SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

OIAL-- Even though I didn't read every single post, I agree with what almost everyone here is saying:

1) yeah! so happy you found someone who ignited a spark, 2) you were absolutely right to keep your children out of your relationship 3) she was way out of line to insist that you bring them into it.

I always like to look at things from several angles and if the tables were turned and SHE was the one with the little girls and YOU were the one who was insisting that you become part of their lives (actually the way I saw it was it seemed like a hostage negotiation "you introduce me to those kids or I'm outa here and you'll never see me again!") that would be the epitome of creepiness. I have three daughters and if they were the ages of yours and a potential love interest predicated our relationship on becoming a part of their lives I would run for the hills without looking back.

I know you liked her and saw possibilities but it does indeed sound like you dodged a bullet in that she appears immature, manipulative and controlling. You can do better--we all know it, and deep down, you do as well.

[This message edited by meaniemouse at 11:37 AM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

Congrats on taking the chance with someone new!

I know it sucks, but don't be too discouraged. You did the right thing! The right woman for you would have respected your boundaries. There is nothing wrong with waiting until a relationship is more established before letting the new person meet your kids.

sounds like you made the right decision. You and your girls are the #1 priority and if she wasn't willing to understand where you were coming from as a parent, I could only imagine what else she would demand you put first for her instead of your wants or your families needs.

The guy I dated eluded to me meeting his daughter anytime, I personally was not comfortable for a few reasons. 1# was I was not ready, meeting a news SO's child is a huge deal IMO, it is likened to meeting the in laws only the children are way more fragile. Everyone needs to be ready for the kids to meet a new SO, the kids, you and the SO. You are the only one who knows when you and your kids are ready for that step, that woman knew nothing about your children, and she did not respect your judgement as a parent.

That was not a bullet you dodged, but a cannon I believe.

I haven't read the replies, so I apologize if this is repetitive.

That would have been a dealbreaker for me as well. I am not nor will I ever be cavalier about the people I bring into my children's lives, especially when it comes to a future boyfriend. My STBX is doing this right now, and I am very worried for my kids (granted, it's the OW, so there's a whole additional pile of worry here that doesn't exist in your situation). I am completely dumbfounded that my STBX has given very little thought to protecting his kids.

That's what you are doing-- protecting your kids. When you're just getting to know a person, especially when you've been put through the relationship wringer like we have, it's healthy and normal to take things slowly. I don't know how old your kids are, OIAL, but mine are young enough that if I brought a really great guy into their lives too soon and then broke up with him, I'm sure they'd be hurt, and they have already been through enough with the divorce.

So, although I'm sure that the woman you met had many wonderful qualities, the fact that she's pushing you to introduce her to your kids makes me feel uncomfortable. I think you made the right call. It's painful and very sad that the woman in question didn't understand where you were coming from (does she have kids?), but if she's like this right now in your relationship, what sort of roadblocks might she throw up in the future?

I'm sorry that it didn't work out. Truly.

(((OIAL)))

You're all saying what I need to hear, thank you so much.

It's still hard for me, because I respected her and thought she was an understanding person. But this huge blind spot? It doesn't compute, and makes me doubt myself.

I don't believe she was as into me as I was into her. How could she have been, when she was dating others as well? And why would she want to fast forward to an insta-family, when she wasn't even feeling committed to me? It's like 0 to 60 in no time flat.

Maybe it really is about control. Maybe she wants to always comes first. That could be true, I suppose. I know her well, but not intimately well.

I had told her that I had only been with one woman, and she had expressed some concern over that. She didn't want to be my rebound. My suspicion is growing that she was more uncomfortable around that than I realized, and was on the alert for any reason to bail. My reluctance to bring the kids into the mix may have served as her "out," because she didn't want to shame me by leaving me for my lack of experience.

I don't know. I'm guessing because it doesn't compute. But if not having had a first relationship after a divorce is a red flag to any decent, good woman, then I guess I'm fucked.

It isn't officially dead yet, but I think the writing is probably on the wall. The only way this could work is if she "gets it," and also looks past my altogether undignified time with her last night.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 12:52 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

Everyone is spot on, but I think jjct explained it best. You really dodged a bullet this time, most especially since you were so attracted to her. I shudder to think what might have happened if you had waivered.

But YAY! You know you can feel attraction--and strong attraction--to someone. This is epic. I'm happy & sad & happy for you.

But if not having had a first relationship after a divorce is a red flag to any decent, good woman, then I guess I'm fucked.

It's not. I'd prefer to be with a guy who didn't go nuts after his D and sow his wild oats. That guy would seem steady rather than needy.

I wasn't dating anyone else, but she never took her profile down and told me that she would keep her options open until we were committed to each other. For her, exclusivity and commitment go hand in hand, and happen at the same time. Me, I become exclusive immediately when I am attracted to someone. It was a little hard for me to think that she was casually dating others, even though she was kissing me passionately on our dates.

I was in a holding pattern waiting for her to be interested *only* in me, and she eventually sensed it and wondered what was holding me back. So we had the exclusive talk. She said that it would not happen until she was in a real, committed relationship. She didn't want to invest months in a guy that led to nowhere because he ended up not being ready. I *was* ready to give a relationship try, but that's when we ran into an impasse.

I haven't read the whole thread OIAL, but this stood out to me before I even got to the stuff about her wanting to meet kids instantly. Your perceptions of her seem to be very accurate.

