SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And now with Obama Care, can't everyone get affordable insurance?

Health care reform doesn't go into effect until 1/1/2014.

But here's the rub for me. Perhaps someone has their understandable reasons for staying married. I get that. I didn't file for divorce because my ex was giving me way more money than I was going to get during a divorce proceeding and afterwards.

But, to me, that really makes a person undesirable from a dating standpoint. I wouldn't have even tried to date during that time period.

I guess it's each to his own. But I just cannot see myself feeling comfortable dating someone who is still legally married and hasn't even filed, no matter what their reasons.

I'm reminded of a man who was on line, whose profile I read. This dude said he'd been separated for 10 years and had no plans to divorce because his wife needed the health insurance. WTF? He's got bigger fish to fry than finding dates. Hell, if he cares enough about her to provide lifetime health insurance to her, he needs to be with her.

I guess it's each to his own. But I just cannot see myself feeling comfortable dating someone who is still legally married and hasn't even filed, no matter what their reasons.

I would have said the very same thing at one time. But I can honestly say that I don't have the same respect for the institution of marriage as I once did. Marriage didn't keep my WXH from straying. It doesn't seem to have much effect on whether one remains faithful or unfaithful. My SO being unmarried or married right now does not seem like it will be any indicator of our future together. Call me jaded. I am. That's why I posted this. I feel like I should care that he is still technically married. But I don't. I just wonder if I am the only one who feels like I do. Based on these responses, there is no universal answer.

Divorce is costly; only the lawyers come out ahead. Lack of health insurance causes people to lose their life savings. Is it worth thousands of dollars to have an "official" paper declaring you are recognized as divorced by the state? Does it really matter? Sigh.

I'm a pragmatist. Some would call it cynical. Getting married again is not my goal. If I do, it will be for practical purposes. Honestly, I can take it or leave it.

[This message edited by HappilyUnMarried at 7:51 PM, March 7th (Thursday)]

I understand the jaded part. But that's why I couldn't do it. I'm jaded in that I wouldn't believe there isnt more to the story. I'd be thinking, "He says it is health insurance, but is there more to the story?"

I just wouldn't feel comfortable with it. I couldn't even ask someone to overlook it if it was me who still had the situation. I just think people should get their house in order before they go knocking on someone else's door. At least start the process.

The actual process of wrapping up the details brings up a lot of emotion. It can be a game changer. I would not want to be involved with someone who hasn't competed that process. It's not over until its over. IMO

The actual process of wrapping up the details brings up a lot of emotion

For some, yes. For some it's just paperwork. I think you have to look at it on a case-by-case basis.

On January 1, 2014 he will be able to buy health insurance through either a state or federal exchange. He might also qualify for a premium subsidy.

The health insurance issue will no longer be an issue on Jan 1 and if he can get an agreement in a divorce settlement that she buys him out when she gets her inheritance, then there is no reason to stay married to her, is there?

I don't want to get married again, either. Your relationship with him is quite new - same as mine. My advice would be to protect your heart and see what he does. I'm following the same advice for myself

Happily, I think you should cease being concerned with what your friends think about your s/o's marital status. If his marriage status doesn't concern you, it's not a problem.

When you're 30, finances aren't that significant. Twenty years later, finances are important, a wrong decision here or there can have long term effects, especially where retirement and health insurance are concerned.

I also do not necessarily judge when someone says their marriage was dead that it's WS speak. People do stay in dead marriages where both spouses agree the marriage is dead. They often decide in their judgment it is best to continue the marriage until the children are in college or have graduated. It's their dead marriage, they get to decide when it's best to end it.

I have friends who currently continued their dead marriage until the last kid was a sophomore in college and the other two had graduated. In their judgment, that would be the best time to separate. It's been an year since they separated, they have yet to file for divorce because in their judgment it isn't beneficial financially for them to file at this time. They have an agreement as to when it will be financially beneficial to file and end the marriage.

I have another friend who has been legally separated from her husband for several years. She has no plans to ever divorce him. He is over a decade older than her and she wants his retirement and health benefits. She has been living with her s/o for several years. Financially it is to her benefit to stay married to her husband and she has no desire to marry again. The situation works for her and both her s/o and husband have no issues with it.

