SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This topic comes up from time to time and maybe it's just me in my strange little world - but I don't "get" this thinking and I don't "believe" in it. It's a nice thought, I'll give you that - but I think it's sheer curtain over reality.

You can apply this to friends and family - but what about the drug addict wearing revealing clothing in the food store that your husband looks at - do you think skank? Do you think OMG what happens to someone that they don't believe they are worth any better?

There were a million opportunities for other women to help me - and they choose not to.

I'm cynical - I get that.

I think if anything we should decide to live this rather then expect this - it could change the world.

i'm not saying it never happens, but I've just seen too many times it didn't happen.

Myheart, there should be a special hell for OWs who were as close as yours and you're right, she isn't worth your tears. While I don't believe there is a sisterhood, I do think it takes a special kind of evil to do what your OW did given your relationship. At least you know that wherever she is, she can't get away from herself.

Thank you. I really like that last part.

Sisterhood? I have that with just my own blood sisters .I use to be the friend that went above and beyond for my girls but after D-Day I am a different person I hate how this A had changed me but am I to blame my so called friend who Ive been there for her in good and bed at a personal level and professional one ,was there for her when she got married and when she had a baby ,pushed her to move up and helped her with interviews and what did I get in return ? She slept with my H just like that ,her answer when I asked her why ? Was : sorry it was a mistake . 6 months later her husband died overdosed and she dared calling me asking me to be by her side .my heart was thinking yes do it but I knew that deep down if i see her I will beat the shit out of the whore ! I mean seriously I so want to beat the crap out of her .so what am trying to get to is infortunatly sisterhood between friends don't exist anymore it's only a fantasy of childhood .

Tears of love... I think I understand what you are trying to say but as a BS that does have some opposite sex friends, I don't totally agree.

Granted they aren't close friends, 2 from work and 1 from previous job, 1 from previous life, but I do still occasionally catch up with them via text message or meet for a coffee.

Now before anyone jumps on me, I tell my spouse, always have.

I read him our text exchanges, always have. WS sometimes joins us, sometimes not. I am so happy to see them happy in their relationships, with their families and watching their careers take off ( one is a singer/songwriter). Never once, have any of these guys crossed the line with me. Never once have I felt the need to hide anything from my WS. Or have I felt uncomfortable or uneasy. If they ever tried anything, They know they would lose a friend....period!!!!

The difference is we only see each other as friends, and not as new friends and lets see where it will go after that.....so I do have to disagree. My WS also has had a few really lovely wonderful female friends that I totally trust him with. One recently passed away and I was more devastated than him cause she was a totally wonderfully totally trustworthy person. Never ever thought my WS acted I appropriately with them. I have been thinking a lot about this and maybe some WS can have some opposite sex friends, my WS is one of them, but he also knew which ones to cross the line with too....which ones he could do that with....

Smokenfire, sorry if I have hijacked your thread....

I totally agree with you about the sisterhood, my daughters have some fantastic women around them that would be there and protect them, look out for them.

Then there are the other group of girl friends that are not in that inner sanctum. The trust is not there, and everyone knows it....

Maybe there still is a sisterhood out there, but you do have to be lucky in the first instance and find it, and then you maybe have to work really hard at keeping it (not always in your control). But in general I think, it really has diminished. We compete for everything...we have magazines that give scores for how we look, when compared to each other. Our society is contributing to us turning against each other, so that there is a winner!! It's scary....

I know I never nurtured my relationships well with women (another story, violent controlling ex husband who kept me isolated from everyone), so I often wonder what it would be like to have a sisterhood around me. I have 1 female friend that I see once every 6 months, as I find the others I meet so bloody competitive, superficial and critical. I have learnt the hard way that female friends can let you down when you need them most ( daughter and I left in middle of the night with nothing after my ex H physically abused youngest D, and not one "friend" called me to see if we were ok...not one!!!!). But they are ex H best buds now... So yeah the sisterhood died well and truly for me.

I am jaded I know, but I now prefer mostly to meet as couples, maybe for an occasional dinner, and leave it as that. I don't do intimacy well with friends, I don't feel I have much to contribute when compared to all the rest..... So that's why the guys suit me well. We talk sport, careers, and make each other laugh and I don't have to worry about any bitchy shit behind my back.

So yeah, I totally get it...no sisters looking after my back.

Take care

Escapeartist,

It sounds like you apply a lot of the strategies in Not Just Friends with your opposite sex friendships (maybe without even realizing it). In that case, it works for you.

In our case, my husband is Mr. Nice Guy and doesn't understand when he's crossing boundaries. He isn't able to have female friendships or even make casual acquaintances and keep it that way because he thinks it's his job to make everyone else feel better about themselves and he ends up having broken women (who don't understand that he only said she looked pretty because she said she was fat or getting old) fall in love with him. Don't get me wrong, he does the same thing with men. But men don't take it the way women do and he doesn't recognize it when it's happening. Actually, that's not entirely true...I've had a few gay friends wish my husband was gay and tell me how perfect he would be for them...

