SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

17 years. He had 3 A’s early in the M. The last one was with my BFF in 2001.

Many MC, marriage retreat weekends, and books over those 17 years. I heard “i swear I will never cheat on you again “ about a million times.

About a month ago, I found emails between my STBEx and that same BFF. He showed me the first one (which is why i was watching his email like a hawk.). Only 5 days after she emailed him, he wrote her back. Then 5 days after that he emailed her trying to set up a date for sex. (That day happened to be my birthday).

I found a chart online that lists the 7 reasons for affairs and the likelihood of another A occurring. My WH is in the “can’t say No” category. He has an addictive personality. He will always cheat if given the opportunity. I have no other choice left except D.

I wasted my life.

I wish i had never met him. He ruined my life.

I see that term, 'he/she did all the work,' used a lot in posts by BS's who come back to SI when they've been betrayed yet again.

"Doing the work" is no guarantee of anything. A lot of the time, the 'work' is simply the WS doing whatever they HAVE to do in order to avoid divorce court. And for some, it's saying all the right things to their BS and crying those big tears of contrition. If it means going to therapy once or twice a week for a year and telling some therapist whatever is they want to hear, then that's what they'll do. If it means reading those self-help books their BS bought on Amazon and insists they read, then they'll do it (or for some of them, PRETEND to have read it). If it means allowing GPS location services on their phones so their spouse will always know their whereabouts and being 'transparent' with their phones, email accounts and computers, then that's what they'll do.

But there are ways around ALL of that. Burner phones, secret email addresses, private browsing windows to access those secret email accounts or dating site profiles or sex hookup profiles, and the list goes on and on and on.

Cheaters remind me a lot of ants. Ants are very purposeful in their quest to accomplish whatever task they need to do. If you put an obstruction in an ant's path, they simply go around it and find another route to get to where they need to be. They don't give up and just stop what they're doing because of a road block.

I see cheaters much the same way. If they want to do something, they're going to FIND a way to do it - come hell or high water.

Given my XWW's new narrative that I caused her to cheat (not sure the tortured logic around that, something about my predictability of always having a glass of wine and nuts while reading my iPad after work), I am super relieved to have declared our year long R attempt a failure.

My heart goes out to BS's who hung in there, only to suffer again.

I am back in IC learning how to live in my post-A world. During a recent talk with her I told her that I believed once he has cheated, it will be easier to do so again because that taboo has been crossed. I expected her to agree with me. Instead, she looked me solidly in the eyes and said, "But maybe because he did criss that line and saw what it cost him, he'll never want to repeat it". It stopped me cold. Because it's what my H has ofyen told me...why he believes he will never cheat or be deceitful to me again.

So like others here, I have no guarantees. I only have what I've seen, and what is now before me. After all we've been through since I discovered his secret life, if he failed again I'd know if done all I could to help him and could walk away. And I know I would walk, because I've learned a lot, too much to return to that place. And I'm at peace with that knowledge.

I truly doubt he'll go down that path again. But there's always a chance he will. We all need to accept that reality, I think. Because when we do, we have to accept that ultimately we are on our own. And be prepared for that new life that would await us. It's not pleasant for me to think this way, but infidelity has opened my eyes to realities I was sheltered from previously. There is no going back. And I'm able to love and live in the moment now, maybe selfishly. I'm living a good life of my creation, with a caring partner at my side. I'd rather have this life today than one without him. And I will until he does something to change how I view my life today.

Good point psychmom. I agree with you, there are no guarantees. those of us in R know that but we take a risk. NTV, I agree with you that if my H could have an A again after seeing the devastation he caused me then I will turn and walk away, not letting the door hit me in the ass. I will never, NEVER, again go thru what I did again. We are at a really good place right now and I am now married to a "new" man - even better than the one I originally married. But I know of his addictive behavior so I watch. But I don't police.

Each and every day he reminds me that he is working hard to be a better person. And I see it and I like it. I too work on creating a better M. So little by little we move forward. No, I don't think he will cheat again based on his current behavior. But I know now that there are no guarantees in life and love. So I am here, eyes wide open, enjoying my new M but never letting my guard completely down.

