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I'm so sorry,I just don't have the right words .

(((HB)))

(((((HB)))))

I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are feeling right now. I wish I could find words to ease your pain.

Please try and concentrate on you HB, you are an amazing person, and you will get through this, but you need YOUR space for YOU to grieve for your beautiful daughter. Please take care of yourself and your son, he really needs you at this difficult time, just like you need him.

You remain in my thoughts

LDM

[This message edited by LetDownMan at 6:47 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

((((HB))))

I am so very sorry. I hope you have someone that you can lean on; I know it is not going to be your STBXH. I feel I had no one to lean on when I lost my Step-DD. My H was not there for me and, in addition to dealing with my own grief, I had to watch my H become a suicidal drunk, all the while he was continuing his A, but I didn't know it at that time.

My H "woke up" on the day after D-day and for the first time since she died, he realized somebody else was hurting besides him. He has been there for me ever since, and we have survived this. It will be two years since her passing, in Sept. this year. I can't believe that much time has passed. I will say this to you and everyone. I think my H took this as hard as anyone ever could (unless the grieving parent took their own life as well and I'm sure that has happened, and my H came close to it) and he refused counseling and ADs. But yes, my H has survived this too. We both have. I hate saying the same old thing, but it takes time and it does get better.

((HB)) We love you here.

Like others have said, give the support group time. Also, find ways to keep Niki's memory alive. Talk about her. Deal with each emotion as it comes. Don't give yourself a timetable. Surround yourself with people who understand and support you because it can make all the difference in how you are able to cope as time goes on.

If you need anything, this family at SI is here to help you.

I'm so sorry I have no words of wisdom. All I have for you right now are hugs.

(((((((HB)))))))

(((((((HB))))))))

No words, just hugs, prayers and my tears with yours.

((((HB))))

((((((((HB))))))))))

I can hardly make myself respond to you now. The grief I feel for you is so overwhelming...and when I try to relate to you, it is so painful that I have to just step away. I have started so many messages - PMs, emails - and have just not been able to get through them.

You have suffered an unimaginable loss...a loss so tremendous that it is honestly going to be hard to get the kind of support you really need. I'm so very sorry, sweetie....

I wish I had different suggestions for you...something more than what the others have offered. I really wish I had a magic wand so that even if not powerful enough that bring that sweet little girl right back to you, at least powerful enough to rush you along to the point where the good memories begin to outweigh your grief.

That point will come...the point where the memories truly console you. But I doubt that your grief will ever really go away - it will only lessen, you will learn how to live with it. You will always miss Niki - always. And as the years pass, you will find her in each of them - what she would be doing if she were still here. But your spiritual eyes will develop - and you will see her in so many other ways. You will have moments with uttermost clarity that you know she is right there...and that will comfort you because that is the greatest source of your pain right now. You cannot see beyond what only your physical senses perceive - but you will. Soon.

You are in one of the most difficult places a mother must ever face - having her children separated and feeling like you so desperately want to be with both. You must travel that bridge for now, sweetie. You must find a way to exist in both of these realms - giving equal respect to both. That will come, too. It is not a calling that comes easily to us - particularly since it is now so easy to become grounded in only this physical world. But it is in all of us...even without the loss, we all still feel that spiritual calling. Why do you think so many of us consider suicide when our pain is so bad? We often say it is because we just want away from the pain - but the truth of the matter is that we sense that there is something more, perhaps - hopefully - something better. What we don't see is that we do not necessarily have to choose the one over the other...we can exist in both. You have reason and motive now to find that realization. And you will.

Your H. cannot give this to you - though I certainly understand your need to share your grief with him. I can see very clearly that he is handling his grief in his own way. It's just unfortunately that he historically has not been able to do that in constructive ways. I'm certain his greatest sense of duty is to you and your son - I really don't doubt that. But I think he feels that he is not enough to handle that - not before, and certainly not now. Rather than just try to give what he does have to offer (which is all you are really asking for anyway), he's avoiding. He's finding ways to pretend that neither of you exists. And rather than acknowledging (if he is even aware) that he feels like he is not enough, he is instead consoling himself with the thoughts that you are just too much. I'm sorry that he cannot seem to be there for you. I can certainly understand why the person you would most want to share your grief over the loss of this sweet baby would be the same person that you also shared your utmost joy with over her creation.

But there are people here for you, H. There are people who come to you every day in their thoughts...who bring you into their arms. I know because I am one of them. You may not see them, their words may not be audible but the spirit is there...it's right there.

(((((HB))))) My heart goes out to you.

-JD

HB,

I don't know what to say, either. Losing a child is an undescribable pain. As has already been said, it tests, and destroys, even the best of marriages. It's no wonder that it is harder for you, with a non-remorseful STBX. I am so sorry that you are dealing with all of this at once.

Please see if you can find other counseling and another group. It can make a difference if you really 'bond'. Right now, you may have a tendency to retreat even further into yourself, but this is when you need to reach out the most. You also need to be there for your S, but please do not discount your own need to grieve....

