SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes. She told me the only thing she hadn't deleted was linked in because she didn't know how from her phone. Later that day he was gone from it. This was sunday before she left and I didn't mention linked in to her.

I know the weight loss is bad. It worries me but food disgusts me right now. I should get help but I don't know who I would talk to or how to do it with 3 kids work and her gone.

D-day + 4

I was more stable yesterday emotionally at least I was able to get some work done. 4 hours sleep last night. That's the most since d-day. I had a couple gronola bars. Total weight loss is now at 12 pounds.

She returns from DC today. I am trying to emotionally prepare myself that there is a good chance this will be d-day #2.

I plan to do a very thorough search. Her work email including undeleting email. (I found email in deleted folder on d-day). Facebook, LinkedIn deleted messages. I am going to check phone records. I am going to go through everything in her suitcase and backpack. I hope I don't find anything but im scared I will.

Im thinking now that she has cheated me on before this guy. Im going to ask a gross question in a new topic. It's nagging me.

About to cry just thinking I might discover something else. Mikeinaa

This really sucks and your WW isn't going to get away with this. The lack of trust, bitterness and the disillusionment will haunt your marriage for years to come and this affects you both.

To make it worse she tells you she hates sex with you and doesn't want you to touch her. So even if you go to the gym and create a body worthy of Charles Atlas; or grow an extension to your penis, its not going to make her want you. So whats the next step?

Since she travels on business you are going to wonder every time.....

How will you sleep with her after what she has said? Can you imagine asking, "I know you find me revolting but would you like to fool around tonight?"

How I hate infidelity.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. A decent husband and father shouldn't have to endure this much pain.

Well the next step is for me to search everything I can when she gets home and see if today is d-day number 2.

Then we will see.

MC is scheduled for 1 week from now. There is a ton of time between then and now.

I will say I won't let her touch me unless she has been tested and even then I don't know if I would want her too. Not that if she would want to unless it was for pity.

I don't feel like I'm married anymore. I feel like I should have a funeral the women i married because doesn't exist anymore. The woman with her name is someone new that I don't really know.

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 9:54 AM, November 5th (Wednesday)]

If you decide to reconcile you have a defined problem. You will be trying to rebuild with a woman who has confessed to not being sexually attracted to you. Repulsed even. Currently, the best she can offer is pity sex.

The onus is on her to sit down with you [maybe MC] and discuss why her sexual feelings have gone away and her plans for getting them back. Thats right, the onus is on her to repair her marriage libido and fast. If she can't do this then reconciliation will surely fail.

What drives me crazy is im not a bad looking guy. Im 38, 6ft, 225 (oops 212 now). I work out twice a weak, im fairly strong. I even get flirted with occasionally by other women.

Im better looking then om in my opinion.

But I got her pregnant before we were married like her first husband. And he was mean to her and she said today to me that she felt like he raped her while they were married. Now she puts those feelings on me and isn't attracted to me.

She went to ic after about 2 years with me because of our lack of sex. It got better for a few weeks then right back where we were. She told me she wants to fix it. Im afraid she can't.

Remember reading somewhere that once a woman loses sexual feelings for a guy then she rarely gets them back. I think its more about how you tackle the problem. If you analyze root causes you would find they are rooted in a number of possibilities. What your wife is essentially saying is not that you are unattractive but that she either:

1] Is chocked full of resentment and anger and avoids physical interaction with you as a consequence.

2] The marriage has lost its passion and sunk into apathy. She still values you but misses the excitement. Basically poor emotional communication.

3] The sheer familiarity of marriage has caused her to lose status and respect for you. Maybe she thinks she could have done much better; like the OM for example. Dissatisfaction with her lot in life and goes looking for an exciting relationship. Often seeking an exit affair.

The last option is the worst to deal with. Only you and your WW can find out why she lost that loving feeling and how to get it back. If I could guess from what you have told us, I would say it was option 2. Your wife feels unloved and under appreciated and goes looking for validation from another male. Doesn't excuse her adultery, which is why I would remind her that she solves her sexual reluctance or the marriage ends. She works hard to fix the mess she caused or she will find herself alone.

D-day +5

One day at a time.

Ok now, I think it is a combo of one and two. Im hopeful she gets it back for me. I know it will take her feeling emotionally connected to me. Im not without fault for her feelings in our marriage. And I probably have been lying to myself for a long time that things were good. There was an emptiness there. She was the planner and the dreamer. I was the procrastinator and the escapist. I escaped into really dumb phone games. I was probably addicted to the phone games. (Thats phone not porn. Clash of clans actually.)

Im guiltless in her affair. But not in issues of the marriage.

I searched her computer last night. I found more emails and messages from om. My wife is not particularly tech savvy or good at removing evidence. She tried. I found it. Though she is probably better now as she watched me discover things she thought were gone. The messages weren't as bad as my imagination thought they would be. The feeling I got from their written communication is this was an exciting game for them. This was something they would never do but we're doing and they loved doing it. They were trying to meet every time she travelled but couldn't every time. I only caught one lie. She had told me they were going to have separate rooms at the hotel. They weren't. It was one room. I don't really know why she would lie about that. It's seems like a minor thing compared to the rest she did tell me.

