SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My man 8 A's and could have been 11 if the other 3 had followed her advances & most likely the count is higher as she is a serial cheater, without remorse who does not give 2 cents about you period.

There is really not much more she can do to you. So the ball is in your court. Expose her far & wide. File for D. Find someone who will respect you, your family & your marriage.

You know what you need to do if you want to have control of your life.

Sending you strength my man

[This message edited by dummyX8 at 9:34 PM, November 27th (Monday)]

I'm sorry you're going through this but, I'm so glad that you're taking control of YOUR life! If anyone was being abusive, it was your WW.

You are trying to reconcile with an unremorseful WS. Not only has she zero remorse, she is cruel.And abusive. Throwing your relationship with your mother in your face is just all kinds of fucked up.

I'm sorry you apologized. She needed to hear that anger. She should have heard it months ago. Those names you called her? Maybe not all apply..But most do. Calling her what she was/is is hardly abusive. You called a spade a spade.

That she says her going to a party with one of her affair partners is the same as you going to your child's Christmas program because the wife of one of the men she had sex with is a teacher there..is the same thing...imo..makes her extremely delusional. It's nowhere near the same thing. And..what are you supposed to say to your kid? Sorry kid, mom fucked Mrs. Xxxxx's husband so we can't go.....????

Why do you want to save your marriage? She has no respect for you. No remorse. She continues to abuse you. She clearly doesn't care about you. So...why? If your son was being treated like this by his wife, what would you tell him? Because that may just happen one day..this is the example you're setting for your kids.

I'm not trying to be harsh. Truly. I am trying to wake you up so you can see just how abusive she is. She's horrible. This is not reconciliation. Not even close. You need to find your self respect. And you won't find it and remain married to this person.

Since she sees herself as a victim of your abuse, I strongly suggest you get a VAR and keep it on you at all times. Since you seem to be waking up a bit, she is losing control over you. She's going to try and make you look like the bad guy here. You're a prime candidate for a false DV charge. Since you outted her to her colleagues, she will try and get their sympathy. What better way than to say you're abusive...paint herself a victim..And basically tell everyone she was just looking for positive attention because her husband is a monster. Get the VAR. Today. Protect yourself.

[This message edited by confused615 at 8:14 AM, December 6th (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 6:24 AM, December 8th (Thursday)]

She's just awful. A real piece of s**t.

Yes, you are wasting your time with her. She doesn't sound the least bit remorseful and just wants you to get over it. Shit man, 8 affairs and 3 more she was turned down for. She has some major issues and I don't know how you could trust someone like that. IMO, she sounds like a time bomb waiting to go off and not even remotely close to someone that is ready to give up her boyfriends on the side.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 8:40 AM, December 6th (Tuesday)]

Hi there x8.

She has been to a psychiatrist and is on medicine for borderline personality disorder.

Do you understand what this means for you? I mean really understand? I come from a line of cluster B personality disorder types. Mother, Stepmother, most likely my grandmother's on both sides.

I'm not a believer in personality disorder people will never change (unless NPD like my mother). But you can't get your desired reaction out of them. You can't change them. Only they can do that themselves. They have to want to change their behavior. They have to really see what their behavior is and strive to be better. Then they have to work at it every single day. It can be done. I have seen it done (see my tag line for example).

Until your FWW wants to change, develop and work on her empathy for others, want to change her behavior, and work at it every single day, you will continue to be on the receiving end of her continued shitty behavior. It's tough. BTDT myself. It's even harder to see what's happening and understand what's happening when you are in your situation and receiving the mental and emotional abuse that you are receiving.

Your FWW bringing out the very worst in you. Keep going with the 180 and detach. Focus on you so that you can be the very best you can be. You have to for your kids.

In my sitch my father got so wrapped up in the A bullshit and was so codependent himself that us kids were on our own. We were on our own when having to deal with our mother. My brother literally did not survive and committed suicide at the age of 17. My sitch is an example of what can happen when two parent's get so caught up in the personality disorder shit. You need to be mentally healthy and strong for your kids. The affairs and all the hell that you are going through because of them.... those affairs are a symptom of a much bigger issue. Your kids also do endure the same shit from your FWW that you do. Speaking from experience I guarantee it.

Get yourself well. 180. Your FWW cannot be helped until she helps herself.

yop

I think you have made some positive steps.

Setting aside the money- good idea.

Deciding on boundaries- good idea.

Reading about the 180 and implementing it - good idea.

I would suggest now you incorporate some of the following responses to her accusations and vitriol:

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

"I do not agree with that."

"Noted."

"No."

"We can agree to disagree on that."

And learn to walk away. Disengage when she starts in claiming shit like abuse and any other horseshit she can come up with when she lashes out.

