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Sometimes I think the hoovering and fake love is harder to deal with than the nastiness. Your WW has had you on a ration of affection so now the little bits she throws your way feels like you have won the lottery.

Was she crying because she hurt you? Or was she crying because she won't have life as good if you leave her?

Be very careful soulhurt... speaking from experience, unremorseful WW's can be very manipulative and can go from full out trying to destroy you to self-pitying crocodile tears in a heartbeat when they see that you are strong enough to not be their little bitch. Maybe she has opened her eyes to what she is doing, but she has to earn the right to be in your life. Regardless, you don't treat people you care about they way she is treating you.

[This message edited by SerJR at 8:05 AM, December 31st (Saturday)]

Yep, there go the waterworks. Pure manipulation. Just remember that this is the exact same woman who just a couple of days ago was calling you a pussy and telling you to get over it. This is also the same woman who flat out told you that she chooses MFP over her marriage. And this is the same woman who uses sex to keep it so that you are willing to look the other way when it comes to her stepping out on you. I'm curious to see what she pulled and how you handled it.

Oh good heaven, this is why I don't agree with "in-house" separation. Why isn't your door locked? Why are you playing this game. Think how confused your children are going to be. They won't be able to keep up with your game of "loves me-loves me not". She doesn't love you. Hell she doesn't love anyone! She's a soul vampire.

Soulhurt, the only reason she's "crying" is because she's a selfish disgusting POS. She knows all she has to do is throw you a bone, and you come running back like a beaten dog.

This is going to be your life is you allow yourself to fall for her lies.

The core of her explanation for her behavior was addiction. WW said she was addicted to the high she was getting from the attention. Every message every compliment was making her feel good she wanted more and more and couldn't stop.

Explanations are good and can open our eyes to what is happening, but actions are what impact change. You need both.

I wish I would have found this site back in January 2016 when I walked in on her taking nude pics in our bathroom. I probably would be finished with divorce and living in my new house today or in real R. At least I'm here now getting the help I needed.

Since I filed the other day I haven't snooped, I haven't even thought about snooping or wondered if she is secretly planning meet ups with other men. I have been thinking about the future, I have been estimating how much equity I will get from the sell of our house and how much I will have in retirement accounts ect ect. I have been looking at homes for sale near my current house, close enough to my son's school so we can still ride bikes. I will have enough money from the equity to put down over 50% of the purchase price, or should I put down 20 and put in a pool with the remainder.

But today after I woke up with my wife in the guest bed with me crying I'm thinking about the affairs and betrayal again. She is out running and I have this urge to load up my son in the car and go see if she is running with a man or by herself.

UGH!! I'm done with those urges, I'm done with that misery. I want to look forward to the future. Today was the 1st time she has shed a single tear over this. On the 1st day d she smiled about it. She admitted she was sexting, while I was crying and I asked how many and she held up her hand and showed 2 fingers and smiled.

From that description of how she acted on DDay, your WW sounds like she has a mental condition. I have a sibling with ODD and that is exactly how she behaves. She is also manipulative, calculating, hot and cold in turns and only gets upset if something directly affects her comfort level.

RUN.

"I was up all night crying because I feel you are on the verge of leaving me".

Today was the 1st time she has shed a single tear over this.

I'm sorry sir but that is not remorse, that is me, me, me...selfishness, she is crying for herself not the situation nor you. It appears she may be coming around though, this might be a small step, then again it could just be manipulation. More important, it sounds like you are beginning to detach. Stay the course brother, until she is committed to YOUR terms.

Remember, you were fore warned about the love bombs, don'the fall for it.

WTH, double post again.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 12:08 PM, December 31st (Saturday)]

I was so naive and trusting, I was such a fool. I caught her taking nude pics in our bathroom and she said they were for me. She has never sent me a nude pic or even a sexy pic in the 2 decades we have been together. Her phone was locked so I couldn't get it in and she wouldn't unlock it. Then a week later she was taking a bubble bath with a glass of red wine sitting on the side of the tub. She also had her phone in her hand and was taking pictures. I didn't tell her I saw her do this, I waited 48 hours to see if she would send them too me. Those pics never came so I confronted her about it and she lied and said she wasn't taking pics in the bathtub. BTw I found those bathtub pics in March when my son and I accidentally opened her google cloud on our home pc.

Anyway so I knew for a fact she was up to no good, but I still trusted her. She was my wife, she hates cheaters, she knew how painful the infidelity was in my 1st marriage. I dated her for 5 years before we married to make sure she would be a safe partner. I asked her dad for his permission to marry her, I told him how much I loved her and would treat her with love and respect and how great of person she is, that she would never betray me that is why I waited so long to ask for her hand in marriage. He told me that I better not cheat on her as well. I was a little shocked by that, but I understand that he is protecting her.

