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will post my full story.

hippygirl

The day we were really fighting,I told him that day OM had called me at work b/c someone seen my BS digging through my truck at work.I would love to talk him but cant.I have started a journal and writting everthing down.He has heard it,but I will tell him everything even though I dont thing he wants to 'R'.

(((sunnydays)))

It's really tough to build up your own self esteem with all the lovely names they call us isn't it?

I'm sorry you are having to experience this.

What happened that caused an RO to be put into place?

The first thing you guys need is a little bit of breathing room. If he is calling you names and filing a RO against you, then I think you probably need to step back for a couple of days and regroup, as well as decide precisely what it is that you want and what needs to be done to get it. You are going to need IC. Period, end of sentence. I do not know how anyone can get through this w/o it. And if you decide to R then you guys need to come up with a game plan, MC, etc.

Keep us updated honey.

PS. Your BS is extremely hurt and angry right now and that's normal. I also think the name calling is normal. But if you guys decide to R, then name calling has to stop. It does not help and erodes your self esteem even further.

Sunny,

Your Dday is so recent. Your BH is going to be going through all kinds of emotions. His heart has been ripped in to tiny little pieces. His pain is unimaginable.

Continue being honest and transparent, even if he is saying he doesn't want R. That could change. And regaining your honor and self respect by doing the right thing is important regardless.

NC has to be kept. Period. And if XOM attempts to break NC, you cannot respond with anything other than "Do not contact me again" CLICK. It doesn't matter if he's "worried" about you because somebody saw your BH going through your trunk. It doesn't matter if he's worried about you because you hung up on him. WHAT HE THINKS DOESN'T MATTER. You can get a RO on him for harassment if he continues.

If you don't mind me asking, why was an RO put on you?

HIPPYGIRL

Thank you for the words...I will continue to have no contact with XOM.You know I thought I was strong but now I have realized how weak I really am.Last night lying in bed all I wanted to do was scream.

The reason I have a RO on me is BS and I got into a fight and he asked me to leave,I did but I came back.I was mad.Very mad,I acually hoped that he would let me back in.

I tried to take our dog and get back in the house,he called the cops to scare me he says.I left, cops showed up seen he had a scratch and they have zero tolerance for violence therefore the RO.

T here wasnt any phsical violence between both of us,both pushed each other.

Sorry to butt in here, but pushing is physical violence. It may not be the most serious form, but it is a start, and it can escalate very rapidly from there.

I hope you both can control this aspect of things going forward. It leads to nothing good, and in the end, the momentary release of anger provides no relief.

YOU ARE CORRECT....it is violence.oh my god what have I become?

oh my god what have I become?

The same thing you have always been, human!

That was not a 2x4, just an observation. It is a natural instinct to lash out in pain or anger. It is a struggle to control it for everyone. I do not know how it all started, it is very hard to control these instincts, but the ability and desire to try is what raises us above the animals that share these instincts.

Edit: for some awkward choices of words.

[This message edited by aesir at 1:27 PM, June 3rd (Tuesday)]

Sunny,

Forgive me if you've said it and I missed it, but are you in any form of personal counseling right now?

hippy girl

yes I am, next meeting Thursday, seems like a 100 years away...lol

No more trickle truth from me, I need some serious encouragement.I am the one who had the affair ,I am the one who put our marriage in the state its in,I am the one who pushed my BS away not the other way around,the whole time he has been trying to make things better and I have been ignoring it,I am the one who started to try but stoppped.Now its all up to me to fix this crappy mess I have put us into.I am the one who needs to start all over again and damn it I WILL!!!

Did XOM tell your BH the truth about what happened between you? Is that what precipitated the "flipping out"?

hippy girl

I owe you a apology when you asked me this question.Yes that is why my BS flipped out.He talked to XOM and he told him the truth .I told BS that its was only once,but it was more than that.I am sorry but I am embarrassed by my actions.

thank you for understanding

It's okay sunnydaysahead, you can do this. All of us have been where you're at. I know it feels like you've made so many bad decisions that it's impossible to rise up. But all that matters is that you do rise up and do the right thing from here on out.

The right thing is, no more contact EVER at all with XOM. Complete and total honesty about everything that happened and everything that is currently happening. Complete transparency. And remorse, which it's obvious that you are showing.

I feel for you, I know you are trying to do the right thing, I can just tell. It's so hard to be honest when you're embarrassed about the truth. I am proud of you for coming this far. Believe me I was there-- the strongest thing I ever did was saying goodbye, for GOOD to XOM (actually just to myself, because we were in NC). It was very hard but it somehow made me feel strong and I gained from that strength day by day from staying in NC, because I knew that xOM was the BAD choice for me and my relationship and that I was doing the right, strong, hard, good thing by never ever contacting him no matter what. You can do it too. Hugs to you.

Sunny,

Don't you see that all of us here in WS have been in this same spot, done these same things? We aren't here to pass judgment on you but to help you. Sometimes we may seem harsh, but we know the medicine is bitter, but the healing is worth it.

Being honest is the first step. As hard and ugly as it is to face the truth, there is NO OTHER WAY to change for the better. Decide today, that no matter how ugly the truth, you'll tell it.

I do see that everyone here is in the same boat,I was just having a hard time letting go.I have been spending alot of time by myself and it has seem to help.

thank you for the support and understanding.

I didn't see a stop sign so I will ask a question. When was the last time you saw or spoke with the OM. Sort of like AA when was the last time you took that drug/drink.

I think she already said that she hasn't had contact with the OM since April.

Now that she is being truthful, I'm hopeful that things will improve.

NOPE broke contact last Saturday .Called him monday and hung up realized what a f!@$ UP I am.Told on BS yesterday,among other things that I had not and a now rewriting a NC letter.Starting again with step one BUT no F!@$ing around AGAIN.i AM GONNA DO THIS IF IT KILLS ME!!!!!

Sunny - my H has many "I don't remember" moments. I asked details and he gives me "I don't want to remember" - "I don't want to go back" - I think it's a self-preservation thing, not bad, just trying to protect your mind. I think BS (or at least me) think of our feelings throughout this and fail to see the WS's feelings. It's hard to see through tears and pain and see your tears and pain. It's almost like if I have true compassion for my WH's emotions, then I'm "oking" the A. I don't think that's entirely the truth but it may feel that way. You seem like you're on the right road. If you are truly sincere in wanting your M, I would suggest following all of your BH's suggestions/demands (if reasonable, of course). Good luck in this rollercoaster and journey. God Bless. He forgives all.

Sorry - realized I should probably not post in Wayward.

Sunnydays - if you want to know what i was going to say, i'm happy to pm you. otherwise good luck!

[This message edited by unholycow at 12:33 AM, June 7th (Saturday)]