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Re:telling the kids she does not think they are developmentally ready to hear it. Also, she said if he is truly NPD then a "narcissistic wound" could cause him to do something really bad. So, more risk than reward.

Re NC she said I have to decide that. The issues I have is not so much OW anymore but with H not being loving, remorseful and supportive. So, both she and the MC (that I went to alone last week) said let the kids play but minimize my interaction w OW. And set my boundaries and stick to them regardless of H saying they are "silly".

I guess I am totaly lost.

So now you are back to allowing OW in your life by having the kids play with them? I disagree heartily. I think you need time, distance and a break from that. Certainly there would be no need to tell your kids anything if they are still going to be friends with her kids. I think it's very unhealthy. Although I do agree your biggest problem is your spouse is utterly unremorseful and unable to aid any healing at this time.

2. Re 180, she said yes, to take care of myself etc but also to be myself. e.g to make dinner but not go above and beyond by serving it on a plate to him. She said to be a role model for

My kids.

^^And I would have challenged this...

No one is telling you not to make dinner. But no way in hell would I be sitting in silence with him. I would be finished eating and so would the kids. If he wanted some, he can help himself.

Of course you are a loving person, but you also need to show your children what is and is not a healthy relationship.

That includes not being a doormat or walk all over by an unremorseful spouse, who is being mean and indifferent to the hurt he brought into your home.

No one is saying be MEAN. We are saying be indifferent. There is a difference. He wants your loving side? He will need to earn it back by his actions which show he deserves it.

And I disagree with the idea that you have no issues with the OW now. Your issue might be with your WS, but she isn't an angel either.

Only you can decide.... Hugs!

I like the idea of actually writing down a plan. I will do that today.

How's you're plan coming?

I like the idea of momof3gbb writing down what SHE wants, and taking small steps to achieve her goal(s).

NOT taking a passive stance and simply waiting for WH to give her drips of attention and drops affection.

I didn't write down my plan yet but I did go to IC and Pilates so, I feel good about that. Now home w kids (and OW kid) and H isn't home yet. We will see what tonight brings.

Also, I don't think ANY IC, MC, anyone can really know what to do or how this really feels unless they have walked in our shoes. I keep that in mind when I make decisions too.

[This message edited by momof3gbb at 6:38 PM, May 21st (Tuesday)]

No one is saying be MEAN. We are saying be indifferent. There is a difference. He wants your loving side? He will need to earn it back by his actions which show he deserves it.

^^this...

Marsha Means has an excellent video describing the 180 as "detaching with love". It isn't mean, it isn't vengeful, it isn't spiteful. It is an act of love, for yourself, and also for him because you're modeling how to love oneself, live with integrity, and live happy which is very healthy.

Everyone's 180 is different. You have to decide what's right for you. I didn't choose NC for mine. Some do. My contact is on an "as needed" basis though. There is no physical contact. Communication is limited mostly to email or IM where I'm able to have time to gather my thoughts first and avoid an emotional reaction. I also then have the opportunity to end the conversation if it becomes aggressive or he starts with name calling or blame shifting.

Feeding him wouldn't be in my 180, though. He'd have to even buy his own groceries. Consider it a favor you're doing him to test out the REALITY of single life. It's not all glitz and glamor.

Also!!! Book that airline ticket right.now.

(((momof3gbb)))

It took me many tries and many mistakes to get the 180. With each broken NC my WH had with MOW the easier the 180 became until it just stuck.

You need to start to detach for now so you can regain your footing and strength so that you will have the resolve to stick to your boundaries and decisions.

It does hurt, but eventually you begin to feel stronger and KNOW what it is that YOU need. Listen to yourself very carefully and what you really want to be happy for YOU.

I like your "as needed " basis. I'll go with that. I said hi when he walked in and he said hi. That's all. Re cooking, I actually like it so I do it but I historically would serve it to him after he is seated. No more. I set it out, he serves himself.