Yes, you unleashed on her. You got it all out. What's done is done. Continue to move forward.

I don't know whether or not your W loves or respects you. I would bet a lot, thought, that her own dysfunctions keep her from being in the M.

You are writing many of the right words. It's especially good that you seem to understand boundaries. But so far, they're just words.

I don't see you say that you'll seek IC ASAP. I see you wanting to white-knuckle this, and I don't think that will work for you.

But your W hasn't changed - she's still refusing to discuss your M or her As; she's doing false equivalences over your kid's Christmas party; she still wants to go to the judge's retirement party; she's accusing you of abuse.

You say you've told her that you'll set your boundaries, and you'll ask for separation if she crosses them. What if she crosses violates a limit, you ask for separation, and she says, 'No'?

I don't know whether or not your W loves or respects you. I would bet a lot, thought, that her own dysfunctions keep her from being in the M.

You are writing many of the right words. It's especially good that you seem to understand boundaries. But so far, they're just words.

I don't see you say that you'll seek IC ASAP. I see you wanting to white-knuckle this, and I don't think that will work for you.

You say you've told her that you'll set your boundaries, and you'll ask for separation if she crosses them. What if she crosses violates a limit, you ask for separation, and she says, 'No'?

Also, you say this of your W: she's still refusing to discuss your M or her As; she's doing false equivalences over your kid's Christmas party and her party with ex-and potential aps; she still wants to go to the judge's retirement party; she's accusing you of abuse.

What does she have to do to violate a boundary of yours? In my early post-d-day period, any one of those would have been cause for me to choose 'go' over 'stay'.

I think I understand why you haven't gotten a lawyer - you need to do IC first.

Here's the funny thing. Right now, R is out of the question for you; your choice is between D and rugsweeping Hell. If you do IC and work fast, R may actually become a possibility.

Get thee to a therapist - or a D lawyer.

I don't see needing a lawyer and filing as an "if" situation in your case. You have a completely unremorseful WS who has major issues with being supremely selfish, manipulative, and emotionally abusive. That's not going to change. She has repeatedly strung you along with empty promises while also repeatedly backhanding you emotionally with her extreme selfishness. Her issues with BPD are not going to ever go away either.

To me, it's not if you need to get a divorce. It's only a matter of when you are going to stop putting up with her toxic drama any longer. This selfishness is what the rest of your life with her will look like. Yes, some WS's are capable of becoming healthy partners and healthy people, but they really have to want to. Your WW has made it abundantly clear that she has zero interest in doing so. Remember that actions speak louder than words. And when actions contradict their words, then believe their actions because that is where the truth is.

Her playing the victim and accusing you of abuse is rich. Telling her the honest truth about herself (even if it's harshly done) is not abuse. That's just brutal honesty. All of those things about her are true so I fail to see the abuse. But it is very interesting that she cries abuse whenever someone holds up a mirror to the ugliness that she has inside of herself. She is not the victim.

R is very hard even when you have a WS who is going above and beyond to fix their shit and do right by their BS. Your WW isn't even trying to do right by you at all. Her actions in going to the party despite your objection hints at a profound selfishness in that she doesn't mind running over you to get whatever she wants. That's not a WS who is worthy of R at all. If anything, it's the exact opposite.

So prepare yourself. If you are not ready to admit that your marriage is doomed, then that is fine. But just know that a healthy marriage is not possible with someone who is so fundamentally lacking in character such as your WW. I know that you are hoping things will work out, but your WW's attitude and ongoing selfishness is setting that up to be impossible. It also seems that anytime she strings you along with the false hope that she's finally getting it, she yanks it back because doing anything out of your best interest runs so contrary to her deeply ingrained selfishness that she's not going to ever actually follow through with it. She doesn't seem capable of it.

[This message edited by Furious1 at 9:52 AM, December 6th (Tuesday)]

One other thing. You may want to get a VAR ( voice activated recorder) and keep it going whenever she engages with you. Unfortunately it's not unheard of for the WS to file a domestic violence ( false, of course) charge against the BS. Since she is already claiming abuse (again, falsely ) it would be better to be safe than sorry.

Hi dummyx8,

You really have your hands full. I'm really sorry you're here. I have to ask you a question, is there more to the story? I always think it's interesting when you first see waywards post in Wayward. Invariably they post less than what they've really done. It's understandable. They're not yet remorseful and they try to save face. Who really wants to post that they've had affairs with 8 men? It's much easier to say that they've had affairs and are going to change, without getting into any humiliating details. But BS's sometimes tell only part of the story too. They don't mention they're alcoholic or posting from prison, or refusing to have sex, etc. With regard to this, is there anything you can add that would help us give you advice? I can tell who your wife is. She seems to be indicating that she was abused. She didn't explicitly say you abused her, but that's certainly how some posters took it. I only mention this because regardless of the truth, this really complicates things. On the one hand, if you've been abusive to her, then really, what's the point of continuing? And on the other, if she's claiming abuse when there hasn't been any, then Wow! You've really got a problem here.