In the meantime I enjoy our lives together. The M 2.0 we created.

The POS barely made it a year before I busted him peddling a sob story to some woman online about how he was being controlled and mentally abused by me with the accountability measures HE agreed to as terms of reconciliation.

He had the poor thing spewing out concern kibbles as fast as he could gobble them up.

On my end, he was complying with all my reconciliation terms, and appeared to be "doing the hard work". But it was just more mindfuckery.

It really shows how disordered some of these cheaters are when they'll invest all the time and effort into appearing to be working on reconciliation, but it's all just a ruse.

A dozen. But there was nothing healthy or adaptive about the reconciliation—it was 100% one-sided, and the second Dday represented only being caught, not the end of a successful recommitment or some sort of “slip.”

I was duped, plain and simple.

What NoMercy said is what happened to me. He did the "work' seemingly. Checked all the boxes and submitted to my every request...enthusiasticly. PsychDs are costly and the only thing I learned was that there was nothing wrong with him.

I divorced him 2 years after DD#1. STICKER SHOCK set in with having to pay hefty $$$ for 4 minor kids. Plus he never wanted to be a part-time dad. OW wanted no parts of him living with her while see raised her kids so they made a plan. We remarried. Many moons later I caught wind of it. Our marriage was good before his affair so I never had a benchmark to track bad behavior.

Those 4 kids have been wittled down by death and ageing out of the child support system. He divorced me this last go round after I got informed by others and a subsequent hot grits situation. Still have baby girl in high school but that's more manageable for him than having to pay for 4. He was up in the cut getting his ducks in a row...while knocking himself out doing "the work". Of course, I knew nothing of this as it was playing out. Total time served was about 14-15 years.

[This message edited by CopiousTears at 9:31 AM, November 28th (Tuesday)]

I never had a successful R. I spent 3yrs in false R with him telling me what I wanted to hear and doing just enough to keep me hoping that our marriage could be saved. Unfortunately it was all a ruse and he had continued to cheat and lie the whole 3yrs.

I had filed for D on DDay#1. I should have just walked away then and trusted my gut and my brain instead of my heart. I let him convince me that OW meant nothing and had blackmailed him for 2yrs to keep I'm in the LTA. Then on DDay#2 I started to detach from the marriage because I knew he wasn't being honest and that I couldn't nice him back or play the pick-me dance anymore. I was so embarrassed that I let him use me for so long. I stayed to get my ducks in a row and I finally did, much to his astonishment when I kicked him to the curb.

I don't know if I could ever try R with another person again. I am getting remarried next year to a guy that has never cheated. He is a widower of a woman that had chronic health problems. They were together over 20yrs when she died and he never cheated on her. If however he does ever cheat, I won't even try to R. At that point I will be done.

This is everyone's fear. I know it is my greatest fear. I can't imagine doing this to WH what has been done to me. The pain being unbearable at times. My WH says all the right things and does and is so much more than he ever was now. But I caught him 10 months later still talking to the AP and that has made me question whether or not it will ever stop or did stop. I know he is better at hiding everything now. I will feel like the biggest fool if this is happening again. I don't think I have the mental tools to deal with it. I will have to leave and disappear somewhere where no one could ever find me. Marriage again after this? NO WAY

For me it was a 9 year gap between my FWW's first affair and her recent period of cheating.

I honestly thought we did all the work too. Her first affair was a work friend that went down a slippery slope. I discovered pretty quickly and it was really a PA for only about a month.

Most of my best memories in our marriage are from this period of the next 9 years but then things started to get strained. She formed an unhealthy friendship with a couple of younger female coworkers and had one of these long running group chats going on where I felt she was regressing into being childish.

Work started to go badly and her self esteem issues again resurfaced. I think we honestly thought this was a secondary issue from the first affair.

It turns out she has a real issue with being surprised by attention from men and started doing anything and everything to keep that attention going. Once that started the next 10 months until discovery were a dark pit of hook ups with two different co workers with no emotional attachment at all.

