SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

I am very leery of this post, for I fear I will invite flaming, anger, or at best, additional frustration. But i want to take this risk, for as always I look to you for understanding as my support group--even while absorbing and appreciating your 2x4s.

My confession: my wife and I decided to separate--and to shelve divorce for now. I must be honest with you even if most of you believe I am not being honest with myself.

We thus did NOT tell the children we were divorcing. Again, we did NOT.

We told them we were separating--living apart again. They did not ask if we were divorcing. If and when they do, we will be honest: "We don't know." And this is and will be the truth. It's the best we can do. And we will follow up with assurances and love as best we can.

Our coparenting schedule is on place and they are ok with it.

We hope this will not damage them with false hope. But this is the reality: we are just not ready to take that step.

What was ultimately preeminent to both of us is that we must separate. Immediately. For everyone's sake. And we have. And my determination to have limited NC and 180 remains.

We did not even necessarily decide to shelve divorce out of a conviction that there is a substantial chance that we will reconcile. Maybe there is a slim chance in hell that we will. Time will tell.

Again, neither she nor I are prepared. I said cuttingly in one,of my previous posts that my wife said she "is not prepared emotionally for divorce," indicating sarcastically that, well, I am.

The truth is that I just am not. I am not prepared to dismantle our life at this time. If that makes me weak for awhile longer, so be it. If it makes me a doormat for awhile longer, so be it. I just can't do it--at least right now. I need time to heal through NC and 180. Regardless of whether this heals me for divorce or reconciliation.

What this means for me: I am taking a huge risk on my mental health again. I know this. Hence my absolute resolve to NC and 180 this time. I am taking that risk.

What this means for her: if she wants to continue her affair, she will. I can't control that. She continued it while we were together and she is just as free to continue while we are apart. I am moving with the assumption that my marriage is over. I am determined to reach indifference to her actions. Will she think, ok, I can continue to cake-eat, since he backed off of divorce? Probably, at least subconsciously. But my NC and 180 should help with this. Not help her, but me.

We are two adults. We are making our decisions. But we have children, yes. And this is what is most important. So what does this mean for them. We discussed this. If we had told them we were definitely divorcing and then did not, as we both suspected would happen, then it seems to us the lesser of two evils would be to tell them the most truthful thing we could--that we were simply separating.

The false hope of telling them we were divorcing then didn't would be more damaging than telling them we were separating and then divorced. Maybe our reasoning is skewed. But it is the best we could do, as we realized we simply do not want to divorce at this time.

Again, the crucial thing is that we separate. The kids were upset, but did not have false hope--even though this is,the second time around.

I have read many members' narratives. Some mirrors ours: they separated more than once (with children), and ended up divorced. But some ended up reconciled. And some even divorced and then reconciled. I do not want to go this route--to dismantle our life through divorce, put our kids through that, only to remarry. And maybe even divorce again.

And I also have read narratives that state that divorce was approached numerous times--only to be shelved, with varying outcomes, both divorce and reconciliation.

I guess we are thinking, "it's not over till it's over." And despite everything, it is just not over. Maybe I am still deluded. Maybe she is. Quite probably we both are.

Please believe me once again when I say we are always thinking of,our children. And right now we are sure of only this--that we had to separate.

I sincerely hope for some understanding of our decision.

Thank you for continuing to care. I am so sorry to have misled you all.

I click "Post" with great trepidation.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 11:49 AM, May 17th (Friday)]

So you and your WW are separated..but basically in limbo..and your kids are in limbo also.

I remember when my parents separated when I was about 7-8. They were separated for a few years before they divorced..because my mom was having an affair. I can tell you,that that 7 year old little girl pretended to be ok in front of her parents because she didn't want to cause any more problems,when clearly there were already so many problems...and that little girl prayed every.single.night."Lord,please,please,please have mommmy and daddy get back together,please I'll be really good,just please."

I said that prayer into my teens.

They never got back together.

It was Hell.

Are you in IC,Dad? You need to be..you need to get stronger..so you can lead your children out of this Hell.

Lather, rinse, repeat. Please don't continue to justify your decision with "we are always thinking of our children". You may be thinking of the children, but the two of you are still thinking of YOURSELVES first.

Seriously?!?

You are hurting yourself and your kids over and over. Allowing her to have the best of both worlds.

