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I know the extent of the manipulation by the OW. WH#2 was just as manipulative as she was except she was single. I think in the beginning she had a bf, but I have never been able to confirm that or if he found out about WH#2 and dumped her. Some guy called MIL around the time the A began looking for my husband and mentioned OW's name. She had no clue what this guy was talking about and never heard from him after he found out that WH#2 no longer lived there. MIL said she never thought to say anything to me about it and that she never thought of it again until she found out about the A. Then it made more sense to her that this OW must have had a bf. I will never know as WH#2 only confesses to what I actually know for sure and says she had no bf when they started seeing each other. She manipulated him with blackmail threathening to tell me and he manipulated her with an engagement ring and "I luvvvv U" to shut her up. It sounds like a total manipulation feast to me on both sides. Why anyone would want to get involved in that kind of drama is beyond my comprehension. He had no intentions of leaving our marriage and just thought he could continue to manipulate her and would never get caught. He thought she would never tell me about them. He thought he had all his bases covered because I was sooo trusting and never had a clue it was going on. He had her wrapped around his finger for a couple of years. He now sees how messed up his thinking was but I really don't think he actually regrets it. It was fun for a while and that's all that mattered to him. I was just collateral damage in the end.

My XH's main OW is manipulative, but so is my XH. Frankly, he is way worse.

He's been stringing this pig along for 4+ years. Despite dumping him (or being dumped, don't know which), she keeps going back. Only reason XH is D'd is b/c I did it. So, I imagine that he manipulates her very easily.

All it took was for OW to get my XH was laugh at his jokes & send him inane e-mail about how smart he was for making a FB page. I'd think XH would be smarter than that, but guess not ....

There were a few instances where XH & I were fighting thru texts, and it was very clear that she was responding for him. Wanted to tell him to just have her call me directly, so that she could tell me what he was thinking.

If all it takes to get w/my X is a few cheap compliments, and overlook the fact that you have a reputation as a whore, then have at it.

Also ...

have a friend who D'd his first W and M'd wifestress.

When I first met her, noticed that she would not ever let him hang out w/o her. I'm not thrilled w/her. Tried to have just him over for dinner w/XH, nope, she has to be there.

They've been married about 7 years, he isn't allowed to hang out w/o her. I don't want to hang out w/her, so I don't see him.

He & I have been friends for almost 25 years, so I'm not angling to take her man. I guess that knowing how she got him makes her wary of every other woman on the planet.

no, but I wonder at the extent of my own manipulation of my husband and his of me...

really the only thing I'm concerned about....

My FWH's OW was one of those manipulative types who manipulates by saying, "I'm really not trying to manipulate you..." The hell she wasn't.

I've read the e-mails, and the later ones are especially pathetic. Apparently FWH had tried to end the sexual part of their relationship in late 2009/early 2010. Her messages are full of "I feel hurt and rejected", "I'm just very very confused", "I need more from you than what I'm getting", "I want things to be the way they were in the past", "I understand if you don't want to write. I'm not trying to manipulate you into doing something you don't feel like doing." Ha!

She also told him "I am the only one you can turn to with these problems" when he told her that I was suspicious. Oh yes, she had all kinds of pathetic ploys to keep him on the hook. A lot of them played into his KISA complex. (They did end the PA in late 2010, then went EA until busted last August.)

I am not blaming her for his behavior, though--he's a grown man and made the conscious choice to cheat, and to keep cheating for years. But she certainly did play on his feelings of guilt.

FSM, I soooo agree with you. I remember thinking to myself how when I would tell my exfiancee things he would do the total oppositve. It just boggled my mind because I couldn't understand why he would take the approach he did when I was giving him advice about his other children and their mother's that was in the best interest of the children. I realized that at some point he went to her MOW and discussed it with her and he did what she said and it caused soooo much chaos in our household and then he would treat me like I was the person that gave him the wrong advice. I used to think damn, she's manipulating him like that. THEN one day I realized NOPE she's not. It's just HIM and how HE chose to do things. Him getting mad at me really meant that he was mad at himself but he took all of that anger out on me. It was very interesting to see the fog that he allowed himself to be in. However now after all these years the MOW and her husband are still together. However I saw a recent pic of her on FB and he's no longer wearing her wedding rings. I've heard her husband is still cheating on her. Oh well maybe now her and my ex will get back together. Then again he's on sooo many dating sites because he's determined to find a WIFE now it's funny. Oh well buddy you made your bed!

mj052,

Is your WH in counseling? If he is so easily snowed by the OW, he needs IC in order to build a stronger sense of self.

