SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There are no words to ease your grief walk, but you have many companions. Unfortunately, your ws is not one. I know how much you want to lean into him and share the grief of losing Niki, to experience with him the depths of your pain, to be with someone who has lost as much as you have. From what you write, your ws is not going to share grief with you - it hurts that he will turn to someone else for that. I cannot imagine how painful that is for you.

These early weeks and months of grief are unbearable. Each person's grief walk is unique - but many can empathize and some can share their own experience about losing a child. You will continue to find those people here.

Maybe it's time to move on from ws. Keep the insurance, but stop looking to him for anything beyond that. If he cannot walk with you right now, then he cannot help you.

I am so very sorry you have lost so much in such a short time frame. So very sorry...

[This message edited by ktm250mx at 3:13 AM, May 10th (Saturday)]

HB I can not begin to imagine the depths of grief you are in right now. I lost someone that I loved dearly to homicide and within a couple of months started suspecting Ex's A. I can only imagine that if it had been one of the children I lost how much more devastating it would have been. As it was that was a very dark time for me and I have dificutly remembering it even today four years later. I will try to tell you what I did to survive that time.

IC was paramount even though at the time it seemed like it was doing nothing to help I can see now looking back that I might not have made it without IC. I did find one who specializes in greif and breavement and I think that was the key in the long run.

I was completely isolated at the time this happened, no support network of friends or family. I was struggling with my alcoholism at this time and trying to get sober. I had a woman who was my sponsor and she was the one I leaned on...alot. Again there were times I don't think I would have survived without her. She would literally sit with me for hours just letting me talk and cry. Doesn't seem like much but having someone who could "hear" me and "see" me at those times allowed me to grieve and get through it and not feel quite so alone.

I cryed...alot. But I didn't want to do it in front of the kids. So I spent alot of time in the parking lot at the local groceery store in my car just sobbing. Allow yourself to cry as much as you need to.

When the anger hit and seemed overwhelming I would just get in my car blast loud music and drive......with no destination...just drive. I remember it felt like trying to outrun the devil himself. When I calmed down some I would just turn around and head back home.

Stick with IC. If this one isn't working find one who will, but bear in mind none of them can provide immediate relief. They can only walk through the worst of this with you.

I too did not find much comfort in the groups I went to. I just felt like they couldn't relate to me or my situation.

Get at least one support person who is able to be available to you no matter what time day or night. I can not stress enough how much having my sponsor just listen helped.

Force yourself to do the basics...eat even if it is only once a day...but get SOMETHING in to your body.

Stop worrying about the day to day crap. Let the dishes pile up if necessary, laundry, all of it can wait. Focus on one small task at a time and forget the rest for now. I promise the world won't stop if you do.

And mostly talk, scream, cry, whatever you need to do to get some of it out Don't stuff it.

Finally be patient with yourself, don't give yourself a timeline to be functional again. It will happen when it happens.

And if I may offer a small shred of hope.........the others are right...you never "get over" it. You simply learn to live with it. For me even after all these years it is ever present, but it no longer colors everything else in my life. Today the good memories are alive and I am able to embrace them and truely honor what Mom meant to me and still does. In that sense she is still very much alive and present in my day to day life. I talk to her all the time.

I wish you Godspeed HB and you and your family are and have been in my prayers.

((((HB)))) ((((HB))))) (((((HB))))))

Like so many here, words escape me. I don’t have the words to comfort you. I can only begin to imagine the pain you are feeling. Nothing I’ve ever felt can come close to the pain you have.

I’ve only seen the pictures of your precious girl that were posted here. What a gorgeous, spirited, sweet girl! I agree whole heartedly with kidsbane’s words. She is very much alive in you. Right now it’s too fresh and too raw but I think there will come a time when you can pick yourself up and live well for her. You need your time to grieve and everyone’s time is different but you know in your heart of hearts that your baby girl would want you to be happy and some day, you’ll find it. You’ll never get over it. But one day, you will learn to live with it, and live well at that.

Your STBX is a complete douchebag. Like you, I hope knowing he was with his whore when he could have been spending time with you and the children eats him like a cancer.

(((( HB )))

I wish I had words to take away your pain. I cannot imagine how you feel. I don't have any children of my own, but have a StepD that I love deeply. I'm so very sorry your having to go through this.

I hope this doesn't come across to harsh...But is your STBXH there because you asked him to come back for your son, or did he come back because he wanted to, on his own ?

Is he helping the situation by being there ? How is your son reacting to his being there ?

