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Mrs.KOKO, I suspect your H's attraction to you is not contingent on your physical looks so much as your confidence and strength. Weakness is attracted to strength. I think that is the real secret of these personal makeovers - - that the person feels stronger and more confident and vibrant.

cds22, Thank you for saying that. It is a better way to look at it. I will probably talk with MrKOKO about this.

what your WH found so compelling was the fantasy and the return to youth and the boost to his self esteem. The thin bodies were likely secondary to all of that.

I believe this to be true in our case. MrKOKO loved that some young chickie found him intriguing and pursued him. It did help that she was pretty....on the outside.

I think making yourself over to feel more confident is a wonderful,healthy thing. Really. The "fat" comment just kinda,sorta, hurt my feelings. We are knee deep in A time and our anniversary was last week. I apologize if I offended anyone.

cds22...As far as I know,WH didnt meet up with any of the girls...he tried..but the evidence I found says he didn't...of course...I also know I dont know everything,and I do think he cheated with a woman..just not these particular girls.

I *know* my WH cheated/had a PA because he wanted something I couldn't give him..he cheated on me with a man(SURPRISE Confused! Your WH is bisexual!).

So,technically, he did cheat on me because of something lacking in me.

Im not a man,you see.

Im very much a woman.

Very girly.

But a tad tomboy.

Just no penis.

And..to bring some levity to all of this...let me just tell y'all there is NO WAY this girl is getting THAT kind of makeover.

Not no way.

Not no how.

[This message edited by confused615 at 1:35 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

Oh my goodness confused! What a mess and no wonder you are confused. I have thought to myself since I joined SI that being bisexual and psychologically f'd up is a nightmare! The spouse can do so much damage as the world is open, both genders available, oy!

I am not offended by anyone's post. I think the thread strayed to increasingly physical matters and let's face it most of us, no matter what we look like, are not exactly at our zenith of physical self-confidence right now. That is why we are setting each other off a bit.

But, confused, in my mind you win. I mean, your case is a perfect illustration of the illusion that physicality matters so much. You would have to be a thin, beautiful, 20 year old with a penis to be your H's sexual ideal, no?

Glad you aren't changin' just to please him. :)

@confused ~

Weakness is attracted to strength. I think that is the real secret of these personal makeovers - - that the person feels stronger and more confident and vibrant.

Posters on the heavier or more voluptuous side, I repeat my comment about strength and vitality, not pounds! Also, in my observation, almost all women value and desire thinness whereas many men (not all but way, way more than we women assume) prefer a curvier form. :)

My weak FWH was intimidated by my confidence. I liked myself. I didn't need him to make me happy. I validated myself. Things FWH couldn't do for himself. I accept myself the way I am. Yeah, I would prefer less of me, but this is the hand I have been dealt, so I accept it.

And, really I could give a fuck if my FWH prefers curvier, voluptuous, fat, thin or whatever. He married me. For better or worse, same goes for me. I don't not love my FWH because of his physical flaws. I love the man. I wasn't going to knock myself out doing a "makeover" when I was just fine the way I am, both physically and personally, after d-day.

FWH is the one who needs to do a makeover.

Oh I guess I didn't make myself clear. The makeover was never to win my WH back but a result of finding me. The stress of being in a horrible marriage caused me to gain weight coupled with his blatant attempts to sabotage my eating/exercise programs.

A side benefit of the new me is that not only do I look and feel better, I'm healthier as well-no more high blood pressure!

My WH AP were never more prettier, more intelligent, more business savvy, etc. Quite the opposite. He chose women in his words who were "desperate, lonely, and willing to play by his rules." In his words "it was never about how they looked, physical attraction was not important." As long as they never disagreed with him, listened to him brag about his job, complain about his wife and kids and have sex with him he was good to go. In his eyes fat women were easy targets.

He never wanted to hear about their issues, families or jobs. He had to be the center of attention a king among his peasant women.

So shedding all of that weight and gaining muscles represents me gaining control of my life again- physically/mentally/spiritually/emotionally.

I would never tell an individual they should lose or gain weight., but for me the extra pounds held me back. So yes, thank GOD and please bless me to never be fat!

[This message edited by ifinallyfoundme at 3:44 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

I have always been naturally thin. However....menopause turned out to be hell for me. I often wonder what was menopause and what was cheating. They happened at the same time.EIther way, I was absolutely crazy. For several years. His slut of choice is always 25 yrs younger. My weight is fine, but I still feel insecure because of age differences and..... she was a marathon runner in her twenties. Really? I was 50. Its common to feel insecure about your looks after infidelity, but this just really took me down to a level Im not sure I can return from. And most say, it had nothing to do with looks. In my case, it does. Mine and theirs. ....He loves to look at beautiful young women. I just had facial surgery, (medical reasons) and felt better about myself. But it didnt last long. I really am a woman in my 50's. ANd I really hate him for this. I used to be confident. Not anymore. I have to say tho, I dont care. I think I am in lethal plains, because I dont care what he thinks of my looks. I dont even try for him. I dress up sometimes for myself. ANd never notice him. This has been a painful realization for me. ANd pounds are not an issue.

So yes, thank GOD and please bless me to never be fat!

Yeah, this post doesn't make it any better, ifinallyfoundme. God blesses you and all us with some extra weight God is keeping his blessings from us? As I said, God has said "fuck you" to me because I have some extra pounds?

I am glad you did things for yourself and if losing weight was one of the things you could do and did, great. But it is insulting for you to say "God bless me to never be fat!" WTF! Like we don't deserve God's blessings and we aren't blessed because we are fat? Like having extra pounds is a sin or some freaking character flaw.

Your post would have been fine if you didn't throw that insult in.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:53 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

I am glad you did things for yourself and if losing weight was one of the things you could do and did, great. But it is insulting for you to say "God bless me to never be fat!" WTF! Like we don't deserve God's blessings and we aren't blessed because we are fat? Like having extra pounds is a sin or some freaking character flaw.

Wait? Never said having a few extra pounds is a sin or a character flaw.

If I were to say that you are fat because you have sin in your life and not blessed by GOD I would understand your concern.

But if he blesses me by overcoming an issue that has plagued me for years am I not allowed to praise my creator? I am excited to read everyone's story - their trials and in particular their triumphs.

We spend so much time talking about what our WS have and are doing and all of the pain involved. Why not celebrate the our victories?

I've put on a shitload of weight since the A and when I lose it, it's for me. I'm in no hurry, it'll come off. If he doesn't like how I look now, then fuck him, frankly. He says he does, he acts like he does and I believe him. And I'm fat and I'm fine with it.

[This message edited by hobbeskat at 6:12 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

What you are saying is God didn't bless me even though I worked my ass (okay, tried to work it off) and very much wanted the weight off. For some reason you were deserving of "the not being fat" blessing (is that a blessing even?) and I am not.

eta: "bless me to never be fat" is really insulting to me. Like being fat is a curse. Or a punishment of some sort.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 6:20 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

My now xh told me how beautiful his bimbo ho was.... which didn't make me feel so wonderful.... then I saw a couple pics he took of her in her bra top and short shorts or something similar.... SHE needs a tummy tuck and serious face alterations. So don't believe everything your WS's are saying about how beautiful the ap was/is. I guess beauty IS in the eye of the beholder and, if the beholder is a seriously befuddled / befogged WS, well, that's just one more lie added to the high pile WS's tell themselves and anyone who will listen.