Hugs and prayers,

AD

(((HB))) I wish there was something I could do, but I know all I can do is tell you that I am here and I care.

(((hb))) I wish I had wise words of wisom to share with you, but all I have are hugs and prayers.

((((HB))))

You so don't deserve this suffering. You have so much to deal with that your jerk of a WH is not worth your stress.

I don't think you deserve to suffer through your searching. When you look, you will find stuff. It's true because he's a jerk and doesn't deserve you! Please don't search anymore. I hate to watch you suffer!

If you & DS need his support now, and that is so very understandable then you just let him stay for a while. If that's what you need to be okay, then don't worry about it but please don't find hope in a R right now. Know that your expectations (if you have any) will be a heart breaker on top of your grief so please don't just fall for him all over again. Keep what strength you can for yourself. He doesn't deserve you!!!

If you ever need to talk or just want someone to listen, please PM me. I will give you my number or you can give me yours.

You are so very cared for, so very loved. Please don't feel alone. I know it's hard.

(((((((((((HB))))))))))))))

I don't know what to say. I'm just wishing you so much strength and peace of heart.

Losing one of my children is my biggest fear. I simply can't imagine the loss you are feeling.

Is it possible to find a way to celebrate her life. Maybe set up a scholarship fund, or some sort of memorial. Turn this horrible tragedy into something positive. I think it's important to keep her memory alive for all of those that loved her so much. Get you son involved. I'm quite sure this whole thing is very overwhelming for him. Not just losing his sister, but dealing with the D also.

As moms we tend to put our energy into our families and forget to take care of ourselves. You have to remember to take care of yourself HB.

HB:

Your screen name is not in alignment with who you really are, a compassionate, empathetic soul and a child of God.

I feel so much for your pain. I remember reading of the untimely passing of your daughter. I can only imagine your grief of the loss of such a precious, beautiful and young soul. I'm sure she was your pride and joy.

Please take care of yourself. Be as self-nurturing as you can. Get a massage, take a bubble bath, caress your loving body with your tender hands, and hug your son and anyone else that loves you deeply. These connections will help you to become stronger.

Only time can heal the grief that you are suffering. Take it one moment at a time. Live in the here and now. When you're sad, remember the happy times you had with Nikki and pray for her, yourself and your son to get through this with grace and ease.

This is probably a very difficult time for you HB. Remember that your God is here for you and that as difficult as it is, everything happens for a reason. Those reasons we do not know and wonder WHY? I can only imagine your pain.

On another sad note, a work colleague of mine had two beautiful sons. Within a three month period between October and December she lost both of them. They were aged 28 and 24. Now she is deep in grief and sadness, nearly a care in the world. She has lost the two most precious people in her life. She questions why God did this to her and her husband. I can only say, that we don't know why God works in such challenging ways at times.

I remember when this happened how struck I was with her grief. I could not imagine what she had been going through with the loss of one child, then the other dies. Her heart must be terribly broken. I feel her pain so deeply sometimes I feel like crying, and that's not easy for me being a "hardened" guy.

Please when you are grieving pray for strength for yourself.

Love and light ahead for your healing journey.

LonelynLost

Ps. Edited for a few typos.

[This message edited by lonelynlost at 8:29 AM, May 9th (Friday)]

He told me that I don't know what lonely is and that he resents the time I had with the kids

What an ASSHOLE. He chose to ignore both you and the kids for cheap poontang. I hope the guilt of that haunts him for the rest of his life.

Few things in life are as painful as being cheated on. Losing a child, though? That makes infidelity look like a flesh wound. I can't even begin to imagine the crushing weight of grief you must be feeling.

I wish there was something I could say to make it all better just like that.

*hugs*

(((HB)))

(((((HB)))))

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain

Each loss we suffer has the capacity to call up all our past losses, magnifying the already devastating pain we feel. Its going to be tough for a while honey, so you must hang in there and live one day at a time. Or one hour at a time, one moment at a time. Whatever it takes to get through.

I understand your need to grieve with your H. After all he is her parent too and if there is one person in the world who can understand you it must be him. I wish he could be that person for you, but it looks like he is just not in a place where he can support you. I'm sure he is grieving in his own way, but he just can't be there for you for reasons that have nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. I'm concerned that you are exposing yourself to more hurt by turning to him. Sweetie what you need right now are people you can depend on. People who are steadfast and true, the ones who have been the mighty rocks in your life.

I wish I were beside you to give you a RL (((hug))).

Still thinking of you and praying for you.

I've been trying for the last half an hour to find the words to comfort you and now, 30 minutes later, everything I come up with just seems so inadequate. The truth is that I can't begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling. The loss you've suffered is unimaginable to me.

You and your son have been in my thoughts and prayers every single day, HB. I don't know if that's comforting to you, but I hope that it is in some small way.

I think your husband is a douchebag who thinks only of himself, even now.

I hope you know that we're ALWAYS here for you, to listen and to help you deal with whatever issues you have to deal with.

Thinking of you, HB.

(((((big BIG hugs)))))