SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I live in a "no-fault" state. Even if I was faithful the entire marriage, and she had/has 15 affairs, everything is still split 50/50.

Your lawyer can discuss child support. Since she earns more she may end up paying you. Also you may want to look into full custody. If she's going down the road to crack head town this may be the best for the children.

I repeat, do not let her boyfriend and his crew near your children.

Discuss this with your lawyer ASAP.

I live in a "no-fault" state. Even if I was faithful the entire marriage, and she had/has 15 affairs, everything is still split 50/50.

And she may agree to give you more if she really wants out.

You think she's lost her marbles but what you have is classic detachment. She's way ahead of you in those terms. Whatever future she envisages she sees it clearly and you while she might not necessarily want to hurt you, will absolutely run you over in order to get where she's going to.

Communicating with her just seems to be pissing you off more and more. Maybe you need to cut off communication not just to help you detach but to also give you some space and whatever clear thinking room because all you actions seem to be reactions to her moves.

Even now she's calling wanting to sit down and divide the property up with no lawyers involved..how do you think that's going to go before it turns into a slanging match where you end up regretting your reactions even more?

She's talking about dividing up properties? Then consult a lawyer, know your rights and get your ducks in order. Start to take control of the situation and stop being forced to react to her moves. You'll talk to her when you're good and ready. Not a moment before.

Take charge.

Here's some comic relief from my bat-shit crazy wife. About 5,6 weeks ago, we were in the house, talking about this separation she wanted. She said she wanted me to get an apartment, and she wanted us both to see other people while separated.

I said no, that's stupid. If we are going to separate, we should both go to IC to work on ourselves, and our own issues. She was adamant about the dating. I brought up this guy from work, "J". I mentioned her seeing him, and what I already knew. That's when she actually said this -

"Even "J" said I should be seeing other people, not just him"

She actually said this. This is who she is tying her wagon to. Sounds like he's committed to her long term.

Step away from the crazy. Seriously, you'll only hurt more. You're like a moth pulled into the flame of her dysfunction.

I know it's hard (really), but DETACH DETACH DETACH.

I haven't said more then 10 words to her in the last 3 weeks. She's infuriated at "the way I'm acting" - not answering her calls, not returning her texts (up to today when she mentioned mediation and I said I'll have to talk to my lawyer), not talking at home.

She called me today, I didn't answer. She follows up a few minutes later with a text -

"Can't accept my calls either I guess. Just to let you know, (our son) was accepted at one of the universities he applied to"

Do you think I hurt her feelings by ignoring her?

#sarcasm

Good job! But, detachment is more than just NC. It's coming to terms with the fact that she just isn't part of your life any more. This will take a very very long time. But the rewards are priceless.

^ ^ ^ ^ ...... yes, and much better to vent your hurt and confusion here where we all know exactly how horrible the shit sandwich is.

Crickets seem to be working ok with your WW.

Keep strong.

MOB

Here's another text from her today. She texted me about talking about the Mediation.

"No response, as usual. Didn't want to do it this way, but you're not leaving me with alot of options , so I'll proceed with this on my own"

She's literally lost her mind.

Well JM, it looks pretty clear that her "wondering if we can talk", was about finances, division of assets and debts etc.

In which case you were very wise to give it a swerve until you have gone through this with your own lawyer.

Mediation?

Is this something that has already been set up for your D?

MOB

First I've heard of the Mediation. By now you can see my wife is a bit of a control freak. She wants to go through Mediation and split everything 50/50.

She was the one who stepped out of the marriage. She was the one that wanted the divorce. She was the one who put me through extreme pain while going out all night with another guy.

Maybe I want 50/50, plus alimony.

She makes a pretty penny you know. That $50,000 sportscar of hers might have to be sold.

Your lawyer will advise you to document everything with regards to child care.

If you are doing more with the children this could be critical in determining custody ratio's.

Don't assume it's 50-50 automatically.

JM,

If I were you I would go for primary custody plus childcare and temporary spousal support.

Your wife is presently an unfit parent. She wasn't before. She won't be unfit at some point in the future. But currently she is.

You will not be able to work if you are watching the kids fulltime.

Get to a lawyer and file first. Don't let her know your plans other than asking her, again, if she is willing to stop the affair(s) and rejoin the family.

One more thing.

My wife went deeper into la la land than yours has.

Three years later, we are remarried and she is functioning as a mother again.

Divorce doesn't have to be a terminal outcome. You can stop proceedings or remarry.

Hah!

I'm pretty sure that you both have to agree to Mediation

Or is she planning to mediate on her own?

Again, probably something to run by your legal advisor before you agree.

Stay strong JM.

MOB

JM,

Dude, Lawyer Lawyer Lawyer and repeat...

Lawyer.

Keep ignoring the texts. If you have not hired a lawyer do so immediately. Continue the silence and do not speak to her.

Agree to nothing without legal rep. Take the day off work and get papers drawn up. Protect yourself. Don't let her bait you into a fight. Channel your anger into constructive action.

While you have the day off pick up a VAR and wear it around her. She might try some crazy shit to say you threatened her or abused her. She knows her side of this don't look good so she will try to paint you as the crazy one. Be the calm adult. Handle your business. You will be okay.

I went to my AA meeting, and at the end, just emotionally lost it. Deep down, I'm worrying about my son in rehab for heroin, and the excruciating pain and anger my wife is putting me through. I just lost it and couldn't stop crying.

I'm now back at my office, and can't go home. I can't let her see me like this.

How did this happen? My life fell apart, and I'm made to feel like a piece of shit on top of it.

I've never felt this kind of pain before.

Dude, it sucks. The pain is real. I remember nights of not being able to sleep because I was shaking and my heart was racing like 200 beats per minute.

This garbage can put you in a state where you are incapable of rational thoughts and actions.

That's why right now it is so critical for you to take some deep breaths and formulate a concise plan. Think about how much better your life will be when this trauma is over and you are heading down the road to healing. Now, consider the critical choices and actions that will best set up that healing. It's all about YOU and those kids. Your best interests. She is like an emotional hose, sucking the life out of you. It's not easy to fully detach that hose. But you gotta keep working on it.

Accept no blame. Keep ignoring her. Deep breaths. One day at a time. Stick to the plan like it's gospel. The plan gives you focus. Rehearse it and follow it through. You are strong and you will get through this.

Strength and prayers brother.

You have 25 yrs of shared experience. You thought you'd have 25 more. Sorting through the rubble of the explosions they detonate is an agonizing process. It is complicated by your wife ( who is now a stranger ) being your partner for your entire adult life.

It is unfair.

It is perplexing.

It is devastating.

Of course you broke down after a meeting. This sorrow and rage and confusion had to come out. You are human. This shit is brutal. You needed the release.

Stay in touch with your son in rehab. It sounds as if the facility he's in is flexible about communication ( not typical for rehabs - I was really surprised he was on social media while in treatment ) . Let him know you are available and that you love him. Keep going to meetings. If you don't have an active sponsor now would be a good time to find one.

But mostly, cut yourself some slack. It's not bullshit, this five year projection. It takes a long time. I too had been married 25 yrs and was crazy in love with my ex. My early weeks almost killed me. But, after I regained my footing I knew that I had to find peace and happiness and that would not happen with a man I could not trust.

Hang in there friend. It does get better.