The point is, my particular knight in shining armor isn't going to change. It's just who he is. He's always going to be a nice guy who tries to make people who feel down feel better. And really, I don't want him to change. But he can't be friends with women because the average woman can't just be friends with him. He's nice looking and a nice guy with a really good job. He's everything most of the women I know want in a man and a lot of them really don't mind stepping over my body to get at him. So we set up boundaries to include no female friends and ending friendships that are triggers. I do the same for him.

Tearsoflove...yeah I can see that not everyone can do this, and let me be totally honest too, I may be wrong....

I didn't think WS would step over the line with anyone, and do what he has done, so who knows, maybe no female friends would be better????

Maybe I will live to regret not putting in place what you have implemented, to protect us, but so be it... ...

Silly??? Maybe...., Dunno....

Am glad that the boundaries you have put in are being respected, and I am happy that it is working for you both. How sad it is that women can't take a compliment and just take it for what it is.... Isnt it sickening that there are so many desperate needy women out there that dont care about spouses. It really disgusts me...

My WS is like yours, successful job, handsome, sexy and nice to everyone. He is a KISA as well, and is finally beginning to see what he has lost. Too bad it had to go like this tho.....

I would love to feel confident that women will look out for me, like I do for them.

It's just common decency, not a man-grab!!!!!

Good luck

Take care

Not buying this at all; there is good and bad in the world; it's a fact of life. I have friends--male & female--who would drop everything and come to my aid if I asked, and I would do the same for them. I have very close family whom I've loved and cared for who wouldn't give me the time of day if my life depended on it. I had a husband with whom I had a life-long commitment; however life-long to him meant only about 30 years...

There was never a sisterhood or even a humanhood. It's your own personal story that counts, for better or for worse.

The piont of this thread that I was trying to make was this:

Yes, everyone makes choices as to who they are and what they do. We as women are the nutures, the heart of family, the care givers, the backbone of a family. If we stuck together alot of this crap would not happen. I am not saying it is all the OW's fault, what I am merly stating is if women didn't allow this for men to do and said "No, you are married and I am a woman and would never want that hurt" and walk away there would be less adultery. Now, that being said, I am not in lala land, I just stating that if we banded together like we are suppose to and looked out for one another then alot of this would not happen. The ones that are the WS same goes for them, we all now men prey on women PERIOD! Been doing it for thousands of years, If the WS woman saw through the OM that he was basically using her and playing with her before hand and had other woman say NO don't do it, it would not happen as much either, I believe women are evil when they think someone actually loves them and will do what they want and all that crap goes out the window.

All I was stating once again is if we as woman stand together like we do with breast cancer, aids, children, and other things, we would be better off against the war on adultery.

I totally get this, FWL. It was an area that I had a great deal of trouble with.

I had met OW once. I couldn't pick her out of a line-up. But I felt very betrayed by her, too. Not just because she was the woman that f*cked my H. But because she was a fellow woman...a sister, if you will.

I share your viewpoint - though it may not be realistic. And it was a big surprise to me to learn that not all women felt this same comradery - even though they may be women that still have the morals not to sleep with another woman's husband.

I can give you a zillion reasons why I would never sleep with a married man. Not the least of which being - I wouldn't do that do another woman.

I get your point.

Thank you truthsetmefree,

That is all that I was trying to really say. Finally someone gets it.

I dont' get it either...how women can do this to each other...and to children/families! It is totally mind blowing to me.

And those that have an A with a friend's husband or a neighbor...well that is just an extra special kind of bitch!

Fw/L,

I totally get your point, too.

I can't say I feel a 'comradery' with women. But, I wouldn't dream of hurting another woman...or anyone for that matter...the way an OW/OM consciously chooses. Nor would I take something that does not 'belong' to me or which belongs to someone else...and certainly not another woman's H. I see it more as a basic 'humanhood' rather than a 'sisterhood'. Like...do unto others as you would have them do unto you OR do not do to others what you do not want done to you. It's pretty basic, human decency stuff.

That's one thing...when an OW has no regard for a fellow adult...woman or wife. But, f'ing with someone else's children by f'ing with their father...thus mother...thus family, well, in my opinion, that is a most pathetic example of a 'woman'. And, if I ever have an encounter with OW in the future to where words are exchanged, that is all I will have to say to her..."Don't you EVER F*CK with my kids again." Hopefully within earshot of anyone who might be around.

That is the 'grudge' I hold against OW. Not that she took active part in f'ing with my life, but the fact that she didn't give a sh*t about children.

I felt that way about one of my FWH confidants. On dd I asked to talk to her on the phone, to explain why I wouldn't be at company dinner that night.

I was shocked to learn she knew all about the stripper, and told my H for yrs. it was ok to have a secret friend, as long as he didn't take it "too far". She'd had one for yrs. and her H is director of a marriage and family counceling clinic!