Get yourself in IC, and if you are in IC then you need to either get a new one, or up your visits, and listen to the help they are trying to provide you.

You need to go back to work. You need a purpose in life, and not focus all of your energy on this F'd up relationship.

Then what should we have done if we do not want divorce at this time but had to separate? What would have been the best approach for the children? What?

What this means for her: if she wants to continue her affair, she will. I can't control that. She continued it while we were together and she is just as free to continue while we are apart. I am moving with the assumption that my marriage is over. I am determined to reach indifference to her actions. Will she think, ok, I can continue to cake-eat, since he backed off of divorce? Probably, at least subconsciously. But my NC and 180 should help with this. Not help her, but me.

Dad - as a fellow "Dad" and my close friends can tell you here, I went from D-Day to D in about 9 months. Did I want to get D after D-day - No. I wanted to R. But while she told me it was best for us to R, she continued with the A. The same thing you are living with. She will cake eat. Now I am one month past D and I am still not at indifference. But with the D in place I am moving towards that. I feel moving towards it much better than if I had just stayed S. Just my two cents for you.

And you will fall off the NC train. I still do it. I held everything in so tight during the D because everything I said to her resulted in threats to go to attorneys for more. Once I got my D I unloaded on her. The 7 months of bottled emotions came rushing out. In time I expect I will no longer respond. As a matter of fact most emails and texts I don't answer. But every once in awhile I get something that pushes a button and I fall off the NC train. It's okay to fall off once in awhile. Just make sure you get back on.

The false hope of telling them we were divorcing then didn't would be more damaging than telling them we were separating and then divorced.

One day you'll read this and realise just how ridiculous it sounds. It's up there any of the cliches a WS will come out with.

It's your kids I feel sorry for. Now YOU are using them as an excuse and protesting that your actions and your wife's are in their interests. The poor little buggers are the victims in this sorry game the two of you are playing whilst both of you are saying it's all for them. It's tragic.

What would have been the best approach for the children?

I don't think people are wondering that right now as much as hoping that you would WANT a divorce from her.. The suggestions for IC and to gain strength are so you can decide correctly here.. Her emotional health? Who cares?? She is NOT thinking of or considering yours. Do what YOU need to do for you and your kids..

I will stop posting on the site until there is final resolution one way or another: D or R. I am sorry to take up so much of everyone's time and I thank you for everything. (Not said sarcastically). I wish everyone the best in their own struggles.

[This message edited by Abbondad at 1:21 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

Hi Abbondad,

I tolerated a lot of crap from my FWW during the period when we were "not divorcing", but I cannot imagine being in a mode of not divorcing while she were still making up her mind about her OM, or using me as a plan B in case things with the OM did not work out.

This is not a risk free gambit on your part, in addition to the disruption and uncertainity to your kids.

Since there is no legal separation here in Florida, you could (will?) be on the hook for debts incurred by your WW. Should she become injured and unable to work you may find yourself on the hook for significant spousal support in Florida.

Divorce takes months to process and complete, and can be stopped at anytime with concurence of both parties. With your present course you are simply holding yourself and children in limbo while you enable you WW to continue to do damage to herself, her relationship with her children, and to you. By choosing this lesser action, I believe that you will make an already unlikely chance to R impossible. There will simply be too much additional damage and betrayl. Many BS overcome the A crap to R. It is ususally the on-going crap after dday that kills any chance of R.

ETA: I see we cross-posted. Best wishes to you AB

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 1:24 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

We told them we were separating--living apart again. They did not ask if we were divorcing. If and when they do, we will be honest: "We don't know." And this is and will be the truth.

It is said that the truth shall set you free. IMHO, in this case it shackles your children with an uncertain future and a limbo not of their choosing.

I get what you are trying to do by clinging to this cliffs edge with bloody fingertips. I continued to fight for my M(first) all the way through the final state supreme court ruling. I had hopes of R right up until the final custody decision.(I won at all levels) At that point she finally realized the true cost of her A, she decided to "give R a chance". I was an idiot.

The time and effort I put into fighting a non remorseful WW was wasted effort. I should have been putting the time into fixing me. I could have been a much better parent to my child and a much healthier me had I done so. Instead, blea. I let my child suffer right there along with me as I always clung to the mantra "where there's life, there's hope". In one aspect, I was right. There was/is hope. A better life did await. But because I wanted a M for my son so badly, I couldn't see that life without his toxic mother was actually better for him.

