SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm still in shock, and in ICU. But at least I'm on the second floor, so she cant run me over again.

Ok that made be laugh. Well played. Keep your chin up.

It gets better, Neanderthal...but it comes in such small doses that you don't realize it as it's happening. You find yourself laughing at something on TV, you realize you've been completely lost for the last two hours in a project, or it dawns on you that you actually got up and fixed your coffee that morning without actually having the infidelity as the waking thought. I had a joyous moment 2.5 years after XH left when I wrote a date down and spent the next 20 minutes trying to remember why that date had some significance. It was my wedding anniversary! Now ask me any day of the week what my wedding anniversary was and I could absolutely tell you. But at that moment, and working backward, I had forgotten. I had actually forgotten!! Of course, it hurts again when we remember what we have forgotten. Often times, we're right back down the rabbit hole again. But with enough of those experiences, we start to trust what we are being shown - there will come a time when this is not always the foremost thought in our head. We begin to recognize those moments for what they herald. I think the 2-5 year timeline is a good approximation - for where you feel more good than you do bad. But I also think it is a steady progress/improvement...every day brings you a little closer - even the worst of them.

For months, I forgot what the address was of the house we owned together, which we lived in for almost the entire year leading up to DDay. Couldn't tell you my street address whatsoever let alone the ZIP. I actually had to look it up.

IHatePickingName, I like your name too. Thanks for coming out of the dark to comment. I really appreciate the support. It's interesting you blocked yourself from JFO. I did the opposite. I blocked myself from the Wayward forum. I was pain shopping in there too much. I'm definitely glad I did it.

I can definitely see blocking yourself from the wayward forum, however i actually find it the easiest place for me to read. I find insight that helps me work through things with my WH in the posts of specific WW's there, and, ironically perhaps, i find it less painful to read the posts of WS who are so evidently not getting it get (or even ever) than to read the pain, hope and subsequent new discoveries of BS. At worst, wayward posts make me shake my head at how ridiculous they sound to anyone but themselves when they talk out of their asses. But I can feel the pain, which makes me relive my own, through the words of BS in JFO. Plus, the hope and new betrayals there cause me panic attacks when i think of the fact i am risking that again. It was undermining the work we were doing by triggering my preexisting anxiety disorder tendency to catastrophize. And really, each of our realities is bad enough without borrowing everyone else's worst moments too. So even while i wish i could offer support there, i am not ready yet for that.

But this probably has a lot to do with the fact that i do see significant effort here. I imagine it is a lot less painful to read posts from both remorseful and unremorseful WS when the remorseful ones sound more like what you see at home. I *remember* when he sounded like the ass talkers. But that isnt the same.

My UN is ... Well... Truthful. I realized i use the same one everywhere else because i hate picking names 🤣 and i didnt want to be identifiable here so couldnt use it. I was mad i even had to think about it, and thus i was christened 🤣

Does divorce get you out early on good behavior?

I was dumped for the AP on my Dday, so I had no choice. The pain I felt that day was almost indescribable. I had been in and part of a family for 9 years. We had moved across the country together and started a life together. Every piece of furnishing in our home was purchased together. Most of our friends were mutual friends. Her son, whom I raised as my stepson, was a giant part of our lives. Suddenly, I was told that none of that was mine any more.

That first day, I went to work, closed my office door, lay on the floor and cried. Wept, sobbed, wailed, cursed God.

But being booted out like that was very much a matter of ripping the band-aid off, rather than pulling it off slowly or, worse, pulling it partway off slowly and then leaving it dangling.

I got better. There was a very pretty young woman I knew. She could tell that something was wrong and she asked me. We went out for beers and I confided in her. She took me to her home and we had sex. This was only about 2 weeks after my Dday. I must say that I felt way better.

Then you’re reborn...