I had my H send her a business only NC letter, and she hated that.

I have to say that all the women that were fucking my ex husband for years and years and years definitely didn't think about my children, or me.

So, I understand the struggle to accept sisterhood, or fellow friend hood, or family hood or child-hood, mama hood, etc...

While he was out riding his roller-coaster of sex, each women (he claimed) knew he was married and had children. Supposedly none of them ever turned into an actual "relationship" so I am guessing that these women just thought of sex with him as "casual", and that my friends opens up a whole different can of worms.

Perhaps the bigger picture is how women view "monogamy".

We are a sisterhood here on SI.

And I will tell you what if I ever caught your OW in person I would slap the shit out of her, tell her about herself, and say it was for my sister and leave... lol.

And if your wh came on to me, he may get spit in his face and told to go home.

It is ironic to read this post about sisterhood when so much of the posting is about bashing those OW whores. That's me and I have been member on here for 4 years.

I am lucky that the women in my life have stood by me and forgiven me...my daughters, my sisters, my mother, my friends. Sisterhood isn't about being perfect.

Life is messy and imperfect. There is no line in the sand between right and wrong and many of the people who believe this use it as an excuse to treat others cruelly.

so much of the posting is about bashing those OW whores.

I don't understand why you feel you must defend unremorseful OW sluts. There are many, many, many OW's who are unremorseful and unrepentant and don't deserve anything less than bashing. This is where we get to do this. I can't do it IRL, it is great to be able to do it here with other BS's who feel the same way.

In time, a lot of BS's move on and feel no need to bash OW's anymore, doesn't mean they like them, but their anger for OW is spent. I think it is a step in healing for many BS's, onlysolution, that maybe you just don't understand.

eta: and that is the point, the OW's aren't part of the "sisterhood" as they broke the golden rule of being a part of the sisterhood.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 12:18 PM, May 17th (Thursday)]

I'll be honest ...

I don't think I have ever witnessed that so-called sisterhood.

I'm nearly 43 and I cannot remember a time when it was "us against them" and we went out of our way to not hurt one another.

In fact, I remember as a young girl and teenager feeling distinctly that women were out for number one and that they weren't above being sneaky, underhanded, conniving and manipulative to get it.

Maybe I'm simply not old enough. But I asked my mom (she's 70) and she doesn't really remember any such overarching sense of sisterhood either.

Now I think that there should be a code of honour wherein human beings try particularly hard to not harm other human beings. Sadly, that is not human nature.

[This message edited by SouthernGal at 12:04 PM, May 17th (Thursday)]

It is ironic to read this post about sisterhood when so much of the posting is about bashing those OW whores. That's me and I have been member on here for 4 years.

Ah...but those "OW whores" turned their back on the sisterhood...after trashing it...so you (general) can't expect the benefits of it when you aren't willing to honor it in the first place. Heck, not only not honoring it but actively spitting on it!

Life is messy and imperfect. There is no line in the sand between right and wrong and many of the people who believe this use it as an excuse to treat others cruelly.

Huh...and here I thought having an A was wrong, period.

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 12:17 PM, May 17th (Thursday)]

One of my FWH's OW didn't know he was married. We spoke the first night on the phone - and ironically, ended up trying to console each other.

For several weeks after that she called me. She was truly and deeply horrified that she had become a OW...and I do think she was genuinely concerned about me.

That's what I think of when I think "sisterhood". She was really off the hook from the beginning. She was innocent. But it was the feeling that she had done something so horrific to another woman - THAT was what kept her trying to make amends.

Now the "real" OW - the one that he worked with, who had met me, had seen pictures on his desk, met the children...she felt no qualms. The thought that perhaps - as a woman - I was just as unhappy in my marriage as she was in hers, that perhaps I also faced some of the same struggles of working, raising kids, feeling unappreciated, aging - she never related that.

That's what a sisterhood means to me. Whenever a guy hits on me, I immediately think of his wife - and feel sorry that she's married to such a shmuck. If he complains about sex, a messy home, undisciplined children - whatever he may be bitching about - I *immediately* wonder what he's NOT contributing.

I know that's not always the case. But experience has taught me that when men complain to other women about their wives, it's usually the man that's the problem.

It is ironic to read this post about sisterhood when so much of the posting is about bashing those OW whores. That's me and I have been member on here for 4 years.

With all due respect, I thought that FWSs and OPs weren't supposed to post on BS rants. Something about respecting the need to rant?

I understand that you are likely sensitive to criticisms of WSs and OPs. I also understand that you might well be remorseful.

Sadly, if you look around the majority of OPs are not remorseful. Hell, I'd say that the majority of WSs aren't remorseful.

That BSs feel that they were betrayed by both their WS and the OP is understandable.

If the topic is one of great sensitivity on your part, perhaps it is best to avoid it all together than to try to reprimand a group of BWs who are venting their frustrations?