Back to the build up to the 1st dday. So she was caught twice now taking nude photos and keeping her phone locked. She was always happy, we din't agrue, she wanted sex, she told me how much she loved me and I was also her best friend so when I caught her taking nude pics I was having a hard time believing the reality of what was really going on. I knew she was on this fitness site but it didn't cross my mind that a fitness site would also be a place for infidelity. I really didn't give that site any thought until dday.

February comes and it is super bowl Sunday and she has been on her phone non stop for weeks, she has it in her hand at all times. Locked down like Fort Knox. She was still denying that anything was going on, the explanation she was giving for the pictures changed from they were for me to they were for her, so she can see the changes in her body from the weight loss. I thought this was a reasonable explanation because I'm such a trusting moron. As the days past I started to see through the lies, my gut was screaming she is up to no good. On that super bowl Sunday I checked out her myfitnesspal profile and when I saw her profile picture I knew right then she was meeting men on that site. It wasn't a normal picture, it was a sexy picture, with a naughty sexy look on her face. I knew right then when I saw her profile picture what was happening. So I bluffed her and said I knew she was cheating on MFP, I saw it. She admitted it but only the bare minimum. She said it was with 2 men and that she would stop.

The Tuesday after the super bowl she was leaving for a business trip. I was in so much shock about the sexting I really didn't focus much about this business trip. The Thursday before super bowl Sunday she had her private area waxed. She didn't tell me beforehand that she was going to get this done. She has never had that area waxed, never in the 20 years we have been together. Thursday night she was being frisky and when I touched her there she asked me how did it feel, and that is when she told me she got the waxing. The business trip was also unnecessary, she went to do the yearly review for one employee. She has done this review with this employee by phone in the past, and they only time she made the trip to this location was when she had to host a job fair. The last time she went she came fly home after the job fair, this time she was going to stay an extra night. Actually she was finished by noon the last day, but instead of flying home she booked another night at a different hotel closer to the location of one of the men she was sexting with. Also this hotel was not your Holiday Inn, it was a Hilton with fancy restaurants. Anyway wife is home I'll finish later.

((((((Hugs)))))))

I would record this.....for many reasons...

especially, when she is sorry and wants to return... you can just hit play, as you walk away..

Don't ever forget this....ever....

There isn't much further to fall...

Prior to your wife's loss weight, what was your wife's contribution to the marriage?

Specifically, you mentioned that she never was primary caregiver of your children, never cooked, never did laundry. You mentioned that since November 2015 she has been gone exercising/(sexting?/flirting?/planning-having meetups to run or more?) 95% of her waking time.

How did she spend her time prior to the exercise kick?

You mentioned that your wife's parents told you that you should treat her behavior as a sickness and you should let it continue because it will eventually pass.

Did her parents say anything to her?

In August she stopped sexting/pics with other guys. That seems to be the case. Was that in response to your being tough on her at that time?

She has pics still that she has hid, and a key like a PO Box. Have you ever found out about that key?

The whole thing about "get over it" and the stuff about she refuses to give up MFP and she even doesn't let you be a "friend" now the first teardrops ever about how you are on the verge of leaving her - part of that is your response - which was you for being a good husband who believes and wants his wife to be happy and thinking she wants the same thing as you do.

I want to consider a few things I remember or recently read or I just believe based on what I've seen here:

1. You caught her in February, she never took you serious, she never considered ending the compliments of other men.

2. In May, she had a consultation with an attorney. So she was ready to leave you, or she thought you might leave, and at that time she did not consider leaving MFP or compliments, she chose divorce over you at that time. I don't know if you knew about it in May, but in retrospect, that is my opinion.

3. She never let you be a friend on MFP, so that much is obvious that she still was keeping secrets, no other reason could be other than keep open unacceptable and inappropriate behaviors. Recently you found a message she said to other man (fake you) that they should lay low for a while, hubby was mad. To me it shows that she did not believe you would leave over that alone, and she can keep up with her cheating as long as she spaces it apart enough.

4. Now she has realized she miscalculated. So she offered you a crumb about letting you be a friend on MFP. With her plan, in my opinion, to give you a bone, like she has given you a few in the past, and this will be good enough for a while.

5. Now she is realizing the crumb of allowing "friend" on MFP is not enough. When she is served, she may go beserk at first but I believe she might then tell you she will remove herself from MFP. What will you do if that happens?