He wrote her a song parodied from lorde royals. It was really badly written. It had a few juicy phrases in it related to their sex. But mostly it was written about the affair and how they had something great no one knew about. She wrote that no one had ever written her a song before and she loved it. If I had the ability to cheat and was him I would guess that my wife was the fantasy he always dreamed of. Really hot women that meets him in hotels for sex and doesn't do it with anyone else. A beautiful women that listens to his problems and cares for his dreams that others don't listen too. (He dabbles in race car driving and song writing)

The things she wrote to him do make me think he was her first affair.

I broke a promise that I made here. After a night of holding her hand but otherwise being far apart in bed. We woke up and hugged and then more. I gave her two Os for the first time ever. And this was with all clothes on. We did remove clothes and had sex. It's the first time we have had sex without her freezing up as I started touching her. Afterwards she said to me that she can't believe we just had amazing sex. Like she was shocked it was possible with me but happy about it.

The mind movies had been playing constantly but when I hugged her this morning they were gone and it was just her and me.

I know I said I wouldn't touch her unless she was tested. I didn't keep that promise.

6 days to MC. It's too long. We have so much to work on.

One day at a time.

5 hrs sleep last night. 13lbs weight loss

[This message edited by Mikeinaa at 8:35 AM, November 6th (Thursday)]

Just finished working out. One of the stations is a punching bag. I've always punched hard. Today I saw his face in the bag. I felt like I was blacking out and all there was, was his face. I hit the bag so hard today. It felt really good. I had 2 people in the class and the instructor come up to afterwards and tell me I punch with a lot of power.

It's also scary to me some. I think i hit hard enough that if I ever did connect with some man I would badly injure him. The last fist fight i had was in 7th grade. He started it with me. He went to the hospital. I never want to hurt someone but if other man was here I don't know if I could contain myself.

Be careful that reconnecting through sex, whatever the quality, doesn't lead to rugsweeping. The whole intent is to convince your WW that you are deeply hurt and divorce is a real option. You have to put a scare into her with this threat of ending the marriage, or a least ending up with a heavily damaged relationship.

if you do rugsweep there isn't any valid protection against her deciding to cheat again some time in the future, since you recovered well and no apparent harm caused. Thats the dilemma; how do you frighten the hell out of your WW and not undermine reconciliation?

Right now you are letting her off much too easy and this could come back to haunt you. Your wife is manipulating you with sex and its working very well.

You have to put a scare into her with this threat of ending the marriage, or a least ending up with a heavily damaged relationship.

Wow. That is a scary proposition. I need counseling help this stuff is too hard on my own.

I know you are right though. I was kind of already feeling like that put your words forced me to admit it.

...

We went to lunch together today. We went for sushi and were sitting at the bar. I was fine but while waiting for the food I thought about how she met him at a restaurant bar and they were probably sitting together like we were. The. Suddenly the mental movie started. It rocked me. Ww asked me what was wrong I look pale. I got the words out mental movie. She grabbed my hand and oh no and sorry. But almost at that moment the food arrived and it broke the movie.

THIS F*CKING SUCKS! Why couldn't we work on us before it came to this!

I can tell you as a woman that it takes a lot of resentment and anger for a wife with young children to cheat. She knows what she did is the worst kind of betrayal and it indicates that you have a lot of work to do to put your marriage back on track.

You are fortunate that she doesn't appear to be in love with the OM, which means she can put sincere effort into rebuilding your relationship. Your suggestion of counseling is excellent; you just have to expose the extent of her resentment or you will never rebuild successfully. Be careful not to shoulder the blame for your wife's cheating. Her actions were inappropriate and destructive; just no excuse for her infidelity.

Often a WW will use MC to accuse the BH of 'causing' her to cheat. Put an end to that crap immediately or you will never see true remorse. She has to understand that all marriages are based on imperfect partners, and the inevitable up and downs will place stress on marital relationships. Every time you step out of line or neglect her, she's going to cheat??

Lastly, the trust is gone. Lets face it you don't know whether she will take this affair underground and you certainly can't expect the truth from her. Next time she is away on business how will you know how she is spending her evenings and who with? Its going to be much easier for her to cheat from now on. The 'virginity' is gone; just have to make sure you don't find out next time. As I said, you have lost that trust and it will be a very long time coming back.

Where is the crying smiley face, cause thats what I want to put here right now. Dammit OK you make too much sense. .....

but thank you for continuing to give me reality. Love and sex are powerful things to cloud ones judgement.

She went a soccer game tonight. I searched all her stuff again this time without her watching. Didn't find anything else.

Her next trip is in a week and half. Then she has another in early December. He knows about them. The one in a week and half they did not plan to meet. He couldn't make it. He was going to go on the one in December.

If there is a next time. I will have a much harder time catching her. She has seen what I can do to find stuff. She will know better. She was dumb this time and left easy to find clues all over.

I really hope there isn't a next time.

Another thing I will need to work through is what will stop me from getting a revenge A. ......