He needs to figure out what's keeping him from thinking logically and clearly. Usually, manipulators use fear, obligation, and guilt to confuse.

For now, he needs to go NC. Sounds like he's just plain weak. NC and IC or served with divorce papers!

My WH's OW is a practiced emotional blackmailer. She's not subtle or clever, just relentless and desperate. Some of her manipulations:

1. Your wife will never understand you because she came from a healthy FOO. I understand you completely because I have an alcoholic dad and messed up brother, too.

[All this meant was that she could prey on the emotions of a fellow abuse victim.]

2. If you abandon me, you're no better than all the people who didn't help you when you were being abused as a child.

3. You're the only one who can make me feel like my life is worth living, and the only way to do that is to show me I'm desirable.

4. If you don't follow up compliments with actions, you're a liar.

5. If you reject me, I'm worthless, I can't handle it.

6. If you don't comfort me, I can't possibly do the work you need done (she was a coworker on a crucial project).

7. I'm so alone and I might hurt myself if you won't come to me.

A mentally healthy person could have side stepped each of these manipulations so easily:

"I am married and will never have a relationship with you beyond civil coworkers. I will not be alone with you and I'll be ignoring all texts and calls."

"My compliments will not help you because real self worth comes from within."

"If we start a secret relationship, you will be worse off. You will feel used, sleazy, discarded and more depressed. You need to address your depression with a doctor."

"If you are suicidal, I will call a hotline right now. You need to make an emergency appointment with your therapist. Best wishes and goodbye."

"If you are going to hurt yourself, you need professional help. Call 911."

etc. etc. but WH was not healthy. He had weak boundaries, no good coping mechanisms for stress, and low self esteem. He was suppressing and denying years of child abuse. OW had no trouble getting him into a panic of guilt and fear.

I blame him completely. He should have dealt with his horrible childhood and become a strong adult before he proposed marriage to anyone. He should have been able to admit he was in over his head and ask for help.

[edited to add that I blame OW, too. She's a selfish coward who chooses to play the victim rather than take responsibility for her own life.]

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 11:38 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

Without ow's manipulation, my W would probably never have cheated. After the sex began, ow actually blackmailed her with the threat of outing her to her boss and hurting me and our son. On D-Day, she told me why she was afraid to end it, and I outed her myself and just accepted the risk. (I just see blackmail as endless.)

She had the same dilemma I did. She gave up her boundaries on her own.

My W agreed to sex because ow threatened to kill herself if my W didn't 'help' her sexually. Keeping ow from suicide was a good thing to do, but the right help was to dial 911.

In other words, ow's manipulation is essentially irrelevant in my case, and probably in most others.

Note: A threat of violence, even if heavily veiled, or use of something like a roofy is entirely different - that's rape, not cheating.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:52 AM, May 24th (Friday)]

I firmly believe that the world is divided up (at least in one context) by--

1: manipulators

2: those that are easily manipulated

3: those that do not manipulate nor can be easily manipulated.

I cannot be manipulated easily at all. Maybe a little in my youth, or when I was inexperienced at life and relationships. I can't be hypnotized, am not suggestible and can tell when literally anyone is patronizing me and I don't like it. I have insecurities as much as the next person, but I fully recognize that they are my own demons and it is up to me to work on myself if needed.

My WH is easily manipulated by certain types of people. OW is a star manipulator.

Its one other way that certain people can fall into the trap of infidelity. Not the only way, but a very crucial way in my opinion.

[This message edited by Spelljean at 12:14 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

I don't know about manipulation but the OW pursued my H relentlessly. She tried to hold his hand, he let go. She tried to kiss him, he said no. She pulled down her pants in the back of her Jeep...but this time he didn't refuse She pursued and pursued and pursued...and sadly, HE LET HER!!! He loved feeling pursued and gave in when she offered him something he didn't feel like refusing.

She played to his sympathies and to his weaknesses, but they were his weaknesses and he fully involved himself with her on his own.