The moral of the story is the real core issues really weren't correctly diagnosed or identified in the first affair. She is/was a very flawed individual with unhealthy self worth and ways to build up that self worth as well as coping mechanisms.

I believe her that she very much does not want to be that person but its so much work to change a lifetime of needs and coping mechanisms.

I just don't feel it was rugsweeping as much as incomplete understanding of very deep issues.

This is all our worst fears for all of us who have decided to R. I am still fence sitting but I think it is because if I fear I commit myself back to the relationship I could be hurt like this again.

I am sorry for all who have to go through this a second time.

Well, technically, my worst fear is heights, so.... there is that.

Hi. I am grateful to have all of you and at the same time I hate that we all have to be here. My H had a PA in 2003, then because of the guilt he had an EA in 2004. I forgave him and decided to give my heart back to him. Fast forward to Sept. 1, 2017, that is the day I found out he was having an EA with a woman he knew from work. They text hundreds of times daily. In 3 months they had sent 18,000 text messages. I am trying to live in the moment. We are trying to R. I love him but trust and respect are not in my heart right now.

Hi. I am grateful to have all of you and at the same time I hate that we all have to be here. My H had a PA in 2003, then because of the guilt he had an EA in 2004. I forgave him and decided to give my heart back to him. Fast forward to Sept. 1, 2017, that is the day I found out he was having an EA with a woman he knew from work. They text hundreds of times daily. In 3 months they had sent 18,000 text messages. I am trying to live in the moment. We are trying to R. I love him but trust and respect are not in my heart right now.

That many texts, and never met i private? Did you check the credit card bill for hotel room charges on days he was home?

They never met in private. Of all things she lied to him and said she lived and worked out of state but she really lives about 7 miles from us and works at the courthouse in the county where he works. . I guess when she found out he was married she lied to prevent a PA. The text were nonstop for an average of 17 hours a day. You can literally see where he sleeps and then they start right back up for an average of 200 daily. It hurts so much that my heart literally feels like it could explode.

The princess's first affair was 95-98. She confessed out of the blue one night (went straight into TT mode). I spent alot of time feeling like a failure and racked my brain to figure out what I did wrong. Then the rugsweeping set in, big time. We separated for a year and began to "date" again. We bought a new house and finally she was ready to have children. Fast forward to 2015 and I find out by accident the A #2 was on. I learned all the sordid details. This was much harder on me than the first time. False R for almost a year when I discovered the A never ended. The sad thing is I knew it was false R from the beginning, I just wasn't ready to accept it. D was final August 31st of this year.

Here is the thing for me. Had I D the first time I would not have my wonderful DDs. They are my life. I can not imagine not having them. Would I have had other children, sure but not them. Although the princess turned out to be a horrible human being, I got two of the most precious children I could have ever hoped for.

Now that I am in NB, I am trying really hard not to wonder if every woman I might date is going to hurt me. I know I can't control what others may do, but I am determined not to stand on the sidelines because I am scared. If I can handle 2 A's, I can handle anything!

In the end, had we done things right I think we might have made it. As it is, we did everything wrong. So here I am.

About 7 years--things were awesome, then 3 months later the worst.

The red flags were there. My XWW never killed off her feelings toward her LTAP. When he reached out, they connected, and she didn't immediately prevent that, things fell apart.

Big fear for me. In fact the biggest I think. She texts her friends and says it's 'ridiculous' that I would think she is capable of cheating now. This is someone who cheated a few times and kept it all from me for nearly 2 decades while we had kids and built a home and family. But it's ridiculous that the person she destroyed emotionally would worry that she might do it again.

She says she won't and that she has changed but if the conditions were repeated and we weren't getting on for an extended time, would her fragile ego really not go looking for someone to pay her attention? I don't know but she seems to be offended by the fact that I doubt her.

Hell, I was lonely and needed attention back then too but I didn't start sending suggestive emails to women I worked with and making eyes at them.

The only silver lining is that we are older now and I guess she's not a young, pretty thing any more so those sort of guys are going to be looking at someone else.