SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Even though I was hurt by you,

This says it all. She is full of shit.

Tempus, I've just got to say that I think you are a very mature man, great husband and probably a terrific father.

I usually agree with most of the advice given here but I am not convinced that your w is all that horrible. Your dday was recent. Most of the R'd couples on this board didn't get a truly, 100% remorseful, perfect ws right out of the gate. It takes time for the ws to 'defog'. Time to realize that what they did was Horrible and they need to work their asses off to fix what is broken.

I understand that you wish you had done things differently. That is life for most of the bs's on here. Hell, I had two major ddays and lots of little ones in between. I wish I'd walked the first time and never looked back. But what's done is done.

I guess I just hope you don't decide that you should become less dependable just to show her who's the boss. I hope you don't compromise your own values just to feel a little better about her cheating. IMO you would feel worse than you do now. IF you feel she's full of shit, call her on it. If you feel she is laying the blame on you, don't take it. Marriage is work most of the time. You have children together and this isn't a game. Hang in there. Your family is incredibly lucky to have you.

I totally agree with wincing.

Find your inner strenght nad let her chase you.

Hanging there man

I am having a hard time understanding why you feel pathetic for having acted like a rational and dignified adult after your DDay. From what you described I think you handled yourself with class even though your WW was behaving like a completely selfish bitch.

I went nuts after DDay. I burned all of his shit. I got drunk in front of my teenaged kids and called the OW and cussed her out. I was so full of rage and pain that I was very vengeful. When I packed up the remainder of my WS's belongings (what I hadn't burned) and poured Nair in his bottle of Rogaine cream.

I had a lot to live down and I certainly am not proud of how I behaved...although the Nair thing was inspired creativity. You are a lot younger than me, but it sounds like you acted a lot more mature than I did.

wincing is so right.

I spent so much time and energy trying to prod my WS into engaging in our marriage. I was just constantly disappointed over and over again by his lack of compassion and ownership.

You detach and stop opening yourself up emotionally not to punish the other person but more to protect yourself from getting hurt over and over again...

Right now, future of our marriage could go either way and I am fine with that, I'm not fine spending the rest of my life in an emotionally unconnected marriage to be thrown aside again. I can't control him, I only control myself.

Someone else posted a great analogy, it went something like... Doc, this hammer I'm holding keeps hitting me in the head, it's the third one I've bought that's defective. Where can I get a hammer that doesn't do this? Sometimes detaching is taking the hammer out of hands and just working on ourselves instead of constantly focussing on the source of our pain.

I am sorry that you regret your vasectomy, but I also believe that everything happens for a reason, your fate may be to remarry, reverse the vasectomy and try to have children, or it may be to stay with your W, or be with someone who has kids.

Dignity... the way I regained mine is accepting I did nothing to lose my dignity, I gave the father of my children another chance, and if it wasn't for them, I would have been out of there so fast after the SECOND time. Do I have some responsibiity for the mistakes in our marriage, oh hell yes. Do I have responsibility in pushing him to cheat? Oh hell no.

Dude, if you want to feel like a total dumbass, go through this TWICE only the second time you have kids and breaking up a family is not so easy.

[This message edited by why2008 at 10:53 PM, February 4th (Friday)]

Evaluate her. Find her wanting. Allow this finding to sink in to your bones. You need not insult her or verbalize this at all. You will radiate "on notice" to her.

Often one partner sets the emotional temperature for the household and marriage. And, often, it's the woman. She should no longer be allowed to do this. Put one of those lockboxes on the thermostat like they have at the office. She doesn't get to control it. For one thing, she clearly uses her powers for evil and to talk circles around you. Stop tryin' to hear that.

right now you are surviving on the crumbs she's willing to part with and you are feeling grateful for them.

she's not working hard. at least not yet. this isn't what it looks like. she might, i'm not telling you to give up...but this isn't it. not even close. stop giving her passing grades for showing up and putting her name on the top of the test paper.

i've watched myh WH put out "some effort" that i've called and still call "trying very hard" - for 13 MONTHS...always trying to look for the brightside...let me tell, the only way you'll find brightside to this under these circumstances of R is if you shine a flashlight on her bullshit and watch all the misery scurry deeper into hiding.

she's not going to understand or change while she thinks she has you and you won't leave. i've learned that the hard way. they'll change just enough to make you feel lucky they are "trying."

bullshit. you don't try. you DO.

[This message edited by stretch13 at 8:27 AM, February 5th (Saturday)]

Your wife sounds like she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I am not a therapist and am not qualified to make a diagnosis, but her behavior and letter to you are shockingly selfish.

What comes through is a lack of remorse and a true lack of understanding of just how deeply she has devestated you. She sounds emotionally detached.

Even her ploy of sending flowers to the OM at home with that note so that his wife could find it seems really off and very manipulative. She could have just sent a note or called his wife and let her know. But flowers? That's drama.

I would encourage you to get some IC and to also look back at your marriage (before the A) to see if she fits the behaviors of someone with NPD. If she has always lacked empathy, the ability to accept responsibility, to always want to control everyone around her, and is willing to do whatever to get her own way (including lying, cheating, stealing) she may be a Narcissist. And the sad thing about a Narcissist is that they don't change. They don't do well in therapy. They can't accept responsiblity...literally don't have the capacity to do so. And if this is the case, you will have to decide if you can tolerate living the rest of your life with someone who can really only care about herself.

Tempus...

I guess I am of the minority here...

I think your wife is just broken... it took my H over a year to come out of the fog completely... and that was NC the whole way... so I can imagine that this is just the beginning of the road for your R...

Lay back and watch... if your wife is serious about R she will do the work whether you are happy, sad, mad... if she really wants this she will prove it to you...

but don't get down on yourself... you are one strong individual if you are still alive and kicking after all of that mess... don't let her turn this around on you.. you could have been the model husband but in her fucked up thinking she would have turned anything into reasons and rationalizations for having her A... don't be too hard on yourself!

SHE'S just a sucker with no self esteem...

(Love that song by the way )