My situation was somewhat unique. She had a child from her first marriage and she thought that guaranteed her custody of our S. The court actually split the siblings.(I tried, but bio dad of then SD wanted mom to keep custody). The result? My son is set to graduate college a year from now. Good prospects ahead. My former SD, she did graduate college, but currently has 3 DUI's, is mostly unemployable and is back living with her mother.

You provide the environment for the kids. Your decisions. I would just ask, what is it about this woman that keeps pulling you back in? I get the guilt over the initial proposal and subsequent results, but really?

It's NOT your fault. She's a big girl now. All the FoO issues, all the subsequent fallout, Ok. That was then, this is now. I am not callously dismissing them and saying they have no influence on current behavior, but I am saying they can no longer be used as an excuse.

180, N/C. Get strong and do what YOU know is the right thing for your kids and for you. You know them best. We are just trying to help.

Strength brother

ETA I hope you do keep posting and reading. I am open to PM's if you would ever feel the need.

[This message edited by 5454real at 1:32 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

Since there is no legal separation here in Florida, you could (will?) be on the hook for debts incurred by your WW. Should she become injured and unable to work you may find yourself on the hook for significant spousal support in Florida.

I'm in Florida too, and I agree 100%. At least get your ducks in a row and protect yourself.

Good luck Abbondad. Hugs.. Hope you find your way back..

I really don't know what all this negativity is about.

I think you did what you know to be true.

At any point when a couple separates....do we really know that it will end in divorce? I think it's a process and everyone is unique in how they go through this process.

In my case, we did separate after d day. For 1 whole year. My kids were 3, 5, and 7 at the time. We told them together. We drew up a schedule. They were sad. But the schedule and knowing that both mom and dad loved them really helped. I didn't know (at that time) if we were going to D. I just knew that we couldn't live together anymore. That's all I knew, amidst all the crazy drama and chaos. My life as I knew it had ended. I was crazy with being on the roller coaster. I would have NEVER told my kids that we were going to D unless I KNEW in my heart that it was what I was going to do.

So, I see your decision as a very reasonable one.

In my story, we did R, not D. But we went through an entire year of S, living as co-parents, using a schedule, child support etc. We acted, in every way, as if we were a D couple who were co-parenting. I did the 180 to a tee.

Hoever, in my case, he had completely left the A in every way. He was not cake-eating, so I know this makes a whole lot of difference.

You are doing what you think is best. Just make sure that you are being realistic, rather than hopeful.

I sometimes find that the responses that you get...are rather harsh. It's almost as if the posters want you to "join their camp". That makes me sad for you, b/c I know you are doing the best you can and we all forget that this is a process that takes time. Nobody SHOULD dissolve a marriage/union without due care and attention, especially when children are involved.

Btw, I am a professional mediator by trade, so for me, it was easy. I drew up the agreement when we S. He kinda knew that i was going to, so no real disagreement on his end. lol

You are doing fine Dad. Keep it up. Just make sure to keep going forward with no blinders on. Stay focused.

SS

I guess we are thinking, "it's not over till it's over."

No, that's what YOU'RE thinking. She's thinking how great it is to date, have boyfriend and a husband waiting in the wings until she is done dating, if that ever happens, because, honestly, why would it? I love to date and have a husband, especially now that it was done to me.

I hope you're still reading. I understand you are afraid to keep posting as we all kind of jump on you. It's just that sometimes it's easier to see what is happening for us than you, since you are in the midst of fresh emotional trauma.

You're an adult - if you can live with a cheating wife, so be it. It's your kids who are paying.

My parents nearly got divorced when I was 15. It nearly killed me, the back and forth and not knowing. I moved out as soon as I could. They stayed together, but that really didn't help at all after years of limbo.

I take it your parents never divorced, since you seem so removed the how painful this is for your kids.

[This message edited by sudra at 1:48 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

There are risks in everything we do. There are risks in the path you are choosing but it's your right to choose that path. Even if you don't post, I would suggest that you lurk and keep reading. Get really good at the 180 and NC. If you can keep it up, eventually you will be strong enough to make a decision. Also start living your life again. Get back to work and stop focusing on the shitstorm as best you can. Focus on you and your kids. Go out and have some fun. 180 and NC seems lonely but the loneliness is us forgetting that we are responsible for our own happiness. So don't sit in the house being sad for too long. Get up and go out and live your life. Give yourself permission to live and be happy again.