I go on a lot business trips myself. Been around most of the world. Seen many woman looking for an american business man. I've never had interest in it. I have no interest now. But I have seen colleges, suppliers, and customers go for it. Will I someday in a rage moment and with an opportunity? I would like to think I am better than that. But .......

again I hope it doesn't happen.

An RA is a mistake. You are too hurt now, you will never forgive yourself even if you D. If you want to have sex with another woman tell your W you are done, there is absolutely no hope for the M and you will start to see other people. You will still going to regret it but it will be all in the clear.

D-day +6

Sleep last night - no I don't think so

Weight - steady at -13 total

I feel like OK lifted me from a fog. I got tough on her last night. I said a lot of bad things about the OM, and several about her. I told her I had been in the fog and this was me woken up. I let her that this marriage is a long way away from being saved.

We talked for hours.

I'm exhausted. I am traveling today for work. By car 3 hours away. I need coffee.

The trip in early December is a real problem. A PI would be able to check on her behavior, but thats going to be costly. The OM is really going to press for a meeting; he doesn't want his exciting fuckfests to end.

You could put the onus on your wife. Demand she comes up with a way of proving to you that she will stay faithful; besides her word of course, which has virtually no value at all. Since your WW has proven to be most devious it is possible that she is emotionally involved with the OM and wants to keep this from you. In that case she will probably meet up with him whatever you say.

In essence your wife has unintentionally created an open marriage. Anytime the WS can't prove that the affair is over and the BS suspects the lovers are still meeting, you have no guarantee of fidelity. No assurance of fidelity creates an open marriage. Try telling your wife that.

The only solution, [besides an expensive PI], is for her to leave her job, right now. That will more or less assure you of her desire to be faithful. If she won't quit her employment then you might as well assume she will sleep with the OM in December. Her claiming she will not do this has laughable credibility.

Its a mess. You need assurances that your WW will not continue to cheat with the OM on all future business travel [not just December]. Its a gun held to your head; be the husband she wants or else.... If you do behave as a model spouse she still might cheat!

She can get a job flipping burgers while she hunts for new employment. Either way she has betrayed your trust and should bust her ass to prove her faithfulness. That means no more travel. By now you can see that having zero trust in your WW is so very destructive.

If you list what you know so far and define your wants, it could be helpful.

1] Right now your primary want is complete assurance that your WW will not cheat in December, or for the months following that.

2] You can assume [since she did not confess] that she would like to continue the affair. Its very enjoyable and exciting; she justifies it by claiming you did not attend to her needs.

3] To do this she needs to convince you that she is now sexually attracted to you. All has magically changed; since she now finds you sexually attractive, [women can fake things you know], then the affair has also gone away. She no longer needs the OM.

4] Since you are now assured of her faithfulness, she can cake-eat for as long as she can get away with it. from her perspective everyone is happy and she has a better marriage, plus an exciting lover. something of a win-win.

Since you probably cannot afford a PI, the only solution is for WW to leave her job immediately, or change her job assignment at her present employment, so she does not have to travel. If she wishes to truly reconcile she will do this to save her relationship. You need to be firm and tough in your demands; you are literally fighting for your marriage.

D-day +7 i made it a week. Seems like a year.

Sleep- I took sleep pills. 7 hours.

Weight- steady at -13

I have to go to work today at the plant. 3 hr drive. Im scare im going to fall asleep driving. Im so tired.

Is there any reason to try at all? No matter what I do there is nothing I can do that assure me she doesn't do it again. She could quit her job and I still wouldn't know.

Do yourself a favor.

Stop being so open with your wife about what you can find in her computer or emails/texts.

Do yourself one other favor.

Put a VAR in her car and another in the house where she might talk a lot on the phone.

You will know rather quickly if she is talking to the OM or making any new plans with him.

Do not ever tell her about the VAR's.

Use them to verify what her thoughts are.

HM

If you use the VAR's make sure they aren't discovered. They have to be very well hidden!

What is the level of remorse from your WW? Is she devastated, crying, full of shame, begging for another chance? If so it is likely that she is sincere and will likely remain faithful. However if she is merely regretful, then she isn't demonstrating the appropriate level of remorse and sorrow. Also she cannot be trusted to keep her legs together.

She's seen the OM multiple times and is likely emotionally involved with him to some extent. I think if she was willing to give up her job it would indicate that she is sincere in her desire not to cheat again. There are no guarantees for anyone these days; so much adultery in our everyday lives. However you are entitled to an assurance of faithfulness with regards to this affair; if your WW cannot provide that, you may as well shock her and file for divorce. Without trust your life will be hell waiting for the next time. I guess thats why people get divorced after adultery; its not the sex, its suspicion and the lack of trust.

Discuss this with your wife; get her to see the dilemma. If you cannot rely on her word then this marriage will end eventually. The lack of trust is a worm eating away the inside of the apple; soon the core will be consumed and the relationship will implode.

I suppose you could purchase semen testing kits for when she returns from her travels. Still demonstrates that this marriage is in severe trouble and is likely to fail.