SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So Rambler, how exactly does this help dx8 get himself out of infidelity OR help his wife find remorse for her betrayal?

it helps by getting to the core of what is driving her behavior. what he is doing now is not working so why continue

we can continue to fan the flames but it is not going to help

she is in fact a victim of abuse just like a poster like unhinged is a victim of adultery.

x8 will not move out of infidelity nor will his ww show remorse until she feels safe

Hmmmm...

True remorse doesnt come with strings attached.

It comes from a place of raw humility.

There is a lot of pride and stubborness in this situation.

OP is clinging onto his WS feeling something which just is just not there.

And his WS has shown him over and over that it is not there.

Its clear to see their whole relationship is one of codependency.

What I wonder is, is OP subconsciously worried about losing that weird CoD dynamic now that WS is hard out concentrating on herself, becoming stronger and more independent?

WS has made it clear she is only focused on fixing herself. Being BPD maybe that is all she has the strength to do?

Whatever the reason she is not going to throw you a lifeline. Its up to you to sink or swim.

I wish we had examples of his current "abusiveness" - even his WW admits it was 17 years ago - and refuses to give more recent examples.

I hate seeing the "2 camps" things happening on SI...it's hard not to do when they are both active on the same issue.

All we can do is support Dx8 with the info we have and it's dangerous to add suppositions to the situation - especially if the one party is being intentionally elusive.

^^^^

and the wayward party is seemingly posting simply to try to neutralize support for her betrayed spouse. That, unfortunately is often what happens when a betrayed spouse reveals this place to an unremorseful wayward.

Hmmmm.By saying it "helps get to the core of what is driving her behavior", it shockingly sounds as if you are blaming the OP for his wife cheating on him, and her continued abuse of the family. Surely that's not what you're saying?

He has shown remorse for the one slap 17 years ago. He has said over and over in this thread, that he regrets it, he is remorseful, he apologized, and he has made sure to never ever repeat that behavior again. If you read his posts it also says that his wife beats the hell out of him a lot. She hits herself, hits him, and she too has spanked the girls. So it's if we're going to go by your logic you believe once a cheater always a cheater? Because what you're saying basically is because he slapped his wife 17 years ago,when learning over her first affair, he should forever wear the label of abuser . How is that fair?

I have asked his wife to give specific examples of his abuse. She's decided not to do that. I have a feeling that this abuse she claims that she is living with, is nothing more than the typical anger of a betrayed spouse, who has found out that their spouse has had eight affairs, triee to have at least three more... but was turned down by other men, and continues to have no empathy for the pain that she has caused, has no remorse for what she has done, refuses to go no contact with her many affair partners, blames him for everything that she has done, and he is trying his best to deal with that. Sure it's going to piss him off. He's probably yelling. He's probably calling her names. While name-calling isn't the best way to go about things if he's calling her names and those names fit it's not abuse.

Wow. I spent a little time looking at both you and your WW's differing points of view, DX8. Not a pretty picture.

I know that lots of people work through R together after infidelity and many are successful. That said, I think the damage here is just too much. At 38, you're still a young guy. And all this crazy-making gaslighting went on for so much of your adult life that I can't imagine you even know who you are when you're not being manipulated.

You're depressed, moody, occasionally volatile. But who might you be if the source of conflict was no longer goading you? You've been in this situation for so long, how would you even begin to know?

You've got two kids, you've been together with your WW your whole adult life; it would seem on the surface that there's a lot worth saving.

Sometimes though, the shit sandwich is just too big. I think the litmus test on that is whether you even know who you are when you're not sitting at the table trying to choke down another bite.

While I feel enormous sympathy for your WW and wish her much success on her own journey, to you... I would recommend divorce, with as much care and good will as you each can muster, and with alacrity.

People are right when they tell you that at a certain point, the BS must become responsible for his own healing. I think it's improbable that you'll do that in situ. Without getting away from the source of your distress, I don't know how you can make a safe place from which to explore your own wants, needs, strengths, and weaknesses, to find out who you are without negative impetus.

We make our own monsters in life. She made you... a guy who has no experience other than being Plan B and who keenly feels every emotion which goes along with that.

Give yourself permission to become Plan A for once. Be Plan A for YOU. When you find that happy guy, the one who isn't looking over his shoulder all the time waiting for the next bomb to drop, the one who isn't stuck with a mountain of shit sandwich in front of him and dreading the next bite... I think you'll find yourself not only more content in your day-to-day, but also a better dad to your children. Maybe even, dare we say it.. happy someday.