What is important is that both spouses are living separate lives, the divorce decree is only paper. Paper does not sever emotional attachments.

Happily, in the situation you have described, your s/o and his spouse have detached from the marriage. They have agreed upon financial conditions that have to be met before they dissolve the marriage. In your position, I wouldn't be urging him to divorce because other people think he should be. If they're still married five years from now, that's another situation. I don't think it's unusual for spouses to separate and based on financial reasons and health insurance take an year or two before they file the settlement with a court and divorce.

[This message edited by Matisse at 3:26 AM, March 8th (Friday)]

The thing about dead marriages is, it is sooooo wrong to say you stayed for the kids.

No one with half a brain will appreciate being blamed for being the reason their parents didn't move on with their lives.

Kids know if the marriage is dead. It's surely harder on them than seeing their parents do something already about the sad state of affairs.

A divorce doesn't have to mean children are uprooted. They can stay in the marital home. The home can be sold later.

I just think it's indicative of a level of unhealthy passiveness to stay in a situation you believe is dead. Revive it! Get out! Just do something already! If you hate your job, get a new one or start the process of doing what you need to do to get a new one.

But, for f*ck's sake, if you decide to stay firmly rooted in a situation you are not happy with, doing nothing to change it, don't BLAME your kids, in some sort of twisted attempt to look like a martyr.

I am going to be "technically married", maybe that's why I don't have a problem with this. My main reason for staying married, health insurance, would cost me $400 a month. If for some reason STBX gets a bug up his ass and files for dissolution, I will have to deal with that, but like Jack Klugman and his wife who stayed legally separated until her death 27 years later, I don't assume being separated rather than divorced is a big deal.

In fact, part of the reason my STBX is staying S rather than D, is because he's kind of a pushover and would get roped into marrying someone else. Saying we're still married helps him to have a built in excuse not to get trapped into another unwanted marriage. Not me, but his 1st M was kind of like that.

I have recently started dating a new guy and he is also separated, with a divorce coming any day now maybe, but if it doesn't I am not really concerned, and I don't think I need to speak to his estranged wife or his kid. They are living in separate homes, share custody...definitely separated. If he suddenly told me for some reason that they decided to stay separated instead of D, I wouldn't stop seeing him for that reason alone.

This dude said he'd been separated for 10 years and had no plans to divorce because his wife needed the health insurance. WTF? He's got bigger fish to fry than finding dates. Hell, if he cares enough about her to provide lifetime health insurance to her, he needs to be with her.

Or maybe, like me, she left him. Not trying to single you out, but because this is my exact situation, I am using it as an example. You never know the whole story of someone's life/marriage unless you are intimately involved in it. If my STBX ever felt he needed to be with me because he cares enough to provide me with insurance, he'd be reminded very quickly that I don't need or want to be with him.

Slight t/j: who are all these people eligible to stay on the spouse's health plan while separated? WH and I are working on a legal separation, and once that's signed and sealed, I can't be on his plan any more. This is upsetting as his plan is far superior to mine. Maybe his plan is stricter than most?

What actually matters here is how you feel about this. Everyone has their own opinion as you can see here.

If you are comfortable with it and it isn't bothering you, then don't make an issue out of it. If you start wanting something more serious and you two start talking about engagement, then it becomes an issue.

You are only in this new relationship 3 months at this point. You say you are having fun. You say you are both honest, and his son knows. If his son knows, I am sure his separated wife knows.

My 2nd marriage took 2 years to get the divorce. I wanted the divorce immediately, but the psychoX fought it in court and got continuation after continuation. He did it to wear me down. Everyone has their own personal reasons for getting a divorce quickly or waiting a while. Let time play out on this one if you are okay right now and just see how things go for a bit.....

I can't think of any reasonable explanation for TEN years. And in his profile, he was snotty about it. "If you have a problem with it, leave me alone" kind of snotty.

You are right that unless you are one of the partners, you can't really know. But I can still have an opinion about it. Can't I?

Rough road, it's probably because you are getting a legal separation.

who are all these people eligible to stay on the spouse's health plan while separated?