I quoted the above because it is a dating strategy for women. If you google Rori Raye and circular dating you will find some info about it.

Something about the way you worded it makes me thinks she's playing a strategy to get a commitment. What the hell does she want? I would consider someone bringing up exclusivity and my agreeing to it a committed relationship. I kind of think you dodged some BS here that speaks to her issues not yours. Her lack of empathy is concerning in this situation and does strike me as controlling.

I think you are handling things very well. And I agree with everyone else--great to see that there are people you will connect with.

And a rebound to me is within the first 6-12 months after a separation/divorce. If it is after that time period, doubtful it is a rebound.

And the right woman for you won't care if you feel inexperienced (which you aren't, you just haven't had variety!). She would like that part of you and hold it as something really really special.

OIAL - I'm concerned that you keep trying to excuse her behavior by making this about something lacking in you! You have GOT to get out of this mindset that you are less than.

I think this is why we often tell people to take their time with dating. You need to go into the dating world with some fairly strong self-esteem, or you will make some bad choices.

This is not about anything lacking in you - this is about her disrespecting your boundaries.

NL

I'm sorry that this is tough. Life sucks sometimes, doesn't it?

Aside from the pain and disappointment (and not in any way meaning to minimize what you're feeling there), can you see in retrospect what everyone has been saying about it being easy when it's right, or about a relationship unfolding naturally?

I think that even connecting so well with someone, even if it didn't work out (how often does the first one work out? Almost never!), I do hope that when you are ready to get back out there, there will be some big takeaways from this experience for you.

I do hope that when you are ready to get back out there, there will be some big takeaways from this experience for you.

I hope so too. But it took sooo long (2 full years) to find someone that I had chemistry with. The thought of starting the search again is demoralizing.

It almost felt like she was the one looking for an excuse to derail things, like she was the one who isn't ready for a relationship, yet it gets put on me.

"You're the problem, NOT me."

A professional dater is good at detaching with minimal pain. Easy to "NEXT" a guy if you blameshift, "We didn't work out cuz you're not ready."

"So we had the exclusive talk."

The topic dribbled on for two long, difficult hours.

Emotional topics -- Do you love me? Should we have another baby? -- usually have a yes or no answer. I understand your need for "yes." For future reference, it is possible to change a NO to a YES, but rarely in one long, I'm gonna talk him/her into submission, particularly if you don't have a silver tongue.

Gently, and honestly, I don't think she was ready to pull down her dating profile just yet.

She said she wants to be swept off her feet,

Reality check. You were right. Your daughter will always come first before her fairy tale.

(OAIL)

I hope so too. But it took sooo long (2 full years) to find someone that I had chemistry with. The thought of starting the search again is demoralizing.

you have come a long way in two years. lately you really seem to have gained some insite on dating. I sincerely doubt it will be another 2 years. you seem to be in a much healthier place lately

Sometimes that first one is like a crack in the wall - it widens the gap of possibility and opportunity.

Also, IMO the time it takes to find a "right" person is worth the wait.

I agree with Amazonia, this first one can open your eyes to the do's and dont's and maybe even refine your taste as to what you want in your life. You did say you have limited experience with women, so take this opportunity to really find out what clicks for you and what is a dealbreaker. It seems like you already started on that path, so whoever you date next will probably be easier to "screen" ( it sounds bad I know) and identify if its worth your time. Don't be discouraged, I read somewheres that after the rain there's usually a rainbow, so hopefully your rainbow is on its way. Good luck to you.

She didn't want to have a relationship in secret from the two most important people in my life. It was underwhelming to her to hear me say I wanted to become more intimate, but that I wanted to wait before introducing her to the two most important people in my life (my kids).

This is a sign of immaturity. I had a girlfriend call me because she was struggling with the fact that her new boyfriend didn't want to introduce her, even though they were talking about a future. My exact words were, "He's a keeper!" You are a keeper, if she can't see that, then it is her issue. (BTW, they are now 3 months married).

[This message edited by Missymomma at 3:19 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

As long as she was getting the treatment that she wanted, affection flowed. But the moment something didn't sit quite right, she locked down. Made little attempt to try and see things from my children's perspective, and did not give me the benefit of any doubt.

Just once, I'd like to experience a woman who gives as much as she receives. Maybe I give too much. I mean that. Maybe I don't leave enough room for a woman to work for me. Sounds ridiculous, but I think I'm so generous and mannered that the women I've dated feel like I'm fawning over them, and I lose some respect in the process.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 4:00 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

While I think some righteous anger will help you get over this woman ...

I think I'm so generous and mannered that the women I've dated feel like I'm fawning over them, and I lose some respect in the process.

Unless you're talking cars and diamonds, I doubt you're being "too generous." Overinvested, maybe. There are *no* downsides to manners.

If you're fawning, then stop it.

Fair enough, LF. I did spend over $1000 on our 9 dates combined. That's too much, and that must stop.

It just felt so right. I thought she might be the last person I dated, so I overdid the spending.

Agreed on the manners. And no, I didn't fawn. I just fell to pieces last night. That's where my dignity took a blow.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 4:52 PM, March 6th (Wednesday)]

OK, I think I've for the most part puked it all out. I've got to remember that some things are more important than keeping the girl. Two of those things are my children, and a third is my dignity. Still some practicing to do on that last one.

I've re-read all of the responses. Good stuff here. Thank you again.