Edit: Moved to Thumos's thread to avoid t/j

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 9:37 PM, December 6th (Friday)]

Neanderthal, it might not feel like it, but you are probably as functional as an individual can be this early out given what you have experienced. It’s normal to feel like a hollow shell of yourself. When my wife disclosed to me that she’d fucked the POS it gutted me completely. I have always considered myself a strong person, but this shit brought me to my knees (literally). I lost my job because of it. I started drinking heavily on a daily basis and was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I hardly ate or slept (or bathed). Having her around was a huge trigger for me and I had to seek psychological help.

Things that helped:

-separation (she moved out). Even though I still had to see and I engage her because of our son, not having her in the same home allowed me to maintain a portion of my sanity.

-antidepressants and therapy. I never believed in therapy before this, but that shit works (if you have a good IC). The meds helped a lot too.

-working out. This gave me a channel for my emotions that I really needed.

-not drinking. Once I stopped getting drunk every night I had a clear head.

-my son. I knew I had to hold it together for him. The days he was with me I focused all my attention on him. It was a lot harder for me on the days he was with his mother.

-my brother in law. I used him as a sounding board many days.

-overtime at work. Once I got a new job, it helped me to keep busy by picking up extra hours.

-journaling. I wrote down a lot of my thoughts and I also wrote down prayers.

-my wife doing “the work.” I used to hate that phrase because it sounds cliche, but in hindsight it really is work. Truthfully the only reason we are not divorced today is because of how she stepped up as I was pretty much done after DDay. In spite of myself I still loved her but at the same time I couldn’t see myself trusting her or being able to continue to have a life with her after how she fucked over our marriage. For me it wasn’t a question of if we would get divorced; it was a question of when. But as I observed her changes, her openness, and her nonstop efforts to fight for us, I decided to wait and see rather than just move forward with divorce.

First you have to survive. It might not sound like much, but it’s a crucial step and not one that you can speed through. Then you can evaluate what you might need to do next. There’s no fast tracking this whether you D or R, unfortunately, especially when there’s small kids involved.

I feel like I royally fucked up today. Our citys Christmas parade was today and our daughter has been in the parade the last couple years with her dance class. WW picked up our daughter to be on the float. Then I go seperately and find a spot on the street to watch. For no good reason, I was late and didn't see my daughter's float go by. Of course she was crying when I finally caught up with her. We watched the rest of the parade together but I felt like such a fuck up. WW and FIL were there and here comes POS dad walking in late.

I've only been separated a month and I'm already screwing up. I know it doesn't seem like much, but I always want my daughter to be able to count on me.

N that was an honest mistake and you will make them because you're human and all this shit is really hard. Offer a sincere apology and don't beat yourself up!

My ex could be pretty cold and heinous though, so I imagine if you've got someone much more reasonable and warm, it's harder to detach.

Very hard. My WW has been both but if I’m being honest much more, the vast majority of the time, reasonable and warm. So yes, very hard to detach because you’re seeing the woman you fell in love with, spent decades with, and had planned on living out your life with.

On the other hand, the really terrible screwed up things my wife has said on occasion stand out like tent poles in a circus tent. That combined with her lack of transparency have really dug a much deeper hole.

Neanderthal I’m watching your thread because you’ve done what I couldn’t - detached and separated.

Well, you’re not a POS. Sounds like it was an honest mistake. I totally get beating yourself up though. I’ve done the same thing after making a parenting mistake. There was one time I forgot my son had a half day of school and I wasn’t there to greet him at the bus. I still have anxiety about forgetting half days and it has been 3 years. Doesn’t help that he reminds me about it from time to time.

Your wife and FIL were there. She wasn’t alone. Show yourself some forgiveness and ask for hers. She can still count on you.

So sorry N. Nobody ever wants to let their kids down.

Cut yourself some slack. Separation is fucking hard.

The reality is, even the best parents in the world let their kids down sometimes. Even parents who are not separated, whose lives have not been turned upside down by infidelity. It happens.

Show yourself some forgiveness and ask for hers.

landclark said it well here!

