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Thinking about "only" a ONS- I actually have more understanding of a close friendship growing inappropriate over time. He had sex with a rando with no lead up, no slippery slope of emotion or closeness. The sudden shift makes for its own brand of upsetting.

well said, strugglebus.

Thinking about "only" a ONS- I actually have more understanding of a close friendship growing inappropriate over time. He had sex with a rando with no lead up, no slippery slope of emotion or closeness. The sudden shift makes for its own brand of upsetting.

I am "lucky" enough to have to deal with both a ONS and an affair (I'm sure that I am not the only one).

My WW met her AP for dinner in 2008 and went to a hotel with him afterwards, knowing that she probably wouldn't see him again. There is a special awfulness when your spouse is willing to risk an entire marriage for a night's roll in the hay.

My WW then decided to have more of a traditional EA/PA with the same guy in 2015-2016. I have all sorts of issues with that too.

To be honest, a ONS and a longer affair are both awful.

The only silver lining in the original post is that he confessed. That's a good indication of remorse/regret compared to the wayward spouse reading the cheater's handbook, someone who lies, gas lights, and denies even when the proof is well beyond reasonable doubt.

Thank you, all. It's been a hard week. I was at a family wedding with my WH and hearing all the great toasts and hopefulness - it hurt. The best man said what impressed him most about the couple's future was that the groom would always respect the bride and put her first because that's the kind of guy he was. And I thought - I've been so disrespected and forsaken and for what? And I feel weak for not having left him. I always said I would before this happened to me - if someone ever cheated or hit me, I'd be out the door. And yet here I am, working, trying. It makes me feel like a doormat sometimes. But he is remorseful, though sometimes it feels like it is about his self perception as much as my pain. He said the wedding was torture for him too because he kept thinking - "God I hope he does better than me" when before it would have been "Gosh I hope they are as happy as us." I appreciate that he feels bad, but I kind of want it to be about my pain all the time, not his. I feel like I deserve for it to be exclusively about me and my pain. Is that as self-centered as it sounds?

[This message edited by nextday at 11:01 PM, July 9th (Monday)]

nextday:

If he is truly remorseful and empathetic it would be all about your pain, and his pain would not be mentioned.

My fWW had a ONS during our fifth year of M. She went with a friend to her office Xmas Party while I stayed home and crammed for grad school finals. She did not get home until after midnight, obviously very drunk and sobbing. She immediately confessed to kissing two guys at the party and having sex with a third guy afterwards.

I told her that after my exam the next day we were going to separate so I could get my head straight and finish my exams. The next day she moved in with a friend. We had no children. Three weeks after DDay I filed for D. She was furious that I filed but she understood that I was not going to tolerate living in a dysfunctional M. I had survived a very dysfunctional family growing up and she knew I wasn’t going to be in that situation again.

We were separated for five months with very little contact except for financial stuff. I moved on with grad school and lived my life, but with deep sadness. Five months in to separation my WW tracked me down and pleaded for a chance to save the M. We had lunch and she showed me the changes she had made for me! She had quit her old job and got a new one. Before she left she apologized to the employer for her behavior at the Xmas party. She talked to women coworkers about how she was perceived at work. They told her she was seen as too open, flirty, and sometimes dressed inappropriately. She changed her demeanor, cut her hair, and dressed in a more professional manner. She gave me letter apologizing for her behavior with as many details as she could recall of the incident. She agreed that if we could not attend office functions together she would not attend. ( this was a big deal for my WW, she loved socializing more than breathing.)

We went on a few dates and a few months later I felt that her changes were real and we moved back in together and I dropped the D proceedings. I still had a lot of anger and hurt, but she was consistent in her changes and actions to make me feel safe. I decided at about the 18 month mark that if we were to move ahead I would need to make myself vulnerable

to her and let go of my anger. We moved on to have a fulfilling and happy M. This year we will celebrate our 45th wedding anniversary. Good luck to you.

I haven't been to a wedding since D-day, over three years ago.

- I've been so disrespected and forsaken and for what?

Oh, this is a question that never really has much of an answer. You'll see it written about often enough on SI that there is something 'broken' within a WS that leads them down that road, that allows them to betray themselves and everyone around them. I think it's extremely hard for a BS to understand because we're simply not wired the same way.

That's one of the hardest things for a BS to accept. We married 'broken' people and never realized that brokenness was there until our WS betrayed themselves.

The sheer magnitude of the injustice begs for something upon which to cling; something, anything, to help us make sense of the senseless.

And I feel weak for not having left him. I always said I would before this happened to me - if someone ever cheated or hit me, I'd be out the door.

You're not alone. I think many, if not most of us, feel the same way. Reality, however, isn't that simple, especially when young children are involved (along with finances, debt, mortgages, insurances and so on and so fucking forth).

There have certainly been times when I've felt weak for not having divorced my wife. The truth is, though, that I'm not weak. I was certainly devastated and unhinged for a long time, but I recovered and found the strength and courage to stand up and let my wife know, in no uncertain terms, what our marriage would look like moving forward. I wasn't weak for staying and protecting my son, an obligation I felt then and still feel today is a far greater one than to myself (that, and the fact that he was only four years old at the time and I didn't want to miss out on so much of his youth).

I kind of want it to be about my pain all the time, not his. I feel like I deserve for it to be exclusively about me and my pain. Is that as self-centered as it sounds?

No, it's not. At the same time, however, it's not entirely possible, either. Your WH can do his best to focus on you and helping you to heal, but he's going to be dealing with his own shit at the same time. He'll be dealing with an equally profound level of guilt and shame. Hopefully, he'll be doing these things if he wants to grow, change and save his marriage.

You may find this difficult to believe, but I've always thought that a WS has a much harder road to travel when it comes to reconciliation. We have to recover and heal ourselves and then decide the road we want to travel. For a WS, however, the road is paved with guilt and shame, regret and remorse. It's a road of deep introspection and reflection, or hard work, consistency and mindfulness. The road they must travel is one of redemption.

Keep your chin up, nextday. Focus on you, your recovery and healing.

Unhinged - thank you so much for that post. It really helped me a lot.

Oh gosh - nextday - my husband had a ONS and he was sober! Four months is still so new and the agony still exists. You still try to reconcile the person you thought you knew with the person who caused so much pain. I'm almost a year from DDay and we are definitely in a better place...I don't know that I will ever trust him again. But I just wanted to say that you aren't alone and Barcher144 said it best:

There is a special awfulness when your spouse is willing to risk an entire marriage for a night's roll in the hay.