SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Though not always.... it seems like the BS has a lot invested when the A occurs... long-term Marriage, children at home, etc.. and they also seem to be the one strong and loyal ones - to the committment of the marriage and the family.

Therefore, they give the WS another chance and work hard (hopefully together) to make the M better, make themselves better, and keep everything together.

However, there is so much pain and so much hurt, I think it's really, really difficult to get to a really stable - and genuine and special love - that was there before the A (or at least in the beginning).

And by the time you figure it out that it's not as "great" as you thought it was going to be or what you were working towards - you've invested A LOT of time and energy into it - the rest of the family (children mostly I'm talking about)has pretty much forgotten about it - and you and your WS are getting along pretty good.

So... do you say at that point (years later)- I want more - I'm done with this M.. it will never be where I want it to be or should be.. so goodbye, sorry kids, I'm going to go out there and find something better. It feels like you're going to hurt everybody by doing that.

I think that decision sometimes needs to be made immediately... and move on... especially if you are in the early years of your M..

But there are great stories out there of how the M was turned around and it was better than ever.

And I think that's what we hold on to - and that's why we work so hard - with that hope... At least I do.

As long as he's not continuing to cheat, he is nice to me, he's trying most of the time, and he's respectful to me.. it's worth it (for now) to keep trying.

WheredoIgonow - I understand so much of what you are saying.

There are so many reasons to stay in a marriage, even if it's not marriage as you hoped it would be.

It would be nice if after all the hard work of R (or during, since it's a process) the marriage could be better and stronger and happier. For some people it is. But for some of us, it's not. And we choose to live this way because it's better than the alternative.

I understand.

I so get what you are saying...there are areas of our marriage now that just aren't what I thought they'd be ....but we are still a work in progress and I hold out hope that some of these things will get better as we each work on being 'us'.

I also wonder if this is what long term marriage is.....not perfect each partner getting 80% or 85% or even 90% of what we want or need and realizing we are not going to find that 100%....that we have to make a decision if the needs our marriage does meet are the ones that count for us.....if it's enough.

I don't know if that's clear, but just wanted you to know I feel like there are some similarities and even though our kids are grown and gone, I am staying and working at a future with my H.

now im scared, i dont want to just float through my marriage . i want the love and passion and laughs and the connection. i felt i had all that before the ONS even though things did become routine i figured it was a phase and we would be back to it once our little ones were just a little more independent. well he ruined that !!! now im thinking will it ever be that way the way i loved him? i love him dearly now why else would i have gone through this right??? but could it grow beyond this or not....seems to me WH love has grown while mine is questionable ....feel badly about that but i love him enough that i want to hold on.

Sorry it took me so long to respond to some more great comments.

hurt314 - I'm glad you understand. There is never a one-size fits all and it seems more complicated when there is a lot more at stake then just the "two of you".

Alex CR - I think this is one of the best ways I've seen to articulate what I was trying to say. We are always striving for 100% - whether there was an A or not. I guess we learn and figure out - how important that last 10% is

huRtZ413 - I'm sorry we put some more fear in your mind. You are so early from the DDay as well as your M. Though I can't respond to how it will be for you in the years to come from an A so early in the M. I'm not sure if anyone on this website can speak to that (i'm sure there are though). Though I can say, the heavy heartache, the uncertainties, the insecurities, and sadness DO get better as the years go by. It will be 4 years this October since the A's were discovered (I can't believe it) and the pain and sadness is there - and there are still triggers that bring tears to my eyes.... but it is SO much better - and we've had some really good family time - where I can honestly say, I didn't even think about the A.. compared to the first couple of years where it was ALWAYS on my mind.

My H and I have talked some about this topic since I last posted in this forum... We talked about really working on the future and each other's "love languages". He actually pulled the book out - when I was leaving one day. I couldn't believe it.

So there is hope.. lots of hope.

WDIG,

I am late to the party on this post! LOL!

I just wanted to say that when someone knows something bothers you or is a need of yours (He says "I know"), it really is a conscious choice not to do it all, especially if they did it before. Signing a card with no 'Love," seems really passive aggressive to me. I mean, really, how hard is that? It is a choice not to put it there.

Is he still pining away for the AP he thought was his soulmate?

I would be really bothered too. I'm glad he pulled the Love Languages book out again. I hope you start to see some changes in him, but if not, I would be asking some hard questions.

You say you have two more years until your kids are out of house and in college.

Gently, could he be waiting for the same thing....?

I guess what I am saying is DONT SETTLE. Keep working at it or move on to someone who will cherish you!

Hugs!

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 7:25 AM, June 25th (Tuesday)]

brokensmile322..

Thanks for the post. I agree with you. Its a "choice" for him to NOT put it down. I'm sure it crosses his mind AND he knows I would love to see that.... so he's choosing NOT to put it down.

I believe he is still pining for the AP...though he will never admit it and i do believe it's a lot less.

But I think it's always lingering....

I have thought about it too - on him thinking just 2 years .. but he said a while ago - when I said something like - i may not be as loyal as you think I am (like meaning it's not a guarantee that I'll stick with this M no matter what).. and he said something like, well I hope we are not just going through this R and then you'll decide you don't want to be with me (nice huh). We should have just ended it then... something like that.

I said, well that's the chance you'll have to take.

We'll keep working at it. It is definitely a work in progress. And with a new chapter of our life around the corner once all of the kids are gone... it could be for an interesting ride.

I do deserve to be cherished.. and I don't want to settle for less. I guess I am a little bit for right now - but if it doesn't constantly get better over the long haul.. I'm not opposed to look at other options.

Thanks for the input and thoughts.

Good luck to you too!