You are human. Use this as a learning opportunity for yourself, and a teaching opportunity for your daughter. Tell her that you made a mistake and did not come on time, and that you acknowledge that there is no good excuse for it. Say you're sorry, and that you will do your best not to ever let that happen again. Then follow through with that.

Show her that humans make mistakes, but that good people own their own role in those mistakes and then work to do better the next time.

Also, just to insert some levity:

So I technically survived infidelity. WhoopdeeFuckingdooI think this might be the official BS motto. You may have a side hustle in selling this t-shirt

Thanks guys. Im just mad at myself. I know my daughter won't hold it against me. I just need to do better.

Thumos, Don't worry man. Just remember not every comment on SI is directed towards you. I try to avoid commenting on other people's threads because it's too easy to make it about me. Instead of helping the original poster. Plus I'm not really in any position to offer good advice.

There were many days that I felt like a failure as a father. 10 years ago the recession almost killed me. I went close to zero. I remember not being able to watch her favorite shows when the cable was cut off. Discarding her expensive food choices while grocery shopping. Feeling relief when she went back to her mother's. Failure doesn't accurately describe how I felt back then.

Through it all I never gave up 1 day of custody. Within 2 years the tide turned and I was gainfully employed. She is in college now and sometimes when we talk, we bring up those tough days. She recalls those days much differently than I. Since I had nothing at the time, the only thing I could give her was my time. If she has a problem, she always calls her dad.

You will do better just by always being there, even if you are a little late....or a little broke.

[This message edited by 66charger at 3:48 PM, December 7th (Saturday)]

Hello N:

As to your daughter, when you are newly separated, your entire life's paradigm shifts. It can be difficult to get your bearings. It's useful to let your kids be your beacons on this point. You have to be there for them. The Rock of Gibraltar. Get three alarm clocks and set them all at full volume if you need this.

As to your post-infidelity mental and spiritual health, see the thread by J707, here in General, called "Self Care".

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:09 AM, December 8th (Sunday)]

This does get way better as time goes on. It does change you. Some for the better, some for the worse, and even the "for the better" changes aren't worth the trauma in my opinion.

I'm a firm believer of everything happens for a reason but I can't help but agree to this. Maybe this did happen because there's something in store for us. But I hoped it didn't have to be this traumatizing and painful

Are you still together with your wife, separated, or divorced?

About five months after and if you are still with your wife then there are many factors as to how long you will feel the profound effects of this kind of betrayal.

If she is remorseful, genuinely compassionate, genuinely sorry, and committed to moving mountains on a daily basis to help you heal, earn your trust, and repair as much damage as possible, then that will make your healing continue.

If she is blameshifting, angry she got caught, aloof, sweeping it all under the rug, still lying, and disregarding your pain, then you will never heal from this and it may be very appropriate for you to consider removing yourself from her life as much as you can via divorce.

My XWW was of the latter heinous variety and there was no way in this universe that I wanted to even attempt any kind of reconciliation with her.

Getting her out of my life as much as possible (we have kids) was the right thing for me and my children.

Attempting reconciliation would have been slow and painful torture for me and a terrible thing for my kids to see.

I’ve been divorced for six and a half years and there is not a single aspect of this toxic woman that I miss.

I do miss having a family and it pains me for my children that they had their family destroyed right in front of them because of their mothers selfish and childish bullshit.

Most importantly, I’m not in a zombie-like malaise and gutted shell of myself for the sake of attempting to reconcile with someone who so easily stabbed me, our children, and our family in the back.

Keep in mind, your wife does not define or validate you or your life.

Your marriage does not define or validate you or your life.

Only you and you alone define and validate yourself and your life by living the values, ideals, and principles you believe in.

Being betrayed is traumatic. That's not a metaphor; it's an honest description. Think 2-5 years to recover. R includes recovering and rebuilding a relationship, so it probably takes longer than recovery alone, IMO.

IIRC, I was pretty stable at a very high level of pain from months 3-6 or 3-9. Then I started experiencing an almost imperceptible improvement, which slowly accelerated over time, but YMMV, of course.