As for your youngest son, have you considered setting up a therapist? Some one he can talk to other than you and his mother. He is a smart kid, he will have conflicting emotions, and he may not want to express certain emotions to you for not wanting to hurt your feelings. And he will not get any help from your wife. Maybe you can call up his pediatrician and tell him/her what is going on and ask for a referral to someone he/she has used in the past with success for similar cases.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 2:08 PM, January 1st (Sunday)]

1. Prior to your wife's loss weight, what was your wife's contribution to the marriage?

Specifically, you mentioned that she never was primary caregiver of your children, never cooked, never did laundry. You mentioned that since November 2015 she has been gone exercising/(sexting?/flirting?/planning-having meetups to run or more?) 95% of her waking time.

How did she spend her time prior to the exercise kick?

I was 29 going through a divorce with 3 kids, one step daughter and 2 of my own when I met my current WW who was 23. Mutual friends introduced us. My 1st wife had 10 month old when I met her. We had 2 more together and she cheated and I divorced her after the 2nd affair. Yeah my friend told her, "I know this great guy (me) you should meet, he is going through a divorce and has 3 kids". Seems a 23 year old would run for the hills. LOL

Anyway since I was raising kids doing all the cooking and cleaning ect ect she just watched and followed my lead. She didn't know how to cook, or change diapers ect. Unfortunately that dynamic became the status quo. I still do all the cooking, cleaning, washing dishes, laundry, yardwork, fixing things, carpet cleaning, mopping ect ect. If she has to clean she gets bitchy and starts stomping around on a mini rampage yelling at me and my son. To keep the peace, I try to limit what she has to do, I know that is probably pretty co-dependent. But I would rather do it myself than deal with the stress from her fury.

Before the fitness kick she would plan trips, she was always on trip adviser, researching things she is interested in, on social media, going out with friends. About ten years ago she learned how to play the drums. That was some great times we had together. I've played the guitar since I was 10 and she took 10 years of piano lessons so she learned the drums very quickly. In just a few weeks she was playing Metallica. We have a friend that has a PA system and loves to sing Lynyrd Skynyrd. So we learned all these Skynyrd songs and would have fun playing at parties. Again some great times.

2. You mentioned that your wife's parents told you that you should treat her behavior as a sickness and you should let it continue because it will eventually pass.

Did her parents say anything to her?

I haven't discussed the situation with her parents since May. She said she stopped all the sexting and nude pics ect in August, but she didn't unlock her phone until October. I found an email from the end of May scheduling a consultation with an attorney. So she met an attorney at the end of May. I told her parents that my gut feeling was that she will be filing for divorce in June when our son is out of school. See your gut is always right. I don't know if she did talk to her parents about divorcing, but I do believe she did and they probably shot it down. Again it is against their religion, they are hardcore Catholics.

The OBS of a man in San Francisco who she was sexting with hard nearly daily for several months contacted me in July. She was threatening to send the evidence she collected to my WW's employer (HR department) because she was doing it while she was in the office working. That is when my WW decided to stop, not because I was being crushed emotionally by it, because she was scared shitless that her reputation and career would be destroyed.

3. She has pics still that she has hid, and a key like a PO Box. Have you ever found out about that key?

I have the thumb drive hidden that she downloaded all her sexting pics on. I don't know if she has noticed it is not in her hiding place any longer. I have not told her I have it. The key opens a file cabinet, I assume at her office. I googled the name on the key and it is a office furniture manufacture.

Really on edge today. Probably will not sleep tonight. In the morning after I take our son to school I will tell my WW that she will be served papers today.

I need you great people here to slap me with some 2x4s and keep me on track. I'm getting cold feet, I'm getting scared. Did I create this situation by baiting my WW with fake guy? If I didn't test her with fake guy I wouldn't have filed. That was the last straw and the fact she pick a fitness site over our marriage and the 10 months of infidelity in my face watching me die inside. How cruel? What an evil person. My head and my heart are telling me I'm doing the right then but Im still getting cold feet.

(((Soul hurt)))

You are doing the right thing. She had many chances. She wants to keep her boyfriends and fan club and her husband. You deserve better than that. Your son is watching. Do you want him to think this is how his wife should treat him?

You said it yourself - once you decided to D your pride came back. You started to take care of yourself again.

Your fake profile is not to blame - how she responded to the test is very telling.

You can do this.

Getting a D is the best choice for you.

Soulhurt,

You said it, she picked a website over you. Nevertheless, maybe this will knock some sense into her. Just be aware of the hoovering.

Besides, as you describe it, she does little around the house, with your son, etc., instead focusing her time on work and working out. It's like she is stuck in her middle twenties. This might knock some sense into her.

If she begs you not to go through with it, I strongly suggest that you step away from taking on so much responsibility. Set up a plan where she takes your son all night while you go out to a coffee shop, bookstore, until after your son's bedtime at least one weeknight each week, and at least a partial day each weekend. Taking on so much responsibility enables her.

Wishing you strength tomorrow Soulhurt. You're doing the right thing.