I get it man, I truly get it. As I said before it took me over a year to get to a point I could make a decision. I don't think it will take you that long. If you stick to the 180 and NC you will get there soon enough. Eventually the NC let's you see exactly what you have been dealing with for so long.

ATS brougth up a good point about the debt. My WW stopped her A but resorted to spending money like crazy to fill the void. I got lucky as we each took responsibility for our own debt in our agreement. Make sure you seperate finances and bills and such. You don't want to end up with a several thousand water, power, or credit card bill or whatever in your name 6 months or a year down the road. When and if the collectors come calling you want to make sure you aren't responsible if at all possible. Protect yourself financially like making sure you have seperate accounts and no joint credit cards etc. Use this time to truly get some distance and detach. I wish you the best.

ETA: I commend you for continuing to be honest in your posts about your situation and your feelings. When I was in the space you are in I couldn't do it and left the site to return later. Do what you can when you can. This place really is a good place to figure out how to survive infidelity. For some of us it just takes/took a little longer, myself included. So continue moving forward and don't look back. Focus on the 180 and detaching.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 1:54 PM, May 17th (Friday)]

I drew up the agreement when we S.

That's what's wrong with Florida. There is no legal separation. Just want to add, she could *legally* get a credit card and max it with vacations and dinners, etc., with this clown, and you WILL owe half of it.. It would be nice to think she would never do that, but what else has she done you wouldn't have imagined her doing?

I think your decision to separate is a good plan. You can file divorce when you feel it is necessary. Note, I said when you feel it is necessary. Not on anyone else's timeline.

I applaud you for doing what YOU think is best for your children. There needs to be more fathers and mothers like you.

Here is how I feel about your original question. I would make myself scarce while they speak to their mom. If trapped, I would just say loudly "nite Mom" and walk away. She will hear the shout out. Do this with a smile.

Your children will get the message eventually. They probably understand more than you think they do right now.

Keep on doing the good walk. Take the advice you need, and ignore the rest.

OK. So you are separating. What does that mean to you? And I am asking with very heartfelt intentions. Truly. No way of doing this is right or OK or good or perfect. You are plodding your way thru your emotions and for some reason you cannot go from 0-60 right away. Some can and some cannot.

But I WILL say that separation needs to have its own rules in play. And they need to be done in such a way that helps you. Meaning if or when or ever you 2 get back together, what will have changed? Do you want to be the same person? Do you want her to be the same person? Because guess what? You won't. Nothing will ever be the same. So I hope you are taking this S as a tool for you to get as much help as you can to find the man who is buried way down deep underneath a pile of shit at the moment.

I went thru a 6 mo. separation, but where we were TRULY separated. And it ended up being the BEST thing I ever did for me. I faithfully went to an IC once a week for quite awhile. That was absolutely the best thing I did...and I did it for me. And we did not talk every day and we did not text and I did not want to email him or listen to his voicemails. I learned to live my life again on MY terms and it took months to find that woman again.

I feel very strongly you need this. I know from all your posts that you both love your kids but this isn't really about the kids if you are really honest. This is about you not knowing how to live your life without this dysfunction all around you. I get that, I do.

My H and I are now back together for now almost 8 yrs. But it would never have had a rats chance in hell if I had not truly detached myself from what I thought was "love" and learned to find out how to love just me again.

I truly hope you find that for yourself, whether you get back together again or not. Your kids need it and you need it. A whole real man again who can stand on his own or with a partner.

Please don't leave Abbondad! I know some of the responses are harsh and I know I am guilty of being hurtful.

Please don't leave. Please keep posting. You will find support amongst the 2x4's. And we truly do care what happens to you and your kids.

Posting here can help you with the 180 and NC. We can help you with your resolve. No, you're not perfect, but you are making steps. We aren't any of us perfect.

((((((HUGS))))))

I am so sorry for my part in making you feel unwelcome. Please know that you are very welcome.

Well, all of the bullies on this thread finally got Abbondad to leave. Hope you are happy.

He seems like a really good guy struggling to find a balance with this mess. He probably really needs some support right about now, but he does not dare come here because he just is not strong enough to take the bashing anymore.

I know I could not last as long as he did. What a shame.