I'm not sure why it's okay while separated, but the way it was explained to me, once we are divorced, it's actually against the law for his employer to cover me.

You are right that unless you are one of the partners, you can't really know. But I can still have an opinion about it. Can't I?

Of course you can have an opinion, but your statement was along the lines of; if you care so much, you need to be with her. That struck a nerve with me because as the "her" who was cheated on repeatedly, and verbally and emotionally abused, the absolute last thing I want is for someone to tell my ex that his desire to keep me on his insurance to help me financially, and by extension our children, means he should get back with me. :::shudder:::

But, stillstrong, if that help went on for TEN years, with no end in sight, don't you think it would be weird?

My ex husband helped me too. But honestly, if I'd met him while he was doing that, no way would I have dated him. And if I was a man, I wouldn't have dated me either.

I just think it's indicative of a level of unhealthy passiveness to stay in a situation you believe is dead. Revive it! Get out! Just do something already! If you hate your job, get a new one or start the process of doing what you need to do to get a new one.

But, for f*ck's sake, if you decide to stay firmly rooted in a situation you are not happy with, doing nothing to change it, don't BLAME your kids, in some sort of twisted attempt to look like a martyr.

In my friends situation, they tried MC for several years. I think it was through MC that they finally concluded that they would separate after the kids reached a certain age.

I do not think they made this decision because one or both wanted to be martyrs or were in some way blaming the kids for not divorcing earlier. It was their judgment that continuing the marriage temporarily was best for the family as a whole. I don't necessarily agree with that, but then, I'm not in their shoes am I?

Not all dead marriages are acrimonious. They can be quite functional and serve a purpose. If both spouses realize the marriage is dead and decide together to divorce at a future date when they believe its best for their children, I see nothing wrong with it.

Nor do I see anything wrong with spouses separating, moving on with other partners and delaying or foregoing a divorce because of health insurance or other financial reasons. If the separated spouses and their partners aren't unhappy with the situation, I can't see any reason to judge just because it's not a scenario I'd want.

Happily, do what is right for you. What the rest of the world thinks is irrelevant. We're not in your shoes and only you can judge if his separation indicates that he and his wife are divorced emotionally and he is capable of building a relationship with you while lining up his ducks for divorce.

I think every situation is different. I'm in my 3rd year of separation now, it is purely for health insurance. It DOES bother me, but when I start looking at $800/month COBRA payment, I stay married (it is free for him to carry me). I'm a full time student and I've had health problems...plus I don't want to lose my doctors or my IC, which I will when I make the change.

Will it be emotional to finally end the marriage? Hell no. It will be a relief. I've done the emotional work, my "marriage" is a piece of paper holding my health insurance.

BTW, separation, at least in my state, isn't a "legal state", you are married. For taxes, health insurance, etc, you are either "married" or "not married". Therefore, while separated, you qualify for everything a "normal spouse" would because you are still "married", which is a legal state.

I'm late weighing in here, but I am in agreement that say that there are plenty of reasons people stay legally married even if they really WANT a divorce.

I am the one that initiated the split with my first husband. We were separated for five years before I got my divorce. We had a custody agreement filed in court, which stood as a legal separation (in MD though it was called a "limited" divorce). We both moved on with our lives, dated, etc... but for some financial reasons and DEFINITELY health insurance reasons, it worked for us.

The only reason I pushed for the final D was because FT gave me an ultimatum about it, after dating about 7 months. I don't disagree with his feelings, but in hindsight his "Christian" reasoning is just funny.

I had no idea so many people were married for financial reasons only. Or were staying in dead marriages because that was the best thing for their kids.

Funny, but when the subject is divorce, everyone chimes in that divorce is better for the kids than staying in a bad marriage. But when the subject is staying in a bad marriage, suddenly it's understandable that people would remain married for the kids only.

Whatever.

I just know that if I would never date someone who was still legally married. If it was because of health insurance, I'd be petrified that if they liked me, it was because of my excellent plan and not because they really liked me.

And if some dude told me he stayed in a marriage for his kids, I'd be running the other way as fast as I could. I like people who take responsibility for their lives. And it does feel like they are blaming their children for their inability to do that.

But that's just me. And I guess I march to the beat of a different drummer.