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Agree with everyone, especially pmh @ dodging a bullet.

When she conflated being swept off her feet (Disney princess) with your acceding to her demands (becoming beta) - you see the trap?

That's a manipulative turn-around from a double-minded person completely in line with the blameshifting 'ending' (you're the bad guy, not ready, etc.)

Being alpha doesn't mean being an ahole, it just means being firm with your boundaries - which is your takeaway lesson from this after all. I hope each little slight or disappointment you feel out there in kissy kissy ahhshit land leads you to your inner core of strength.

Like the old saying:

If you were happy with the wrong one, just think how happy you will be when the right one comes along!

Keep minding yourself brother.

First, I'm really, really, really happy that you met someone that you had sparks with.

Second, from what you have described, she sounds...controlling?

There. Is. No. Way. In. Hell. I would introduce someone to my kids after 6 weeks of dating. Please, if she hasn't already ended it...YOU end it. This means that much to you, please do not compromise a core belief.

I'm going on second date this Friday, and we have already discussed that children will not be introduced for 6 to 9 months (not that I think this will go anywhere, we just both made it known what our views are on meeting kids).

This sounds like this is a case of "no kids" and simply not understanding, and maybe her experience may have been with men that didn't have that value. My WS introduced his boyfriend within a few weeks of them dating. I was furious and pushed the issue, told him they needed to date 6 months before introductions.

I haven't read all of the responses, but...if this means that much to you, she should be willing to compromise. It feels a little controlling, that you have to jump through her "hoops" as a requirement to date her.

She should respect this about you. It is a sign of a great Dad. And ultimately a sign that you would treat her the same.

((Once))

I'm sorry. I don't have children, and I think it's too soon after 9 dates.

Last year, I dated a man that asked me to meet his children after a month. I quickly declined, and told him why - that was also a difficult conversation.

Don't be too hard on yourself. I think that we learn something (good or bad) from everyone that we meet.

Be kind too yourself today.

I must know, and please be honest, was I off my rocker? She said she wants to be swept off her feet, not be presented with restrictions around who can know about the relationship.

Hell no you aren't off your rocker!

Personally, I think that the desire to meet someone else's kids that early into dating (can't even call it a relationship after just a couple of weeks) is a sign of insecurity and emotional immaturity.

You took the right stance, IMHO.

Our kids only get one shot at being kids. We adults ... well we get many many years to be adults and many many shots at dating and forming new friendships and relationships.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that you may have dodged a bullet here.

BUT - on the up side you've shown yourself a few important things.

1 - There are women out there who will like you - just the way you are.

2 - You've clearly learned how to loosen up a little bit and be more of yourself without the constant self-questioning.

3 - You don't seem to have been "over-thinking" so maybe you're learning to let go of that a little bit, too.

Chalk it up as a mostly win situation.

All because I couldn't communicate to her properly in a way that made sense to her that right now, my kids' stability is more important than anything.

That's bullshit. You communicated it clearly, Once. She just didn't want to hear it.

This isn't on you.

You did the right thing, and I have no doubt you did it in the right way.

This woman sounds, honestly, like someone who wants that "Insta-Relationship" just add water and stir then BAM you've got commitment.

She wants what she wants when she wants it. You ruined that by being an involved, caring, rational parent and now she's pouting.

Again, I'm gonna say that you dodged a bullet.

Give yourself a break about the exhausting conversation. It was exhausting, and you felt mealy mouthed because SHE wasn't listening, wasn't empathetic and was being selfish/purposely dense. So she hadn't experienced a man who protects his kids before? BFD. Surely she's heard of the infamous Dr. Laura who goes on and on and on about this. Even if you hate Dr. Laura and her opinions, surely you've *heard* about the idea that one shouldn't introduce kids to love interests that might be temporary because it confuses the children to become repeatedly attached to new adults only to have them poof from their lives.

I know that when I realize I'm not being heard, I tend to *try* harder to explain, trying to get the other person to *see* my POV, expecting the person to be empathetic like I am. Instead, I (& maybe you?) need to learn that when this happens that's an indicator that this particular person isn't for us.

But at least you got a kiss out of the experience

Once,

You are a great dad. Introdcing kids too early is never a good thing.

I'm going to give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she simply doesn't get it becasuse 1. She doesn't have kids and 2. She's met other men with poor boundaries and she thinks meeting the kids early on is normal.

HOWEVER, the key here is respect for your boundaries ...and yours were reasonable and fair. It's not as though you'd planned to never introduce her or to carry on a "secret" relationship for all of time. Sheesh!

AND, what about those other "relationships" where the guys had "no problem" introducing their kids right away. Where are those guys? Was meeting their kids early on an indicuation of their commitment? I think not.

I'm thinking this kind of control issue may continue to be a problem for her in future relationships. It's probably just as well (though I get that it doesn't feel that way right now ... hugs for that) that it's not with you.

You know what is best for your girls and you are right to stick to your guns about that.

Wolf

Sounds like she has some issues.

Life with someone that invested in getting her way AND who thinks in terms of rainbows and unicorns sounds like a lot like hell to me.

You dodged a bullet. Try to feel that.

Next.

You did Good!!!! Very VERY good!

You have a boundary. You stuck to it. Perhaps not as gracefully as you would have liked but you did it. Soooo many people can't maintain their boundaries in the face of the temptation of romance.

She needs to understand that keeping her from your children is not the same as keeping the relationship secret. The children might know of her but not actually meet her KWIM?

Her reaction is not good. I agree you probably dodged a bullet.

You did the right thing!

