SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I echo what Hippo says above.

Have you told your BH that your lover was better in bed?

In Ic my person said I am grieving my marriage. That's why I am profoundly sad.. Makes sense. I am trying to bury it and rise from the ashes. We want to build a new marriage. Hardest thing I will ever do.

Ok, admittedly I'm out of my depth here. However I'll offer a hypothesis... try not to laugh, ok?

I think that 90+% of our sexual experience comes from inside ourselves. How our partner makes us feel during sex is directly related to how we feel about our physical experience. As a guy, I have the pleasure of the big-O every time I have sex - yay for me. However, when my wife is demonstrative during the act, I come away feeling WOW THAT WAS AWESOME, when in fact the O was what it always had been. So, was it a purely physical thing OM did, or was it more the emotional connection - as in how OM made you feel? If that's the case, focus on that. Have a little wine, talk, maybe sit in the bathtub together - gently work on getting you BH to lower his guard, then hit the sheets and see how it works.

Additionally, there are physical tricks (bad word I know, but I can't think of another) to coax a woman to climax. Rather than force your BH to study, why don't you give that material a look, then gently steer your BH in a way that works for you.

A word of warning though. NEVER say 'try this. OM did it and it was great' or anything like that.

I was never good at hiding things, he just was never looking for anything like this because it is so out of my character. It has been a little over 4 months since D Day. So know it hasn't been long.

Muttmatch, this is certainly WW thinking. It's definitely in character for you to lie and cheat because that's what you did. Us WWs often think that the A was an aberration, but we have character flaws that we need to examine and change. I spent 32 years believing that I wasn't really so bad, but I was.

Best of luck in working through this. It won't be easy...or fast.

Muttmatch-

Both of the needs that you have addressed are valid in the context of marital problems. Sexual compatibility is important.

However-

Once you decided that infidelity was on option to get your needs met, you really sold your argument and the solution down the river by cheating. The fact that you went outside your marriage to get a 'good O' probably is going to severely inhibit the ability of you 2 to address those sexual issues together because your BH will always have 'the best you have ever had' in the room with you. You have now made it immeasurably harder for you to have the kind of sex life that you desire with your H. Can you put yourself in his shoes?

I would start the process of healing this area of your life by stopping the comparison. You can not replicate one sexual partner with another. If you want to chase that experience then leave your H now before you both waste time and energy. Don't shame his skill set. In my experience a willing and dedicated partner can be taught. Information plus confidence and repitition can do wonders.

How dedicated are you to fixing this? To understanding that this isn't just a 'he' problem but a 'we' problem? That you have made the hole that much deeper to climb out of? Honesty is good. So is empathy and tenderness.

I hope that you can work this out.

Very glad to get opinions on this. There have been occasions that H has made me feel incredible...but everything has to be so perfect, and I completely understand that his confidence has been rocked after the A and I don't expect it to come back quickly.

I agree with some people are more sexually compatible. This is how I feel with the emotion piece as well. Some people fit together in certain ways better than others. Again, H and I fit together in TONS of great ways. We love to travel together and have a blast doing it, we raise our kids together so well and agree with all of that and most of life together. We have fun together and we are great at taking care of each other in other aspects, we are very loving towards each other and many of our friends and family are jealous of our relationship. It is great in so many ways.

I am very very willing to do whatever to make those two issues better. I know for him, I am sexually satisfying (at least he tells me that I am). He also says that I am emotionally very fulfilling for him and support and help him feel better.

H is aware of my feeling of sec with OM, but he knew about sex with OM before when we were dating. When we were dating the conversation about best sex came up and he knew many details about sex with OM from before H and I met. As for recent, I don't compare H and OM in bed, different men different experiences and not comparable at all. When I was asked directly by H, that is what I said as well. I would NEVER want H to just try and be OM in bed..or even emotionally. I want nothing to do with OM. I miss what he taught me and what he gave me....I hate him as a person. I want to find ways to feel good with H...but it isn't easy...I will put in the effort and work.

I think I answered all the posts...

I REALLY do not want to "destroy" him. This is a really difficult topic. Thank you for the input.

I think that 90+% of our sexual experience comes from inside ourselves. How our partner makes us feel during sex is directly related to how we feel about our physical experience. As a guy, I have the pleasure of the big-O every time I have sex - yay for me. However, when my wife is demonstrative during the act, I come away feeling WOW THAT WAS AWESOME, when in fact the O was what it always had been. So, was it a purely physical thing OM did, or was it more the emotional connection - as in how OM made you feel? If that's the case, focus on that. Have a little wine, talk, maybe sit in the bathtub together - gently work on getting you BH to lower his guard, then hit the sheets and see how it works.

I agree with this...I just need to figure out what works for us...I don't think maybe it is all H..maybe I am too much in my own head....

I agree with this...I just need to figure out what works for us...I don't think maybe it is all H..maybe I am too much in my own head....

Yay! That was exactly what I wanted you to realize.

That being said...there is still the issue that this isn't a new thing because of the A. Whether it skill, my level of comfort or technique or foreplay. The sexual compatibility isn't easy

When I first got together with WW - just dating then - she was the ABSOLUTE worst lover I ever had. Horrible - a blow up doll would have been more engaged and shown more emotion... and she easily had 4X the number of previous lovers that I had.