So sorry, (for both of you really). But I think you're probably toxic together.

Can you ask your WW to stop all the hypocritical BPD-driven nonsense she's been posting?

Her posting has become disruptive outside of the Wayward Forum but I really doubt dummy can make her stop given he's never been able to make her do anything else. I think it's best for posters to ignore her and stop giving her the attention that she's seeking.

Rambler, I strongly disagree. That sounds like blame shifting and by that logic, Dummy should be the cheater since he has faced physical and emotional abuse from his WW throughout that 17 years. He's not safe at all.

x8,

She will always find someone to believe her as you have witnessed. You need to protect yourself and remove yourself from the situation.

Rambler...

It is NOT a fact that she is a victim of abuse. IT is a fact that she has stated that she was smacked 17 years ago.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 10:00 AM, December 16th (Friday)]

Something I don't think you realize...She has been painting you as her abuser for a very long time. Not just since her first post here..but all over town.

All of her colleagues...all of her OM...all of her friends...all of her family. She has made you the bad guy, in order to explain her bad behavior. It is so very common for the OW to paint herself as a victim of domestic violence...for many reasons. It causes the OM to play the knight in shining armor. It makes the other men's wives not feel safe in contacting you when they discover the affair(how often do we see that excuse on here?? "My husband said her husband is violent, I can't tell him, he might attack my family.). It also paves the way for her,when she files for divorce..or when you file..so the police..And the judges are on her side. After all, you've been beating her for years...throw the book at him!! It means the next time she hits you, if you attempt to call the police, when they arrive they won't believe you. Add in that she hits herself, and it will be very easy for them to arrest you..after all...they've known you've been beating her for years.

It is so very important that you have a VAR on you at all times. Including a few around the house. Actually,cameras around the house would be best. To protect yourself. She is an attorney. She knows how to set you up. She's been setting you up for years.

x8, if I were you I would be done with this wife. Otherwise, you're stuck in limbo with an unremorseful serial cheater. And who wants to live like that? File and move on. You deserve way better than this shit sandwich you're being forced to consume.

ivehadit01...

I see it a couple of different ways for you...

1. Stop reading her threads and trying to create camps.

2. Stop reading her posts and either be helpful and supportive or you can move onto another site permanently.

thank you

PLEASE LISTEN TO confused615!!!!

I agree with Prissy. Confused nailed it. Your WW probably has been building a case against you for your entire marriage, to anyone who would listen. Be very careful.

Confused is right.

Your wife led everyone here to believe that physical abuse was continual. When the truth finally came out, it was one instance a million years ago. But had you not been here to clarify and tell your side, she would have continued the lie. You think for a second that she hasn't continued to do that IRL?

Everyone in your town believes you are a monster. Because she has set it up that way. You have been played. And she wins. She gets the house. She gets the kids. She gets to keep her life. And you stand to lose it all. With everything she's done and with her connections, your word against hers will mean nothing. They won't give you the benefit of the doubt. Because based off her words and actions for YEARS, you're the monster.

VAR. Stat. Lock down your accounts. Change your passwords. Get an IC that specializes in helping those married to disordered spouses. Get yourself stronger. Get yourself safer. Because not only do you lose everything, she gets the kids. And if she continues the path she's on, she will ruin them.

You have to think past the love fantasy in your head. Think of your children. What kind of future do you want for them? If you're cut out of their lives, then what?

^^^^^PLEASE LISTEN TO AUBRIE!

Until you have been in the presence of a smart disordered person, most will have no idea or even believe how much manipulation one person can generate. Just describing the methods or your timeline with a BPD will make you either appear to be the crazy one or appear to be an extremely weak, needy person. People do not want to believe that there are those among us who can plot and achieve such diabolical plans without cooperation from their victim. Even the victim has a hard time pinning down the gradual steps that refined and wore down their life into the game. Deception, pain, confusion, chaos, etc becomes normal, while real authenticity and truth becomes something to ridicule and shame. Trying to do the right thing becomes an action against them that has to be punished or turned back on you. You become evil and they become the justified. Extrication will be painful because you have children involved. Other than finding a specialist to help you maneuver through this, I have no other advice, just understanding.

If nobody minds me asking, is DX8's WW posting. What is her handle?

Thanks for the PM, now I am in fucking wonderment. Cognitive dissonance much? Wow!