Here I am again. Day 10. Today is the kids class at the rec center that caused all the problems two weeks ago. My H has to pick up my Ds from his class. OW will be there. I keep thinking he will talk to her just to make me mad. Then, we have a school play. We will all be there. (OW family and ours). H went to sleep last night without a word. Again. It is so sad. Good times keep coming into my head, then I think of one of his asshole moments and I get mad. Nothing to do except hang in there and be strong. It is so hard!

[This message edited by momof3gbb at 6:14 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

Good morning, momof3gbb,

Yesterday, you didn't isolate. You reached out. That was healthy. Mark that down.

Yesterday, you cared for your emotional and mental health by attending counseling. That was healthy. Mark that down.

Yesterday, you established boundaries for yourself. That was healthy. Mark that down.

Yesterday, you took care of your physical health and went to pilates. Mark that down.

Yesterday was a positive, healthy day. Might not feel like it now, but it was.

Today, you're going to make a plan in case H talks to OW. How will you handle that? Remember, you're not controlling his choices today. If he chooses that, that's his choice. You get to choose your reaction, though. What do you feel is the best reaction?

What other plans do you have for today to keep moving in a positive healthy direction, taking care of you?

Did you buy your ticket for the weekend? Are you planning on writing a goal list today?

I honestly don't know what I will do if he talks to her. I haven't bought the ticket yet as I am still trying to coordinate coverage at my store. If I can't actually fly out of town I was thinking I would fill the days up with kids activities. One after the other of things they have been bugging me to do. Paintball, water park, etc. I don't care how much it all costs, we will just have FUN!

I don't think I can squeeze in time for myself today but I will make that list of goals.

I can't tell you what YOU will want to choose as your reaction if he talks to her, but I can tell you how I would plan the reaction. Although it would hurt like hell, I'd totally ignore him. I'd at least pretend that I care so little of his choices that I don't care what he does. I wouldn't let him get a rise out of me because of his shithead choices. He'd be invisible to me.

Then I'd probably come here to the General forum, cuss, rant, and rave to let out my emotions so they didn't get pent up, but HE wouldn't know a damn bit that he affected me.

There's time today for you. Even if it's just taking some time to turn off the radio while driving and envisioning a healthier happier you, getting in touch with the woman you're becoming. One thing I do in 180 is anytime I begin ruminating on MrWNW or the injustice of it all, I redirect my thoughts to something positive. Just doing that, you'd be amazed at how much time you suddenly get just by replacing thoughts of him with thoughts of a healthy you.

Hugs, good luck today, and hoping it goes smoothly for you.

Edit: ....and you took time to post here this morning, again, not isolating, building a support system.... already you've done something for you today. baby steps...they all get us to the destination. Be kind to yourself and recognize the progress.

[This message edited by windowsnotwalls at 7:01 AM, May 22nd (Wednesday)]

He walked right by me again and out the door.

Hugs, mom. Remember, it's his choice to do so, and a sign to you that he's so broken he is ignoring the most loving person in his life. Have compassion today for the brokenness in him, but do not internalize it. It has nothing to do with you, everything to do with him. He's broken.

Mom,

I am trying to understand your situation. I tried reading your back story. I tried looking at your older posts but it is not clear what happened. You registered back in 2010. I am not sure when your dday was and how long you have been trying to R.

Is this coldness new? What prompted it? Has he been doing well and this is a relapse? I am confused.

Hugs to you today. None of this is easy, but remember it is not about YOU!

Here's the story of what happened within the last two weeks...

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=495773&HL=28611

I will make that list of goals.

Great!! Congratulations, you've made the first move for YOU! Just put a little notebook in your purse; start the list today and add to your plan as ideas present themselves.

Think of categories that move you: social, financial, work, spiritual, health, etc.

When/how do I tell H I am going away for the weekend?

Mom

Given how things are now - you really need to find out if your husband talks to the OW at that pickup - if just to say Hi.

I would be there just to observe.

If that happens - that is a deliberate and blatant slap in the face to you. That is INTENTIONAL cruelty.

I would be thinking of a plan "right now" of what I would do if that was to occur.

My blood pressure is rising just thinking about it.