SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No you getting your feelings hurt isn't your fault. You told your WW that you weren't comfortable with something and given her behaviour she should have respected that. But she didn't. That is terrible behaviour on her behalf. Does your WW always blame you for her poor actions? Where it isn't her fault for behaving poorly it is yours for getting upset by her poor behaviour?

You don't owe your WW the gift of R. Infact from your post you aren't even in R. She had 8 affairs and tried to have more? She is a serial cheater. Have you read up on NPD?

She is right about one thing. You don't control her or her behaviour, you can only change you. So stop letting her abuse you. Ask her to move out. Have her actually earn her position as your wife again, or get a D and find someone who will treat you well.

Am I wasting my time with her?

Yep.

She is a serial cheater. And like a serial killer....They do not get better. They may be able to white knuckle it for a while. But they do not get better. Who and what she is, the concrete on that dried years ago.

i wont say you are wasting your time with her nor that there is no hope.

but your wife needs to change. and change big time.

she should have NC with all of her affair partners. obviously she cant avoid seeing them at court. but she can certainly avoid talking to them and she can also definitely avoid going to private events in which she could possibly see them.

her wanting to go to this party is nonsense. the correct non wayward thinking response would have been "there is a party coming up for a retiring judge but i know AP#x is going to be there and its not okay for me to see him so i do not plan on going. is that okay with you?"

also, her toxic cheating friend has to go. we are who we associate with. their behavior DOES impact us. everyone likes to think we are immune to it but we arent. we often sink to the lowest common denominator. unhealthy friends need to go. toxic people need to go. someone is either a friend of the marriage or they arent and if they arent then they arent a friend. period.

your wife needs to do some major work on herself. she needs to transform herself from a manipulative, lying, and cheating person into an honest, transparent, and faithful person. thats alot of hard work on her part.

if she does the work a reconciliation might work (no guarantees) but without that work you are doomed to experience another affair.

She said it was ok that she went to the party because she said she wasn't going to talk to him. Everything you guys are saying I know to be true in my heart, its just having someone I love tell me the sky is red is the pattern in life I have fallen into. I know what I need to do.

You've had a lot of 2x4s here (I know you're still reading up on the lingo, 2x4 = hard talk/tough love) so I won't add to the pile. It sounds to me like you know what you should do really but are afraid to do it.

I would say that if you're only going to act on one piece of advice from this thread it would be to implement the 180. Make yourself strong, stand on your own two feet and show yourself that you CAN get along fine without your WW. It doesn't mean divorcing her or making any decisions at all right now, just make yourself strong. You sound very codependent, if you're in IC I'd recommend talking to your therapist about that, if not at least google it. But if nothing else, 180 now!

And believe me, if you do decide to leave her you won't be on your own for long if you don't want to be, and you have no idea how amazing it feels to be with someone you trust 100% again.

dummyX8,

Please stop questioning the validity of your feelings. You have every right to your anxious thoughts. And her insistence that you are solely responsible for your feelings is just a manipulative cop-out for her to avoid accountability for her serial treachery. Know that your feelings are totally justified and need to be given space and respect, initially by you but ultimately by a reluctant spouse who desperately wants to reconcile.

She needs to look at your willingness to reconcile as a gift, not just as an invitation for more childish, selfish behavior. And you need to have a very high bar for forgiveness.

Are you sure you want to work on this? if you do, more power to you, but you need to approach this from a position of strength.

She says only I can control my feelings so she isn't to blame for them getting hurt.

She's a fucking lawyer, it's her job to make her "opponent" feel like they're the guilty party. In this case, you're the opponent. She can't draw the line between personal and professional behavior and the last thing she is is professional. She's a narcissistic nut job and I'm trying to be kind here.

She's literally stabbed you in the back and then she confirms that yes, there is indeed a knife in your back but only you can pull that knife out and only you can feel make the pain go away since you're the only one who feels it.

She lacks compassion. She lacks empathy. She's basically tapping her foot, looking at her watch and asking when you're going to get over it as you're lying there bleeding out. Run from this bitch! Fast! Take your kids with you. She is NOT a good mother!!!! Please do not defend her in anyway if and until she grows feelings and learns to care about someone and something other than her fucking basic sex needs.

Man, I am so sorry you here but even sorrier you're in this with her. She IS the COMPANY SHE KEEPS, aside from you.

I know who she is and you're right, she never says a word about you, only herself and how great she is doing and changed. I can see there is an underline of ego in some of her posts.

People we love can hurt each other's feelings.

She is not focusing on you, not asking ever how to help her husband. That is unusual based on my observations here.

You can leave when you've had enough. You are not crazy. Your perceptions and opinions are valid.

I know who she is and you're right, she never says a word about you, only herself and how great she is doing and changed. I can see there is an underline of ego in some of her posts.

Not surprised by this really. She cares more about others thinking she is different because of the pretty public outing she had. She blames me for the "public" outing. She ran for elected office (wasting thousands of our family's money with me not knowing that a lot of ppl in town knew what she was about). Very soon after her name was in the paper every week, her name all over billboards and facebook, it came out what she was doing. I simply told the wives (and told all of the men what I thought of them). One wife made facebook posts about her and thats my fault. She is the one who ran for office with skeletons in her closet (the men were talking too so ppl knew). Oh I did tell the DA she was sucking dick at the court house during business hours.

I did kick her out on D day. I was a fool and believed that she was changing and had my best interest in mind and I let her back in the house about 3 months ago. Since I let her back in she has constantly put me last again. Looking back I know it was a mistake and wishful thinking on my part that for once I would be put first. She actually told me the night before the party "Your right, im not going to go, I have hurt you enough and put my family last for too long, im not going to do that anymore" which put me on cloud nine! I was so excited and had an instant shedding of the anxious feeling I had. Ya, by morning she changed her mind and said she thought about it and if I have a problem with it, its my problem because she knows she is different inside. She keeps giving my slight glimmers of hope and I want it to work more than anything in the world, but I know im Charlie Brown and she is Lucy.