It sounds to me like he is triggering you big time and IMO you don't need this to deal with right now. He's not helping you at all...telling you that he is resentful of your time spent with your children is like putting salt on your wounds. We all know that if he had made other decisions, he would have had more time with his kids too. He's blameshifting.

You don't need this !!!!!

He sounds toxic...I'd send him back to OW and have as little contact with him as possible. He can still spend time with your son, but maybe away from you.

You need to be allowed to grieve the loss of your precious daughter, not re-living his infidelities. He's not going to help you, it isn't going to get you in a better place. He needs to leave.

He is a constant reminder of traumatic things in your life and you simply don't need that right now.

I say these things with kindness and concern for you HB. I hope I didn't hurt your feelings.

Please continue to reach out for support. We all are here to offer a shoulder to lean on.

(( HB ))

I don't have any words of wisdom but I want to send you and your son

((((((((((HUGE HUGS))))))))))))

But is your STBXH there because you asked him to come back for your son, or did he come back because he wanted to, on his own ?

He asked if he could. He wanted to see where I put Niki.

I've got her remains on a shelf in the LR with some pictures and some of her things.

I said ok because I thought it would be good for all of us and maybe help us heal a little.

Y'all have helped me so much.

I love y'all.

I don't think it'll last much longer because I'm just not up to playing house or happy family with him knowing what I know and wtf should I enable him in continueing his dual lifestyle?

Had a long talk w/ DS a couple nights ago that was very enlightening.

He said that time 2 yrs ago when they walked in OW's house that the people there seemed very laidback like stbx had just stepped out for a pack of cigarettes and they seemed to know stbx very well.

I also found out that DS has so much anger towards his father about what he's done to us.

This is another one of my new issues.

stbx has been bugging him about keeping in contact w/ him and DS doesn't really want to.

So now I have to explain to DS that it's not a good thing to cut himself off from his daddy.

Here I am defending the fucktard again to someone he's hurt almost as much maybe more than me.

That sucks.

edited to add that I'm off to a counseling session.

[This message edited by Heartless Bytchh at 1:10 PM, May 9th (Friday)]

DS has put it together.

He is wise, from you...

you don't have to say a word, now,

makes it easier

the knowing look.

just wanted to send you a (((((((((((((((HUGE HUG))))))))))))))))))

Oh HB...I just wanted to send hugs and lots and lots of support. I lost a baby during pregnancy so I can somewhat imagine your pain, but I'm sure not to the depths you have. All I want to say to you is this...if you need WH to be there to help your son cope and take some of the pressure of being the "strong" one off you even for just minutes...it's okay. Maybe have him stay in a different room? No one is saying you have to play happy family. My best friend lost her older brother when we were in JR. high and her mom and dad were going through a divorce due to infidelity at the time. The D went on hold...it still happened, but I know it helped my mother's friend to have him there to be there for my friend and her younger brother when she needed to just lock herself alone. They too were very angry with him for the infidilety, but he was their father. I will also say that when I lost my baby, my H was not there for me emotionally. And this was well before the A had started. WELL BEFORE. My H is just one of those people that have a hard time showing his emotions...which has now led us to new problems. But he did hurt...just not in the same way as I did or the two other children at the time.

You're number one priority is the grief of your beautiful girl. Allow yourself that. You've been dealing with the infidelity for awhile. Let it go on the back burner. Grieve your daughter. And even though you're not a "traditional" family at the moment, it doesn't mean you can't grieve together. Nikki was his daughter too, and he may not express his grief the way you think he should but I'm sure he is. No one is that heartless. And I'm sure he is struggling with what he has put you and those kids through because of his selfishness and thinking too about the times he lost with Nikki due to it. I'm not making excuses for him, by no means, but it may help you to think that he is grieving and now has this to add to the guilt of what he did to his family.

Set him up in his own room. Tell him you need x amount of time every day, every other day, whatever, for just you. Take your time to reflect on the beauty Nikki brought into your life. And if nothing else, your WH has one redeeming quality...he helped to give you those two precious gifts...

Hugs to you HB. And kisses, and tears and know I would hold your hand and lend you my shoulder. PM me if you'd like.

Stay strong. I can only imagine how hard that is.

Lots of love and prayers going out to you and your family.

HB....please know your always in my prayers.....

HB, I've been thinking a lot about you and wondering how you are doing.

I don't think anyone including yourself should expect you to be anywhere near ok right now.

What does your counselor say? How is he/she trying to help you?

(((HB))), I have nothing to add except one more hug. I am so very sorry for your loss.

LL