In either event, I find it hard to believe that you can or should salvage this.

So... if you want good advice from us, you need to make sure we're getting the whole story (without identifying names, of course).

I wish you the best friend.

My observation, in my real life, people I know and have been acquainted with, once the "ABUSE" word starts flying, a knock on the police officer follows shortly. Expect the police to come this week. She is not the type who likes to lose, and you have always let her run roughshod over you.

Plus, to be blunt but honest, a wife blowing a lot of guys is completely legal. And causing her to feel afraid for her safety is a legal justification for a restraining order. And yelling the C word for 5 hours crosses that line as far as the law goes, in my opinion.

Do you know how to act when the police come to your door?

I'd like to give you a pat on the back for finally stsnding up for yourself, but try to control yourself more going forward. And when the police come, stay calm, keep your hands where they can see them, and don't raise your voice.

I think most posters missed the BPD tidbit (psychiatrist diagnosed with meds). It's what furious1 said, that shit ain't goin' away. If, and that's a big if, she's on her meds and acting this way... You are doomed. She doesn't even know what guilt or remorse is.

Like wk55 said, you are most certainly going to end up dealing with the police. She knows the law, and how to use it for her benefit, far better than you. You need to get a VAR and possibly a small gopro type camera and record your interactions from now on. I don't think the 180 or any other advice is going to help much in your situation. She's truly disordered and the "standard advice" won't play out very well for you.

I understand the rage. You do need to get that under control before she uses it against you. The worst case scenario is not divorce for you. It's some disordered woman raising your children while you sit in jail.

I don't see where he said he called her a c*** for five hours. He said he called her one..among other things..And those other things were true..And he yelled about he affairs,the std, and the affair partners. He may have only called her a c*** once. I hate that word. But to imply he yelled that word for five hours is not what he said. He also admitted he was wrong. So let's give him some credit here. He's dealing with a serial cheating,unremorseful, abusive wife. It sounds like he hasn't vented any anger towards her at all,until a few days ago. Which tells me he has pretty good control of his anger.

But...yes...respond appropriately when the cops come...And they will come. Make sure you keep the VAR on all the time to protect yourself.

[This message edited by dummyX8 at 9:37 PM, November 27th (Monday)]

So I was extremely hurt that she went to the party and sat next to who she did. She walked past me for 3 days never asking if I was ok, never showing any concern or remorse for what she had done. Instead she went to the bedroom and watched tv by herself, went to town and did some shoping, took the kids to a movie, etc.

Here is the kicker, during this tanturm her repsonse was to smirk, smile, laugh at me, sarcasticly tell me she feels sorry for me (with a smirk on her face), somehow blame my mother for my outburst because as a child I didn't have the closest relationship with my mother, tell me im not bothering her, etc.

Yesterday morning I decided enough was enough, I put my big boy pants on and went to work. I apologized for my actions to my wife,

Why did you say sorry? You really need to work on your self confidence my friend. You were absolutely justified in reacting how you did. It was she who should have apologized to you.

I then went and took $4000 out of our bank account and set it aside at work in order to retain an attorney

I really thought you were going to give us the good news, but then....

IF need be. I told her from now on I will set my boundries and if she crosses those boundries I will ask for a seperation and if she refuses to leave I will file for divorce.

Why only separation? This woman doesn't clearly respect you or even care about you. She is just there to maintain the family facade and what you said about her running for public office, she is creating an image of an atoned sinner so she can boost her appeal to electorates for the next term. The next term, God forbid, she wins, I truly believe she will go back to her old ways and then the next pile of bricks will fall on your head. Who knows, the next pile may include a divorce paper SERVED BY HER to you which totally takes you to the cleaners. Is it so hard for you to imagine? After 8 affairs over 10 years, and her style of dealing with you in the aftermath, you don't think she is capable of that?

I explained that I was not filing for a divorce, I simply needed to set boundries and have a means of excuting the consequences for crossing my boundries.

I hope to hell that my marriage works out

I ask again, why do you want to stay in this marriage? Why are you so desperate to save it that you will demean yourself so much to her?

I can just set firm boundries and excute the consequences when they are crossed.

So you are not going to file for divorce. SO WHAT WILL BE HER CONSEQUENCES FOR VIOLATING YOUR BOUNDARY?

On a lighter note, tell me that atleast you are getting sex out of it I mean, what is the perk of enduring a shitty marriage like this? I did not even get sex for more than 3 years

Please file for divorce ASAP, she's a sociopath.