Oh my goodness OIAL, she is being very, very manipulative and you DEFINITELY did the right thing!!! There isn't a person out there that wouldn't tell you that it isn't prudent to wait to introduce your children. Having a monogamous/exclusive relationship is completely different than introducing your children! The involvement of children should only occur when you are getting to the point (imho) when you think you could be talking about marriage or a very long term relationship. In many cases, you can't determine this for several months. She is totally off her rocker if she thinks these are one in the same.

I have no idea what her "deal" is on this conversation whether she is just controlling, insecure, manipulative, uneducated about children/divorce... or what but there is no good answer. HOLD YOUR GROUND!

(Glad you had a good time for a while though!)

She said that the guys with children that she had dated before never had issue introducing her to their children at the beginning of their relationship.

As WhiteWolfWinning pointed out where are these men now? Hmmm?

One of the upsetting things is that I'm not good at making a case

Uhhhh...exactly why do you need to "make a case" with her anyway? That is a parenting decision.

She must have believed I was either completely out of touch with my own feelings, or that I was deliberately dishonest.

Or she was trying to manipulate you.

Also agree with JJCT that wanting to be swept off her feet smacks of skittle-sh*tting unicorn talk.

I made this mistake with my xww. She introduced me to SD very early. My gut screamed that was a red flag. Didn't listen because I was more worried how it would make me look. It clouded things with xww because I bonded with SD. My relationship with my SD is the biggest positive to come out of the M, but it has been rough on her.

There was something in the D forums once about thinking you need to come up with the right combination of words so your partner will understand you and be faithful, then realizing how inherently ridiculous that is. There is no right combination of words. The person you are with should want to understand you; it shouldn’t take great effort and skill on your part to get someone to consider your perspective.

Establishing a relationship before you try to establish a family is important to you, and for good reasons, not because you are new to dating or not properly healed. If anything people get more skittish about introducing new partners after multiple failed relationships where the kids are involved. Also, ick that she doesn’t worry about bonding with the kids and it not going anywhere.

So maybe you aren’t a match. Boo to that, but good on you for respecting your boundaries, and getting to a point where you can open yourself up to romantic interests.

Wow.

She really doesn't get it.

I do not have children, but if someone wanted to rush me into meeting theirs I would feel like that person was seeking an "instant family".

And so what if she's dated other dads who introduced her early......those poor kids. How confusing. To have this person in their lives for a few weeks and then BAM! gone, because maybe she decided she didn't feel the "real, true, exclusive committment" after all?

She sounds very immature, OIAL.

Good for you for being firm on your boundary.

I'm actually a little pissed off at her manipulation. She basically told you she'd only stop dating others and would take down her profile IF you introduced her to your kids immediately.

That's not "romantic". That's not being "swept off your feet". That's being controlling and manipulative.

This sounds like a person with the potential to think they should hold top billing in your heart over your children.

Last time I got swept off my feet, I landed on my butt.

Just wanted to add (((OIAL))) It sucks to be ready to be all in when the other person isn't. It happened recently to me and it stings like hell. I'm waiting for my old friend TIME to heal the pain. I hope you find healing soon too.

Every ending that has stung like this, has opened up new and better opportunities.

Ones i would be really upset to be missing.

Trust in the future. You are doing the right thing. If she doesn't respect you as a parent now, it will not get better.

Nope, I think you are spot on. I havent read anything other than your first post. She sounds a bit immature with the whole "being swept off my feet" thing.

Parents need to be respected for the choices they make regarding their children, she is not some special exception that gets early entry into their lives. I made my SO, now fiance wait an entire year and a half before I even introduced him to my son. And he understood* that. I waited even PAST when I was certain he was "the one", in order to protect my son from instability. He had seen enough of that from the ex.

If this girl can't understand something like that, then that is her problem. She needs to be more realistic.

*ETA - actually, he did not immediately understand, and he did feel like I was hiding him at first. I explained to him what my son had been through re: my ex (new intsta-family for 5 yrs, ex married the OW and had a kid, there was a stepkid too. Oh- and then another divorce and a new replacement family - new woman, two new kids to meet). I refused to add to that. THEN he understood. I did take some crap for my decision to wait that long, but whatever. So, yeah, it's not like it was completely simple, but the point being my SO did understand, and I had to awkwardly explain too. If it's of any relevancy, SO doesn't have any kids either...

[This message edited by dead_inside at 10:54 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

You did the right thing. I'm sorry you got hurt

RG

Huge hugs to you OIAL. ((OIAL))

I don't even have kids and I agree 100% with what everyone has already said. Also, I'm with itainteasy and I'm a little pissed for you. It sounds like SHE is the one who isn't ready for a relationship, and using this kids issue as an excuse, and I think it's terrible for her to turn it around on you and make you second guess yourself. They are your kids. What you decide in regards to them is your decision, period.

I know it's frustrating to meet somebody you think you click with and have something come up that derails it, but I think you did an amazing job here. I think you should view this as proof that there are people out there you can open up to, and consider starting a relationship with. And please, please stop beating yourself up.

This is GREAT news OIAL!

Do you realize what you've done?

You've found someone you wanted. You've been craving this for as long a year? Maybe more? Chemistry. Real passionate cemistry.

You had it. And then, when you were presented with losing it, all you had to do to keep it was break your boundary and introduce her to you kids.

And you DIDN'T! You held true.

Hold your head up high OIAL. You've done amazing things. It doesn't feel like it. Absolutely not. But just know. A person is out there for you. And that person WILL understand your child boundary and it will be great.

So in a nutshell, she wanted to be 'important' enough to you to be introduced to your kids, and yet YOU werent important enough to her to discontinue dating other people? Self-absorbed much?!

I agree with the previous posters. You dodged a big bullet. Keep your boundaries. You'll never regret standing firm on those, but I can guarantee you'd eventually regret letting someone push past them.