Between being a serial cheater and being treated for borderline (very rarely works), she is not going to be a safe partner.

I strongly suggest learning more about borderline personality. This aspect alone makes R near impossible.

Also, medication to treat borderline? It isn't like bipolar or other true mental illness.

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 6:23 AM, December 8th (Thursday)]

It isn't your fault she had a public shaming. It is here for behaving in such a way that led to a public shaming.

She still isn't changing her behaviour if she is blaming you for the consequences of her actions.

Well Done for kicking her out on Dday. I have figured out who she is on here and I remeber her posts at the time concerned about how hard the aftermath of DDay had been on her. The inconvenience of being kicked out. If she had been in anyway concerned about the pain she inflicted on you and your children she didn't show it.

So Charlie Brown time to walk away from that football. As other posters have said a good first step is to use the 180 to help you detach and get some perspective. It will help you see that the sky isn't red and that you and your children are people with wants, feelings and needs not props in a play.

Keep reading and posting there is a lot of advice and support on this forum.

Gently, she's right. You control your feelings, and you decide how you want to deal with them. You have the power you need.

Not so gently, so far, you seem to have taken the role of Victim in a Drama Triangle (see karpmandramatriangle.com, for example - citation OKed by mods), with your W as Persecutor.

That's a phase I think virtually all of us go through, but it's no way to heal.

At some point you need to recognize that you've been victimized, but you don't need to be a Victim. In fact, you can pick yourself up, get help, and make good decisions for yourself.

In addition to reading about the Drama Triangle (and how to get out of it), I suggest reading Co-Dependent No More. Both readings may give you insights into yourself that will help you heal.

Are you in IC? If not start - I suggest working on how to stop accepting this treatment from your W and figuring out what you want to do with your M. You sound like a lot of your identity is tied up in your relationship, but you are not your M. Once you learn that, and once you get yourself healthy emotionally, you may just decide to take your W to the cleaners and start over with a healthy partner.

So Charlie Brown time to walk away from that football. As other posters have said a good first step is to use the 180 to help you detach and get some perspective. It will help you see that the sky isn't red and that you and your children are people with wants, feelings and needs not props in a play.

I have been reading on the 180 and it has helped. I have been an idiot who has been lashing out since yesterday, name calling,etc. Im hurt and sulking and im not that kind of person. I took the day off today for my pity party but am actually getting dressed and going to work. Fuck this.

And Sisoon, thanks, you are dead on correct!

[This message edited by dummyX8 at 10:48 AM, December 5th (Monday)]

It is mind blowing to think that someone after 8 affairs would think that reading some books and watching some you tube videos would think that is a replacement for an act of decency.

She even told you when she was in her not going stage that she knew it would be hurtful to you. At that point to be so selfish and to switch gears back and go shows she doesn't care at all about your feelings. Her want to go, and interact with multiple AP's trumped your pain. That says a lot of where you stand with her.

Then on top to blame you for being a victim puts icing on the sh*t cake that she is trying to get you like is amazing. She hasn't learned a thing no matter how much she has told you she changed

I don't want to call you dummy, so I am going to call you Charlie. And Charlie Brown is not a great analogy.

Your wife has some serious baggage in her head, and a lot to overcome. The problem, the perception, is how intelligent and capable she is, she does not look, for lack of a better word, sick. But surely you can see that an intelligent, capable, ambitious woman does not do what she did unless some part of her psyche has not went off the rails. What she did are some *might* do if they had given up and just didn't care. Not someone who has the job and family, not for so many guys to make it like a bad cartoon or parody.

You are talking about at least 10 years, and you don't say how long her thoughts were there before those 10 years. In my opinion, she has really changed a lot. No where near to where she must go, but she was starting from further back than most, I think. 10 years is a long time of behavior patterns to change easily and consistently in a few months.

I am not saying you should stay. I am just saying she has changed and is changingvand possibly will continue to get better. Maybe she must do this without you, because she is not yet close to being "safe" for your emotions, and perhaps staying will hinder your healing. And fixing your issues. Usually I think it's better to stay in the house together, but if she is not yet ready to refrain from hurting you, it might be best to do this separately.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 1:04 PM, December 5th (Monday)]

NO NO NO!

You're not stupid, you trusted your wife. You should be able to do that. She's the one breaking everything. IMO, she's not capable of changing enough. R is horribly difficult under the best of circumstances and she is in no way the best. I would 180, and file with a good atty that she hasn't screwed or won't.

You're young and you can find someone who deserves your love. You've just been together so long you don't realize that good women are out there. Best wishes to you. I'm furious on your behalf.

Mate at 38 your really young you've got lots of options you don't have to be in this situation or deal with all this.

You can move on to a far better life without her.

Given where your at now how bad can things get for you, after all she needs you more than you need her.

There is a world of difference between what you say and what you do. Saying you are changing and getting healthy and then subjecting you to what she did with this party proves that she really hasn't changed at all.

Maybe she still isn't in an affair right now, but this type of thinking that you are safe, then putting yourself and your marriage in jeaopdy it won't be long until she is. Reading and watching videos, but not putting what you probably haven't leaned into practice is the same as doing nothing at all

Watch what people do, not what they say they are doing.

You are asking things after 8 affairs when you should be telling. She has zero repect for you. You seem to be a Mr. Nice Guy who probably does too much. Marriage should be balanced 50/50

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" and quit letting her play you.

You should be seeing an IC. You can't fix her but you'd better fix yourself. Fast

[This message edited by Marc878 at 7:32 PM, December 5th (Monday)]