, single, etc.

I met a few last winter doing this when I was still with WW. Nothing happened as I wasn't fishing for an A. Just making small talk and sweating like crazy.

As far as around the gym floor, I would stand clear and not try to meet anyone that way. Sure the girls can look great in their workout clothes, however, it's really hard to figure out which ones may be unattached as wedding bands usually aren't worn during working out for women IMHO.

Good luck,

LonelynLost

If it was me that said that, it would mean, I'm interested enough in a date, but I just don't want the pressure of it being a "date" date. I don't want to feel I have to try too hard to be interesting or fun ... blah, blah, blah.

Clear as mud, right?

No offense at all IUTS, that's actually a very helpful admission - but this is the kind of thing that drives me nuts about women. I really don't understand them sometimes.

I am now dating a man that I met on OKC. Anyone who has been on SI for any length of time knows what I have had some horrible dating experiences (especially with online dating,) but this guy and I are working out very well.

We started slowly. We approached it as meeting a new friend and not necessarily someone to date. We did the email thing for a while, then started IMing (though not every day,) then after finally talking on the phone it snowballed from there. Starting slowly was comfortable for both of us.

A couple of weeks before we met he hinted at getting together and I put him off but he didn't give up (and neither did I for that matter.) We didn't pressure me and kept things light and friendly.

Funny thing that as soon as I really decided I didn't need to date to be happy, I met someone. I had changed my attitude and have been faithfully looking at what I have as opposed to what I don't have.

My advice would be whatever avenue you choose to meet women, to keep it light and keep it friendly. If you meet someone you really like, don't necessarily throw in the towel.

Also, I have to say that the guy I am seeing is not the best looking guy I have ever seen, and at first I was not attracted to his looks at all, but he is extremely self confident and a very positive and happy person. I found discovered it is not the way a man looks that attracts me, it is the way he feels about himself that attracts me. If you don't feel self confident, fake it until you do.

Hope this all made sense.