Comparability can be created if you work together. It's gotten better for us, so it can work for you.

The problem now is that you've REALLY stepped in it by having the affair. That's going to be like a wall of bricks between you and any level of intimacy with your BH. The affair and all the fallout of it had to be handled FIRST before you can work on intimacy. You gotta tear down that brick wall. It will take a ton of patience on your part, and TIME.

So the OM is a lover from before you met your current husband? And you went back to him to get your needs met. What happens if you don't get your needs met with your husband again. What's keeping you from going back for the great "O"? How are you going to explain that piece of information? You're going to have to admit that you prefer your OM in bed, so that is going to be a major hurdle to reconcilliation. If your husband can cope with that and agree to reconcilliation.

I am a Betrayed wife in reconciliation close to 11 mths out from DDay. If my husband said to me about his married AP what you stated about your married OM..... I would be done.

I realize that you are new and learning. Please know that if you have any hope of saving your marriage you need to get 100 percent on your husbands team.

Your need for "a good O again" may have to take a back seat for awhile.

Nothing eviserates a person's sexual confidence, and self esteem, more than their spouse having an affair.

And nothing, I imagine, emasculates a man more than for his wife to tell him he doesn't sexually satisfy her as well as the man she cheated on him with.

It was takes a long time for many betrayed spouses to get their sexual confidence back. In your husband's case, it will probably take a lot longer.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:26 PM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

My boundaries with men were very strong prior to A. I even have a male director of my chorus that I had to work closely with but never ever entertained even the idea of an A. OM and I had a strong connection the first time we dated, especially sexually and he texted me out of the blue and literally the lowest point in my entire relationship with H. Not an excuse, but that low point and how H and I got there is what we work on and I know deep down if we can work past this, we can work through anything. That and my personal work will be what I feel I can do to never ever ever cheat again.

Yes, I have to rebuild intimacy and trust with H again and that takes time. And we still have to work on the issues.

Giving me an open and safe place to be emotional. H is not an emotional person and when I am hurt or upset, I get really insecure and have what is called my "a$#hole voice". (a name given by OM) When I try to talk about my issues with H, he either is distracted, doesn't understand, or gets defensive and upset at me.

I'm going out on a limb and making assumptions, I generally feel hesitant to do so, but if I'm wrong, feel free to say so. It sounds as though you discussed your marital issues with your OM. It sounds like when you are upset, not only does your voice change, but your maturity level does too. If your BH is truly defensive or doesn't understand, it's because you are too worked up to communicate effectively which is why he doesn't understand what “he did” wrong, etc.

First off, no one has a magic wand to “make you anything”. Your choosing to communicate with OM means that you cared enough talking to him to slow down and keep talking until you made sense. That was a choice, not some magical quality he possesses that your husband does not.

Lastly (only this point), how do you know that the OM did not utilize manipulation in these times to get sex from you? I mean if he knows all he has to do is calm you down and make it seem all magical, he gets what he wants? Do you really think that if you and he were to somehow be together as a full time couple he would tolerate that behavior? (He wouldn't). Just some things to think about.

He isn't great at wording things (especially emotional things) well and tends to upset me more or make me feel worse. It isn't intentional at all and we have had this issue since day one of our 15 years together.

Clearly ya'll as a couple need to take communication 101. If that is the case, then it's your job as his spouse to ask questions regarding his intent so you can understand what he is trying to say. Sitting there watching him flounder (and being resentful) isn't going to resolve the issue. Asking open ended questions like: “I am taking this to mean that....., “Is what you are saying.....”

OM was always someone I could talk to, even when I didn't want to talk. I don't want H to be OM, but I would love to have him be the person that makes me feel better. Without OM in my life, I have to figure out how to work with H to be that for me, or just go back to not having it anymore and that thought makes me sad.

It's not his job to make you feel better or happy, that's your job. When you put your happiness (or better) on the shoulders of others, you don't have to ever look at yourself or work at your happiness. As long as someone is responsible (in your eyes) there's someone to point at and blame rather then looking in the mirror. It's your job to be your biggest cheerleader.

I get it, I did it for years. I love who I am now, and while the journey initially was terrifying, I am happier then I've ever been in my life, hell I wake up happy. Stop thinking anyone owes you something and start holding yourself accountable for the state of your life and your happiness.

Every time you are tempted to think, “I wish” just stop and think of someway you can take control of your own life and happiness.

PS - This was not intended to be snarky, though I am aware it sounds that way. I am always direct, but never snarky.

Your A suggests that you did not have "strong boundaries with men". You had strong boundaries with SOME men. Namely the ones you weren't sexually interested in. That's not really the same thing. If you've built a wall with a man sized opening, people can get through. Just an observation.

One more question. Does your OM live in close proximity? If so, your husband has to deal with the fact that he can't please you the way your OM does, and he will have to deal with the fact that you can just up and run to the OM anytime you want.

You also mentioned that you "hate" the OM. Did you hate him before or after your affair was exposed?

I don't expect him to carry the weight of my happiness...but to be with someone who can cheer you up when you had a bad day is a nice thing. I do it for him all the time. When I get upset, instead of supporting me or talking to me, he tells me why I can't feel that way. I am getting better at being patient with his intent and he is getting better at not jumping to telling me how I feel.

I am far from a dramatic person. I get insecure