SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Karmahappens: this is exceptional. Glad I have your stuff to read.

Thank you LA

I appreciate your experiences as well. It is so much easier navigating through these long months, years even, with people that support and pull for each other.

Being where I am now I want people to know there is real healing and hope to be found.

I was so broken and such a mess, most of my healing, my inside me stuff, really happened over the past year. It's when the pieces all finally fit and I was ok, really ok.

I just want everyone to get here. To be able to truly live a happy healthy life has changed my entire outlook.

I still have things I work on, but I work now knowing there is a solution and life can be sweet.

(((hugs))) LA and thanks for the smile.

Sorry for the t/j runningblind

In the beginning I stayed because I was not in an emotional state to make that large of a decision. Now, I stay because we have 4 children whose hearts I refuse to break. He continues to try to be a better person every day, he is a better father and husband. As long as he continues to improve himself and our children are in the house, I will stay with him. I still love him and enjoy spending time with him, but if it was not for our children I would not be here. They adore their father and would be heartbroken if they could no longer see him every day. So as long as he is a positive influence in their lives, I will stay. He prays that some day my heart will change and I will stay with him forever, but I am doubtful that it will and some day I will leave.

At first I stayed because I loved my husband and I thought we can fix this. Now I see he is broken and not able to do the hard work to repair our marriage. Now I stay because of finances. My mother lives with us, I have been a stay-at-home-mom for the most part working PT low wage jobs while the kids were in school. I have not been able to find a job that pays more than 10 an hour, even though I just graduated from a community college with a 3.8. I have scrimped and saved for 28 years so we could retire without worries. We have no debt (except we still owe 36,000 on our home). I live in a very expensive area where apt rents run 1200-1500 a month. Why should I give up what I have because he is an ass. I never thought I would stay because of money, but at 56 yrs old with an ill mother, you make the best of it.

At first I stayed because I loved my husband and I thought we can fix this. Now I see he is broken and not able to do the hard work to repair our marriage. Now I stay because of finances. My mother lives with us, I have been a stay-at-home-mom for the most part working PT low wage jobs while the kids were in school. I have not been able to find a job that pays more than 10 an hour, even though I just graduated from a community college with a 3.8. I have scrimped and saved for 28 years so we could retire without worries. We have no debt (except we still owe 36,000 on our home). I live in a very expensive area where apt rents run 1200-1500 a month. Why should I give up what I have because he is an ass. I never thought I would stay because of money, but at 56 yrs old with an ill mother, you make the best of it.

I really didn't think of choosing between R and D/S. I wanted to R so I stayed. WH went NC once I told the other BS. He has stayed NC since 10/10. He wants to R so bad, but, I've realized that R just isn't possible for me. I've been in denial of my own feelings since then. IC woke me up. Now, I stay for DS. He graduates in 3 years, then I'm gone. I wish I could R, I really do. Maybe between now and then I will change my mind.

[This message edited by whatdoto at 8:52 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

Why my gut told me to stay initially:

1. I loved him and he loved me.

2. He was NC, remorseful, and willing to do whatever it took to save our marriage.

3. The fear of losing him and the life as I knew it. Not being able to control anything.

Other reasons I stayed after the initial storm calmed down:

-Why should another woman get my perfectly changed, "born again" man?

-We were practically newlyweds and I wanted to give our marriage another chance. Plus I did think about all the people who contributed to our wedding.

-I didn't want to give up my childbearing years.

-There are no guarantees in life and I could've easily gotten cheated on by another man after my FWH.

Some of these reasons may not be politically correct but they're mine.

[This message edited by so_lost at 9:48 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

Why did I decide to R? One word: Remorse. And a deep sense of shame. FWH broke down when I confronted him, was abjectly apologetic, assured me that he loved me, and went NC right away.

And that brings me to the second important factor: Love. He was and has become again the love of my life. Since D-Day, he has been showing in many ways that he does love me, too. He has been wonderful.

A third factor: I was ready to walk away from the M. I told him that if he could not bear to end it with OW (with whom he had a deep and meaningful friendship in addition to the illicit sex), then I would set him free--that I wanted him to be happy. I was astounded at how quickly he chose me over her. (Note: I did NOT do the "choose me" dance. I knew I'd be fine if we decided to D.)

But of all these things, remorse was the key. If he hadn't shown remorse, I would have initiated D proceedings immediately.

It was a gut reaction for me too, to fight for what was rightfully mine.

But the bottom line was love and a remorseful spouse. Both had to be proven over time.

After I found out the EA was a PA I told him he had 1 year and I would evaluate every month. I didn't want to rush into anything that I would regret later. I chose to stay in R because he showed true remorse. I also chose it because I fell back in love with him. Our kids are also part of the reason. I did not want to put them through a divorce until I felt we had tried everything possible first.

It's not always easy though. There have been millions of times that I wanted to just leave. I knew I would be fine financially and felt like the pain would disappear. But, I said he had one year and at least one of us was true to our word.

3 years later, I'm glad we chose R. Hang in there. It might take him awhile to show true remorse.

Thanks everyone.. Lots of wisdom and food for thought here. Gonna need some time to digest it all.

I know R is such a personal thing and requires much soul searching. It's had enough without the input of others outside the relationship but damn is it hard to ignore.. Worse are your own internal doubts. Thank you all again.

I thought he had lost his mind, or had a mid-life crisis (same thing, I guess.) Also, I loved him. I thought he'd get back to normal after he realized and admitted how crazy what he did was.

2 years later, when I found out about the ongoing porn use I decided I'd stay until the children are out of the house. Again, I loved him and hoped for the best since he said he hated what he was doing and stopped looking at it, joined a 12 step group (very sketchy attendence, but I didn't mind as long as he stayes off the porn....but now I wonder if he shouldn't go regularly because of his bad attitude since being off porn.)